by Jordan Marie
“Ryan! Why didn’t you tell me Dragon was in Kentucky?”
“Um… I’m only five Rory. I didn’t know. I thought he was in Tennessee like me and Dad.”
Dragon laughs.
I grumble under my breath and for some reason that makes him laugh harder.
Whatever.
16
Dragon
“You get her?”
“Hello to you too, old man,” I respond to Crusher. I stretch out in my chair at my desk, kicking my feet up and smile because I have my door open. In the distance, I hear Nicole laughing with Ryan. I hear Rory’s quiet voice blend in, too. There’s no laughter from her. There’s pain. I’ve seen that pain too damn much, and I’m fucking tired of it.
“Sorry, man. It’s not good here.”
“What’s going on?”
“They hooked Diesel up for dialysis again and his heart went crazy. Fuck man, I thought he was gone.”
“So, things haven’t changed,” I mutter, hating that burn deep inside my gut. Diesel is a good man, one I depend on just like he is one of my own. He deserved better than this shit.
“For the worst, maybe,” Crusher says, sounding tired.
“Why do Rory and Ryan think he’s alive and doing fine, brother?” I ask.
Crusher curses under his breath.
“I didn’t exactly tell them he was okay, Dragon.”
“Boy, don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining.”
“Jesus, no one in my life would call me boy but you.”
“Keeps you humble,” I respond, almost smiling.
“I want Ryan to be able to say goodbye to his dad while he’s still breathing—even if it is through a fucking machine.”
“And Rory?”
“She cares about Diesel. I don’t know how Diesel felt about her, but if he did…”
“You’re hoping that shit will reach through to the grave.”
“Are you going to say it didn’t for either of us?” Crusher asks. “Fuck man, look at Dance. He’s the poster child now for well adjusted.”
“He wasn’t tasting death for four months either, brother.”
“Nicole was. You brought her back from that. Same as I did with Dani.”
“Brother…”
“I know, Dragon. I’m not stupid, I know this might not work and I can’t even be sure that Diesel gives a fuck about her… but I damn sure have to try.”
“She’s not going to thank you for putting her through this shit and I think she’ll hate you for putting Ryan through it.”
“I’m willing to take that bullet.”
“Got to tell you, brother, I just met the woman but I get the feeling she’s a good woman, who has been through hell. She doesn’t need more.”
“I got to try, Dragon.”
“I reckon you’re going to try it no matter what the fuck I say at this point.”
“Wouldn’t you?”
“I’ll have them at the hospital around two tomorrow.”
“It’s a shit reason, but it will be good to see you again, man.”
“Same here, brother. Same here,” I respond and then I hang up.
Fuck, I hope this works, but I’m not feeling good about this shit… that’s for damn sure.
17
Rory
This place isn’t what I assumed. I might even be comfortable here. Dragon is nice—in a badass who can kill most men with one hand kind of way. The rest of the men seem good too. I really like their wives and they’ve been great with Ryan, all while treating me like I belong. Skye might be my favorite. She’s funny, sweet and her little boy and Ryan have played all evening. She’s got another child, but she’s barely left her Dad’s side.
It’s good, being here. It feels safe. I don’t think King would ever think to look for me or Ryan here. Which means, I’m able to let my guard down for a bit. There’s only one dark spot about being here.
Nicole.
She’s super sweet. She’s beautiful and obviously completely in love with her husband. She’s also pregnant. I’m doing my best to keep my distance from her, not because I’m a bitch or anything, but it hurts to see her. It hurts to remember I once had a baby growing inside of me. A baby that the father didn’t believe was his, a baby my brother beat out of me…
A baby no one wanted but me.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I whisper suddenly so overcome with sadness, I know I’m going to cry and I can’t break down in front of these people. It’s not right—or fair—but I can’t break down in front of Nicole… this woman who has children she adores and who love her, a man who thinks she hung the moon and a baby inside of her that I couldn’t have…
A woman who has everything I wanted…
“Are you okay?” Nicole asks, softly.
“Fine… I just need a minute,” I tell her, getting through the words without my voice breaking.
“Rory?” Ryan says my name, picking up on the change in me even while playing with his friend.
“I’m okay, little man, just need a break. I’ll be back,” I tell him, walking to him and ruffling his hair. He reaches around me and hugs me and I hold him tight, closing my eyes and soaking it in. Ryan’s not mine to keep either. He’ll be staying here and then his dad will have him and I’ll be… alone.
“Love you, Rory,” he says.
“Love you, baby,” I whisper quietly against the top of his head, figuring he wouldn’t appreciate me calling him a baby in front of his friends and family. “I’ll be just a minute,” I tell the others without looking at them. I walk out of the room, finding the bathroom in the hall I noticed earlier.
I barely make it, shut the door and slide down onto the floor before the tears start and the sobs tear through me. I curl up on the floor, my arms wrapped tight around my empty stomach and let my misery overtake me.
18
Nicole
“What do you think is going on with her?” Skye whispers after Mattie distracts Ryan’s attention.
“I’m not sure,” I answer, staring in the direction that Rory practically ran. I’m not lying. I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know whatever it is, is not good.
“Where’d Rory go?” Dragon asks, coming back into the room after stepping away to take a call.
“The restroom,” I mumble, still looking at the opposite doorway, worrying about her.
I feel Dragon’s arms slide around me and he pulls me back into his warm body. I close my eyes and drink him in. The smell of him, the heat, the security I feel when he holds me… it’s all there. It’s never once gone away. His chin comes down, the stubble from his face teases my skin. His head slants as he kisses the side of my neck and goosebumps move over my skin.
“Mama, I know that tone. What’s bothering my woman,” he whispers. Skye winks at me as she moves over to the kids.
“Just thinking,” I tell him, my hands moving down to cap over his as he holds my rounded stomach gently.
“Won’t be long now, we’ll be holding our little girl in our hands, Mama,” Dragon murmurs and despite my worry I smile.
“You better pray she’s not as hard to handle as your boys,” I mutter, trying to hold back my giggle.
“If she’s anything like her mother I won’t sleep again until I’m eighty,” Dragon responds and we both laugh.
“I love you, Dragon.”
“Down to my bones, Mama,” he responds.
“Forever,” I sigh out.
“Forever,” he repeats and turns me slowly around to face him. His hand comes around to gently hold the side of my face. His thumb brushes back and forth against my cheek and then stops against the corner of my lips.
“You’re not here with me, Mama.”
“I am,” I whisper, my hand coming up against his. “I’m always here with you. Always.”
“You’re worrying,” he answers after studying me.
“About Rory. There’s something going on with her.”
“She’s been through a lot, Nicole.�
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“I know, but she ran out of the room and there was just… pain in her eyes.”
“Ryan said she took a beating for him,” Dragon says and my stomach flips and I have to swallow down my nausea.
“I think I’ll go talk to her.”
“My woman… always has to fix everyone,” Dragon says, a half smile on his full lips.
“I just want everyone to be as happy as we are, is that so bad?”
“Not bad at all, Mama. You’re all good,” he says smiling and I can’t resist leaning up to kiss him. “I’ll be back.”
“I’ll be here.”
“Good to know,” I laugh, turning to walk away.
“Not like I’m going to go anywhere else, Mama. Not when I can watch that ass in those tight fucking pants you’re wearing.”
“They’re yoga pants, Dragon, they aren’t tight.”
“All I know is I like the feel of them, but I really love the way they are glued to your ass and let me see what’s mine.”
“I’m ignoring you now,” I mutter, turning so I can continue walking away. Dragon must have taken a few steps to catch up to me because he grabs my hand and pulls me back into his body. I gasp in surprise.
“You say that, but you’ve got an extra swing in that ass while you walk. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing woman. You’re teasing me so I’ll give you my dick tonight,” he whispers against my ear.
“Are you saying you won’t give it to me?”
“Fuck no, I’m just letting you know I’m on to your game.”
“You’re wrong you know,” I murmur looking over my shoulder at him.
“I am?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t doing anything then, but…”
“But?”
“Now that I know that’s all it takes, I’ll definitely be doing it.”
“Fuck,” he mumbles.
“All. The. Time.”
“I knew from the moment I saw you barefoot pumping gas you were going to be trouble,” he responds.
“You love every minute of it.”
“Every fucking minute,” he grins and I swear it doesn’t matter that we’ve been together for years, that we have kids, that I’m pregnant now. It doesn’t matter that he’s got gray hair starting to show in his beard or that we’ve had so much sex, that we know what the other is going to do without even realizing it. None of that matters, because it just keeps getting better and when he grins at me like he is right now, and when his voice goes hoarse with hunger… I instantly get wet.
I love my man.
19
Rory
I can’t stop crying. Nothing I do is stopping the tears and the misery just keeps running out of me faster than I can breathe. I’m lying on the floor, sobs raking through my body so hard that it’s physically painful. I’m trying to stifle the sound of my sobs, but even that is a lost cause. It’s like now that I’ve decided to let some of my pain out… It won’t stop.
I don’t want to hate Nicole. It’s not her fault, but I don’t understand how she is allowed to have three children and I couldn’t keep just one. Diesel may have never believed the child was his, and even if he did, maybe he would have wanted nothing to do with it, but… I wanted my child. I wanted to feel it growing inside of me. I wanted to give it life…
I… wanted to hold my baby.
I wanted to hear its laugh.
I wanted to hear its cry.
I wanted to be its mother…
Its.
That’s what my baby is… an it. I can’t give it a name.
The realization that I will never know if my child was a girl or boy hits me and it hits hard. It feels like a sucker punch to the abdomen, so hard, so horrific that it takes my breath. My chest hurts, my heart contracts and still the breath won’t come. I can’t get oxygen into my lungs. The pain is so intense, I feel like I’m having a heart attack. Finally, I gasp loudly, the sound broken and trembled, as a small amount of oxygen finally gets pulled into my lungs.
More tears fall; tears that are torn from my body as I grieve a life I couldn’t protect. A child…that I never held. A child I won’t even be allowed to bury. To the world, the child wasn’t even real. I wasn’t far enough long for it to even count as a person to them… but it was to me… to me…it was… everything.
“Rory, honey…”
My body jerks as I lift up. Through my tears, I see a blurry image of Nicole. I recoil, my body moving towards the wall—wanting as far away from Nicole as I can get. It isn’t logical or even right, but at this moment I feel like she’s the enemy. She has children, two with one coming soon from the looks of her.
Why is it she gets three children and I couldn’t have one…
“I want to be alone,” I whisper, the words slurred through my sobbing.
“Rory, let me help you.”
“You can’t help me,” I tell her, shaking my head back and forth in denial.
“I want to try,” she says approaching me cautiously, as if I was a wounded animal… and I am. I’m so wounded, so broken that there will never be a way to completely put me back together again. How could there be?
How can I be whole when my child is no longer a part of me?
“There’s nothing you can do,” I tell her, still shaking my head back and forth, my heart beating so hard it feels like it might break free from my chest.
“It might help if you talk to me, get it out to someone who understands—”
“You don’t understand! You could never understand! Your life is perfect! You have everything!”
“Rory—”
“I have nothing. I’ve lost everything,” I respond, not really listening to her now. Instead, I’m losing myself into the darkness inside of me that’s threatening to swallow me completely.
“Oh God, you’ve heard about Diesel,” she whispers. It doesn’t hit me. I don’t truly understand what she’s saying. I’m too lost in my misery.
“Leave me alone,” I plead with her, misery coming off of me in waves. How can she not feel it?
Why won’t she leave me alone?
I’m rocking back and forth, feeling as if I’m dying inside, when Nicole’s arms go around me and she pulls me into her body. I want to pull away, recoil from her touch, but I’m too lost… too tired. My head drops down and I look at her stomach. I don’t want to. I hate myself when I do it, but I reach down and touch her stomach. It’s warm, solid, firm… real… Nothing like the emptiness and death inside of me…
“I never wanted anything,” I whisper.
“Rory,” Nicole whispers, but I tune her out. These words aren’t for her. They’re for my baby.
“I never wanted anything,” I repeat. “Until you, my precious baby. Even knowing it wouldn’t be easy, I wanted you. I wanted to give you a good life, a life I hadn’t gotten, but needed to make for you. I wanted you safe and happy. I wanted to hear you laugh, watch you grow. I wanted to be there when you took your first steps, when you skinned your knees, when you rode your first bike… I wanted it so bad,” I cry. My voice is raw and I don’t know how I’m still crying. You would think there would be no tears left, but they don’t seem to ever end… more and more just keep coming. “I wanted to watch you fall in love, I wanted… God… I wanted everything and now… now…” I break off, my entire body shuddering in time with the breath I take.
“Oh Rory,” Nicole cries softly, but I’m too far gone to acknowledge her.
“Now it’s all gone. You’re gone,” I cry. “You’re gone and I don’t even know if you were a girl or a boy. I don’t know what your smile looks like, what your voice sounds like, your cry, your laugh…”
“Rory, honey…”
“I don’t know anything. They say you weren’t real, but you were real to me. I loved you and now… Now you’re just gone….”
With that I completely crumble, giving Nicole my weight. She wraps me tight in her arms and brushes my hair with her hand. I can feel it, feel her. I know she’s there with me,
but I just feel alone, even when Dragon and Bull open the door, finding us. Even when Bull picks me up in his arms and carries me out of the room—
I still feel alone…
20
Dragon
“You’re quiet, Rory.”
“I still don’t see why I need to be here. I don’t know what you and Mr. Dawson—”
“Crusher.”
“Crusher. I don’t know what the two of you are thinking, but I can assure you that I’m the last person that Noah will want to see. I don’t see why I couldn’t just leave. Ryan is what is important here.”
“There’s no way I could let you go. You haven’t told me a lot, but Diesel’s men have and as near as I can figure it out your brother is a fucking time bomb and you are in his line of fire.”
“That’s my problem not yours.”
“You’ve lost a lot, Rory. You did it protecting Ryan. That puts me in your debt.”
“Why? Ryan’s not yours.”
“According to what I’m hearing, he’s not Diesel’s either.”
“He is in every way that counts,” Rory growls, her head jerking to look in the back seat of the rental where Ryan is sleeping in his car seat. “And keep your voice down, if Ryan was to hear you it would destroy him.”
“You’re awfully protective over a boy that you’re willing to hand over and leave without a second glance.”
“I love Ryan. I’m not handing him over to anyone. I’m giving him back to his father and his family,” she defends.
I take a breath and look at the road in front of me, while I figure out just how much I should tell her. Crusher asked me to keep her in the dark until she got to the hospital. I didn’t agree with him, but I was willing to do it. Then, I found out how much Rory had lost. I’ve grown to respect her and I can tell that her and Ryan have a deep connection. If Diesel doesn’t pull through this shit, Ryan is going to need her and Nicole told me this morning that Rory definitely needs Ryan and she’s right.