Rory

by Jordan Marie

  I use the back of my hand to wipe my tears. I’m feeling more than a little self-conscious, maybe even stupid. I swallow hard as I try to get in control of my emotions. I’ve cried so many tears, I can’t continue crying them. Especially over a man who wouldn’t want them—a man who wouldn’t want me here.

  “I… I’ve tried to keep Ryan safe. I’ll stay with him, until I’m sure your men can keep him safe or until I’ve made sure that King is no longer a threat. I know you never wanted me to, but I love him Noah. I think he’s the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I know you didn’t trust me, but I hope, if you can somehow hear me now, that you know I will die before I let King touch that little boy. I’ll kill him before he gets the chance. If your men can’t get to him, then I will and I’ll do it. You need to know that. I’ll make sure he’s safe. If that’s what you need to rest easy, then please know that I mean what I say. Ryan will never fall into that man’s hands.”

  I sigh for a minute, a million other words coming to mind, but I can’t seem to say any of them. Instead I stare at Noah’s face. It’s almost painful to look at him. He was so vibrant, so intense and his dark eyes held mysteries that I couldn’t even begin to solve. It doesn’t seem like the man I fell in love with is even here—and maybe that’s the point.

  Noah is gone.

  Crusher was right—at least about one thing. This is for me and this is for Ryan. So, I decide to share my deepest worry. The one thing I haven’t shared with any of Noah’s friends and family. The one thing I don’t know how to address.

  “I saw Vicki. I can’t imagine you with her, although if I’m honest, I was so caught up in you that I couldn’t imagine you with anyone. Anyone but me. That’s not what this is about though—not really. King… he has ways of making people fear him, he gets off on it. He’s done it to me my whole life. He likes to prove he’s smarter than you and I never realized that all along I was falling into his trap. Somehow, he knew I’d follow his breadcrumbs and end up where you were—even when that’s the last thing I wanted to do. Not that… Well okay, none of that matters now,” I mutter, getting lost with all of the thoughts going through my head. I take a breath and start again on the thing that worries me over everything else. “King needed Ryan to fear him, to teach him a lesson. He used Vicki to do that, Noah. It was bad, so bad. She was wasted and he offered her more, although I think it had other stuff in there…. But… she chose the drugs over her son, Noah. She even told Ryan…” I break off, the memory still jarring even now. “King killed her in front of Ryan, Noah. Ryan saw it all… heard too much. I tried to shield him, but I couldn’t… I couldn’t and now… I think he’s blocked it out. I’m pretty sure. He doesn’t talk much about that time, but lately he’s been crying a lot. He… he’s holding it all in. He needs you. Dragon and Crusher seem to think you could fight to come back. If you can, then that is your reason. Ryan needs you, Noah. But… if it’s too late, I’ll try. I’ll try,” I whisper. “They want him to see you now. I… I don’t think that’s a good idea, but I’ll talk to Ryan first and if this is what he wants, then I’ll bring him in to see you.”

  For a second, I think I feel Noah’s hand jerk in mine. I stare at our hands, squeeze his as best I can and wait to see if it happens again.

  Nothing.

  Disappointment fills me, but that quickly leaves and I just feel foolish. This isn’t the movies and Noah won’t just magically wake up because he senses me. He never loved me and there at the end…

  I bend down to place a small kiss on his forehead. “I loved you,” I murmur against his forehead. “I loved you and I would have loved our child just as fiercely. But you can rest knowing I’ll always love Ryan. I’ll protect him.” I pull away, realizing there’s nothing else to say, even if it doesn’t feel settled. I’m letting him go all over again, and there’s really nothing to make it better. I walk slowly to the door and then I turn around right as I get there.

  “Goodbye, Noah,” I tell him, the words carrying a pain that surprises me. I thought I was prepared, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe… somewhere deep inside I was hoping for a miracle too.

  I open the door and just as I take a step outside alarms begin to go off around Noah. I jerk around, fear mixing with the pain. I said goodbye, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to be here when he dies.

  I just… don’t.

  24

  Rory

  I’m choking on fear, barely noticing as the nursing staff and doctors come running in.

  “Wait outside please,” I’m ordered by one of them, but I don’t move. I just stand there watching them working on Noah.

  My body quakes. I’m trembling so hard you would think there’s an earthquake centered directly underneath me. I gasp, jump slightly when I feel arms come around me. I look up to see Gavin there.

  “Come on, sweetheart. Give them room to work,” he says. His face looks sad, his deep blue eyes are on me and there’s so much concern in them that I lose it. I give him my weight and I let the anguish out.

  “Fuck,” he mutters and somehow, I hear that over my tears. He gathers me up, pulling me against his body and up into his arms so that he’s carrying me like a small child. I barely realize that I’m not standing anymore, I bury my head against his shoulder.

  “I don’t want Noah to die,” I cry, the words broken and abnormally loud to my ears, but I’m gone. I can’t be strong anymore. I can’t. I could be strong while Noah’s heart was still beating. I could be strong as long as I didn’t have to face more death, but now? Now, I’m just done. I can’t deal with anything. “I know he hated me, but… God, Gavin, I love him,” I cry. I was wrong. I thought that I had cried enough tears, that I couldn’t cry anymore. But, these tears are flowing so hard I can only gasp and shudder to get oxygen to my lungs. These tears are coming so fast and so hard, that they are physically painful. It feels like each and every one of them is being torn from my insides. They’re so painful that it wouldn’t surprise me if they were tears of blood. They feel like they should be.

  “Is he…” I hear Crusher’s voice, but I can’t look at him. I feel Gavin sit down and then I’m shifted so I’m curled on his lap.

  “Dead,” I cry, hating the word, hating Crusher, hating Noah.

  “They’re working with him,” Gavin says over me and I feel his rough hands in my hair, trying to soothe me.

  “Motherfucker,” Crusher growls and I hear his chair scrape harshly against the tiled floor.

  “Rory, you need to calm down and get control,” Gavin warns. “Ryan will be back soon and that little boy is going to need you.” The words are soft against my ear, but I’m too far gone.

  “I don’t want him to die, Gavin. Even knowing he’s not mine to keep, I don’t want him to die,” I tell him in between gulping breaths.

  “Rory, you—”

  “It was okay when I thought he was already dead, I didn’t have to face it. I kept it in the back of my mind, but this… Oh God, Gavin! I’m not strong enough,” I cry. “I’m not strong enough to withstand it again, not now,” I moan. “He’s dead, Gavin. Dead. How will I survive? How will I tell Ryan?” I ask, shuddering in a jerky movement as the tears continue to flow.

  “Rory?” I hear Ryan’s scared voice hit me and I thought it couldn’t get worse. I really thought it couldn’t.

  “Shit,” I hear Gavin mutter, but my body is locked. I see my sweet, innocent boy. Pain and fear are carved on his perfect little face, as he stands there by Dragon.

  I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I find the strength, but I slide from Gavin’s lap. I instinctively go to the floor, partly because I know my legs won’t hold me and partly because I want to be eye level with my boy.

  “Baby,” I whimper to Ryan, holding out my arms.

  “Daddy… did you say… is he…”

  His little body is solid, standing perfectly still, but his face is pure terror.

  “Come here, baby,” I whisper, holding my arms open.

&n
bsp; For a minute, I think he will reject me. His face turns and he looks at Gavin, and then back behind him to Dragon. I expect him to go to Dragon. Dragon is part of his family, part of the group who have always been there for him. It hurts, but only because if I allow myself to think about it, Ryan is all I have. He’s my… family. I feel Gavin’s hand on my shoulder and I start to shift to get up, but I don’t get the chance. Ryan comes running, throwing his body into mine. I catch him, wrapping my arms around him.

  “Daddy,” he cries and the sound of that one word is as anguished as I feel.

  “It will be okay, baby. It will be okay,” I lie. “It will be okay,” I assure him, knowing inside that nothing will ever be okay again.

  Nothing.

  25

  Gavin

  I look up at the man who walked in with Ryan. I don’t know him, but he manages to pick up on what I need. He comes over and stands by Rory and I disengage myself going toward Noah Cross’s room. I look back over my shoulder and look at the woman on the floor crying. A woman who has had more pain in her life than one woman should. A woman who loves another woman’s son as if she gave birth to him herself. A good woman who deserves dreams to come true, not die. A woman who reminds me of someone else… someone I have regretted leaving for fucking years.

  I slam that door shut. That dream is long gone, but Rory…

  I walk in and the nurses and assistants are coming out. Crusher is standing there talking to a doctor and I go to stand beside him, listening because I need to. I need to help Rory and I need to do that anyway I can.

  “We’ve got him stabilized. It appears that Mr. Cross’s blood pressure spiked, setting off alarms. It’s the damnedest thing,” the doctor adds, sounding puzzled. “I don’t want you to read anything into this but, he seems to be responding. I mean he has brainwave activity, and has shown response to outside stimuli sporadically, that’s the reason the board agreed to Agent Lodge’s request on maintaining privacy and continued care. It’s highly unusual and we normally transport patients such as Mr. Cross to a long-term care facility, but because of the nature of Agent Lodge’s investigation, we set that aside. Still, after this amount of time I’m not sure this has ever happened.”

  “What’s happened?” I ask, needing to wrap my head around the problems before me and deal with them.

  “Mr. Cross’s eyes are reacting to light. His hand reacted to squeezing and his leg reacted to a needle stick. It could be involuntary muscle movement, so I caution you to not get your hopes up until further tests are run, but…”

  “He’s improving,” Crusher breathes out the word and there’s so much emotion in it that even I can hear it. Whoever this Cross is, he evokes devotion and care from every single person in his life, from his child, his men, and Rory.

  What would that be like?

  Hell, I have no idea. I’ve been alone since the day I left my hometown and I didn’t look back, didn’t allow myself to—at least while sober.

  “He seems to be. I’ll have some additional tests run through the day and I’ll of course let you know the results as soon as I’ve studied them.”

  “Sounds good, thank you, doctor,” Crusher says and the doctor shakes his hand, nods to me and leaves. “Fuck! He’s coming out of it. I knew he would if he could just understand what was waiting for him,” he growls.

  “I don’t think I’d get too excited just yet Dawson.”

  “You’ve met Rory, spent time with her. Wouldn’t you fight like hell to come back to her and your son?” he asks, and fuck, he has me there. If a woman like Rory was depending on me, I’d fight the devil himself. There’s only been one other woman in my life I’d do that for…

  “Rory and Ryan think he’s dead,” I tell him, rubbing the back of my neck. “I don’t think Rory understood about the alarms and what they meant.”

  “Shit. I’ll head out there.”

  “I’ll stay here in case the doctor comes back or something else happens,” I tell him lamely. Really, I just want my turn to talk to Cross.

  I needn’t have worried about making an excuse. Dawson leaves without a second glance, leaving me alone with Cross.

  “You don’t know me Cross, but the plain truth of it is that I know everything about you,” I tell him, sitting in the chair by his bed. “I’ve made it my duty to learn everything about you, not because I really give a damn about you, but I do care about Rory McDaniels.”

  Maybe it’s because I’m a cop and trained to take shit in, or maybe it’s because I’m looking for a sign. Whatever the reason, I see Cross’s hand jump against the bed. I grin, part of me glad, even if it means bad things for me and a chance with Rory. Then again, I’ve always been a complicated fuck. There’s only one woman who ever truly understood me, and there are times these days that I wonder if I imagined that she knew me at all.

  “From where I’m standing, a man would be stupid as hell not to fight to come back and claim that woman,” I tell him, but there’s no further response from him. He’s listening though. I don’t know how I know that, but I do. So, I push. “Right now, that woman is out there holding your son and they’re crying over you. I wouldn’t know, there’s not many in my life that have given a damn if I kept breathing, but it seems to me you got two damn good reasons to fight and pull your ass out of this. Those two are gifts that not every man gets. If you don’t want to fight for it, there will be men in line to take over for you,” I warn him and it happens again. His hand curls, his fingers moving into a loose fist and I grin sadistically. “I don’t mind telling you man, I’ll be right there in the front of the line, hoping she gives me a shot.”

  An alarm goes off on one of the monitors. I look up to see Cross’s heart-rate is rising. I look back down and this time it’s his eyes staring straight at mine. My message has been delivered. I’m not going to get a shot at Rory, but that’s just as well. That woman out there deserves a man with a whole heart and I left half of mine in the cold, frozen snow of Maine years ago.

  The doors open and doctors scatter around, I step back to let them work, but I keep my gaze trained on Cross and he keeps his on me.

  26

  Diesel

  “Fuck, man. It’s good to have you looking at me,” Crusher says from above me. My eyes dart to him briefly, but they move around the room.

  Searching.

  The asshole who said he was waiting on Rory, is gone. I heard every word he said. My brain is addled and nothing is making sense. I feel like I’m buried under water and everything is so damn heavy I can’t move. Even moving a finger takes so much effort it is exhausting. I feel like I’m choking. I can barely move my head and I can tell there are tubes running down my neck and through my fucking nose. I want them gone. I jerk my hand—or at least I think I do—but I can’t lift it. I look down at it in panic.

  Am I a damn vegetable? I do my best to twist my head to see what I’m dealing with. That’s when I feel it. The hand on my shoulder, fingers splayed out against my bare skin and even in my haze I feel the warmth.

  “It’s okay, Noah. They have your hands in restraints because when you came to at first you tried to pull at the tubes. They’ll come out, it’s just going to take time. You have to get stronger,” Rory whispers. I look at her, drink her in. I don’t know how long it has been since I’ve seen her face, but it feels like a lifetime. I thought she was gone forever.

  Fuck, I thought I was gone.

  She’s gorgeous, I always thought so, but right now her hair is a mess around her face, it’s brighter, more vibrant than I remember it being before. The waves are full and lush and I close my eyes for a second, unable to take in the beauty right then… it’s just too much. When she speaks again, I force myself to open my eyes, even though my eyelids feel much too heavy.

  “Noah, Ryan is outside. He needs to come in for himself and see you’re—”

  I jerk my head back and forth, not wanting Ryan to see me like this.

  “Please, Noah. He thought… he thought you were dead.
He just needs to see you. I’ll be with him. I’ll reassure him you’re okay. It will help him I promise.”

  I want to scream no. I want to rip these damn tubes out and tell everyone to leave… everyone but Rory.

  I can’t do any of that and being helpless is a feeling I’ve never truly had before and I don’t fucking like it. A wave of dizziness comes over me and the world seems to swim. I keep my eyes on Rory, letting her center me.

  “Please?” she asks.

  I blink, unable to talk but she holds my gaze and I know she understands.

  “I’ll just let him stay a minute,” she whispers.

  “She’s good, brother. I don’t know what your story is with her yet, but you need to know that she has given everything to keep Ryan safe. That boy loves her,” Crusher says and there’s this burning sensation that moves through me like a wildfire. I don’t get time to think about what he says and everything that makes me feel, because the door opens and Rory comes in holding Ryan’s hand. My gaze glues onto the two people that mean more to me than anything in this world. I see Ryan stumble and I know it’s because of what I look like. I jerk, wanting to break free and get rid of it all so Ryan doesn’t see me like this. My heart hammers in my chest and I feel so winded and exhausted all over again.

  “Mr. Cross, you need to calm down before we have to sedate you,” a nurse says from the foot of the bed, looking at the monitor and pushing a silence button when it starts beeping.

  “Daddy?” Ryan says, his voice so full of fear it hurts me. Everything is floating around me and I’m having trouble determining what’s going on, but I hear his voice and it penetrates.