Heart of Us

by Emma Browne

  Because I realised it was a slippery slope, I decided I would spend the next few weeks weaning myself off. I would spend a little less time with him every week. That way my heart could get used to life without him again in a healthy way.

  As it turned out, that plan was great in theory, but not nearly as great in practice. It might have been easier had he not lived next door, or if he hadn’t been part of the board of Project Cup. Or if he hadn’t been so nice to hang out with.

  He turned up after work most nights and would help me cook dinner. Then he spent the evenings helping with the business side of Project Cup or fixing things in my house whilst whistling songs under his breath.

  And though I realised it wasn’t exactly normal for friends to spend every evening together like that, he never pushed for more than friendship.

  I told myself it was all good.

  I knew I was lying to myself. But it was a comfortable lie.

  ***

  A few weeks later, Julia and I were at Sophia and Michael’s flat. We had just finished a Project Cup meeting planning the stall for the Edinburgh Christmas Market, which would be starting a couple of days later. Despite the challenges, things were coming together nicely.

  ‘What’s going on between you and my brother?’ Julia asked as she dried the dishes I had stacked up in the rack after washing.

  I dropped the glass I was washing in the sink.

  After Nick had broken up with Julia a few weeks earlier, Julia had been so wrapped up in her own heartbreak that I had assumed she was oblivious to what was going on with anyone other than Nick.

  Apparently, I had been mistaken.

  I glanced at her and then at Sophia, who was waggling her eyebrows at me.

  ‘Yeah, I’d like to know that too!’

  I gave them both a dry look. ‘There’s nothing going on with Jack and me.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Julia frowned as though my answer confused her.

  ‘Yeah.’ I looked her in the eye and nodded. ‘I’m sure. We’re friends.’

  ‘Right.’ She nodded, too, and I turned back to the sink and fished out the glass I had dropped. It hadn’t broken. ‘It’s just…’

  Sophia cleared her throat. ‘Are you really sure?’

  ‘Yeah.’ I raised my hands to emphasise how sure I was. ‘I’m sure.’

  ‘Huh.’ Julia’s frown deepened.

  ‘Huh, what?’

  ‘Does Jack know there’s nothing going on between you guys?’

  I became aware I was dripping water all over the floor, so turned back to the sink again and sighed. ‘Why?’

  Julia glanced at Sophia. ‘Just the way he looks at you.’

  ‘And how he’s always hanging out wherever you are,’ Sophia said.

  Julia nodded, and continued, ‘And you guys went to China together.’

  ‘He’s my friend!’

  ‘Yeah, well Michael’s your friend too, but I don’t see him…’ Julia bit her lip. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Oh, what?’ Sophia asked.

  Julia’s hand flew to her chest, and her eyes went wide as though she had just discovered a secret. ‘Are you secretly in love with him, but you’re afraid he’s going to turn you down?’

  ‘No!’ I rolled my eyes. ‘No, no, no!’

  ‘Because you really don’t need to worry.’ Julia shook her head to emphasise her point and gave me her most reassuring smile. ‘He’s so in love with you…’

  ‘Gah! Stop!’ I turned to her again, and, not caring about the drippage, I held up my hand. ‘First, we only went to China together because we both had business there at the same time. And yeah, I know he wants to get back together, but I’m not interested, and I’ve told him that.’

  ‘What? Why?’ Julia straightened and her eyes narrowed. ‘What’s wrong with him?’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong with him. He’s just not right for me.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I don’t want to get married to anyone. At least not yet. Maybe in ten years or so, who knows? But not anytime soon.’

  ‘So, are you suddenly against marriage as an institution?’ Julia frowned.

  ‘No.’ I clenched my teeth and tried to summon some patience with her. ‘I’m just saying I like being single. And whilst Jack is a nice guy, I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.’

  ‘Yeah!’ Sophia cheered. ‘Singles unite! We don’t need marriage to be happy; we’re the authors of our own happiness.’

  I smiled. Maybe Sophia would help get me out of this awkward conversation after all.

  Julia tutted. ‘Sophia, you’re married.’

  She snorted. ‘It’s a fake marriage. You know I’m just doing Michael a favour, and when he gets his citizenship, we’ll get a divorce and I’ll never get married again.’

  Eyes wide, I looked at Julia and put on Sophia’s northern English accent. ‘Yes Julia, you see, it’s a fake marriage.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’ Julia laughed. ‘Let’s talk about something else. You guys are impossible.’

  Sophia put her towel away and took out some bowls. ‘Ice cream, anyone?’

  We had ice cream and drank tea, and I put the whole Jack situation away until later that night when I was in bed, unable to fall asleep.

  If Julia, who was wrapped up in her own heartbreak over Nick, was asking what was going on between Jack and me, things were getting too sticky.

  I would have to talk to Jack. Somehow.

  ***

  Running a market stall had been an exciting idea, but I was pretty sure it would have been nicer to do it in the summertime. December in Scotland is dark and wet, and the temperatures were just above freezing most days. Still, our little stall had walls, which meant it wasn’t too bad, and there were lots of people milling around, so we had plenty of opportunity to talk about the period cups.

  Sophia and Julia were naturals at engaging people, and when they were at the stall, we would sell quite a lot.

  When I was on my own, it was more of a struggle. I had never been a salesperson and speaking with so many people made me feel uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was to sit in a corner with my knitting and pretend I was somewhere else.

  Sophia told me I didn’t smile enough, and that’s why people weren’t all excited to buy anything from me. She may have had a point. She sighed when I told her I didn’t smile at people because if you did, they – especially tourists – had a way of thinking you were their new best friend.

  ‘What’s wrong with being friendly?’ she asked as she rearranged the display. ‘You’re as bad as Michael.’

  Michael looked at me over his coffee cup, a smile in his eyes. ‘It’s called having boundaries. And there are few things in life that are worse than having to make conversation with somebody you don’t know.’

  She gave him an exasperated look and waved her hand in the air. ‘Yeah, well it sells no period cups and makes for a life with no friends.’

  He shrugged. ‘I’ve got all the friends I want.’

  ‘Me too.’ I nodded.

  ‘Well, if you want to sell more cups, you can try smiling.’ Sophia looked at me. ‘Or we could try to make sure there’s someone here with you as much as we can.’

  I shook my head; it wasn’t fair on everyone else to have to babysit me. ‘Nah, I’ll be alright.’ I put on a smile, decided I could be an adult too, and went on to talk to some new customers.

  ***

  I left Sophia and Michael at the stall around nine that night, exhausted after a long day at work and then a few hours at the market stall being friendly to strangers. I got to the bus stop opposite Waverly Station just as my bus left, so I checked the screen for how long it would be before the next one came along.

  Sixteen minutes.

  There were lots of people waiting for their buses, but I snuck into the shelter to get out of the wind.

  ‘Miranda? Is that you?’ I turned to see Angus from work standing next to me. He worked with statistical analysis, the department next to mine, and we had taken some of the same courses at universit
y. At university we hadn’t hung out together at all, but once we both started working at the same firm, we would talk in the break room from time to time.

  ‘Hi Angus.’ I nodded. ‘What are you up to?’

  ‘Just been to the gym. What about you?’

  Angus had a nice lean physique, and I knew he was into running. ‘The gym sounds nice. Are you training for anything specific?’

  ‘No, I’m not doing another race until April. Do you run?’

  ‘Yes, but not when it’s icy. In the spring and summers, I try to run 10K twice a week, and I’ve done a few races, but nothing like a marathon.’

  ‘Huh. Maybe we should sign up to do a race together.’ He adjusted his glasses and smiled, showing off the dimples in his cheeks. His nerdy cuteness was endearing. I smiled back at him. ‘We could do Edinburgh’s Toughest for charity or something. Get the office to sponsor us. It’s just over five K, but it’s to the top of Arthur’s Seat and down again, so it’s pretty intense. Good way to start the race season.’

  Surprised, I nodded. ‘Uh-huh. Yeah, maybe that’s an idea.’

  ‘So, what have you been doing tonight?’

  I shrugged. ‘I’ve been freezing my behind off at the market all evening.’

  ‘Christmas shopping?’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head. I had done my Christmas shopping months ago. ‘A couple of friends and I have started a social enterprise, and we’ve got at stall here at the Christmas Market.’

  ‘Really?’

  He seemed genuinely interested, and I went on to briefly explain the whole story. He didn’t even flinch when I told him we were selling period cups.

  ‘Huh. I would buy one but I’m not sure I’d get much use out of it.’ His smile grew and I chuckled. ‘But maybe we could do our run to sponsor your Project Cup then. Are you registered as a charity?’

  ‘Yes, a social enterprise,’ I nodded. I got my phone out to make a note of it so I wouldn’t forget. ‘That’s a great idea. I’ll bring it up with my friends and we can see if there are others who would like to join us, too.’

  He nodded. ‘Are you going to the office Christmas party?’

  The office Christmas party was a dinner out where I was expected to make small talk with people I normally never spoke to, whilst they drank too much and said inappropriate things. As soon as I had the date for it, I had made sure to make other plans. When people asked, I would pretend I wanted to go but – unfortunately – I had this other thing that had got in the way. ‘No, I’ll be at the market stall that night.’

  ‘Shame.’ He pursed his lips. ‘Maybe we could go out for dinner another night, instead?’

  Surprised, I felt like a deer caught in headlights. ‘Uh… Maybe.’ I cleared my throat as I saw my bus pull up to the stop. ‘Oh look, there’s my bus. I’ll catch you later!’

  ‘Have a good night!’

  ‘Uh-huh. Yeah. You too!’ I waved and got on the bus and went up the stairs to find a seat. I sat down and took a deep breath as the bus pulled away from the stop. I leaned back against the seat as questions flooded my mind.

  Had Angus just asked me out?

  Still buzzing an hour later as I lay in bed, I methodically sorted through the questions, and decided it was all a non-issue. I wasn’t going out with Angus – or anyone else – any time soon. Still, if I ever changed my mind and decided it would be nice to have a safe, committed relationship with a guy, then Angus would fit the bill. He was easy to look at, we had lots in common, and he was a good guy.

  I snuggled in to my blankets and closed my eyes. Maybe one day it would be nice to be in a relationship with a guy, provided my feelings weren’t involved beyond a friendship level. It might be nice to have some company.

  Chapter 25

  Jack

  By mid-December, I felt I was making progress with Miranda. I had made sure to respect her decision to end our fling but had taken every opportunity to hang out with her as friends. I made myself useful around her house and spent most evenings in November on her couch working on stuff for work, as she prepared for the Christmas Market. I was on the dinner rota Julia and Miranda had going, and cooked dinner for the three of us twice a week.

  When Julia asked if I cooked rice every time because I missed Hong Kong, I shook my head and caught Miranda’s eyes. ‘No, but it reminds me of good times.’

  Miranda looked away, hiding her face behind her long hair.

  I went on to tell Julia about the time when we ended up staying in the room above the pigsty and had rice and chicken feet for dinner.

  Julia, who had been rather sombre since Nick broke up with her, laughed.

  I caught Miranda stealing glances at me, and it was nice to know she wasn’t immune to me, despite her insistence that we just be friends.

  ‘So, have you found a place to live yet?’ Julia asked me as we were clearing the table one night in early December.

  Living at my parents’ next door was convenient, but now that I was settling back into Edinburgh for the long haul, I needed to get my own place.

  ‘I’m not sure, but I’m going to go look at some places on Saturday,’ I said.

  ‘Really? Where?’

  ‘There’s one on the other side of the park, one in Portobello and there’s a place in Leith. Why? Are you looking, too, or are you going to stay here for the rest of your life?’

  Julia shrugged. ‘I was just looking the other day, but I’ve decided to leave it until I’m back from Kenya at the beginning of February.’

  Miranda frowned. ‘You don’t have to move out, Jules. You’re always welcome to stay here.’

  ‘I know, and I love that about you. But at some point, I need to stand on my own two feet and not rely on people around me.’ She smiled at Miranda. ‘You know?’

  ‘Well, I like having you around, so no stress.’

  ‘Still, it would probably be good to start looking at what’s available.’ Julia eyed me, a question in her eyes.

  ‘What?’ I asked. ‘You want to come with me to look at the flats on Saturday?’

  ‘Sure!’ Julia nodded and looked at Miranda. ‘Let’s all go!’

  ‘Uhh…’ Miranda gave her a startled look. ‘I’m sure Jacky doesn’t want us there.’

  ‘Of course he does. Don’t you?’ Julia gave me an exaggerated nod. ‘You’ll need us to make sure your new place has everything on your list.’

  ‘Uh-huh, yeah.’ I narrowed my eyes as Julia tried to communicate something through hers. ‘Of course.’ Whatever Julia was trying to tell me, it might be nice to have company when looking at the flats. I cleared my throat. ‘Yeah, you should both come.’

  Julia looked satisfied. ‘Great!’

  Miranda and I looked at each other and she shook her head. Julia was clearly up to something, but as Miranda and I had both worried about her, we let it go. Julia had been a shell of her real self since Nick had broken up with her a few weeks earlier, so it was a breath of fresh air to see her excited about anything. She spent the rest of the evening questioning me about what I was looking for and wrote a long list on her phone of what she called essentials in order for us to refer to it later.

  When Saturday morning came around, Julia and Miranda met me outside at nine thirty, and we got into Mum’s car. ‘Morning,’ I said as I took them in.

  ‘Uh-huh,’ Miranda answered. She looked as though she had just woken up. Her winter coat wasn’t zipped up and under it she wore an oversized jumper over leggings.

  Julia, on the other hand, seemed almost chipper. Her red hair bounced as she said, ‘Good morning! Where are we going first?’

  ‘First stop is here in Duddingston,’ I said, and drove the short distance to the cul-de-sac where the ground floor flat was located, as Julia chattered on about how exciting it all was.

  I parked in the parking bay just outside the house and we got out and met the landlord, Dave. We shook hands, and he led the way through the front door.

  ‘The previous tenants are moving out in the first week
of January, and the flat will be available from the eighth of January. They’re out just now, so feel free to have a look around.’

  Julia got her phone out and started going through her list as we looked through the apartment.

  ‘Ooohh!’ Came Julia’s voice from the kitchen. ‘It has a dishwasher.’

  I sent Miranda a knowing look and she smirked back at me. Julia tended to end up doing the dishes whenever we ate together, as her cooking was somewhat of a health hazard.

  We joined Julia in the kitchen. It was small, but with Mum and Miranda just a couple of blocks away, I wasn’t expecting to be doing much cooking there, so that was fine.

  Looking round the rest of the flat, it seemed like a good place. It was nice and fresh and came furnished – which was a plus as I didn’t have much – and it was spacious for being a two-bed. There was a shower and bath in the bathroom, and the only downside Julia could find there was that the bathroom sink didn’t have a mixer tap.

  ‘You’ll scald yourself on the hot water and then freeze on the cold.’ Julia shook her head. ‘It’s a stupid system.’

  I had never given sinks or taps much thought, but I guessed she had a point.

  ‘Mir, will you flush the toilet?’ Julia asked.

  ‘Sure.’ She pushed the handle, and the toilet flushed. ‘Seems to be in working order.’

  ‘Good.’ Julia nodded. ‘And again.’

  Miranda gave her an amused look but complied. The flush was weaker this time, but good enough. Julia narrowed her eyes at me in question.

  ‘The toilet works.’ I gave her an exaggerated thumbs up. She seemed to be taking this apartment hunt a little seriously, considering she wasn’t planning on moving in.

  She shook her head and went to ask Dave a bunch of questions about the utilities, and I couldn’t help but think she was trying to make herself scarce.

  With Julia chattering away to Dave, it became clearer how quiet Miranda was being. She looked around, but seemed withdrawn – almost insecure – and it made me wonder what was going on.