by Emma Browne
‘She has a gift for sure.’ Miranda chuckled, and I made sure to concentrate on peeling the potato.
‘Hey. Merry Christmas.’ Nick came in the kitchen and handed Mum a box of chocolates.
‘Aw, thank you dear,’ Mum said and gave him a hug. ‘Merry Christmas to you too! It’s good to see you.’
‘Hey man.’ I tilted my chin up at him. He hadn’t been round much since his breakup with Julia, and I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable. I had been clear with him that nobody was picking sides and told him he couldn’t skip out of Christmas.
‘You guys look like you’ve got this under control,’ he said as he looked around the kitchen, tensing when Julia came in to get plates for the table.
‘Nick,’ she said, as though trying to be on her best behaviour.
‘Jewel.’ He nodded.
She disappeared into the dining room again, and he cleared his throat. ‘So how can I help?’
‘Well, we’re all set in here, I think,’ Mum said. ‘But maybe you could find some chairs for the dining table?’
He stared at her before nodding. He took a deep breath and left to face Julia in the dining room.
Miranda glanced at me. ‘He looks miserable.’
‘Yeah.’ I didn’t say that he looked as miserable as I felt, because it was Christmas, and I didn’t want to scare her off. It was the truth, though. ‘Hey, did you see your Dad this morning?’
She nodded. ‘Yep.’
When she didn’t say anything else, I decided to leave it for now and try again later. Something told me her reluctance to get back together with me might be related to her relationship with her dad.
We ate and ate, and spent the evening playing games and talking about different ways of understanding Jesus and the cross. It got a bit heated, as it always did when we discussed God, but I enjoyed it. It was a long time since I had thought much about God at all. But seeing as it was Christmas, I guess it was fitting to think about him.
As we ate nuts, talked theology and played games, it struck me how much I had missed celebrating Christmas at home all those years when I was away. I had celebrated Christmas in Hong Kong as well, but whilst it was nice to go to a Japanese restaurant and have sushi, it didn’t feel like Christmas.
Now, though, surrounded by family and friends, dealing with the tension and challenges that were real relationships, and having deep discussions about theology, Christmas somehow felt complete.
We walked to church that night. Not to the charismatic evangelical church Mum and Dad usually attended, but to the more formal Presbyterian Church just up the road. They had a candle-lit midnight service we had attended ever since I was a baby, and walking there in the dark together was part of the Christmas tradition. Nick had left after our discussion about God, and though that was a shame, I figured the day had probably been intense enough for him. Nick’s leaving seemed to make Julia a little less on edge, too.
It had rained during the day, but now the sky was clear again and the temperature had fallen. Though going to church on Christmas Day was part of the tradition, I did struggle with the idea of it. It seemed hypocritical of me to go to a place dedicated to the worship of God when I had no desire to worship him myself. It may have been a long time since I had thought much about it, but I was still clear on the reasons why I didn’t like God.
Miranda ran home to get a warmer jumper, and I waited for her whilst the others started walking.
‘Hey, you didn’t have to wait for me,’ she said as she hurried towards me.
I shrugged, and we started up the road together. ‘Maybe I’m not waiting for you. Maybe I’m just reluctant to go to church.’
‘Yeah, I know the feeling.’ She nodded and pulled her hair out of her coat. ‘The Christmas service is usually nice, though.’
‘Sure.’ I said, and she smiled wryly at my sarcastic tone. ‘How’s Jimmy doing?’
She looked away, but I was surprised when she didn’t ignore my question about her dad. ‘He’s been worse.’ She snorted. ‘But he didn’t seem great, no.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘He was still a bit hung-over from last night, although he did his best to act sober.’ She shook her head. ‘He was happy to see me, though, and he lit up when I gave him the gift bags.’
‘Oh, yeah?’
‘Yeah.’ She nodded. ‘I didn’t stay long.’
‘Did you go to his flat, then?’
‘No, we met up for coffee. He doesn’t like me to come to his flat. I don’t know if he’s embarrassed because it’s always a mess, or if he doesn’t want me to run into his friends.’
‘Why? What’s wrong with his friends?’
‘There’s nothing wrong with them.’ She frowned as she thought of how to continue. ‘They all have pretty… colourful lives. Some of them have some form of mental health diagnosis, and most of them have some kind of addiction.’
‘They’re not criminals, then?’
‘What? No!’ She looked offended, but then softened. ‘I mean, of course there’s a bit of criminal stuff that goes on; there always is when there are drugs involved. A few of them have been to jail, but on the whole, they are good people.’ She sighed. ‘They’re people that got dropped between the sofa cushions of society.’
I glanced at her. ‘Is that what you believe? That it’s society’s fault they’re the way they are?’
She nodded. ‘Not one hundred percent, because everyone has some level of choice. But overall, yes.’
‘Some people have more choices than others, eh.’
‘Well, yeah.’ She met my eyes, and I got the sense she had strongly held beliefs about why some people ended up on the fringes of society but was unsure whether it was safe to share them with me. She glanced away. ‘Still, Dad doesn’t want his friends to give me any trouble.’
I wanted to ask her to tell me more about her thoughts but decided not to push things now. ‘Would they?’
‘Not when they’re sober. Not most of them, anyway. It’s different when they’re on stuff, though.’
We were at the church now and went inside. Miranda sat down next to Sophia and Julia, and I took a seat next to Mum. The church was warm, and decorated with candles and poinsettias, and there was a nativity scene set up at the front. Classical music was playing gently in the background, and it all made for a cosy picture. The reverend stood up, and the service began. The service consisted mostly of carols and a short message – none of which I heard. I was too distracted by what Miranda had told me.
Though I had always known Jimmy was an alcoholic, and that her upbringing had been different than mine, it hadn’t hit home until now how different from mine her life had been. She never used to talk about the alcoholism with me, and because she was so well adjusted, I guess I thought things hadn’t been too awful.
No, that wasn’t it. I wouldn’t lie to myself.
I didn’t know much about Jimmy’s alcoholism because I had been afraid to ask. I had been afraid she would tell me awful stories that I could do nothing about, and instead I had pretended there was nothing wrong. And at times, that had probably been fine. But I could see now how selfish I had been. Not just in how I had broken up with her, but also in how our relationship had functioned.
And now I didn’t know how to tell her how sorry I was. I worried that would just make everything worse.
Was this the reason why she wasn’t willing to get back together with me? Did she think of me as someone that was fun to be around, but who wouldn’t be there for the hard things in life?
I stood up as everyone around me stood to sing O Come All Ye Faithful. I hid an inward snort. Mum elbowed me in the side and gave me a look, so I sang along, albeit half-heartedly. Faithful suddenly meant a lot more than not sleeping with someone else.
I shook my head. I might not have been a very faithful person back then, but I had changed. All those years in therapy had helped me become a better person. Someone who wasn’t afraid of pain anymore.
&nbs
p; But how did I tell Miranda that?
Chapter 29
Miranda
As I attended the midnight service on Christmas Day, I thought about Dad. After calling and texting him for weeks to arrange a time to meet up, he had finally texted me back a couple of days earlier. I had told Jack that Dad and I had met up for coffee, and that was true, although he probably thought that meant we had gone to a coffee shop. Instead I had stopped at Starbucks on the way and picked up a coffee for him and a tea for me. Then, I went to meet him in Regent Road Park, where we had sat on a bench overlooking Arthur’s Seat. That was where we tended to meet when he was in one of his drinking periods. When he was sober, things were different. Everything was different then.
I had told Jack that my dad was a bit hung-over. It might have been more truthful to say that Dad was still drunk from last night, but I had never seen the need to be that frank when people asked about Dad. The only person who knew what Dad was really like was Jack’s dad, John, and he had never judged. Instead, he had been a stable friend for Dad. Other than John, though, I found people had their own understanding of alcoholism, and the less I told them about Dad, the less likely they were to judge.
I didn’t think people generally were judgemental and cruel, but I had heard my fair share of: if they really want to get sober, they could just stop drinking. And whenever I had tried to talk about Dad with Jack back in the day, he was never very interested. Instead, it had seemed he would rather talk about anything else. So, when Jack had asked about Dad tonight, it surprised me. I wasn’t sure what to tell him, or how frank to be. And it was awkward talking to him about it, because Dad was a good reminder of why I couldn’t get back together with Jack.
Dad was amazing in the good times, but he never had been able to handle the bad times. Watching Mum go through the heartbreak of loving him – and consistently being disappointed by him – was the main reason I didn’t want to be in a relationship with somebody I loved.
My heart wouldn’t be able to handle that again.
Julia smiled at me when the service ended, and after making some awkward small talk with the people around us, we made our way outside. I took a breath of fresh air, pushing my thoughts to one side, as Sophia said, ‘I love Christmas services. There’s something reassuring about them. Does it bother anyone else, though, when the reverend talks about Jesus entering our world, our time, as a baby?’
I frowned. ‘That is how the story goes though, isn’t it?’
She laughed. ‘Sure, he was born into the world like all the rest of us, but saying it in a way where he enters our time suggests that he was somehow outside our time before. That God somehow stands outside of time.’
Julia shook her head. ‘Honestly Sophia, haven’t we had enough of theological discussions for one night?’
‘Never!’ Sophia said in an ominous sounding voice before giving the widest grin.
Julia huffed and gave her a gentle push. ‘Come on, let’s walk back.’
I frowned and followed them, walking next to Michael. ‘Do you not think God lives outside of time?’
‘How would that work, exactly?’ Michael looked at me as I thought about it.
‘I don’t know, but I guess maybe God sits in this big room, and what we do here on earth – from start to finish – is like a movie to him. It starts when he hits play, and ends when he hits stop?’
‘Then, would he experience all these thousands of years as thousands of years? Could he fast forward? Go back and change things?’
‘I guess to him our whole existence might seem like the wink of an eye.’
‘Uh-huh.’ Michael nodded. ‘And what is his role?’
‘He’s the director? The author?’ I shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
Michael squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his face. ‘Oh, there are so many ways I disagree with you on all of what you’ve just said.’
I laughed. ‘Of course there is.’
Julia turned around and gave Michael a firm look. ‘But because you’re such a nice person and understand that we’ve had enough theological discussion for one night, you will refrain. Won’t you?’
‘You’re no fun, do you know that?’ Sophia sent Julia a playful frown.
Julia snorted. ‘Since when are theological discussions considered fun?’
Michael held up his hands and smiled. ‘Right. I’ll just say one thing.’ He looked at me again. ‘What is time?’
Julia groaned. ‘That’s not what refraining means!’
Michael and I both ignored her.
I gave Michael a dry look. ‘Well, time is made up of seconds, minutes, hours…’
‘No, that’s one way to measure time. But it isn’t what time is.’ He shook his head. ‘Time is just before and after.’
‘Before and after?’
‘Yeah. If nothing ever happens, then is time really a thing? But, as soon as an event takes place, there becomes a before the event, and an after the event.’
‘Huh.’
Michael smiled at the frown on my face and gave me some time to think.
‘What does that mean, though?’
Julia turned again, squeezed in between Michael and me, and looked up at him. ‘Michael, do you ever miss Canada?’
He frowned at her. ‘Why?’
‘I’ve been thinking of going for a visit. What are the sights not to be missed?’
‘Yeah, yeah, fine.’ He put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squeeze. ‘We can talk about something else.’
‘Oh, yay!’ Her face lit up and she clapped her hands in an exaggerated show of excitement.
As we walked home talking about trivial things, I wondered why Sophia and Michael both seemed to think the concept of whether God existed inside or outside of time was so important. I had never considered the idea that God might not exist outside of time, but as I started thinking about it, it struck me that there was a whole heap of assumptions I had made about God.
I wondered how many of them were true.
Chapter 30
Miranda
After Christmas, I spent the days in the office working on reports and thinking about the nature of time. I also thought a lot about Jack.
After I had spoken to him about our relationship again, he had backed off, and we had gone back to a more comfortable friendship. Or it should have been comfortable. I no longer felt the pressure of him wanting more out of our relationship, and all our interactions had been only friendly.
He helped me put care packages together for Dad’s friends and asked about how things were with Dad in a way he never had before. Or he would come over, and we would cook dinner together after work. Or he would go over the Project Cup accounts with me, and he spent hours reading up on the laws around social enterprises.
It was all very friendly. Which was exactly the way I wanted it to be.
Except it wasn’t.
Because the longer this charade went on for, the clearer it became that I would forever love Jack. I had loved Jack the teenager, but after spending so much time together over the last few months, I realised that Jack the teenager had nothing on Jack the man.
Jack the man was kind and considerate, and full of adventure and ideas. And after spending the last six years in a daze in which I had decided to give up on hoping for anything other than a boring life, I was starting to dream and think in possibilities again.
And though I knew that there could never be anything more than friendship between us, now that the pressure was off, I wished I could go back in time so things could be different. I wished we hadn’t postponed our wedding, and that Jack had stayed in Edinburgh instead of going to Hong Kong back then. I wished I had told Jack about the baby when I had first found out. And most of all, I wished there was a way of erasing the past and rewriting our story.
But there wasn’t. And even as everything about Jack made me love him more, I also knew I had to start looking for ways of doing life without him.
I had told Jack I wouldn’t
ever marry anyone, but I wondered if maybe it would be nice to marry somebody my heart would be safe from. Somebody that could be a companion rather than the love of my life. I liked having my own space, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to live alone for the rest of my life.
In any case, I had to do something to get away from all these feelings I had about Jack. Maybe if I dated somebody that wasn’t him, I might get the message that Jack and I really weren’t getting back together.
That’s why I agreed to go out with Angus.
I had seen Angus in the lunchroom a few days earlier, and he had asked me out again. Not knowing how to get out of the situation, I nodded and said yes. He pushed his glasses up his nose and looked a little taken aback that I had agreed. ‘Really?’ he said, and then I really couldn’t get out of it, so I nodded. He beamed at me then and told me he would check his calendar and we could arrange an evening the following week. I didn’t know any other twenty-six-year-old men who would want to consult their calendars before making arrangements to date somebody, but that was Angus.
A few days later, it was Hogmanay, and we were gathered at my house. After going to the street party in the city centre for a few years, we had decided we would rather spend New Year’s Eve inside than freezing to death in the rain with thousands of people. Sophia had instigated an annual monopoly game. She was a ruthless player and won most years, but the rest of us had a more relaxed attitude to the game. This year Nick had opted to go to the street party with some work friends, and it was the first year Jack was there.
I had played Monopoly with Jack and Julia when we were kids. It tended to end with Julia throwing the board across the room after accusing Jack of cheating – which he vehemently denied doing. I don’t think Jack cheated as much as she thought he did – he was just better at playing the game and was therefore more likely to win.
I made sure everyone had drinks and snacks easily accessible before sitting down in my assigned seat next to the cash Sophia had dished out for me.
‘Do you want to be the shoe, as usual?’ Sophia asked.