Heart of Us

by Emma Browne

  ‘Let him forget. And you forget him, too.’ Sophia squeezed my hand gently. Then she smirked. ‘Or do something about it.’

  My eyes flew to hers. Do something about it? ‘No, you’re right. Of course.’ I gave a shaky laugh and shook my head. What was I thinking? ‘Of course.’

  ‘Great. Then let’s go back in there and work out the future of Project Cup.’

  I nodded decisively. ‘Right.’

  I followed Sophia back inside, my eyes automatically finding Jack’s as I entered the living room. He was whistling that song I couldn’t place as he leaned back in his chair. Though I had just agreed with Sophia that it was best for both of us to move on, I found myself wondering if maybe, maybe, I had it all wrong. Still, I sat down as Nick and Julia brought our drinks and got my notebook out.

  Chapter 47

  Jack

  Ever since Miranda told me about the miscarriage and I stopped seeing her all the time, I had felt conflicted about Project Cup board meetings. Board meetings meant I had to see Miranda again, and that was painful. But also, they meant I got to see Miranda again, and there was really nowhere I would rather be than next to her. So, yes. Conflicted.

  When I had first arrived and understood who Angus was, I had experienced a flicker of jealousy. Not because I thought she had moved on – I wasn’t sure that was possible for either of us at this point – but because Angus could hang out with her without a whole lifetime of unprocessed pain getting in the way. As I recognised my jealousy for what it was, I realised I had some decisions to make.

  After my run the other night, I had been back to see my counsellor, Alison, twice. When I had told her that I wanted to try to change, she had looked me in the eye and said, ‘Changing might hurt. At times, it might hurt a lot.’

  ‘Yeah. I’m hoping it will be worth the pain.’ My laugh felt awkward, or maybe I laughed to cover how awkward and utterly out of my depth I felt. ‘It will be worth it, right?’

  Alison smiled. ‘Only one way to find out, I suppose.’

  ‘Uh-huh, and what is that one way?’

  ‘Well, seeing as you have gotten to where you are by avoiding anything that might be painful, maybe you would like to consider doing the opposite for a while. Try to approach the kinds of things you would otherwise avoid.’

  ‘Approach, don’t avoid.’ I nodded. ‘Where do I begin?’

  ‘Well, if this was about you just being generally risk averse, then you could go take a financial risk, or do some extreme sport, or something.’ She twisted her lip. ‘But I reckon you’d feel quite comfortable with those kinds of things.’

  I gave a wry smile. ‘Yeah, I think I’ve done those kinds of things in the past to appear confident and adventurous. I’m not afraid of losing money or injuring myself physically. I’m scared of feeling powerless in the face of other people’s feelings. I’m afraid of not being able to fix people that matter when they hurt. So, I’ve tried to live as though they don’t matter. As though I don’t care.’

  Alison nodded. ‘And for you to approach these things now, it would look like…’

  I closed my eyes and lean my head backwards against the chair. ‘It would look like caring.’

  After actively choosing not to care about things for so long, it had become a habit to shrug things off. And being able to shrug things off had been an asset in many ways – it had made me able to climb the career ladder quickly. But as I looked at my life now, I saw it as a false strength. To care wasn’t the same as being weak. Really caring and being able to handle the disappointments and hurts in life was real strength.

  As I talked to Angus in Miranda’s hallway, I went through a whole range of emotions, the first being an intense flicker of jealousy. And because the jealousy was uncomfortable, my initial reaction had been to shrug it off. But then I had looked at Miranda, and as her eyes met mine, I found in myself a new determination not to settle for being okay with our relationship being broken. A determination never to settle for less than everything with her ever again.

  I did my best to get to know Angus, so I would experience the jealousy until it hurt beyond what I could handle. He turned out to be a really nice guy, and part of me was thankful Miranda had a good guy in her life that evidently cared about her. The other part of me struggled to contain the emotions that warred within me. And as I sat there, eating some food she had made that probably would have tasted lovely had I been able to taste anything other than my own emotions, I decided that enough was enough. I wasn’t going to let pain and hurt dictate my life anymore. Despite the pain and the feeling of powerlessness screaming at me to get up and leave, I stayed, and wondered what I needed to do to get Miranda back.

  ‘Has everyone had a chance to look at the numbers I sent out?’ Miranda asked, once everyone had a drink and had sat down. She looked around the room, meeting everybody’s eyes except mine. Was she annoyed with me?

  The Arctic Monkeys’ Baby I’m Yours had been running through my mind ever since I had come back to Scotland and seen Miranda again, and I whistled it softly to myself as I got my phone. We had spent hours listening to The Arctic Monkeys together in our teens, and though this wasn’t a song that well defined the Arctic Monkeys – it was probably a cover – it well defined my state. I would belong to Miranda until the end of time.

  I pulled up my emails to find the document she was referring to. When I had first seen the email, I had looked at the numbers, and they didn’t look great. I mean, it was great that they had been able to fund the distribution of period cups to that high school in Kenya, but I wasn’t convinced it was a cost-effective model in the long term. I sipped my coffee as everyone started talking over each other, asking questions about particular numbers. To me it seemed obvious that it had been a good pilot project. But if it was to be continued as a serious social enterprise, some major investment would be required for it to be viable in the long-term.

  ‘If everyone understands where the numbers come from now, then I’d like to give you my interpretation of them,’ Miranda said, glancing at Julia, who was already frowning. ‘I think this has been a good project, but honestly, if we had just spent the money we invested in having period cups shipped to the high school in Kenya straight away, we would have been able to give out a similar amount of period cups.’

  ‘Yes, but…’ Julia tried cutting in.

  ‘However,’ Miranda kept going. ‘By selling period cups in Scotland, we have also raised awareness of period poverty, and those that have bought a period cup have obviously cut down their period waste massively. As far as awareness and environmental impact goes, we’ve done some good.’

  Julia looked pleased, elbowing Nick in the side as her smile widened. ‘Exactly.’

  ‘On the other hand, though…’ Miranda waved her finger in the air, pointing at Julia and herself. ‘Julia and I have both taken long haul flights, which obviously isn’t great from an environmental perspective.’

  Julia frowned again. ‘Uh-huh. But…’

  ‘Let me finish.’ Miranda held up her hand. ‘What I’m saying is, there are pros and cons to how we’ve carried out this project. And when I look at these figures and weigh everything up, then I think we now stand with a choice of three options. We could say we’ve done a good thing and wrap it up now. Or we could keep this up on a project kind of basis. That would mean we would work like we have been, and in the end, we could have made a similar amount of difference by just giving the money straight to the organisations or schools that we want to help. And in my view, that isn’t really an option as it seems a rather inefficient way to make a difference.’

  ‘Gah!’ Julia couldn’t keep it in any longer. ‘Why are you being so negative, Miranda?’

  ‘I’m not-’ Miranda tried to say.

  ‘Why can you not see that as we keep going, this whole project will take off?’

  ‘Julia, hold on-’ Nick ran a hand down her arm, trying to get her attention.

  ‘No, I’ve got to say this.’ Julia shook her head
and looked at Miranda, waving her hands in the air as she spoke. ‘There are loads of possibilities of things we could do with this. But you refuse to see any of them. Why does everything have to come down to a balance sheet?’

  ‘I don’t-’ Miranda tried again, but Julia wasn’t listening.

  ‘Not everything can be measured-’

  ‘Julia, hold on.’ Nick took her hand. ‘Take a breath.’

  Sophia and I winced at each other as Julia slowly turned to face Nick. ‘Take a breath?’

  Nick’s smiled apologetically at her. ‘Yeah?’ He shrugged as he said, ‘Miranda isn’t out to get you. It’s okay.’

  I rubbed my hands over my face and snorted as I thanked God I wasn’t Nick.

  ‘I know she isn’t out to get me.’ Julia’s eyes took on that rather agitated edge that meant she thought she was being pushed just beyond what she considered reasonable, and she didn’t like it. Having been on the receiving end of that look plenty growing up, I shook my head and hoped Nick knew what he was getting himself in to. She went on, ‘I know it’s bloomin’ okay. We’re just having a disagreement is all.’ She looked at Miranda. ‘Right?’

  Miranda cleared her throat. ‘Sure.’

  Nick held his hands up and sank back into the couch. ‘Sure. Great! Good.’

  I avoided looking at anyone to keep from laughing at him.

  ‘Look, I get it,’ Miranda looked Julia in the eye. ‘You’re right that there is much more to be done here. I feel strongly about period poverty, too, but we need to look at the facts. And considering the facts, those are two of our options.’

  ‘But these are not facts, as much as they are your interpretation of the data,’ Julia insisted.

  Miranda held a hand up, her eyes exasperated, and I hid a smile as I imagined the mess this whole project would have been without Miranda’s sense and determination to live in reality. It took courage to step out of the dream, take a hard look at reality, and choose to live in it even when it didn’t measure up to the dream. ‘If you would let me finish, I’d like to say that a third option would be to invest properly in Project Cup so that it can become a viable social enterprise.’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’ Julia nodded. ‘Go on.’

  ‘Right.’ Miranda gave her a wry smile. ‘If we want to do this properly, then Project Cup has to go from being a nice hobby to being something we treat as a business – investing ourselves in it more fully.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ve been thinking about business start-ups, and how they tend to fail,’ Sophia cut in. ‘I’ve never seen Project Cup as a business, but as a movement. Or a revolution. We want to see an end to period poverty. Imagine the impact all those girls who are dropping out of school could have on the world if they were to get their education. But this isn’t just a job – it’s a calling. You know?’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying!’ Julia raised her hands in the air.

  ‘Uh-huh, and rah-rah and all that,’ Miranda seemed to struggle not to laugh. ‘I agree – it’s great that we have dedication. But I’m trying to say that there’s risk involved. And that risk is something we should all weigh up before we go any further. What will the actual cost be? Will we quit our jobs and immerse ourselves in selling period cups?’

  ‘Sure!’ Julia lit up at the thought. She had always jumped first and thought later. ‘That’s a great idea.’

  ‘And how are we going to pay our bills? How will we eat? Look Julia, it’s great you’re enthusiastic, but can we be a little realistic here too? You love teaching – are you really going to give that up?’ Miranda looked defeated, and my heart sank as she said, ‘I wish we could have a real conversation about this.’

  ‘Yeah, okay, you might have a point there.’ Julia smiled and took a deep breath. ‘Okay, but maybe I could come down in hours, though.’

  ‘Uh-huh, and is that something you can afford to do?’

  ‘Of course. I can turn the heating down, and eat porridge and boiled eggs.’ Julia nodded and Miranda looked like she was counting to ten.

  ‘Okay, great, but isn’t that a conversation you want to have with Nick, considering you guys are getting married and will be living together?’

  Julia clearly hadn’t thought of that, but she played it off as though it wasn’t a big deal. ‘Oh, well, Nick’s onboard. I’m sure he doesn’t mind.’ She turned toward him. ‘You like porridge and boiled eggs, don’t you?’

  ‘Um…’ Nick looked like a deer in headlights. He looked at me as though he was asking for help, and I could only shake my head and bite my lips to keep from laughing at his prospects of freezing at home and having burned porridge for the foreseeable future.

  ‘Sophia, say something!’ Miranda gave Sophia an expectant look.

  ‘Well, I don’t think it’s any of our business how Julia and Nick decide to structure their finances.’ Sophia rubbed the back of her neck. She seemed unsure of what Miranda was asking her to comment on. ‘But if it was me, I wouldn’t think Nick has much say in how Julia wants to spend her money. Do you?’

  Michael shook his head at Sophia and tried to hide his smile. ‘I don’t think that’s what Miranda meant.’

  ‘No! Obviously, that’s not what I meant.’ Miranda’s eyes were wide, and her voice rose as she said, ‘I don’t care how they structure their finances. I care that we make calculated choices. If I am going to risk my job and my house, then I want to know that you guys have thought through your own commitment, too. I don’t want to jump into this if you guys are going to change your mind when you realise that there’s actual cost involved.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ Sophia said quietly with a nod. ‘Of course.’

  ‘Yeah, okay.’ Julia cleared her throat. ‘That makes sense.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Miranda said in an exasperated tone. She took a deep breath.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Julia said quickly, scrunching her face up as though embarrassed. ‘I didn’t realise you were seriously considering this as an option. I thought you had made your mind up that it wasn’t worth it to keep going. So I came ready to fight.’

  ‘Yeah, I know. It’s okay.’ Miranda ran her hands through her hair, leaving them at the top of her head as she said, ‘I’m still not decided either way, but I think we need to properly explore all options before we make a decision.’

  ‘Right. We should definitely do that.’ Sophia nodded.

  Julia’s eyes sparkled. ‘What do we do next?’

  ‘Okay.’ Miranda smiled and pushed the sleeves of her shirt up. ‘Next we look at what it would look like to take the third option. I’ve looked at a few scenarios and costed them out.’

  ‘Okay, great.’ Julia relaxed back in her seat and motioned for Miranda to continue.

  Miranda went on to paint a picture of what the social enterprise could look like in five years, and then passed around papers with a potential budget for the first year. Her vision was inspiring, but after glancing at the budget it was clear to me that there were some real hurdles. I wondered if all this was just an elaborate way for Miranda to explain to everyone why she wanted to close it all down, or if she really thought it was worth investing in. And I couldn’t help but think of how, for so long, I had thought we had a chance to make our relationship work, but in her mind, it had been doomed from the start.

  ‘As you can see, this budget doesn’t balance, and that’s due to a few things, but one of the major reasons is that I’ve included a paid position. That’s because I’m not in a financial position to quit my job and work for free right now. And Julia isn’t going to quit her job either, and I bet you’re not either, Soph. Right?’

  ‘I wish I could just quit.’ Sophia looked up from the budget and grimaced.

  ‘Mhm.’ Miranda nodded. ‘That’s why I’ve included a paid position which we could share. That way, we could all come down in hours at our real jobs, but also work and get paid a little here. I mean, it’s not a massive salary, but it’s something.’

  ‘That sounds great,’ Michael said. ‘But where is the money
to balance the deficit going to come from?’

  ‘That’s what I’m saying. I don’t know.’ Miranda threw her hands in the air. ‘That’s why we’re having this conversation, ‘cause how on earth am I meant to know how to find this kind of money?’

  ‘Then, you have made your mind up already.’ Julia said disappointedly. ‘I thought you said you were open-’

  ‘I was telling Angus all this over lunch the other day, and he had some thoughts.’ Miranda went on as though Julia hadn’t spoken. She gestured towards Angus and winked. ‘He’s not just a pretty face, you know.’

  Angus flushed and gave an awkward laugh.

  I reminded myself I was thankful that Miranda had good friends, even as I wished that I, rather than pretty-faced Angus, could be the one to fix her problems.

  ‘Okay, all I said was I have some contacts, and I think it wouldn’t be impossible to raise that kind of money for a year,’ Angus said. ‘By the end of the first year, I think you should be able to cover this position by your sales, and if you can’t, then you would need to have another conversation as to where this is all going. But for now, I think it’s a great idea and I would love to help you make it work.’

  Julia clapped her hands, and Miranda grimaced at Angus before giving Julia a patient smile. ‘Yeah, yeah, so there are ways of making it work.’

  Angus coming in as a white knight stung a little before I realised that Miranda’s problem was never the money. The deficit was big considering the size of the project, but in the big scheme of things it wasn’t a huge amount of money we were talking about. No, Miranda’s problem wasn’t money. Miranda’s problem was that she wasn’t sure she could trust the rest of us not to leave her alone and sinking.

  As this dawned on me, I felt hope stir for the first time in months.

  Miranda hadn’t called us together to tell us she wanted out. She had called us together to see if we were willing to give it a real go. To see if we were in it together. She wanted to make this work, maybe more than anyone else in the room. But she didn’t want to do it alone.