Heart of Us

by Emma Browne

Miranda

  It was starting to get light outside by the time I got to the beach at Portobello. Sitting down on the wall between the prom and the beach, I watched as the waves licked the sand in the dim light. Spring was on its way, and it had started to get a little warmer in the last week, but it was still cold before the sun was up. It was the perfect morning to watch the sun rise. Everything was peaceful and calm. The sun was on fire on the horizon, painting the sky in light pinks and oranges as the waves swept in over the sand.

  ‘Miranda?’

  I turned toward him and watched as he approached me. Despite the cold, I felt my hands get clammy. ‘Jack.’ I nodded and wiped my hands on my jeans.

  Closer now, he stopped and sat down next to me on the wall, and I felt his gaze on my face, which made it harder to hold on to the blush that was breaking out. Taking him in, I noticed that his hair was a mess, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his cheeks were scruffy. He looked as tired and nervous as I felt.

  ‘Are you ok?’ I asked when he had sat down beside me.

  He flashed me a self-conscious smile. ‘Uh, I’d like to say yes, but that would be a lie. I’m nervous.’ His eyes roamed my face. ‘You?’

  My head felt as though it might come off, it was nodding so hard. ‘Me too.’

  His smile softened. ‘We can be nervous together then.’

  I laughed awkwardly. ‘Yes.’

  Jumping down into the sand, he said, ‘Come, let’s walk. I can’t sit still when I feel like this.’

  I jumped down too, and we walked down toward the water in a silence that stretched so long it was painful, before I cleared my throat. ‘I read your letters.’

  ‘I figured.’ His eyes narrowed as though he was bracing himself. ‘What did you think?’

  Breaking eye contact with him in order to be able to think, I turned toward the sea again, rubbing my sore neck as I searched for words. ‘I feel… honoured that you would share your thoughts and feelings with me like that.’

  He grimaced. ‘I should have been open with you about it all from the start.’

  I shrugged. ‘Shoulda, woulda, coulda… The past is the past.’

  ‘Aye, but from now, on things will be different.’ He bit the inside of his lip before continuing, ‘I want to be open and real with you.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Hearing how stilted it sounded, I winced. ‘About the kiss…’

  Jack glanced at me before looking away, and we kept walking towards Joppa.

  I cleared my throat and without thinking the words poured out of me. ‘I kissed you because I didn’t want you to leave thinking I didn’t care about you. And I wanted to thank you for everything you had done for me and Dad, but-’

  Jack hung his head as he shook it. ‘There was never a need to thank me.’

  ‘I-’

  ‘No, listen.’ He rubbed his hands over his face. ‘It was nice to see Jimmy again, although I hope he’ll feel better next time I see him.’

  ‘Still, I’m grateful. I know I could have done it alone, but it was nice of you to be there.’

  ‘I know you can do anything alone, but you shouldn’t have to.’ His eyes met mine, and I noticed they were wet. It struck me that I had never seen as much emotion in his eyes as I did then. He shook his head and took a deep breath. ‘I wish I was there for you when you miscarried, and when Lisa died. You have no idea how sorry I am that you were alone in all that.’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, it sucked.’ I glanced at him. ‘I missed you.’ I wasn’t going to make light of the worst time of my life. But he wasn’t the only one that had made decisions out of brokenness. ‘The way I thought about things didn’t help, though. If you’d been here, I probably would have pushed you away, because I was afraid that I might come to rely on you too much. I’d seen how Mum relied on Dad, and over and over again he failed her. So, I decided I wouldn’t be like Mum. I’d be fine on my own. And I was angry with God for putting me through all that.’ I frowned as I thought about it. ‘I’ve come to realise I got it wrong, though. God didn’t make me miscarry, and he didn’t kill Mum, or make Dad an alcoholic, or make you break up with me. But God knows all the possibilities, and he isn’t surprised when shit happens.’

  Jack smirked at me. ‘Oh no?’

  ‘No! He’s not there like, oh no, what will I do now?’ I waved my hands in the air. ‘I’ve come to think that God is able, and he wants to take the shitty circumstances and turn things around. He’s able to find solutions and ways even where I can’t see them.’

  We kept walking, but the silence wasn’t awkward now. I didn’t feel unsure anymore. Instead I felt like, no matter where the pieces fell, it was right to have it all out with him. It wasn’t easy to trust him with the vulnerable places in me, but it felt right.

  I cleared my throat. ‘You were right in your letter when you said about me feeling lonely and wishing for a companion. Not relying on anyone other than myself meant I feel lonely a lot. And it meant losing you. Again.’ I sighed and pulled my hands through my hair. ‘Gah! This is hard.’

  The corners of his lips pulled up slightly as he stretched out a hand to me. I took it, and felt a shiver go up my arm. His hand was big compared to mine, and warm, and strong.

  ‘I’ve decided I don’t want to only rely on myself for everything anymore. I’d rather trust that, through all the shit, God has good things for me, and when I’m unable to cope, his love will still be there for me.’ I looked up at Jack, deciding to lay it all out there for him. ‘I think I misunderstood Mum too. I thought she kept looking to Dad to fix things for her, and he could never be steady or safe enough for her. It angered me that she would continue to take him back when he’d hurt us over and over again. But I didn’t understand that she didn’t need him to be any different, because she trusted that God would be there for us no matter what choices Dad made. You know?’

  He gave me a lopsided grin. ‘I always thought Lisa was kinder than most people.’

  I snorted. ‘Uh-huh. I used to think she was weak, the way she kept taking him back. But now I think she was a pretty amazing person. She didn’t see herself as a victim, and she wasn’t threatened by Dad’s dysfunction. Instead she chose to love him, even as it hurt, and she trusted God to still love her when she hurt.’

  Jack sat down in the sand, so I sat down next to him and stared at the sea. The waves were lapping the beach and the sun was lying above the horizon now. ‘I was wrong not to tell you about the baby.’

  ‘If you’d told me back then-’

  I shook my head. ‘I should have told you when I first found out I was pregnant. You had a right to know. And we should definitely have talked about it when you came back.’ Running my fingers through my hair, I continued, ‘I shouldn’t have closed down on you like I did. I forgave you for leaving a long time ago.’ I gave him a wry smile. ‘It would have been hypocritical not to forgive you, because I often wished I had left too.’

  Jack swallowed, but his voice was hoarse when he spoke. ‘Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you hadn’t miscarried?’

  ‘Of course.’ I leaned toward him and let him wrap his arm around me. ‘Do you?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He frowned. ‘Honestly, I don’t think I would have handled it well, considering the place I was in at the time. I wasn’t able to handle much back then.’

  I nodded. It meant a lot to me that he was honest with me. ‘Isn’t it strange that you had that dream about us arguing about baby names before I found out I was pregnant?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Jack shrugged. ‘I’ve dreamed of having children with you for a long time, though. I still do.’

  I looked up at him and decided to go all in. ‘Me too. I never stopped loving you, and I should have sorted things out with you and trusted God to take care of me whatever happened.’

  Jack tucked some of my hair behind my ear, causing my ear, and cheek to tingle with excitement. He was close enough that I could see my reflection in his eyes. He bit the inside of his cheek as if to stop from saying
something.

  ‘I’m sorry I pushed you away.’ I braced myself before saying, ‘Do you think we could try again?’

  Chapter 50

  Jack

  The hope I had felt since the board meeting now exploded in my chest like fireworks. For years, I had dreamed of the day when we would get back together. And now it seemed those dreams were on the cusp of coming true.

  That was what she meant, right? She did want to get back together, didn’t she? I tried to reign in my hopes. She probably wanted to be friends again – at least to begin with.

  ‘Miranda…’ I swallowed, feeling unsure of myself. Don’t mess this up, don’t mess this up. ‘Just to clarify, what do you mean when you say try again?’

  She frowned. ‘I mean, I’d like to have you in my life again.’

  Dread filled me, and all the fireworks fell flat in my stomach like a big rock. ‘In your life again?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Like as a… what? A neighbour? A friend? A partner? A husband? A what?’

  ‘Yeah…’ She nodded. ‘Like all of that.’

  ‘Oh, yeah?’ Not able to believe what she was saying, I said, ‘Are you sure?’

  Pulling her hand to herself, she glanced at me before looking toward the sea. ‘Are you not?’

  ‘No, no!’ I reached for her again, but she avoided my hand, and my heart lurched at how she was pulling away from me. ‘Mir, you’re misunderstanding me.’

  She pushed some hair out of her face. ‘Am I?’

  ‘Yes!’ I ran my hand over her soft hair and reached for her hand again. ‘Listen, I want to be all those things to you. I just don’t want you to feel pressured, or like you’re making a decision you’re not sure of.’

  ‘I don’t feel pressured.’ Miranda gave a shy smile and squeezed my hand. ‘I’ve let my fears run my life for long enough. I want to live my life. And I want to live it with you.’

  The fireworks in me were back – this time bigger and more electric than ever before. I grinned. ‘Great. Me too.’

  She grinned back at me. ‘Great.’

  ‘Great.’

  She laughed softly, as though unable to contain her delight. Pulling her hand to my lips, I kissed her knuckles. She leaned forward, letting her nose brush my cheek, and I tilted my face towards hers as she pressed her lips to mine.

  Time stood still and sped up all at once.

  She pulled back a little, still smiling.

  I wrapped my arm around her, brushing my hand down her hair and let myself breathe her in as she nuzzled into my neck. I wanted to stay there for the rest of my life. Never let go of her. Never stop feeling her breath on my neck.

  But there were still things to talk about.

  Still holding on to her, I leaned back so I could see her face. ‘As much as I want to get back together with you, and as much as I’m working on changing, I need you to know that I don’t trust myself on how to deal with suffering of any kind right now. The way I handled finding out about the miscarriage tells me I’ve still got stuff to work out.’

  ‘That’s ok. I don’t need to trust you to deal with my pain, or anyone else’s.’ She gave me a reassuring smile. ‘You can fail as much as you need to – I will fail too. But I want to trust that in our failures, God is big enough to still offer us his love. And if he loves us, then I want to trust that, whatever happens, I’m going to be safe in his love.’

  I slid my hand under the hair behind her neck and tilted her head toward me. Her face shone with delight. I was pretty sure my face matched hers, because I was delighted too. The over the moon kind of delighted, where I wasn’t sure I would be able to ever express just how delighted I was.

  Pulling at her shoulders, I relaxed back onto the sand until we were lying there, side by side, her head resting on my shoulder, and her arm splayed across my chest. Matching my breath to hers, I wrapped my arm around her and felt as though all was right with the world.

  ‘There is one thing you should know…’ I said, placing a kiss into her hair. I felt her stiffen, as though unsure of what I might say next.

  ‘Uh-huh?’ She tilted her head so she could see me.

  ‘I have no intention of failing at another engagement.’

  Her eyes narrowed. ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘I’m saying, I don’t want to mess around. This will be a short engagement with a wedding date which we’re not cancelling. We should start to plan the wedding straight away.’

  She relaxed back, snuffling her face into my shirt as though hiding a smile. ‘Huh.’

  ‘Do you still have your ring?’

  She sat up, pushing her hair away from her neck to pull out a long necklace I’d seen her wear tucked into her shirt from time to time. At the end of it was the ring. ‘I almost threw it in the sea at one point. And I considered pawning it.’ She pulled the chain over her head and gave me a wry smile. ‘Couldn’t do it, though.’

  I nodded. ‘Do you still want to wear it, or should we get a different one?’

  ‘I don’t want a different one.’ She frowned as she undid the necklace and pulled the ring off. ‘I kept it to remind myself of how hopeful I was back then, and how I shouldn’t have trusted you, and how I shouldn’t trust anyone again.’

  I snorted. ‘Then maybe a different one would be a good idea?’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Now it reminds me that though we have ups and downs, I can trust that God’s love covers us. Besides, it’s a beautiful ring.’

  I took the ring from her and put it back on her finger. ‘Then let it also remind you that I will always love you. And for as long as I have life in my body, I want that life to be intertwined with yours.’ Pulling her hand close, I kissed her palm.

  Her eyes glimmered with hope and love. ‘Okay.’ She leaned forward to meet my lips, and everything was alright with the world.

  Epilogue

  Miranda

  We sat on the beach, talking and listening and snuggling, until Portobello’s dog owners were awake and walking their dogs on the beach. I didn’t want to leave the cocoon of love we were creating, and at the same time I couldn’t wait to get on with our life together.

  When my stomach growled, Jack laughed. ‘Let’s go home and make breakfast.’ He pulled me up, threading his fingers through mine as we walked.

  Jack had walked down to the beach, so we took my car back home. There, we had eggs on toast for breakfast, before snuggling up next to each other on the couch and falling asleep. I woke up when Jack’s phone rang on the coffee table.

  ‘Let it go to voicemail,’ he muttered as he pulled me close.

  ‘It’s your mum, though.’

  ‘What time is it?’ He squinted at the phone with one eye. ‘Really? One o’clock?’

  I stretched my sore back and yawned. ‘She’s probably wondering why you’re not at lunch.’

  Though I would happily have stayed on the lumpy couch, snuggled up with Jack for the rest of the day, we ended up going to Sunday lunch at the Reid’s. We crossed the lawn and went up the stairs, Jack’s arm wrapped around my shoulders and the ring firmly back on my finger again.

  ‘Are we telling everyone now, then?’ I asked.

  ‘I think we’d struggle to keep it a secret, don’t you?’ Jack smiled as he scanned my face, stopping to peck my cheek before opening the door and pulling me inside.

  ‘Hi,’ Jack said as we walked into the dining room. ‘Sorry we’re late.’

  Five pairs of eyes looked up from where they were dishing out food, and I smiled shyly. I still felt uncomfortable coming to lunch. John nodded and went back to his conversation with Michael. Nick and Julia were making eyes at each other, but Sophia gave us a once over through narrowed eyes, and a questioning smile as she saw our joined hands.

  ‘That’s okay, dear.’ Karen looked up from where she was dishing up beef stew onto someone’s plate. ‘Oh good, Miranda. I wasn’t sure if you were coming, but I made you a veggie stew just in case. It’s still in the kitchen, I’ll ju
st get it now.’

  Jack sat down and pulled out a chair for me next to him.

  ‘Ah, thank you. It’s okay, I’ll get it,’ I said, and turned to the kitchen instead of sitting down. I took a deep breath, to settle the nervous feeling I had going on, and went to find my food. When I came back, I sat down next to Jack, and he took my hand under the table. I smiled at him before looking down to find my fork.

  ‘How’s it going?’ Sophia raised her eyebrow at me.

  I cleared my throat and avoided her eyes. ‘Fine. You alright?’ I pulled at my hand, but Jack wouldn’t let go, squeezing it gently and stroking his thumb across my ring and knuckles. Giving up on the idea of getting my hand back, I started eating my food with my right hand only.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ She smiled at me. ‘Fine.’

  I nodded. ‘Good.’ Biting my lip, I tried to hide my smile, but it was futile. The happiness in my heart had to express itself on my face and wouldn’t let me hide it. Not even a little bit.

  Sophia’s smile widened, and soon we were laughing out loud.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Julia asked.

  Jack bit his cheek. ‘Yeah Mir, what’s so funny?’

  I shook my head and turned my face toward Jack to hide it from everyone’s eyes. ‘Nothing.’

  Jack smiled and let go of my hand, wrapping his arm around me and giving my head a soft kiss. ‘I asked Miranda to marry me this morning, and she said yes.’

  I breathed him in, before turning back to everyone. They were smiling and cheering, and Karen held her hands to her mouth as though stopping her internal squeal of glee from escaping.

  ‘Are you for real?’ Julia stood up, her chair falling on the floor behind her as she ran to me, pulling me out of my seat to hug me. She squealed and jumped up and down as she found the ring on my hand and held it up for everyone to see.

  All the years of feeling unsure of where things stood, all the years of feeling uncomfortable as the ex-fiancée of the son in the family, all the years of wishing for something that couldn’t be real. They all fell away as we were embraced and congratulated by everyone.