Will to Live

by Rachel Amphlett

  ‘What was your relationship like with Nathan?’

  ‘Oh, we had our ups and downs – like any family, I suppose. Everyone expects us to say that because he was depressed, he was difficult to live with. It couldn’t be more different. He was prescribed some new medication about six weeks before he was killed by that train. Of course, it took about four weeks before the drug started to work, but he had turned a corner and we’d really noticed a difference in his demeanour. He started talking about finding work again, perhaps as a bus driver because they were advertising for casual staff at the time.’

  ‘I know this is probably painful to revisit, but can you take me back to the events of that day?’

  Rose leaned forward and wrapped her fingers around her tea mug, despite the fact the hot surface must have been burning her skin.

  ‘Derek was on an overnight trip to Poland and wasn’t due back until that night. I’d left for work as usual. Thank goodness we had said goodbye properly,’ she said, and used the heel of her hand to wipe her eyes. ‘As I was leaving, Nathan told me that he was planning to walk to the newsagents to pick up a copy of that week’s newspaper – they always have the jobs in there on a Friday, and he wanted to see if there were some different ones to those he’d found by searching online. Sometimes I have to work late, especially if we’ve got a court case coming up. There’s always so much to do, organising all the paperwork and making sure experts have everything they need before the date.’

  Kay waited patiently, letting the woman tell her story at her own pace.

  ‘I suppose it was about five forty-five in the afternoon. I’d heard from our receptionist that the trains had been delayed. Her fiancé works in the city and had phoned her to tell her he was going to be late home. I didn’t think anything of it. There were four of us working in the office at the time, and I remember standing at the photocopier when one of them came over to me and told me that the police were in reception and wanted to see me. They took me into the little meeting room in a corner of the office, and told me Nathan had lain down across the tracks. The train driver didn’t see him in time—’

  She broke off as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  Kay reached into her bag to pull out a packet of paper tissues, and passed them across the kitchen table to her. ‘I’m sorry, Mrs Cox. I have to ask these questions.’

  ‘I know.’ Rose sniffed, wiped at her eyes, and then held the bunched-up tissue in her fist. ‘I kept wondering whether I missed something. Like I said, we had no idea he was still struggling to cope.’

  Derek placed his hand on his wife’s arm before turning to Kay. ‘I wondered at the time whether he had stopped taking the antidepressants for some reason. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I thought that he reckoned he could manage without them.’

  ‘Do you know if he had stopped taking them?’

  ‘I’m not sure,’ said Derek. ‘He used to take them when he had breakfast in the morning and often we were already out of the house by then. They were really strong. He only had to take them once a day.’

  ‘That’s the thing,’ said Rose. ‘Nathan never gave us any indication that his depression was so bad that he’d considered suicide. His medication was working, and he was starting to get out and socialise with some of his old friends again.’

  ‘Do you have a note of those friends?’ said Kay. ‘We’d like to talk to them as well, to see if maybe they can help us with our enquiries.’

  ‘Of course. Hang on.’

  Kay waited while Rose stood up and moved across to a set of drawers under the microwave. She pulled each of them out and rummaged through the contents, until she found what she was looking for.

  ‘Here you go. This was Nathan’s mobile phone. I couldn’t bear to throw it out for some reason. You’ll need this charger. I think all his contacts are still saved in there.’

  Kay took the mobile charger and phone from her. ‘That’s great, thank you very much. I’ll make sure this is returned to you as soon as possible.’

  Rose nodded, and sat back down before dabbing at her eyes once more. ‘The sad thing is, some days I’m so angry that he left us that way, and on others I can’t remember what his face looked like.’

  Twenty-Nine

  Kay found that she could only sing along to the radio in the car if no one else was in the vehicle with her, which was why she was belting out the chorus to an old eighties hit by The Cult when she turned into her street.

  The words dried up as she drew level with her house, her elderly neighbour glaring at her in the beam from the car headlights. She turned down the volume and nodded to the man before swinging the car in past the gate posts and onto the driveway. Turning off the ignition, she frowned.

  Holly was barking from inside the house, and Adam’s car was nowhere to be seen.

  She climbed from behind the wheel as the neighbour approached her.

  ‘Hi, Kevin.’

  ‘That bloody dog has been barking nonstop for the past fifteen minutes,’ he snapped. ‘I can’t hear my television!’

  Kay spun round to face the house. Lights shone from the downstairs windows, but the curtains had been drawn.

  From the direction and timbre of the barking, Holly had been shut in the kitchen.

  Then she saw a chink of light shining around the front door. It had been left open, the latch hanging at an unusual angle.

  She reached into the car and withdrew the telescopic baton she kept under the driver’s seat.

  ‘Go back to your house, Kevin. And dial triple nine.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Do it. Now.’

  She closed the car door, and stomped across the driveway towards the front door, extending the baton and raising it to shoulder height.

  She paused on the threshold, trying to calm her breathing, then assessed the situation once more.

  Adam’s car was gone; it was likely he’d shut Holly in the kitchen before going out, same as they’d done the past three nights before going to bed. On those occasions, Holly had never barked – Adam had made sure she’d settled on her bed, given her a pat on her enormous head and had closed the door behind him, safe in the knowledge that the baby monitor he’d set up next to her would alert him if the puppies were on their way.

  The dog had never barked the entire time she’d been staying with them.

  And the latch had definitely been smashed away from the front door with a heavy blunt instrument. Splinters of wood littered the doorstep, and the matching brass fitting hung from the doorframe.

  Kay strained her ears to try and listen between Holly’s barking, but she couldn’t make out if the intruder was still in the house.

  She edged along the hallway to the living area and peered around the door. The room was empty, but her heart sank at the sight of all their books, CDs, and films strewn across the carpet. The coffee table had been upended and lay on its side in front of the television, which had received a heavy blow to the middle of the screen. She emitted a shaking breath and then made her way upstairs.

  Although the landing was well lit, all the bedroom lights were off. She snaked her hand around the door frame to the main bedroom until she found the light switch and held her breath, wondering what damage had been done.

  The wardrobes had been emptied, the floor covered in clothing that appeared to have been stomped on. Her jewellery box had been discovered, but at first glance she couldn’t tell if anything of value had been taken. The contents had been thrown across the room and scattered in all directions.

  She gulped at the sight of her underwear flung over the bed, and resolved to throw all of it away as soon as possible. The en suite was empty, and as she made her way through the rooms it became apparent that whoever had done this to their house was no longer there.

  At the sounds of sirens approaching, she made her way back downstairs and met two uniformed officers at the door. She recognised the older of the two, whose face broke into one of relief when he saw her.

  ‘Hello,
Norris. Whoever it was, we’ve missed them.’

  ‘You should have waited for us, Kay. Where’s Adam?’

  ‘I don’t know. Do you want to take a look around while I go and sort the dog out?’

  Without waiting for his response, she made her way back through to the kitchen, opening the door while calling Holly’s name.

  The big dog launched herself at Kay and covered her hands in big wet licks. Kay ran her hands over her, but couldn’t see that she was any worse for wear. She’d let Adam conduct a thorough examination on his return.

  The sound of another car braking into a sudden standstill outside caught her attention, and she persuaded Holly to return to her bed.

  ‘Kay? Are you alright?’

  Carys appeared at the kitchen door, concern etched across her face.

  ‘I’m fine. They’d gone by the time I got here.’

  ‘I was on the way home when I heard the call go out. I recognised your address.’ The detective constable looked over her shoulder at the two uniformed officers who had pulled on protective gloves and were now beginning to dust the smashed lock doorframe for fingerprints. ‘What did they take?’

  ‘I haven’t had a chance to take a look yet. I was trying to get the dog to stop barking.’

  ‘Adam’s latest project?’

  ‘Yeah. Puppies are due any day.’

  They both turned as raised voices filtered through from the hallway, and Kay made her way out to the front door.

  Adam stood on the threshold next to one of the uniformed officers, his face white.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘We got burgled.’

  ‘Holly?’

  ‘She’s fine – they left her in the kitchen. I’ve made a huge fuss of her, and she’s calm now. Barking her head off when I got here.’

  ‘I only left half an hour ago,’ he said, his face distraught. ‘We needed stuff from the supermarket. I thought I pulled the door shut properly.’

  ‘You did. Whoever it was smashed the front door lock and forced their way in.’

  Another car pulled up to the kerb, the driver killing the engine before launching himself from the vehicle.

  Sharp shielded his eyes from the glare of the headlights from the uniformed car and hurried through the door. ‘Are you both okay?’

  ‘Hi, yes. We were both out when it happened.’ Kay frowned. ‘I must’ve missed them by minutes, though.’

  Sharp craned his neck until he could see over Kay’s head and into the kitchen, as if he’d only then become aware of Carys’s presence. ‘Miles – I presume you heard it on the radio, too?’

  ‘Yes, guv.’

  ‘Alright, well if you’re going to hang around for a while, I’ll be off. Do you two need anything?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ said Kay. She reached out for Adam’s hand. Colour was beginning to return to his face, and he’d finished checking Holly over.

  ‘Just a bit of a shock to be honest, Devon,’ he said.

  ‘It always is. Right, well, I’ll let this lot get on with dusting for fingerprints. Get a locksmith over. You’ll be able to claim it on your insurance I presume?’

  ‘I expect so.’

  ‘Alright, well Carys here can help you make a list of anything that’s been taken.’ He turned, before he stopped and peered over his shoulder at Kay. ‘Listen, why don’t you come in a bit later tomorrow? Get yourself sorted out here first?’

  ‘Thanks, guv. Appreciate it.’

  He nodded, before hurrying back towards his car.

  Carys turned to Kay at the sound of the engine starting. ‘If you want, I can give you a hand upstairs while Adam keeps Holly company and sorts out downstairs.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ said Adam. He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I mean, that’d be great, but if you have to be somewhere—’

  Carys smiled. ‘I don’t, and we’ll get it done faster if we split it like this, won’t we? You two will still be trying to sort it all out in the early hours of the morning otherwise. I only have a decrepit gerbil at home who’s on his last legs and smells of pee, so I don’t mind spending a bit of time here helping you get things straightened out.’

  Adam grinned. ‘That’s kind of you. In return, bring the old guy in to see me at the end of next week when I’m back at work. I’ll give him a check over for you.’

  ‘Deal.’

  Thirty

  ‘Okay, let’s see what they’ve taken,’ said Kay, and led Carys through the hallway and up the stairs.

  They checked the main bedroom and bathroom first. The duvet had been ripped with a sharp instrument – Kay suspected the same as what had been used to break the front door lock – and goose feathers littered the carpet.

  ‘Looks like they made off in a hurry,’ said Carys, her eyes travelling over the mess.

  ‘I must’ve disturbed them when I pulled into the driveway.’

  Kay moved to the doorway to the spare bedroom she’d been using as an office, and gasped.

  She brought a shaking hand to her mouth.

  The computer had been smashed to pieces, a gaping hole in the middle of the monitor where the screen had been shattered by the impact of something heavy hitting it. There was nothing left of the hard drive – that lay in tiny pieces, the edges catching the light from the spotlights set into the ceiling.

  Worse, the boxes of baby clothes that she and Adam had so meticulously packed away and stored behind the door to deal with when they could face the task had been upended, the pink-coloured clothing tossed into the corners of the room while a blue soft toy rabbit lay in the middle of the floor, its innards tumbling from its stomach, bits of fluff covering the plastic mat under the office chair.

  A gasp reached her ears, and she turned to see Carys leaning against the doorframe, tears in her eyes as she surveyed the damage.

  ‘What sort of person would do this?’

  ‘I don’t know. I guess it could happen to anyone, right?’

  She turned in time to see the younger woman’s eyes fall to the baby toys and clothing.

  ‘Oh, when?’

  ‘Never, not now. Listen, Carys. No one knows, okay? Not even my own family. Adam and I didn’t tell anyone.’

  Carys’s brow creased before she laid a hand on Kay’s arm. ‘I don’t do office gossip,’ she said. ‘Never have. Hate it, in fact.’

  ‘I know, sorry. I didn’t mean—’

  ‘Yes, you did. It’s okay. If you ever need someone to talk to, say so.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘Right.’ Carys turned in the middle of the room. ‘Where do you want me to start?’

  ‘I think I’d like to tidy this all away. Do you mind making a start on the guest room?’

  ‘I’m on to it.’

  An hour later, Kay had re-boxed all the baby clothes away and placed the rabbit and its stuffing on the desk. She’d never been keen at sewing, but she swore she’d make an extra effort to return the toy to its former glory.

  She’d moved from the unfinished office to the main bedroom, and took the opportunity to put clothes to one side that she should’ve taken to the charity shop months ago, and sorting the rest into piles of laundry that Adam would deal with over the course of the next few days.

  Adam met them at the bottom of the stairs two hours later, a bottle of wine in his hands.

  ‘This is for you,’ he said to Carys. ‘And when Kay tells me this latest investigation is over and you have time, come over and have dinner with us.’

  ‘Oh, you don’t have to do that.’

  ‘We insist,’ said Kay. ‘And don’t forget to take the gerbil to see Adam for his medical check-up.’

  Carys grinned. ‘I won’t. Although he’s almost a fossil now, you know.’

  Kay waited with Adam at the front door while Carys got into her car, and waved her off as a van pulled up, a locksmith’s logo emblazoned down the side.

  ‘I’ll let you sort him out. I’m going to finish upstairs,’ she said.

  She stood on t
he threshold of the office once more and hugged her arms around her stomach, her thoughts churning. She heard movement at the top of the stairs, and then Adam’s arms wrapped around her waist and he rested his chin on her shoulder.

  ‘Can we salvage any of it?’

  She flapped her hand at the boxes of baby clothing. ‘I think so. They haven’t done anything with this lot except throw it around the room. I can sew the rabbit back together.’ She sniffed. ‘He might be a bit lopsided though.’

  He nuzzled her hair. ‘You always make a joke out of things. It’s okay to be upset.’

  ‘I can’t go there. If I don’t hold this together, I’ll probably fall apart.’

  He kissed her. ‘What did they get?’

  She wiped at her eyes and reached into the pocket of her suit trousers, extracting a bright green USB stick. ‘Nothing. Everything is on here.’

  She turned in his arms.

  ‘You were expecting something like this to happen, weren’t you?’

  ‘Not like this, no. But I—’

  ‘What on earth did you do?’

  ‘I logged into the database yesterday after everyone had gone home following the briefing.’

  Adam’s eyes flickered over her head to the trashed office. He swallowed. ‘What did you find?’

  ‘I’m not sure yet.’ She held up her hand to stop him interrupting. ‘Just a name. It might be nothing.’

  ‘Might be nothing? Have you seen what they’ve done to our house?’

  A shaking sigh passed her lips.

  ‘Come here,’ he said, pulling her to him. He smoothed her hair. ‘I’m sorry. I know this was my idea. I just didn’t think – I didn’t know it would be like this.’

  ‘Nor did I,’ she mumbled into his chest.

  ‘Whose name was it?’

  She shook her head. ‘Let me rule it out first. I don’t want to cast suspicion on anyone until I’ve checked it out.’ She raised her head and ran her hands down his arms. ‘How’s Holly?’

  ‘Calmer. I’ve been round and apologised to Kevin. He’s fine – a bit upset he had a go at you, in the circumstances.’