Totem

  “Are there more of you?” I ask

  Ty shakes his head yes.

  “How many are there?”

  “Three,” replies Ty. “There are supposed to be three of us at any given time, but currently there is just one… me – but that is not information that you really need to know. The less you know, the safer you will be. Like I said last night, a vampire has already locked onto you as a target. He follows you because I killed his maker saving your life the first night. He will not stop stalking you until he has ended you or me. It is no longer safe for you. They can and will use you to try to get to me every single time. As long as they know how much you mean to me, then you are in danger.”

  My heart stops and then beats faster all at the same time. At this rate, I am set to have a heart attack before I turn twenty. Ty hears it. I know he can. He told me so last night. Why would I be in danger? On top of all that, why did Ty even start dating me? This could have all been resolved if he would have just left me alone. This could have been over before it began. Why did he make me like him?

  “Listen,-“

  “Listen what?!” I yell. “Listen to all the reasons you have why you are wrong for me?!”

  “Well, yea” Ty replies. “I mean- no-“

  “What?! Tell me what? I thought you clarified it well last night! Is it what your people want is for us to break up? So do you typically go around and get young women to date you and then break up with them when they find out what you are, or am I the first?”

  “You are the first.”

  “Well aren’t I special?!” I know my voice is escalating. The speed of my words is faster and I am beginning to sound crazy, but I can’t help it. He shouldn’t have grabbed my wrist. I would have been running off all this aggression if he had just listened. “You should have just chalked me up to another unknown girl that you see in one of your college classes. You could have saved my life the first night and then handed me over to Andrew to take home. You could have stopped this before it even started, but you didn’t.”

  “I know.” Ty begins. “It was wrong of me, but I could not NOT get closer to you. I could not stay away from you.”

  “Explain,” I retort.

  Ty’s face begins to crease. He is conflicted. Agony rises up across his beautiful guise. Had my mood been better, I would have been moved to reach out and touch him, but I remain still in my emotions resolved to stay strong. I use my anger for fuel.

  “I can’t. I don’t understand why… I just can’t,” Ty looks away. The pain of it all shoots across his face. “But this has to stop now. Otherwise you will end up hurt or worse. This has to stop. You need to get away from me. It is the only way for you to be safe.”

  In front of me stands a burning man. Something draws him to me and I understand all too well from my own need to be near him, but it does not excuse the bitterness of his words nor the pain of his actions. I am fuming. If that’s how he feels and wants to pretend like the past two months meant nothing to him, then obviously it shouldn’t mean anything to me. I should just let my emotions go away. In fact, I should do what I originally came out of my room to do and that is run. I should run away from all of this.

  “Good. Then I’ll just go away.”

  With those final words, I turn on the heels of my feet and bolt down the stairs with Ty calling behind me. I am lucky to be in my running gear. It makes it even easier to literally run away. I run down the stairs and out the sliding glass door. I put my ear buds in and turn to my running mix before I even hit the sidewalk. I hear him calling my name, but if he can run away from his “problems”, then I can too.

  So I run. I take off with all the determination to move as far away from him as possible running faster and faster with each new step. I know my efforts are futile. Ty can easily catch me with very little effort. Anger builds up inside of me converting to fuel. Fuel I use to propel forward with each pounding step on the pavement.

  I did not have to look back to know that he is following me. He can’t let go. Something inside of us draws us together. No matter how dangerous we are to each other. I know he will be right behind me running, matching every one of my steps. Not that I can hear his steps. They are silent even without my head phones in, of course. He is a built predator. Ty’s foot falls are touched by the very hands of the gods silencing them with the environment around him. He is designed to be silent and each step sounds lower than a child’s whisper. I quickly cross the street and make a sharp cut left.

  I see him out of the corner of my eye. He wants me to see him. That’s why he is there in that particular spot. He wants me to know that he is still following me; that it is not over. I wish that it really isn’t over. I take a deep breath.

  Fine, I think as the sweat trickles down my eyebrow. If he wants to talk, we will talk.

  I speed up almost into a dead sprint. I know I cannot keep up this pace long, but I want to go somewhere where I know we will be alone. I want to talk to him and only him with no interruptions from friends, my roommate, or any random passerby.

  I cross another street and run off the sidewalk on to the grass. Quickly I pass through a black iron gate and run through the field. Even over music, I can hear the waves lightly licking against the barrier wall of Lake Pontchartrain, but still no footsteps from Ty. For him, running is effortless.

  If only I can be what he is then this would never be happening. The two of us being together would never be a problem.

  I stop running just before the sandy beaches. My heart is pounding rapidly in my chest from the four-hundred meter sprint to the beach.

  There I stand staring out into the bluish brown water of the massive lake, sweat dripping down my face. My chest heaves up and down. I take out one of my ear buds so I can listen to the birds. Ty kicks some of the grass behind me. It is a calculated move to let me know he is there. I wait for myself to regain my composure. Then, I turn around and face him.

  “Well?” is the only thing that I say. Any other words will give me away. I secretly curse my weakness. I can work out and do all the exercises to make my body strong, but I can never completely strengthen my emotions. Now, I am holding on to everything inside of me. I am fighting back the tears one deep breath at a time. I wish I could be more composed, but the mass of emotions courses through me like electricity.

  Ty does not speak for a long time. He stands there staring at me. His face is so unreadable, but his eyes…His eyes search mine compellingly; hopefully.

  “Your eyes,” he begins. “They are so… vividly blue.”

  I know exactly what Ty is doing. He is trying to break the tension. He is trying to make me smile. I roll my “vividly blue” eyes at him. Then turn and walk on the beach. He follows.

  “That’s all you have to say to me?” I say staring forward as I walk. I see him out of the corner of my eye.

  “No.” Ty replies as he begins walking by my side.

  We walk together for a while, two people torn apart but somehow so desperately needing each other. I wait for words that never come. There are so many things that I want to say, but I can’t form a sentence. There are even more things that I wish he will say to me, but nothing comes. So we walk in silence, me scared to talk, and listening to the sound of Lake Pontchartrain in the morning and him right beside me. I love being beside Ty. Sure, New Orleans is warm, but all the warmth I ever need radiates from him. He is my comfort.

  Half way down the beach, Ty takes my hand in his and doesn’t let go. I fight back more tears. It is bitter sweet. It is sweet because his touch is exactly what I want in that moment. His touch is exactly what I want for the rest of my life. Bitter in the fact that it will hurt even more when he finally accomplishes pushing me away like he is supposed to do.

  We reach the end of the small beach and turn to walk it the whole way back to campus. I look down the sandy shoreline at the distant place that will be the end of our journey. Sadness and realization washes over me. I do not want this walk to end. I never want this walk to
end. In my time of need, Ty came to my rescue. He saved me from the vampires. He became my light, my flame. Like the men that hold the flambeaux lights in the parades, Ty is mine. He is the light in my life. I did not want the light to fade or go away for I am the pathetic moth attracted to the always wavering flame. So I do the only thing I can think of to never reach the end of that beach. I stop.

  Ty looks at me and for the first time since the beginning of our walk. I look into his eyes. His light chocolate brown eyes stare at me inquisitively. I am frozen in place. All I can do or be at this very moment is lost in his eyes. Neither one of us speak. The gentle sound of the water caressing the beach is all I hear. I know Ty hears things differently. He can hear my heart. He hears me breathing.

  “I don’t want this walk to end.” I blurt out. Teardrops well up in my eyes.

  Ty looks at me and then looks down at the end of the beach.

  He sighs.

  “It has to end.”

  I feel that hard lump in my throat begin to rise up.

  “Who says?” I ask as I restrain the quiver in my voice. “We can run away. We can leave this place.”

  He looks at me and smiles. His russet colored skin looks so beautiful in the morning light.

  “We have been over this.” He says as he gives my hand a light squeeze. “I gave up my right to belong to myself. I belong to my people.”

  The words come out of his mouth, but his eyes…his eyes tell another story. There is pain in his eyes. There is a sadness that extends further than I can comprehend. I have only seen this type of pain in the eyes of my grandfather at my grandmother’s funeral. It was as if the love of your life had slipped away. My grandfather was lucky though to spend all those many years with his love. My time seems over before it even begins. Ty turns his gaze away from mine. My heart begins to race. I know he hears it.

  “What is it that you want?” I ask in a quiet voice.

  “I want you to be happy-”

  “No,” I interrupt. “What is it that YOU want? Not what you want for me, for your people, or for anybody else. If you can to choose one thing that you want more than anything in the world, the one thing that will make you happy, what would it be?”

  Ty is taken by surprise. I do not think he was ever asked this question or if he was, it was a long, long time ago before he gave up his wants and needs for others.

  “It’s complicated…It doesn’t matter what I want.”

  “It matters to me.” I state, “It will always be complicated. Even if you were a normal person, it would be complicated.”

  He looks down into my eyes. He lets go of my hand raising both of his hands up to my face. Gently his fingers glide across the contours of my jaw and settle behind my ears. He cups my head with his hands as he searches every inch of my face with his eyes. He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. Instead of pulling away after the kiss, he lingers. Warmth radiates off his skin and onto my cheek. I feel the little hairs that I could not put in a ponytail waver by my ear as he exhales each light breathe.

  “Have you ever seen a light house at night?” Ty whispers in my ear.

  I am glad he is so close to me and cannot see the surprise on my face. I did not know where that question came from or where Ty is taking it.

  “No.” I whisper as our closeness causes a tingling sensation to form down my spine.

  “Here on the beach, used to be a light house.” Ty begins still whispering in my ear. “Years back, I would come out here and sit on one of the docks and watch it. It would send a bright light streaming across the lake. Back then, there weren’t as many lights in the city or by the lake. So everything that the light touched would become as clear as day. That light house’s whole purpose was to act as a beacon. It was a guiding light. It showed the sailors where the shore was. It’s silly to think New Orleans needed one. Maybe they didn’t, but they wanted it. The energy in the light house produced light that showed the way for whom ever needed it.”

  Keeping his hand gently clasped to my face across my jaw line, Ty pulls his head away and looks into my eyes.

  “Before you,” Ty begins again. “My days were as black as my nights. It was a constant darkness with no beginning and no end. The only thing I saw was the singular purpose I am meant to have. So I patrolled and guarded the world helping others both near and far. It was a fog that controlled where my aimless wanderings went in life. I could not see the shore or where I was going and why I was on this journey. I had lost the energy and spark that I knew existed inside me.”

  Then Ty leans in again and gives me another kiss. This time, he kisses my lips. At this one gesture, I lose all control of my eyes. Tears stream down my face as the sweetest kiss I can ever receive lingers on my lips. Ty stops kissing me, but his lips stay, slightly, gently caressing my lips.

  “You are the light from the light house. You are my beacon.” He whispers to me. “No longer are my days black. You fill them up with light. If I could stay in your light, I would for the rest of my life.”

  Then he kisses me again.

  The tears streaming down my face form small endless rivers. This time, I return what is to be another one of the sweetest kisses I have ever received. My hands lift up and find his neck. I hug him so tight for fear that this is our last embrace and he will be gone any second. Slowly, I melt into him as he releases me from his kiss. His eyes meet mine.

  “Then never step out of the light.” I whisper back to him.

  Ty lifts a hand to wipe away the tears. Defiantly, I move my head away from his hand. I want to feel the tears falling down my face. As much as it all hurts, I want to feel everything. Most importantly, I just want to feel. For in this moment are the most beautiful words anyone has ever spoken to me. I want every emotion and every sense etched into my memory forever a part of my history. The thought of being so close to love yet forced apart hurts. Even the exquisite pain in my chest is something to take note of. The needs of the both of us are finally revealed and I cannot help but to let out a little laugh through the streaming tears. Ty looks down at me inquisitively.

  “For a time,” I begin. “All I could think about was you. All I wanted was you. So I am asking you one more time Ty. What is it that you want?”

  Ty looks down at my lips and draws me into his chest for a hug.

  “What I want… is you.”

  “And I you.” I state desperately into his chest.

  “But it can’t be.”

  Emptiness begins to fill me as the little glint of hope dies down.

  “What if we go in front of the elders?”

  “It won’t work. This is a different issue all together.”

  “You made it work for college right?” I ask.

  “True, but this is a whole different story. This is…” He can’t finish his sentence.

  His thick arms hold me tight and I mold into him. No words are spoken. No movements are made. There we stand melted together, our arms embracing each other. Whether we meant to or not, I know we reached a different level. All the things that are pulling us apart make me hold onto him even stronger. I know I want him more.

  If he feels even the slightest bit the way I feel, then it is something worth holding on to. It is something worth fighting for. It is something worth standing for. I have never felt this way before and I do not know if I will ever feel this way again. So I hold on. I hold on tight because I am not going to be the one to let go.

  Then, the sweetest words that he could have spoken come fluttering from his lips and into every fiber of my being warming each chamber of my heart and soul. The words are so simple yet so right that it makes me stand there forever with him.

  “You are my light.”

  Chapter 14: The end and a beginning

  I stare blankly at the notes in front of me, my mind fights to remember that day on the beach. Four weeks have passed since then. It is a miniscule amount of time in the grand scheme of life but it seems like forever to me. I went home for Thanksgiving break. Seeing the
family was wonderful. Next was preparation for finals and the last few weeks of class; classes that were painfully absent of Ty. My life is absent of him. All that is left to do now is focus on the fleeting last few days of my first semester in college. However, I hold on to the memory of his passionate kiss upon my lips. I relive his touch as he held my face in his hands and I desperately will my nose to catch the scent of his skin. It is a smell so raw and so animalistic. It is a smell I crave more fragrant to me than any perfume in the world. I wipe the thought from my mind trying to find the will to continue studying.

  I have my last final tomorrow and it is the class I have been fighting so hard in to get an A. I read the notes a million times but my brain refuses to let the information sink in. I am mentally and physically exhausted. Behind me comes the light humming of Michelle as she busies herself with packing for winter break. Her last final was earlier today leaving her free to pursue whatever she wants in her free time. I cannot be more jealous of her.

  “Make sure you throw all your food out of your fridge. Otherwise we will come back to a stinky room.” She comments as she opens up her own and begins throwing things into the trash.

  “Will do,” I reply. I let out one big sigh before closing my notebook and standing up.

  Michelle gives me a big smile.

  “Everything ok?” She asks.

  I nod my head and smile back. Michelle has been extra nice to me ever since I came back from my jog and unwanted talk with Ty on the beach. I know my mood has changed, but I cannot help it. Ty left our relationship with so many unanswered questions that it plagues me. It would have been easier if it were over. It would have been hard at first, but the finality of our relationship would have meant closure.

  Of course, Ty saying yes and staying in the relationship would have been the perfect answer. I would be where I wanted to be. I would have what I wanted and I would know that Ty felt the same, but life is not as black and white as people have you believe. I know Ty wants me. I know that I mean something to him, but it is not his decision as to how much. He forfeited that when he decided to accept the gifts he was given. Perhaps in some way, it is a curse. In order to ensure that others are entitled to freedom means your rights to those same freedoms are briefly taken away. His gifts do not come without a price, but it is a price that I can never ask him to give up not even for me. Sure, I would have Ty, but it would be selfish. What toll would my happiness take on others? How could I live with myself if it meant others would die?