Totem

  My brain grasps to make sense of the reasons why Ty is so absent from my life. My mind hopes to find solace knowing that maybe it is meant to be. However, a bigger part of me wants closure. Two different scenarios haunt my mind. I want either the death of a relationship, or the revitalization of a stronger bond with a man I can possibly one day love. Having no closure without any answers is the worst spot to be in. To my struggling mind, it is unacceptable and the passage of time is too brief to dull the ache caused by Ty. I pull myself back into the present to see Michelle’s smile. Concern etches her eyes. I know I must speak.

  “So do you still plan on leaving tonight?” I ask.

  “Yeah, the drive to Houston is only five hours. Daniel wants to have dinner first then I am going to head out after that. Do you want to come to dinner with us?”

  In my brief time of misery, Michelle has found her relationship with Daniel blossoming. Daniel has given Michelle the exclusivity she wants. The outcome is an even happier Michelle who settled quite nicely into the role of supportive girlfriend. This whole week has been cute yet painful to watch as both try to out-do each other with surprise study gifts. Michelle brought Daniel good morning muffins while Daniel bought her study junk food. They even had study nights. I am happy for Michelle. However, my emotions are invested in my own personal love life and do not really reflect as strongly as they should for my friend’s new found relationship.

  “No, I’ll let you two have your dinner together.” I reply. “I am so glad everything is working out with Daniel. You seem very happy.”

  “I am,” Michelle responds with another big smile. Her smile shifts into concern as she changes topics. “Any word from Ty yet?”

  I told Michelle (in edited form) about our conversation on the beach. Michelle listened intently and was supportive, but there is only so much she can do when not given all of the information. Ty’s secret is not mine to reveal. So I hold on to it giving only as much detail as I can without revealing more.

  “Still no word yet,” I reply feeling the sting of tears behind my eyes.

  “Eh, screw him.” Michelle comments in her kick ass woman routine.

  I laugh giving her a genuine smile.

  “I think I am going to take a break from studying and go for a walk around campus. Let all the information set in.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, I just need to step away for a while and let the information sink in. I’ll be back in a few.”

  I grab my keys and cellphone from the desk as I walk out the door. The halls are empty. Students have either left already or are busy cramming for the last finals of the week. I open the door to the stairs. Looking down, I just as easily decide to go up. I want a moment to be alone and the only spot I know to go was all the way to the top where the stairs dead end at a locked door to the roof. Very rarely do people descend the stairs from the eighth floor. Nor is there a reason to go one more stair case up with no exit point. It is a place where I can be alone to think.

  There I sit on the rusted steps leading to the roof. The sunlight streams through the cracks of the door contrasting the harsh lights of the fluorescent bulbs on the stairs. There I sit in silence feeling the weight of my problems resting on my shoulders threatening to crush me. I sit contemplating everything. As always, my thoughts flow to Ty.

  I knew I wanted to be his from the first moment our eyes met. It was as if some unseen power drew us to each other. Then the weight of the knowledge Ty has given me caused my breath to hitch in my throat. One thing is for certain, I can never go back to seeing the world through rose colored glasses like I have done for so long. My eyes have been unmasked to the truth of what the world really looks like and it is darkly layered with more depths than I could have ever imagined. My world changed when I watched him morph into an eagle. My beliefs faltered as he showed me the animals he can become. It would be smart of me to suppress this knowledge and walk away. It would be safer to leave it all behind but going forward also meant leaving Ty behind. Was that something I was willing to do? More importantly was Ty going to give me that chance or was his absence the answer that everything is really over?

  Tears well up and trickle down my face as anger rises in me. I should walk away from this whole situation and live life normally. My mind is being rational, but my heart…oh my heart. Damn my heart! I hug my body hoping to keep my insides from unraveling any further, but the damage is done. Slowly I unfurl as the rational side of me breaks down my heart’s desires.

  From below, I hear a door open up a few floors down. I hold my breath as the voices of two guys filter into the quiet empty corners of the descending pillar of steps. Immediately I recognize my dorm room neighbor, Andrew’s voice. The two of them are laughing and carrying on. I still my breath hoping to remain invisible as they continue their day’s activities. They are probably hopping to another floor. I just need to sit here and be quiet.

  I hear their steps on the metal stairs and realize all too late the upward direction in which they are heading. Panic sets in as I realize my delicate state. Quickly I wipe away the tears with the back of my hands. I fix my shirt and sit up a little straighter hoping to look less pathetic but it is too little too late. I see their bobbing heads as they turn the corner and continue past the eighth floor exit towards me and my secret spot.

  Andrew’s face full of smiles greets me. The second guy is the cute guy from the sixth floor that he has been crushing on all semester. They are holding hands. Immediately I regret taking this space and moment away from Andrew, but my worries alleviate as he recognizes who the intruder is in their private spot. His smile fades as he sees me. The laughter between the two of them stops.

  “The door to the roof is locked.” I state trying to make myself seem less pathetic.

  “Darn,” says Andrew. “I saw the firemen doing stair drills and was hoping they accidentally left it open.”

  “Yeah, me too,” I reply with a forced smile.

  Andrew squeezes cute boy’s hand. They look at each other and exchange adoring smiles making my unraveled heart piece back together and melt a little at the glimpse of blossoming romance.

  “Could you give us a second?” Andrew asks of the cute boy. He nods his head then leans in and kisses Andrew before walking away. “I’ll meet you back in you room in a few.” Andrew calls down to his new guy.

  With no words and a smile, Andrew hops up the last few steps taking a seat on the step below me. He is so tall that even from one step lower his shoulders almost touch mine as I hunch over resting my elbows on my knees.

  “So you’re crushing my game being up here in my private spot.” jokes Andrew.

  “YOUR private spot?” I manage a sarcastic look at Andrew.

  “Both of our roommates are here.” He shrugs. “We were looking for a private spot.’

  “Sorry for ruining your game.” I respond jokingly forcing a smile to cross my lips.

  “So what are you doing up here all alone, Miss Storm?”

  I let out a sigh. Andrew gave a perfect line to shift into all my thoughts thus helping to lighten the burden weighing me down. The problem is all my thoughts are jumbled. I sit still allowing my mind to organize everything I want to say, but finding order has failed me.

  “I just needed to be alone for a while.” I reply.

  “Yeah, we all do at times, but what is with the tears?”

  I shrug my shoulders. How do you explain that the guy you are falling in love with has magical powers given to him by some Indian people that causes him to change into multiple animals whenever he feels like it? Not only that, but these gifts were given so he could be a super hero and fight off VAMPIRES of all things. It is absurd, fantastical and will end me up in a loony bin faster than I can spell Mississippi. How do you explain that falling in love with him is dangerous for you in more ways than one? How do you explain EVERYTHING without giving away secrets? There is no way.

  “Let me guess…it has something to do with Ty.”
offers Andrew.

  I nod my head. Andrew leans his head on my shoulder and the gesture alone brings comfort to me. I begin to feel myself relax as the need for tears subsides. Just the shear touch of a caring person is comforting. Andrew sits patiently, head resting on me, waiting for an explanation.

  “I just don’t know where I stand with Ty. We have so much fun when we are together and I think I am falling for him.”

  “Honey, you have already fallen for him.” states Andrew as he lifts his head off my shoulder.

  “He could be dangerous for me. We connect so much, but I fear where it might lead.”

  I try to describe how I feel to my new listener without giving away any details. It is a hard task. Andrew looks at my face and lets out a sigh. I look down. He moves up a step so we are on the same one. Calmly and gently he places his hand on my chin forcing me to look into his eyes. His eyes were like mirrors showing my reflection back at me forcing me to look at myself through them.

  “The way I see it, Kimber, is that there are two outcomes to every relationship. You two will either be together in the end or you will be apart. Which outcome is reached is up to you.”

  “Don’t you mean that it is up to me and Ty?”

  Andrew drops his hand from my chin as he looks down at a piece of paper left alone on the steps. He picks it up and slowly begins to ball it up. I watch him contently glad that I can no longer see myself in his eyes.

  “Kimber, I have kissed a lot of frogs hoping that one of them would turn into my prince charming. I mean A-LOT.” Andrew lets out a little laugh. He smiles forcing me to smile back at him. He continues rolling the ball of paper between his finger and his thumb as he looks once more into my eyes causing me to see myself again. “I can’t pretend to know anything about guys. I have hurt just as many guys who have hurt me. Yet, I continue going forward. Each of my relationships seems to end with us separating never to really go back from the hurt we have inflicted on each other. Sometimes it is I who does the inflicting. Other times, it is them, but regardless I know the look of a man who is lost to someone. I have seen the way Ty looks at you. I watch as you unconsciously adjust and pose under his gaze.

  It’s as if you two are pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. The first time I saw the two of you together and how carefully he watches you, I knew the decision of how the relationship would turn out was not up to him. Somewhere in his mind, he has left it up to you. To me, it seems that you have never had to kiss any frogs. You are one of the lucky few who find a prince right out the gate.”

  Andrew’s words seem very true and from his heart. Although, I am sure turning into a frog is not on Ty’s totem list of accessible animals, I am sure the prince part is something he did not need to change into. To me, he is a piece of perfection that is designed for me. All his flaws in the eyes of others are little treasures that unlock his personality.

  “What if I decide yes and it still doesn’t work out?”

  Andrew shrugs and put an arm around me.

  “That’s life. It is better to have lived and known what love feels like, than to never love canceling out the reason for living. In short, guys like Ty don’t come around too often so why not try. Besides, you are already past the point of dipping a toe in. You, Miss Storm, are completely immersed.”

  It is my turn to lean on him. I let out a sigh as I think about Andrew’s words. He reasoned with my mind causing it to second guess itself in efforts to appease my heart. All I can do in this moment is keep faith in the words of a good friend.

  “How did you get so wise?”

  “My mom used to tell me I am an old soul trapped in a young body.” chuckles Andrew. “Just know one thing, Miss Storm, I will always be here to help pick up the pieces when they fall.”

  Tears begin to well up in my eyes for an all new reason as Andrew’s words move me. I quickly turn my body and wrap my arms around him.

  “Thank you.”

  My response is nothing more than a whisper as I find it hard to put into words how much Andrew means to me.

  “Anytime,” replies Andrew. “You and Michelle have become my close friends. Anything you need, just call me.”

  We sit there a while lost in each other’s warmth. It feels good to have a friend like Andrew. He does not judge me or chastise me. To him, my problems are matters of the heart. They are very much human. His job is merely just to be there. He is a true friend.

  “Now are you ready to go back down to your dorm and give me my secret make-out spot back?”

  I nod my head smiling. We stand up on the steps. I shake out the cramp that has formed in my leg while sitting. I have a lot to think about and it isn’t going to be resolved in one small talk with Andrew. We begin walking down the steps silently.

  If Andrew is right and Ty is already all in, then he would need me to push away from him if we were to be apart. I knew that it was something I was not prepared to do. If I wasn’t prepared to do it, then would the elders who were Ty’s advisors make him? My mind tumbles down the rabbit hole as we ourselves circle down the stairs. Now I need a walk more than ever. Eventually, I will be out of the solitude of the stairwell and the question still remains. Will I stay in the pool or will the water be too cold?

  I wave good bye to Andrew as I continue down the staircase set on going for a small walk. I feel much better after his pep talk but my legs need the exercise to get the blood flowing back through them after sitting on the metal stairs. For the first time in a while, I feel more like myself. I am more in control of my thoughts and able to see my strength in my decisions. The only thing looming out of control right now is my grade on tomorrow’s biology final.

  It is very simple. If I get an A on the final, I get an A in the class. If I get a B on the final, then I get a B in the class. The difference in grades wouldn’t matter in the end, but I want to try my best even if it meant stressing out until the end. I begin to review all of my notes over in my head as I open the door that leads to the lobby. My mind is focused and I figure a leisurely walk around the campus while reciting the notes I remembered will be good for me.

  “Hey, Kimber!”

  The call comes from behind the front desk in the dorm lobby. I turn to see Darryl’s smiling face. As soon as he has my attention, he points to a few roses in a vase that sit in front of him.

  “These came for you.”

  Inquisitively, I walk toward the desk. The beautiful flowers grow even more beautiful as I approach. A ribbon ties a note around the skinny neck of the vase. My hands reach out to touch the note afraid to read it in public.

  “When did the flowers arrive?”

  “Just a few minutes ago,” replies Darryl. “I was about to call up to your room and see if you were there. Good timing.”

  I look at the three flowers set in a clear glass vase then look up at Darryl. He flashes a brilliant white smile at me before answering the phone. I collect the flowers in my hand and begin to walk away from the help desk. As I leave, I mouth the words ‘thank you’ to Darryl trying not to disturb his phone call. He acknowledges me with a wave before drawing his attention back to his work.

  I take the stairs at record pace anxious to be in the comfort of my room. The note sways in reaction to my movement as I bounce up the steps. This could only be from one person. I know who it had to be and my heart begins to race. I draw out my keys from my pocket as I use my hip to open up the stair door to my hallway. Quickly I move down the hall to my dorm room pushing the keys into the dead bolt and turning them as quick as I can. I fling open the door and quickly close it behind me. The running sound of water comes from the bathroom signaling that Michelle or one of our suite mates must be in there. As Michelle’s suitcase still lies open, I can only assume that it is her. Feeling slightly relieved that I have some time alone to open the card; I sit the flowers on my desk and plop into the seat in front of them.

  I take one more deep breath then reach for the card. I open the card and before I can even read the note, I s
ee who it is signed by and my heart leaps. There in structured cursive are two letters that I crave to see more than any other. Slowly, I begin to read over the rest of the letter.

  Sorry I have been absent

  All will come to be known after the break

  Merry Christmas to my light

  Ty

  The note is simple. It was so open-ended but one thing is for sure, Andrew is correct. Ty is mine in any way he can be. It is up to me how deep I am going to be in his life. I stare at the note willing it to give me more details than it reads. The effort is useless and I am left to decide what to do on my own.

  I know the answer is simple so I send Ty a text. His note told me all will be revealed after break. I need to trust him to keep his word. I need to let him know that our relationship can continue. Most of all, I need the patience to give him the time he needs to do whatever it is so a simple text is the best I can do for him and for my own personal sanity.

  Received the flowers. They are beautiful.

  C ya after break. Merry Christmas! – Kimber

  It is sweet, simple and to the point. I sit staring at the beautiful flowers. It’s a shame that I can only enjoy them for a few days. On Saturday I will be on a plane on my way to my grandparent’s house in Pennsylvania. My family will join me as we share in Christmas with all the relatives. Then I will road trip down with my Mom, Dad, and my little sister Andrea to our house in Birmingham. There I will visit with them. There is so much for me to do and so much quality time to spend with my family that I know I can put Ty and our relationship on the back burner.