In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  For a moment, as I stood beneath the spray, I felt like a weight had been lifted, free of the restraint of the cuff, I was Jayden Lee Carter again. I felt like a man, like my own man again. I couldn’t explain, even to myself, the feelings of emasculation brought about by just the memory of that room. Something had been taken from me during my time there, but in the back of my mind, I knew that much more had been given. I couldn’t deny the pull I felt toward Ethan and his authority over my body. It took a minute to dispel the image of him standing above me as I dropped to my knees to serve him. My erection was painful now, thinking about his masterful handling. It disturbed me that I didn’t even consider masturbating in the shower. Reducing the water temperature, I wondered at how, with the utterance of three simple words of affirmation, my life had ceased to be my own.

  I stopped by the hospital so that Ethan could administer a physical exam and a series of tests for sexually transmitted diseases. He said he hated condoms, and I didn’t mind the tests. Then I spent the rest of the day preparing for the next week’s courses. Though I had midterms, I often found my mind going over and over my decision to submit to Ethan. That night, anxiety built in my chest. Ethan was about to get off a double shift at the hospital and would be home soon. Would he want me in that room? Would he act like nothing had happened? As I flipped the pages listlessly in my book, I didn’t know which I wanted more. My cock hardened, and I felt a cold sweat run down the back of my shirt. The whirlwind reached a tempest peak, and I panicked.

  I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t.

  Instead, I ran from the house. In the garage, I got on my Suzuki and screeched out of the drive. Its wheels carried me to a club that I had frequented before moving in to the new house. Mostly deserted, it gave me a sense of familiarity I’d been missing for months. As I walked to the bar, I nodded to get the bartender’s attention. A big man with large biceps under his muscle t-shirt, I found that I was not at all attracted to him. Even though he was nice looking, I had no real urge to look. I thought that in the world outside the house, my attractions, my reactions would have changed. It made the feeling of being off-balance that much worse. I didn’t understand, if I wasn’t attracted to other guys, if I wasn’t gay, then why was I so turned on by Ethan? The bartender looked at me a little longer than necessary and I found myself pulling my sleeve down over my new cuff. It felt huge on my wrist, almost like a neon sign people could look at and see what I had become. I ordered two Jack and Cokes and took them to a table in the back, away from the other patrons. Even though it wasn’t crowded for a Sunday night, it was steady.

  “Hey handsome, where’ve you been?” I looked up and saw Jennifer, one of the regulars, standing above me. Pretty in an ordinary way, her bob seemed to be growing out of its shape as it framed her mousey face. Her small hazel eyes were alight with a hungry stare. We’d hooked up once or twice in the past, and it bothered me that I wasn’t sure that she was a welcome sight. It was a casual thing, just something to fill the need. I thought maybe tonight she would get another chance. Tonight I may have something to prove to myself, but when she sat down next to me and my eyes darted around the room, she noticed my edginess.

  “Are you all right, Jayden?” She asked with concern. I looked over at her and had the same feeling as I had had regarding the bartender. I wasn’t all that attracted to her. That thought scared me more than I wanted to admit.

  I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into my lap. She squealed, but came willingly and put her arms around my neck. She giggled as she sat sideways on my legs. At first, I kissed her automatically, focusing on my body’s reactions. Then, an image came to my mind. This same girl over my lap instead of in it, her skirt pulled up and her panties down around her knees and I started to get hard as I thought about spanking her. I moaned into her kiss and felt her hand sneak down to my jeans, but before she could touch me, I grabbed her arm and pulled it behind her back. That movement pushed her breasts forward and I could see that her nipples were hard. Retrieving her other hand from the back of my head, I pulled it behind her back as well. When I captured both of her wrists in one hand, I felt powerful and in control of myself for the first time in days.

  My mouth moved from hers, and I trailed kisses along her throat, punctuating them with soft bites on her tender flesh as she moaned my name. My free hand moved to her blouse and I rubbed her breasts with my palm. Again, she said my name. It was a high being in control of this writhing girl on my lap. I pinched her nipples hard through her shirt, first one and then the other. She was struggling now and her voice finally penetrated the haze in my mind.

  “Jayden, stop. Let me go.”

  I looked up into her frightened face. Apparently, I had gone too far and, immediately, I felt ashamed. It seemed to be a recurring theme that weekend, shame. I set her in the seat next to me and she wasted no time getting out of the booth and away from me. She didn’t even give me a chance to apologize for my actions. I polished off one of the drinks before slamming it down onto the table and laying my forehead next to it. The cool wood felt good as I closed my eyes and trying to control the reeling, which seemed to take up permanent residence in my head. Again, that feeling of isolation spread over me. There was no one I could talk to. I doubted that I could even bring myself to talk to Ethan about this. What if he said it wasn’t normal? What if I were a freak among freaks?

  I felt someone sit next to me and then a small gentle hand began to stroke my short hair. When I looked up, I found brown eyes meeting mine. A lovely brunette with soft wavy hair that fell in loose curls around her shoulders, framing her friendly face. My pulse quickened as I noticed a line of light, barely discernible freckles lined her nose and cheeks. I wanted to touch them. Even though she seemed familiar, I couldn’t place where I knew her from, so I put my forehead back on the table and mumbled that I really wasn’t in the mood for company.

  “It’s okay, Jayden,” she said softly in my ear and gently kissed my cheek. The surprise that she knew my name registered late, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. As she continued to run her fingers across my scalp, which I found incredibly soothing, she laid her hand on mine. Shocked, I saw that she wore the same cuff I did. I looked up into her face and she nodded.

  “Did he send you to watch me?” I asked in a defeated voice. It hurt more than it should to think that he didn’t trust me to follow his instructions outside the house. But hadn’t I just wanted to take that girl to prove to myself that I was still a man? Would I have followed through with it? I felt riddled with the guilt of what amounted in my mind to the abuse of that girl.

  “No,” she said quietly, just loud enough to be discerned above the din. “He was concerned that you may be having a hard time adjusting and asked me to look after you.” She squeezed my hand in hers. “He cares for you, Jayden, just as he cares for me. He cares the way any Dom cares for their sub. He knows that the psychological aspects of subservience can be overwhelming, especially in the beginning. Since your submission is to another man, that must increase the confusion and angst of the transition.”

  “How did you find me?”

  “There are like four bars in this town, and you’re on a bike. It wasn’t difficult.”

  “What’s your name?”

  “Lexi.”

  I nodded, but didn’t say anything else. The weight in my heart lifted in her presence.

  “Come on. You won’t find what you’re looking for here,” she said and pulled me from my seat. She continued to hold my hand as we approached her tiny little Honda. I liked the way she touched my cheek before getting behind the wheel and I stood there long after she’d driven off. It didn’t even occur to me to go back into the bar, so instead, I headed for my bike.

  Ethan was in the kitchen when I returned home. We looked at each other for a long moment across the expanse of the large, well-appointed space. I saw the concern in his eyes and felt reassured by it, but broke the spell by walking to the refrigerator for a bottle of water. Before he could
speak, I went up to my room and lay on my bed, strangely exhausted enough to sleep.

  We spent the next few days in the same manner. While I didn’t actively avoid Ethan any longer, we didn’t see much of each other during those few days. Left on my own to process things, I thought I had come to terms with my new role. A strange peace settled over me as I lay back on my bed and my phone chirped, indicating a text message. Sighing, I picked it up and saw a picture text from Ethan. I opened it and was stunned to find an image of myself from the room, on my knees, the bar tied in place. With my hands bound behind me, my eyes were closed and my face relaxed. I was struck by my own grace. The text below the image read:

  Do you see how beautiful you are? Be ready for me at 5:00.

  Chapter Three

  Unsure if I should knock on the door of the room or just enter, I turned the knob and went in. Dressed only in a pair of cotton shorts for my long trek down the hall, I couldn’t bring myself to take that walk naked. I needed the last few minutes of normalcy before I entered the room.

  Ethan was already in the room and, to my surprise, so was the brown-haired girl that he had sent to the bar. Quickly, I removed my shorts and dropped to my knees, which were spread wide in the position Ethan had shown me. I laced my fingers behind my head and waited, watching him play with Lexi. When he walked to the wall near the pulley and lever, my heart leapt into my throat. He lowered the cuffs, and I knew they were for me. I didn’t know if I’d be able to handle being suspended like that. Noticing my panic, he reminded me of the safe word we had discussed in our first session. The safe word, ‘red’, was used to stop specific acts if I was in pain or overwhelmed. We would stop the play immediately and talk about why I’d used the word. He said eventually, I may never use it, but in the beginning I should use it as often as I needed. This new relationship worked on trust, and he trusted me to use it.

  “Stand here,” he said indicating the place where the cuffs dangled. They were at my waist when he stopped the lever. Positioning me so that I faced the front of the room, he removed the cuff bearing his mark and placed the pulley’s leather cuffs on my wrists, which they more than covered. Leaving me for just a moment, he crossed the room and pulled down a spreader bar and another set of cuffs identical to those on my wrists. Then he knelt in front of me and buckled the cuffs to my ankles. Master Ethan tapped repeatedly on my inner calf and I spread my feet wider. Finally, he set the bar between them and used two heavy metal rings to attach the rings on the cuffs to the rings on the spreader bar.

  Gently, he pulled on the lever and my hands rose. I tried to control my breathing, but by the time my wrists were at the level of my shoulders, my breaths came quick and shallow. The large hook, to which my wrists were bound, continued to rise until my feet remained on the ground, but my body stretched.

  He closed in behind me and his warm, clothed body pressed against my back. Kissing my neck, he murmured into my ear, “Until you are more comfortable, you will not be gagged. But know that it will please me greatly when you are ready. I look forward to hearing you scream behind it.” I moaned at his words, my erection pulsed.

  Ethan led Lexi to where I hung from the cuffs and pushed down on her shoulders. Immediately, she went to her knees and laced her fingers behind her neck. Master Ethan grasped my throbbing erection and directed it into her waiting mouth. Moving her head back and forth at once, she sucked hard while my head dropped back and I groaned as she worked me.

  “Tell me, Jayden, did you get the chance to meet Lexi on Sunday night?”

  I lost track of where Master Ethan was, until I felt the sharp stinging slap on my upper thigh. Quickly, my eyes went to him and I saw that he had a riding crop in his hands.

  “Y…yes, Master Ethan.”

  As Lexi’s tongue rolled over the head of my cock, I felt the stinging pain across my tender buttocks and I jerked forward, deeper into her mouth.

  “Did you talk?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  He did not restrict the stinging slaps to my ass, but continued to whip my thighs as well. As he moved around to my front, he slapped each of my nipples and small cries escaped me. The stinging pain, combined with the pleasure of Lexi’s mouth was such delicious torture.

  My hips thrust forward with subtle pressure and I felt the crop slide up the inside of my thigh and then rub between my legs. The cold leather of the crop rubbed against my scrotum as she continued to move her mouth up and down me.

  “Did it help?”

  “God, yes, Sir.”

  The feeling was too much, but I couldn’t let go just yet. I had not been given permission. Now I understood what he’d meant when he said that every part of me was his, even my orgasms were his. I could not release without his permission and I whimpered loudly, trying to silently beg him.

  “Good girl,” he murmured with a stroke of Lexi’s hair, then I felt his lips at my ear.

  “What is it that you desire, Jayden?” he murmured, and a shiver ran down my spine. Desperately trying to hold out, I slammed my eyes closed and locked my jaw.

  “To come, Master, please…” I gasped and then, with my voice gaining a little volume, I continued. “If it pleases you…” I felt him reach down and rub his palm between my legs even as she sucked me harder, deeper. “Please…Please…” I cried, begging, losing all sense of self.

  He began whipping my buttocks again, harder this time, making my muscles clench with the blows and then I heard him nearly growl in my ear. “Fucking come for me, Jayden. Fill her little mouth.” My head fell back and I felt him continue to rein blows on my backside. They weren’t terribly painful, but they pushed me well over the edge. I focused on every sensation that was assaulting me, the stings of the crop, the tension in my arms, the cool air between my thighs, the bondage of my wrists and ankles and, most of all, the sweet torment of Lexi’s mouth. With abandon, I thrust my hips forward and screamed in my release. She stopped moving as I came, and I felt her swallowing around me, prolonging it, leaving me on the edge of oblivion.

  When she finally pulled back and released me from her mouth, the blows stopped. Not bothering to hold myself up any longer, I hung limply by my wrists.

  Just as slowly as I had been raised, he lowered me back to the floor. I let myself sink to my knees and, finally, raised my head. Master Ethan was looking at me with a small smile, pride evident in his expression. As I straightened up, I remained on my knees, the cuffs fell away from my wrists, and he threaded the hook through a loop on the wall. Immediately, I laced my fingers behind my neck in my position. I pleased him and took a small measure of pride from that.

  “Lexi, assume your position in front of Jayden,” he said in a low voice and Lexi crawled to kneel in front of me. Her pose mimicked mine exactly, her knees spread, her fingers also laced behind her neck. “Closer.”

  She inched forward until I could feel her body heat radiating against my skin, no more than two inches from me, and I felt the insane urge to lean down and kiss her if it were permitted. She could brush her beautiful naked breasts against me by merely taking a deep breath. I started to get hard again.

  “Do not move,” he said sharply and then left the room. As my erection grew, it touched her stomach and I closed my eyes briefly. Lexi never spoke and never moved during the minutes that Master Ethan was absent from the room and I followed her example.

  When he returned, Master Ethan carried a pitcher of ice water and a glass. After he poured the water in the glass, he held it to Lexi’s mouth for her to drink, which she did without breaking her position. Small droplets of water drizzled down her chin, neck and, finally, in between her perfect breasts. Her nipples hardened and I swallowed around the sudden dryness in my throat. Then, it was my turn. I drank deeply, trying to be careful, but water dribbled over from my lips, over my chin and down my chest. As the drops rolled over my stomach, I shuddered.

  “Come here Jayden,” Master Ethan commanded, standing next to a sawhorse. He had turned it so that one end faced Lexi and the other
faced him. I stood at the end nearest him and he bound my legs to the legs of the horse. Then he leaned me forward, being careful of my swollen cock. He placed a small towel under my chin which confused me, but then I looked straight ahead and saw Lexi. He bound my wrists to the legs on Lexi’s end of the horse and added ropes around my hips and chest, securing me tightly so that I could not move. I felt him preparing me for his dick and I closed my eyes. It still felt wrong to feel his fingers inside me.

  “Keep your eyes on hers,” he said roughly and then thrust inside of me. I groaned quietly, as he stretched me. Lexi watching me being defiled by another man made everything so much worse, probably as he’d intended. I felt some measure of the same humiliation, the same degradation that I had the first time he’d taken me and my face flamed. Master Ethan thrust harder and forced a low moan from me. Lexi smiled, her eyes bright with excitement.

  I focused on breathing deeply, trying to control my emotions.

  I focused on the pleasure I felt as he took me.

  I focused on the look of pride he’d given me after my punishment.

  Then, he began to stroke me and I knew I would no longer be able to control my body’s reactions.

  Master Ethan’s lubricated hand slid effortlessly over my swollen cock, forcing a tightness in my belly as my legs began to spasm. Whimpering as he stroked me hard in time with his thrusts, I didn’t know how I could stave off my release waiting for permission, especially when I could feel it building, filling me. A light sheen of sweat covered my skin as I struggled. The fire built in my body, licking at my balls.

  I screamed a strangled, “No!” as I my orgasm exploded through me. It coursed out of my dick, and I cried out over and over, my semen jetting in streams onto the floor. Master Ethan immediately pulled back and released me, his disapproval and disappointment almost palpable. He strode to the other side of the horse to stand directly in front of me, stroking his cock in functional rhythm. I chanced a glance up at his face and he was looking down at me in condemnation. A lump rose in my throat at my failure.