In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  “Jayden, what is it?” Lexi asked, concerned, taking my hand.

  “I…I haven’t…” I started, but really, how do I explain this?

  “You’re still the same person,” she said slowly, squeezing my hand. “It’s not like anyone will be able to tell. I know it’s a little unnerving at first. It’s okay, really.” She tugged on my hand and pulled me toward the door. Before we reached the other people near the entrance, she stopped pulling on my hand and I halted.

  “Maybe we should have gone to that sandwich place instead,” she suggested, looking around.

  “Why? What is it?” I asked her nervously. Had she seen someone she knew?

  “I could have really gone for a couple of subs,” she said with a deadpan expression and then started to giggle.

  “That was bad, Lexi.” I said, laughing in spite of myself.

  “Yeah, it was pretty sub-par, wasn’t it?” she agreed pensively and then burst out laughing. I rolled my eyes as we made our way inside.

  “Okay, I’ll try to be more subdued,” she said with a little fake sigh as the hostess came up to help us. She eyed me speculatively as she showed Lexi and me to an open booth.

  “She’s staring at me,” I admitted quietly to Lexi, who laughed.

  “You’re gorgeous, of course she’s staring,” she said, rolling her eyes. Then, she was serious. “The first time I went out after Ethan and I started our agreement, I was with a group of girls from school. I just knew they could see right through me and I felt…naked. It was a while before I started feeling ‘normal’ again.”

  “Can I ask you something?” I said in a low voice after the waitress took our order.

  “Sure, Jayden.” She reached over and squeezed my hand.

  “How did you end up as Ethan’s sub?” I asked, whispering the last word. She blinked. Apparently, that wasn’t the question she was expecting.

  “Oh…” she said with her smile widening. “It’s probably not the sordid tale you’re imagining. I’m not a kidnapped harem girl or anything. He didn’t win me in a game of poker.” She giggled. “My sophomore year of college, I roomed with a senior named Genevieve. We were friends, but I was different then. I was painfully shy, with glasses and long braids, and really had no self-confidence. I spent most of my time reading. I had few friends and never really went out.” She shrugged and looked down at the table. I squeezed her hand this time, encouraging her to continue.

  “A few times near the end of the year, she came home upset. I tried to get her to tell me what was wrong, but she wouldn’t. Finally, one night she came home and I was reading an erotic novel, as I had done a few times before. Her eyes widened and she asked me about it. At first I tried to play it off, but I could see that she wasn’t going to judge me. So I told her about my fascination with BDSM and D/s. She smiled at me and then told me about Ethan. She was his collared sub, but she’d gotten accepted to an MBA program in California and would have to terminate their relationship. She was upset about leaving him. We talked all night about her role and about Ethan. By morning, she said that she’d talk to him about training me. I’d never even been with a guy before. I couldn’t imagine why he would want me, I was so inexperienced.” She laughed softly at the memory and I was entranced by the sound of it. Just then, the waitress brought the pizza we’d ordered. I took another drink of my water while Lexi did the same.

  “Ethan agreed to meet with me and we talked for about an hour. We talked about my fantasies and about the needs and expectations of a D/s relationship. Then, we went up to the room. He had me remove my clothes; it was the most erotic experience. He was exceptionally gentle as he touched me over several different parts of my body. Now I know he was testing my responsiveness. He gave me my very first orgasm, just with his hands. From that point, I was his. I’d do whatever I could to please him.” She finished, shifting a little in her seat.

  “You said that you were a virgin. Was he…?” I asked timidly.

  “He was gentle and caring. It wasn’t what you might be thinking,” she explained quietly, looking away. “We weren’t in a bed, but I wasn’t bound. He was patient with me and we worked up to it over a series of sessions. I can’t imagine that any other Dom would have been so tolerant with me.” I nodded and inwardly marveled at Ethan’s ability to read people. He knew that I would need an immediate immersion while Lexi required more patience. We finished our pizza and ordered another round of beers.

  As we drank a couple more beers each, we talked, she wanted to know about my family and she told me some about hers. We talked about our vanilla relationships and anything else we could think of. When the conversation turned to the future, her face clouded slightly and she quickly changed the subject, so I didn’t press, figuring she’d tell me if she wanted to. We walked back to the bike and Lexi was all smiles again, which I was fairly sure had to do with her alcohol content. I swung my leg over the bike and she stood next to me.

  “I had fun tonight, Jayden. I still don’t go out all that often – thanks,” she said, smiling and leaning forward. At first, I thought she was going to kiss my cheek, but she put her small hand on the side of my face and pulled it to hers. I reveled in the feeling of her lips on mine, pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. Her fingers entwined themselves in my shirt as our mouths danced together in a perfect rhythm. It was only when she moaned softly against my mouth that I remembered where we were and, more to the point, what we were.

  “Lexi, honey, let’s get you home.” Sighing, she rested her head on my shoulder.

  “I don’t want to go home. Can we go back and watch movies at your house?” she asked in a small voice. Something was definitely bothering her and I wished with all my heart that she would trust me and confide in me. I mean, we were in this together now, weren’t we? She’d been there for me when I needed someone.

  We got back to the house and she picked out a DVD while I went up to change. When I came back down, she was putting something into the player. I tossed one of my t-shirts and a pair of gym shorts to her. Grinning, she started to strip and I turned quickly to spread the blanket on the couch for us to sit under.

  “Jayden…” she said, giggling. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me in much less.” I nodded and she came around to sit on the couch in her borrowed clothes. As the movie started, she snuggled into my side and I put my arm around her. I couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt with her when I felt so out of place with other people now. Going through my contacts earlier, I couldn’t find one person, one friend, that I felt comfortable being with right now – even Kimberly. My sister had left a few messages for me over the last two weeks and I had finally decided that I would call her the next day. I was just afraid that she’d be able to hear it in my voice…I could never hide anything from her.

  I looked down and noticed that, during my inner monologue, Lexi had fallen asleep on my shoulder. Her presence felt nice.

  “No…” she mumbled. “Don’t want to…” I held her closer as she was having a bad dream. “Please…I can’t…” I frowned. What could she be dreaming about? Was this the same thing she was upset over earlier? “Ethan…I don’t want…” She shifted and I began stroking her face.

  “Shhh…Lexi, honey…It’s okay,” I reassured her. She quieted and said, “Mmm…Jayden…” I chuckled and she snuggled a little closer, appearing to fall into a deeper sleep.

  I woke up around two in the morning and turned off the television. I got Lexi settled comfortably on the couch and turned to go up to bed. Before I did, however, I leaned down and kissed her softly on the forehead.

  She sighed contentedly.

  The next morning, I awoke with a smile and rolled to look at the clock. It was already 10:30 a.m. I sat straight up in bed – God, I never sleep this late. Ethan should already be back and I wondered if Lexi was still on the couch. Would he be okay with that? An uneasy feeling settled in my stomach and I rolled out of the bed.

  I was on the stairs when I heard raised voices. Damn, I ne
ed to tell Ethan it was me that left her on the couch. I didn’t want him upset with her. Then I heard something that made me stop in my tracks and listen.

  “You know why I can’t stay, Ethan,” Lexi said, her voice weary. “When we made the arrangement, you knew it was short term. I made it very clear that I wanted to go to grad school at NYU.”

  “I know, but I thought given the change in your feelings, that it might make you stay,” he said, sighing. “Granted, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with relationships, but I thought if you cared about someone…” he trailed off. She was in love with him…that much was evident. Why did I suddenly feel left out of the equation?

  “Give me some time, Lexi,” he requested with an eerily calm voice. If it were me, I’d be pleading with her to stay. If it weren’t such a good opportunity for her career, I might have anyway.

  “I have two months before I leave for NYU,” she said with a steely note of pride.

  “You know that’s not enough time,” he said dryly and I couldn’t help but wonder what his problem was.

  “Well, then maybe…maybe after…” she said, her voice breaking on the last word. The muffled sobs indicated he was comforting her. Swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat at the sound of her heartbreak, I went back upstairs with only about an hour before we were due in the room. I wondered briefly if Lexi would be there.

  Before I knew it, I was naked and on my knees waiting for Master Ethan. I had spent the last ten minutes clearing my mind of the conversation I had inadvertently heard. There was no place for it now because my only focus was pleasing Master Ethan. A few minutes later, he came in alone and slammed the door behind him. He was angry, that much was evident, but I didn’t know who his anger was directed at and I certainly wasn’t going to make it any worse. Or so I thought…

  “Jayden, am I really that bad of a Master?” he asked scornfully. I didn’t know what I should say. “Answer me!” He roared and I nearly cringed back from the hostility in his voice, but I caught myself.

  “N…No Master Ethan,” I stammered.

  “This is what you consider your position to be then?” He sneered at me. “Your posture is a disgrace.” Abruptly, he turned and walked to a nearby closet where he pulled out some kind of restraint I’d never seen before and then he returned to where I was kneeling. The restraint looked like nothing more than a ramrod straight metal bar with a collar at the top and two cuffs at bottom of the bar.

  “Stand up and turn around,” he snarled at me. I complied immediately. He buckled the collar around my neck securely and then my back was forced perfectly straight as my wrists were buckled into the cuffs.

  “Better,” he said walking around me. “On your knees. Legs spread.” I got to my knees carefully and spread my legs as far as I could comfortably. It was difficult since the collar didn’t allow me to put my head down – I couldn’t see to guide myself. He came around in front of me again and said, “Let’s see if any of your other services are lacking today. Open!” I opened my mouth and he drove in his hardened sex. Abruptly, he stopped and I waited, but he remained stationary.

  “Well?” he taunted and I began to suck him awkwardly moving my head back and forth, restricted by the collar device. I pulled back and moved my mouth lower, using my tongue to take his balls into my mouth and then very lightly sucked them. He moaned and put his fingers on my hair. “Very good… Good boy…” He nearly groaned. Pulling back again, I took him into my mouth, noticing he had a stronger sense of urgency now.

  “I love fucking your hot little mouth,” he said in a low whisper. I continued to do my best, bobbing my head back and forth, trying to pull him deeper each time. The door opened and then we heard a gasp. Briefly, I wondered if Lexi had never seen this restraint before either. I kept to my task, not bothering to open my eyes and Master Ethan said, “Wait downstairs in the drawing room.”

  “What the fuck is going on here?” A stunned voice shrieked and I felt my stomach fall through the floor.

  It wasn’t Lexi. It was Kimberly. My sister was standing in the doorway, watching me naked, bound and hard as steel, pleasuring another man. Her long blond hair had been pulled up away from her face, so her piercing grey eyes were now almost prominent in her normally porcelain face. Now her face was red, either with embarrassment or rage, I wasn’t quite sure. Standing with perfectly manicured nails on the hips of her designer jeans, she was obviously waiting for an answer to her question. She tapped the toe of her high heeled shoe silently against the carpeting in the hall. It looked like she was almost afraid to actually come into the room with us.

  My mind just couldn’t process what was happening. Why was Kimberly here? Why didn’t she just go downstairs? When Master Ethan asked me if I wanted to use my safe word in a jeering tone, I just sucked harder. The higher functioning, humiliated side of me wanted to pull back and scream it. This wasn’t something Kimberly needed to see. But the baser side, the one that was still aroused beyond all measure, just wanted to bring about his orgasm and, hopefully, one for myself in return. The conflict raging in me made me a little dizzy and I focused on the task at hand.

  He groaned softly and said to her in a low voice. “Unless you want to watch me come in his sweet little mouth, you’ll go downstairs.” A low guttural moan escaped him and then he added, “Now.” My mind screamed at me, wondering why he wasn’t stopping this. He should let me get rid of her so we can finish at the very least. But there was a small part of me, the twisted depraved part that was glad he didn’t stop. That part made me hollow out my cheeks, desperate for his come.

  I heard the door slam and Master Ethan put his hands on either side of my head. He stilled my feeble movements and started stronger ones of his own. Grunting with each thrust, even I could tell he was excited by our being caught…fucking my mouth until he came with a deep groan. I swallowed around him, still trying desperately to please him. He pulled away, panting and tucked himself back into his pants. Without a word, he released me from the restraint and put it back in the closet. Finally, he came back to stand in front of me.

  “Go deal with her,” he growled in an annoyed tone. “Make sure she knows never to come into this room again. We will finish this later.” Then he left the room and I felt the traitor tears stinging my eyes. I got dressed quickly, trying to will my cock down. When I felt calm again, I went downstairs and found her standing near the front window looking out. I didn’t see Ethan…he must have gone up to his room. Sucking a sharp breath as my body started to respond to the thought; I could only imagine the punishment I would get for this. I pushed it out of my mind and I walked toward my sister.

  “What are you doing here, Kimberly?” I asked and, even to me, my voice sounded ashamed. I knew she had probably walked into that room by accident as I told her only that the second floor was my space. It never occurred to me to tell her about that particular room. I hadn’t wanted to arouse her suspicions. Kimberly could be very perceptive when she wanted to be. “How did you even get in?”

  “The door was unlocked, and you got mail at my house,” she said, waving her hand like that part was inconsequential. “What the fuck was that, Jayden?” she asked and I knew she was upset. She never called me “Jayden.” It was always “J” or “Jade,” just like I always called her “Kim” or “Kimmy.” From the tone of her voice and her devastated expression, something had broken between us. My chest tightened at the thought. But really, how the hell could I explain that to her when I could barely explain it to myself? She would be ashamed of me and I just couldn’t deal with that.

  “That,” I said, emphasizing the word, “was none of your business.” My voice was drawn and hard.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked in a small voice. “I thought we could tell each other anything?” I gaped at her. How could she expect that I would just lay out my sex life for her? Right now I was having problems assimilating this new aspect into the rest of my life…I couldn’t explain it to her.

  “Do you tell
me about your sex life?” I asked, incredulous. Not that she had to tell me, I heard more than a few examples of it when I was staying on her couch and I never could look at Josh the same way again.

  “Not that, Jayden. Why didn’t you tell me that you’re gay? Didn’t you trust me?” she asked softly and I sighed. I could see where she would be hurt by that. Even in high school when other brothers and sisters hated each other, Kimberly and I told each other everything. Hell, she helped me with girls, I helped her with guys. She had always been my best friend, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her about this.

  “I’m not gay,” I said dryly. At least, I didn’t consider myself as such. It’s not like I would be trolling gay bars and picking up guys, even if my relationship with Ethan were to end. It wasn’t about it being Ethan, it was about it being Master Ethan.

  “Well then, I’m really fucking confused because I thought I just walked in on you – on your knees for your roommate,” she yelled, and her voice cracked.

  “I am not going to talk about this with you,” I said, avoiding her eyes. How could she think that I would get into something like this with her? It was personal, a private thing between Ethan and me. Only Lexi knew and that was because she was a part of it.

  “Are you…Are you in trouble, Jay? Is that why? I can pay your rent if you need…” She broke off suddenly at the look on my face.

  “Get out,” I said in a low voice, my anger escalated exponentially. She thought I was being his little bitch for money, fucking him for the rent? Suddenly, my stomach turned in realization of her low opinion of me, apparently losing all of her respect now. I hated myself for it. I hated her for it.