In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  Not able to listen anymore, I got up and went to the bed, my face buried in the pillow. I barely had time to take a breath before I started screaming.

  I sat in the small, quiet room for hours after the funeral, until Lexi and Ethan told me that we should go. Josh and Kim had left right afterwards, Kimberly just couldn’t take being there. She and I had been cordial during the whole process, our grief outweighing the animosity, both too shocked and devastated by our parents’ brutal deaths to really put any energy into fighting. We were both thoroughly defeated, it didn’t matter who was right anymore.

  After our flight landed in Washington and on the way to the house, I sat in the back of Ethan’s Audi. The silence on the drive home was absolute. There was no talking, no music; I didn’t even hear the purr of the engine as we made our way down the highway. I gazed out the window, watching the scenery pass, trying desperately to contain the screaming that was inside my head, drowning everything else out.

  When we pulled up to the house, I got out without a word and walked directly up to the room, leaving the door open, knowing Ethan and Lexi would follow soon. I removed all of my clothing and went to the grid work of bars on the wall, grabbing four cuffs as I went, buckling them tightly onto my wrists and ankles, just as Ethan had taught me during our training. I saw the special pins in the cuffs that attached to points in the grid and I walked over to the wall and locked my ankles first and then my wrists, to points on the grid that caused me to be spread wide. Then, I waited.

  It took a while for Ethan and Lexi to come into the room. Ethan walked up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder.

  “Jayden…”

  “Whip me,” I said in a low but surprisingly calm voice, even though I was anything but calm and could still clearly hear the screaming in my head.

  He sighed. “Jayden, I don’t think—” he started, but I cut him off, my forehead was pressed against the metal, so I was speaking to the wall. My eyes were closed and I didn’t turn my head; I didn’t want to see his pity.

  “Please…” I nearly sobbed, whispering now. “I need the pain.” He started to protest and I turned my head to look at him, my voice rising exponentially with every word. “My parents died thinking I fuck strange men for money. I can’t think about it!” I was almost screaming. “I can’t feel what I’m feeling right now. Please…Master…Ethan, please.” I finished and turned back to the wall as I heard him walking to the back wall to pick something out. I didn’t even care what he was retrieving. Lexi kissed my shoulder softly.

  “Please don’t do this,” she said quietly. I turned my head away from her…I couldn’t face her. I felt like such a coward, such a fucking failure. Moving away, she sat on the floor. I didn’t want her to see this, but I knew she’d never leave.

  “Are you sure, Jayden?” he asked and the conflict in his voice over what he was about to do was evident. I nodded and he stepped back before I heard a whistle through the air and felt the sharp sting on my back.

  “Harder!” I said through my teeth. He didn’t say anything, but swung his instrument with slightly more force and I grunted as it swiped across my skin just under the first strike.

  “Harder!” I said again, my voice breaking, grunting and panting through my teeth. The next blow burned my skin. I tensed and then let out a low moan. “Yes…”

  He continued to work over my increasingly sensitive skin in harder strokes. After a few minutes, I felt the screams start to tear out of my throat—screams of pain, frustration and loss. I couldn’t scream loud enough to purge my overwhelming grief.

  My throat was sore from the screams and the sobs when Ethan finally said, “Enough,” and tossed something onto the floor. My legs had given out and I was hanging by my arms. In the resulting silence, I heard Lexi crying quietly on the floor next to me, she had never left me. They were both here for me as no one else has ever been.

  “Lexi, honey, release his cuffs,” Ethan instructed her. I felt his arms go around my waist to hold me up. As he took the strain off my arms, they burned and started to cramp from the exertion. When the cuffs were finally off, I was shaking all over and found that I could not stand. Ethan and Lexi half carried me to my room and lay me face down on my bed.

  “Lexi, get a cool wash cloth, I’m going to get my bag.” Ethan told her quietly and then left the room. She was back in a minute and I felt her cool hands on my fiery skin. I knew what it must look like; I’d seen the pictures—angry red lines, raised welts, bruising that would probably cover my skin from my shoulders to my knees. Perfectly straight, perfectly formed lines as only an experienced Master like Ethan could deliver

  “Thank you,” I said in a broken whisper. Her breathing hitched just once and the washcloth paused, but then she resumed. Ethan came back a few minutes later and began to rub something on my back, buttocks and legs, never saying a word. His touch was gentle and affectionate. Lexi sat at the head of the bed and stroked my hair.

  “What’s that?” Lexi asked in a whisper. I felt a sharp pinch in my arm as he answered.

  “A sedative,” Ethan answered after a minute or so and his voice sounded distant and slow. “He needs to rest.” He finished as the curtain was pulled over my consciousness. The last thing I heard was Ethan’s anguished voice, a bit muffled as he said “I didn’t want to hurt him, Lexi. But I understand what he meant about the pain…”

  The yelling woke me up. I was still lying on my stomach, naked under the sheet covering up to my waist. Turning my head slowly towards the sound, I moved before I remembered the searing pain in my back. I hissed at the burning still torturing my skin and then noticed that the sun had set. I don’t know how long I had slept, but Ethan had been right, I felt better after resting. I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep since the policemen showed up at the door with their news. Once fully awake, I could hear the voices more clearly. It sounded like they were in the hall outside my partially open door.

  “How could you do that to him – no matter what your fucking ‘title’?” A sneering voice accused in a low tone. I recognized that voice as my sister’s. Hadn’t she done enough to me? Now she was tormenting the only people who truly cared about me. If I could have moved, I would have picked her up and thrown her out.

  “You have inflicted more pain on him than I ever could,” Ethan snarled back, the venom in his voice was unmistakable. As my friend, as well as my Master, he was furious with Kimberly for the damage she had caused.

  “Stop. Please.” My voice rough and cracking because of the soreness in my throat. Kimberly threw open the door and ran to my bedside, while Ethan stood looking at me from just inside the doorway. I nodded and he left the room. It was time to talk to her…there was nothing else she could really do to me now.

  “Oh Jay…” Kimberly said and I could tell that she was crying by the thickness of her voice and the soft sniffles. I opened my eyes and looked at her and she turned on the bedside lamp. “Honey, why did you let him do this to you? Please…Please come and stay with Josh and me.” She ran her fingers over my hair and I relaxed into her touch.

  Then I heard Lexi’s screaming, almost hysterical, voice in the hall. “Why? Why would you let her in there with him? Hasn’t she tortured him enough? Ethan, let go of me! Please! P-please,” she whimpered, crying. “I can’t stand to see it again, Ethan. I can’t listen to his screams, his pain. It broke my fucking heart!” I could hear her still struggling against him and it sounded as though Ethan carried her down the hall and then down the stairs. It warmed me to know that Lexi was ready to fight for me. The fact that she cared so much about me gave me the strength to face my sister.

  “I didn’t let him do anything, Kimberly. I asked him…no, begged him really, to do it.”

  “Why would you do that, Jayden?” she growled, her voice angry now. I turned my head away from her and faced the wall, still too sore to move. Unsure how to explain it to her, I still wanted to tell her the truth, because in this case, the truth could actually set me free. I wanted to be free fr
om the guilt and the secrets.

  “Because the physical pain is easier to deal with,” I said in a flat, expressionless voice. “My parents are dead. Worse, they died believing that I had sex with men for money. I’m sure they hated and were disgusted by me.” She gasped. “I don’t even have the energy to feel the revulsion and self-loathing anymore. All I can focus on now is the scorching pain. That’s why I begged him to do it.”

  “Oh, Jay, why would you think that they believed that? Did they say something?”

  “They gave me a huge check at graduation and told me that you had told them that I was in trouble. Dad wouldn’t even look me in the eye the last time I saw him. You have never in your life been able to keep a secret. Why would I think you’d kept one that made you disgusted with me? Josh knows. God only knows how many other people you told about your sick freak of a brother—anything to make Kimberly the victim in need of sympathy.”

  “Oh honey, I did tell them that I was worried about you, but I would never…I’m sure they assumed because you refused their help for college that it was about money,” she said with a sigh. “And I may not understand what goes on here, but…” She ran her fingers over my hair. “You are my brother, Jay. I love you. I would never do that to you. And…and…” She began to sob. “And I’m so sorry. Please, Jay, you’re all I have left. Please don’t hate me. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t lose you too, please…please…” I turned my head to look at her; she had her head in her hands. And with that, the wall between us fell. She really hadn’t betrayed me to our parents, she would get past our differences and we would be us again. I had missed her so much.

  “Kimmy…” I said, using my nickname for her for the first time since she walked in on Ethan and me. “Kim, of course I don’t hate you. You just have to understand that this is what I want, not some perversion that your sweet, innocent brother was forced into. Okay?” She nodded. “Now, I’m really tired and not all that comfortable talking to you with just a sheet on. I’ll come by in a few days, okay?”

  “Okay, Jay,” she sniffled. “I love you.” She said softly and stroked my hair again. I told her I loved her too and my eyes closed slowly, hearing her leave just as I fell back to sleep. The past few days had just drained everything from me and the sedative Ethan had given was still in my system.

  I wasn’t used to sleeping for such a long time in one position, especially on my stomach, so when I finally woke up, I was stiff. Someone was playing with my hair and I opened my eyes slowly to see Lexi watching me.

  “Hey…” she said softly, smiling.

  “Hi.” Her hand moved from my hair to my face.

  “You okay?” Her eyes searched my face and I nodded. Then, I pressed my cheek into her palm as she stroked it gently with her thumb and we stayed just like that.

  No more words were necessary.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It was a moment that I had been thinking about for over a year; sitting on my sister’s couch with her leaning back into me, her head rested on my chest and we were comfortable with each other. Kimberly had even made peace with Lexi before I drove her to the airport this morning. Deep down, Kimberly knew that Lexi was someone that I truly cared about and someone that cared about me. She felt compelled to, if not befriend her, at least tolerate her. Though, I’m sure tolerating Ethan was going to take a little more work.

  “Hey, Jay? Can we…” Kimberly asked just as my cell phone rang. It wasn’t a number that I recognized. Worse than that, it was a three-one-two area code – Chicago.

  “Hello?” I answered cautiously. After having listened to enough sympathetic callers, I had grown frustrated with hearing their ‘I’m so sorry, Jason’ – because of course they couldn’t get my name right.

  “Jayden?” The voice asked quietly. “Is this Jayden Carter?” Well, at least they knew my name.

  “Yes, this is Jayden Carter,” I said rolling my eyes at Kimberly, she giggled quietly.

  “Jayden, this is Harold Rotes. I was your father’s attorney and am trustee to his estate,” he said solemnly. I appreciated that even though he wanted to give his condolences, he held back.

  “Hello, Mr. Rotes. I remember you,” I said, picturing the older, balding, quiet man who used to stop by the house when I was younger with papers for Dad to sign. Silently, I thanked my father for putting his affairs into such good order. Kimberly and I barely had to do anything.

  “Jayden, I’ll get right to the point. There is trouble in your father’s company. The stock prices have fallen some since his death and the board is worried. There is a provision in your father’s will…well, maybe it would be better to discuss it in person. It would be helpful if you and your sister could come to Chicago and meet with me and then the board,” he explained gravely. I don’t know anything about business. I was getting my master’s in history for God’s sake.

  “I’ll talk to my sister, but I will definitely be there. You and I can meet when I arrive and we can discuss things with the board on Monday.” I heard Mr. Rotes chuckle lightly on the phone.

  “I’m sorry, Jayden. You sound exactly like your father when you put on your professional voice.”

  “Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said quietly and then hung up the phone.

  “Jay, what do you need to talk to me about?” Her face was set and determined as I explained to her about the board and she relaxed. She knew that I would take care of whatever it was and she was happy to head out to Chicago with me. Josh had some time coming too, so he could go with us. Hesitantly, she even asked if I wanted to take Ethan and I snorted. It wasn’t exactly ‘bring your Dom to work’ day. He had come with me the last time I needed to go to Chicago and, with his history there, I think he’s more than met his quota.

  When I got home that night, Ethan was sitting at the table eating dinner. “I made enough for two, if you’re interested,” he said lightly, smiling at me. Things had become much more relaxed between us since the definition of our relationship had changed. I was still his sub, but I was also a Dom. Well, technically, I was a switch…someone that could confidently fill both roles. However, I felt that I was not really a switch, as the only one that I would ever sub for was Ethan. I filled a plate and sat down at the table with him while he poured me a glass of wine.

  “Thanks.” I took the merlot from him, having developed an appreciation for wine since I’d lived with Ethan. I liked to think that I had a similar influence on him, that I had enriched his life in some way. He had certainly enriched mine. “I got a call from my father’s attorney,” I began, might as well get it over with. “I need to go to Chicago for a few days.”

  “If you’d like company, all you need do is ask,” he offered. I told him that while I appreciated the offer, Kimberly and Josh had to come with me anyway. “I didn’t think of that, I guess that she would. If he hassles you about anything and you need a good attorney, I know someone.” Always the optimist, I had to chuckle and he smiled. He offered to drive us to the airport, but I told him we’d just keep the car in long-term parking – we wouldn’t be gone that long.

  The flight to Chicago was uneventful, well, unless you count Josh’s rendition of some eighties pop song for the flight attendants. They thought it was funny. Kimberly and I, however, changed seats when he went to the bathroom. It took him two trips through the nearly empty plane to find us as we sat very low in a couple of seats. Mr. Rotes had a car waiting for us at the airport. It still felt so strange to know that I had so much money. I had never really given it much thought when it was my parents’ money. Now, it was mine and Kimberly’s. We literally didn’t know what to do with it. Josh both surprised and impressed me when he told Kimberly not to buy him a huge red Jeep that he’d had his eye on. He said that we should discuss things with terms like P/E ratio, EPS and market value with a reputable financial planner and get everything organized before we did anything else. I gaped at him, but he just shrugged.

  It took nearly an hour in traffic to get to my parents’ town
house. Eerily, my childhood home looked exactly the same. Though for me, so much had changed since I’d been there last. Kimberly stopped dead on the sidewalk too. This would be the one event, more than any other, which drove the point home that our parents were dead. As we walked up the sidewalk to the house, I held my sister’s hand; she was shaking slightly next to me.

  I unlocked the front door. Some things had changed, as you would expect through the passing of time, but many other things had not. Our school pictures still lined the staircase, stacked one on top of the other. First, Kimberly on top, then me – all the way up the stairs. My mother always made sure that neither of us felt the other was favored, she was just like that. I felt the weight settle in my chest just thinking of her.

  I waited in my father’s study for Mr. Rotes to arrive. It had been years since I’d been in here, but everything was much the same. While he had updated the phone and the computer, the big cherry wood desk was still the same. Sitting in his chair, I looked around where we’d had all of our talks—the ‘be nice to your sister’ talk, the ‘boys and girls are different’ talk, the ‘treat women right’ talk and the ‘condom’ talk—all of them. I began to lament all of the talks that we would never have—the ‘wedding’ talk, the ‘kids of my own’ talk—none that would ever happen. As I took in the wall next to the desk, I noticed something that made my heart stop. The check and letter I had sent back were pinned to a corkboard hanging on the wall. I leaned over and pulled it down.

  “You know, I asked him about that recently,” Mr. Rotes said from the doorway, startling me out of my thoughts. I looked over at him and he must have seen something in my face. “He told me how you wanted to make it on your own steam. He said he kept it up there as a posted reminder of his son’s outstanding character.”