In the Absence of Monsters

by Jp Barnaby

  She got up, and walked to a bookcase to the left. Standing on her toes, she reached up and pulled down a book. It looked old, but well cared for. When she sat down with it in her lap, I saw that there was an engraved nameplate on the front that read Ethan Richard Hughes, Jr.

  “I want you to meet Ethan Hughes,” she said and opened the book. It was filled with hundreds of pictures, captions, and little pieces of my childhood. I saw a lock of hair from my first haircut, a scrap from my first T-ball uniform, and a report card. It was weird seeing these tangible reminders of the child that I had been. She kept turning and I saw page after page of stuff I didn’t think anyone would have kept. Idly, I wondered if she just kept adding things after I had been taken, just to keep that tether to me. Abruptly, the book changed, and the young smiling boy once again went to that shell-shocked teenager. The strange part was that though the type and variety of memorabilia changed, the quantity did not. I saw a piece of music that I had written for one of my homeschool assignments, my acceptance letter into Washington State, and even a newspaper clipping from when I was found. I had been on the front page of most every local paper. Each story carried a banner headline and a picture of me in my mother’s arms.

  As we went through the book, she told me stories of my childhood. These were things that would have been ingrained if I’d heard about them consistently over the years like most children, but I had not. It surprised me how much of my life from birth to eight that I could not remember, it was simply gone from my head. When she got up to how my best childhood friend and I used to pretend to be paramedics, my father walked into the room again.

  “Your mother must have gone through hundreds of washcloths because you said they made perfect bandages. You bandaged up the kids and their pets in the neighborhood. I wasn’t surprised at all when you decided to go into medicine,” he said, chuckling. “Proudest day of my life was watching you walk across that stage.”

  “What?” I asked, and turned around. “You were there? Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

  “We figured if you’d wanted us there, you’d have invited us. But, we weren’t about to miss out on one of the most important days of our son’s life,” he said matter-of-factly as my mother turned the last page of the book. There, staring at me from the pages was Ethan Richard Bryant accepting his diploma. Next to it was the program they’d handed out and a tassel they had probably picked up at the bookstore. I was speechless.

  “Well, let’s get this cleared away,” my father said, clearing his throat. “The others will be here shortly.” I stood and handed him the book. He looked at me for just a moment before setting it on the couch and pulling me into a hug. At first, I stiffened but then hugged him back. After giving me one of those awkward back-pats, he put the book back in its place and was out of the room before I really had time to process what had happened.

  My mother pulled me down again to sit next to her on the couch. “We have a little time yet, would you tell me about your friends?” she asked tentatively, and to my surprise, I smiled.

  “Lexi… came into my life several years ago, and to be honest, she’s been my first adult friend. I’d never had friends before her. She is patient and kind, reminding me almost daily that I’m a person worth befriending. She found out pretty early on about my past but has never shied away from it. She’s always embraced me for the person I have become,” I said, and my mother nodded, smiling.

  “Jayden came into my life about two years ago, and has become my best friend. He makes me feel… almost normal. It’s nice,” I said, and my mother got a speculative look on her face.

  “There’s something bothering you, isn’t there honey?” she asked gently, but astutely as I looked out the window trying to decide if it was something I could tell her. How would she react to yet another damaged byproduct of my life? “Ethan… Ethan when you were growing up, all the little kids around you knew what they were going to be when they grew up because their parents set those expectations on them at a young age. One day, shortly before you were taken, you came to me and told me that your friend was upset. You said that his dad wouldn’t let him be an ambulance driver when he grew up because he had to be a lawyer. It just about broke his heart. You asked me what I wanted you to be when you grew up. Do you remember what I said?” I shook my head, not remembering the conversation at all. “I said that I wanted you to be happy. I still do, Ethan. Whatever you think you can’t tell me, I bet you’ll find that you can.”

  I looked down at my hands, and then spoke quietly to them. “Jayden and I have been… intimate.”

  “Ethan, look at me,” she said with staggering emotion in her voice. “It doesn’t matter to me what your preferences are. It worries me that you care so much about this boy when he seems to be with someone else, but it doesn’t worry me that you are attracted to men. If that is what makes you happy, then your father and I are fine with it. I told him when I saw you the other day that I thought maybe you and your friend were closer than you appeared. We are both so proud of you, Ethan. You survived something that I can’t even imagine, you achieved your goals, and you are coping the best you can with what happened to you. If that’s what makes you happy, sweetheart, I think karma owes you one.”

  I considered her words for a minute. My parents weren’t going to have a problem with me being gay, and my friends didn’t have a problem with me being gay, so why did I have such a problem with it? I suppose a better question would be – why was I putting off the inevitable? I knew that I was only attracted to women because of their willingness to submit to me, it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that they were women; it was their vulnerability and submissiveness that excited me. Jayden had shown me a whole new level of attraction when he walked up to my house that very first day.

  “I am attracted to men,” I said and then looked up to meet her gaze. Her face broke into a smile and after a moment, mine did too. It wasn’t something that I had wanted to happen, but acknowledging it, saying it, made me feel better than I ever thought it would.

  “The guests will be arriving soon, Ethan. Do you feel comfortable staying?” My mother inquired as we sat alongside each other on the opulent couch. I took a deep breath, and then looked at the decision objectively. These were people that knew about my past, they would look at me with pity in their eyes. As I thought it would be uncomfortable, I was willing to endure it for please her. I told her that I would stay. If the weight of it, the pain and scrutiny, started to feel too unbearable, I could always leave.

  We stayed in the sitting room, listening to the guests arrive and move around to the back of the house to the patio to settle before taking me out there for the introductions. My father wandered by a few minutes later to tell her that everyone had arrived. After I assured her that I was ready, we walked together through the terrace doors into the lion’s den of the backyard.

  “Everyone,” my mother said, raising her voice to get their attention. “You all remember our son Ethan? He’s visiting and decided to come to brunch to say hello,” she said with a smile, like there wasn’t a forty-foot tall elephant standing next to her hydrangeas. I smiled weakly and waved before quickly heading over to my father, who held out a small measure of scotch. Taking it, I absently nursed it while the throng of my parents’ friends, and their single daughters, came over and started pleasantly dreary conversations. I assured the daughters that I wouldn’t be in town long, and appeared to listen to their painfully dull shopping diatribes. It was only then that I noticed a guy hanging back away from the group, roughly my age, with longer, but well-kept blond hair, and haunting blue eyes. As I looked up, his eyes met mine and I smiled.

  After making his way slowly through the other guests, he finally he stood in front of me shyly. “Hi, Ethan,” he greeted.

  “Hi,” I replied. I didn’t know his name, so I couldn’t use it. It felt like I should know his name, like I was missing something.

  “It’s Gabriel. You were my best friend until… well, until we
were eight,” he said, and it was painfully obvious that he was trying to avoid that elephant over by the flowers.

  “We used to play paramedics?” I asked and his head shot up.

  “You remember?” he asked hopefully, but I shook my head and his face fell. We sat down at a nearby table.

  “To be honest, I don’t remember a lot of what my life was like before…well, before I was eight. My mom and I were just looking through a scrapbook, and she was telling me about it. Did you go into law? My mom said that’s the direction you were headed.” I said, trying to make him feel more comfortable.

  “Yes. I’m a junior partner at my father’s firm,” he said with something akin to pride. “I heard you became a doctor? Went up a few steps from a paramedic, didn’t you?” His friendly smile relaxed me enough to smile as well.

  For a while we talked about different aspects of our lives, not touching on the obvious topic until finally he brought it up.

  “Ethan. I’m sorry for what happened that day,” he said, looking at the table. I gaped at him. “If I hadn’t played sick that day… If I’d have been there, maybe… Damn it, Ethan you were my best friend, and I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry I let that happen to you.”

  “You didn’t let anything happen to me. You were a little boy – did it ever occur to you that maybe he would have taken you too? Then, there still would have been nothing you could do about it, and your life would have been ruined like mine was,” I said, standing up from the table, not wanting to talk about it, especially not there in front of the garden club tea party. As I turned to leave, a couple of guys walked past the table and asked Gabriel if he’d finally found a boyfriend. I turned back around and saw that Gabriel was red-faced.

  “Gabriel,” I said cautiously and put my hand on his shoulder. He turned around, his face was defiant.

  “Yes, Ethan. I’m gay,” he said, almost petulantly. “And I think I’ve had about as much fun as I can stand today, so I’m going to head out.” He shrugged off my hand and started walking toward the house, but I followed him. When we were almost to the front door, I looked around to see if we were alone.

  “Would you like to have dinner sometime?” I blurted out. I’m not sure what made me say it, but once it was out there I wasn’t sorry that I had. Turning, he faced me with a hard expression.

  “What, you think that’s funny?” he asked, and then he must have seen something in my face because his face softened. “You’re serious, aren’t you? You mean like a date?” I nodded.

  “I… I had no idea you were… I think I’d like that,” he said gently.

  “I think I would too. I’ve… I’ve never been on a date before,” I stammered and he smiled.

  “I’d be honored to take you on your first date, Ethan. May I have your phone?” I handed it to him and he put his number in before I took his and did the same.

  As he closed the door, my mother came out from around the corner and hugged me gently. “I’m so happy that the two of you were able to reconnect. You were inseparable when you were younger. And, well…Gabriel’s been very hard on himself since you were taken. He always felt like it was his fault. That’s so much pressure for a child to bear.” We were interrupted by a chirp from my cell phone. I checked it to find a text from Jayden.

  Need reinforcements? Shall we call in the cavalry?

  I laughed, lighter and freer than I had in a very long time. With a strange expression, my mother looked at me, so I showed her the phone and she smiled. I’d seen her smile more that day than the entire two years I’d been there before I had left for college. It was refreshing, made her look younger and more like the woman I remembered.

  “Go, I’ll make your excuses. You’ve put in enough time, just…” she said, but trailed off as she put her small hand to my face. “Don’t wait so long to come home again, Ethan. Please?” I saw the pain in her eyes as she thought about not seeing me again, and I put my hand over hers.

  “How about I come to brunch every other Sunday while I’m in Chicago; even if it’s just to hang out with you beforehand?” I suggested and her face lit up. “I can’t guarantee that I’ll want to stay, but we’ll have some time together in any case.”

  “I’d like that, Ethan. I know your father would too,” she said kissing me softly on the cheek before walking me to the door.

  The drive back to Lexi and Jayden’s took the same amount of time, but it seemed longer. Unlike the trip to my parents’ house where I was dreading my arrival, and the trip took no time at all, I was anxious to get home. It was strange how little time it took for me to feel at home with them, even with their sub in the house. It just felt right being with them, I couldn’t explain it, even to myself.

  Chapter Twenty

  Journal Entry: Self-Awareness

  I am gay.

  There is still some conflict in my head as to how or when it happened, but there is no escaping the inevitable conclusion. I feel an attraction for Jayden, I feel an attraction for Gabriel, but I don’t feel that kind of encompassing pull towards Lexi, nor did I feel it with any other girls. I have known for some time, but haven’t let myself have that flash of realization until my mother told me that it was okay to have it. She helped me to discover that part of myself, and I think I’m grateful for it.

  I guess the only real question that I have is how am I able to have sex with women if I’m attracted to men? Does that make me bisexual? I’m sure that there are others that have pondered this question; that actually gives me some comfort – maybe I’m not too far from the norm after all. I have to look at it from a relationship standpoint, I guess. Would I want any kind of long-term relationship with a man? I think that I would. I could see myself being happy with a man. However, I could not, see myself in a long-term relationship with a woman. I could see sex, but not anything resembling a romantic connection. Maybe the definition of sexuality lies in the intent. I’m beginning to wonder if there are absolute lines for sexuality anyway. Are people really 100 percent gay or 100 percent straight, or do we all fall someplace in the middle?

  I got a text from Gabriel asking me if tomorrow was okay. I agreed, and now I have my first date.

  Lexi and I will certainly have to have a long discussion on making small talk. I’m nervous about taking that first step towards a normal relationship. Should I tell him that I’m a Dom? Would he be into that type of lifestyle? What if he isn’t? What if he has a dominant personality too? How do people deal with all of these different factors in a relationship? Is it just because my life is so much more complicated?

  I have a feeling it’s about to become a lot more complicated.

  “Ethan?” Lexi asked from the door. I looked up as she entered. “Something else happened at the brunch too, didn’t it? Something you don’t want to talk about in front of Jayden?” She was wickedly astute, it was always one of the things I liked most about her, certainly one of the things that had helped us to become friends. She always knew when I needed to talk, when I needed my friend Lexi instead of my sub Lexi. Sitting down in the chair on the other side of the side table, she pulled her legs up underneath her.

  “I have a date tomorrow,” I admitted and heard her gasp. “I know. It can’t surprise you any more than it does me.”

  “What’s her name?” Lexi asked, but from the inflection in her voice I could tell that she had a pretty good idea my date wasn’t with a woman.

  “Gabriel,” I said, unable to help the grin that accompanied it. I wasn’t grinning at the fact that I had a date, or that the date was with a guy – but the fact that she knew me so fucking well.

  “I doubt that you’ll have trouble finding something to talk about, Ethan. I’m sure you are both intelligent, articulate men with a shared past,” she said, and I knew my expression betrayed my nervousness. “Okay, if all else fails, try to steer clear of religion, politics, and well… sex. It might not be a good idea to tell him about our lifestyle on the first date. But, if it looks like it’s going to go somewhere, you will h
ave to tell him eventually.” I had already come to that conclusion, even though I didn’t really expect the relationship to go anywhere.

  “What time is golden boy picking you up?” Jayden asked from the doorway. His voice was light with a measure of forced indifference, but his face betrayed his annoyance.

  “He’ll be here at ten,” I told him, curious about his mood. He had been fine last night while I told him about the time with my parents before the brunch, and he laughed at me having to fend off women between appetizers, but when I told him about Gabriel – he suddenly became…petulant. Lexi eyed him with incredulity and a bit of annoyance of her own.

  “You need to be more supportive,” she told him as she sighed and took his hand.

  “We don’t know anything about this guy, about his motivations for going out with Ethan,” he challenged sharply. “I just don’t want to see all of the progress he’s made wasted because he got hurt by some pretty boy. I mean, who goes on a date at ten o’clock on a Monday morning?” he asked scathingly to the room at large. “Doesn’t golden boy have a job?”

  “First of all,” I began, utterly exasperated, “stop talking about me like I’m not standing right in front of you. It pisses me off. Next, I asked him, he didn’t ask me. I have no idea why he’d want to spend time with a damaged freak, but he does. I think I’m old enough to decide who to befriend, or who to… date. And lastly – he’s a junior partner in a law firm, which for twenty-nine isn’t too fucking shabby. He took the day off to spend with me. He’s excited about finding his friend again. Is that so fucking awful?” By the time I finished, Jayden was looking at the floor.

  Sighing, I walked over to him, and resting my hands on his shoulders I said, “I appreciate that you’re concerned about me.” He looked up and for a moment I saw some other emotion flicker across his face, but it was quickly gone. “It means everything to me that you and Lexi are here for me, supporting me – but I think… I think I need this.” He nodded, obviously hearing the note of sincerity, the almost pleading tone, in my voice.