Broken Like Glass

by E. J. McCay

  I drag my eyes from his direction as he puts out a cigarette and focus on Fancy’s eyes. “No, not that I can recall, but he gives me the shivers.”

  Fancy hooks a look over her shoulder in Marlin’s direction and says, “You’d tell me if there was, though, right?”

  “Yeah, Fancy, I would.”

  “You want rum again?”

  “No. I just want a soda today.”

  “You came to a bar for a soda?”

  “Yeah, all those white sheep won’t suffer a chance of being caught in here with all us black sheep. I can’t handle them right now.”

  Fancy snorts and walks off. She returns with a large glass filled with fizzy soda and a thin straw. “I ran out of the big straws. Not sure if you want to use the little one, but I stuck it in there in case ya did. You want some company? I’ve dried about all the glass I can handle for now.”

  I shrug. “Sure. I got nothing pressing.”

  Fancy walks back to the bar and comes back to the table with a glass full with what I suspect is beer from the tap. She takes a drink as she sits down in the chair across from me. “So, what’s on your mind Lillian James?”

  “I just came from therapy. I don’t need any more thinkin’. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”

  “Oh, Lilly, you know, there’s some things a person ain’t supposed to talk about.”

  “But I was supposed to tell you what’s on my mind?” I pull out the tiny eye-poker straw, lick the soda off, and stick it in my mouth like a toothpick.

  “Seems like you the one with all the thinking that needs spillin’.”

  I snort and then I look at her serious. “Fancy, do you remember my momma?”

  “Of course, I do, Lilly. I loved your momma. We was good friends.”

  She’s right. I do remember them being good friends. How that is, I don’t know because Fancy was a good twenty or so years younger than my momma. I’d ask, but Fancy is known for being quite nasty about the age thing. If you ask her she is always turning twenty-five.

  “Could you tell me about her?”

  Fancy leans back in the chair and takes a good swig of her beer. “Oh, child,” she says with a whistle, “your momma was a wild woman the first time I met her. She’d just left her first husband and rolled into town with two little boys. I babysat for her when she’d work for Montgomery Ward in the town over. The boys would go to school and I’d pick them up in the afternoon.”

  “I met her momma a handful of times. She was a sweet woman. You know she’s who you’re named after, right?”

  “Yeah, I know. From what I remember, everyone loved her.”

  “Oh, yeah, Lillian was a gentle, sweet woman. Everyone she met loved her. I guess your momma got her sass from somewhere further up the tree.”

  I roll my eyes.

  “That sass right there, Lillian Louise James.”

  I snap my eyes to her. “Don’t you use my middle name. I’ll bite you!”

  Fancy sat up straight in the chair, puffed out her chest, and smiled. “I’d like to see you try it, missy,” she teased. “Anyway, you know she was married before your daddy, right?”

  “I know she was married three times. I don’t know anything about the second one.”

  “After she married your biological grandpa, which by the way, he was a complete drunk. Worthless piece of a man. I met him once and that was all I needed. Your momma left him and she was right to do so. Drunk skunk, he was.”

  “What about the second fella?”

  “Oh, he was a one and done. She married him and then met your daddy. That fella didn’t stand a chance.”

  “How long were they married?”

  “Oh, couple months. Then your momma started seeing your daddy. She loved George. Back in the day, he was as fine as a man could be. Tall, dark, dangerous, mean as a snake to anyone he didn’t like.”

  I keep my mouth shut and my expressions to myself.

  “Lula met George and that was all she wrote. Started seeing him before she even divorced the second fella. Oh, and did she get looks, but your momma didn’t care. Lula would see people giving her the eye, and she’d straighten her back and give them the eye right back.”

  “Sounds like momma.”

  “Girl, you don’t know the half of it. By the time you came along she’d found Jesus. Even He couldn’t tame her all the way. The mouth on Lula. You’re just like her. You gotta mouth too.”

  I pinch my lips together and squint my eyes, giving her the mean face.

  She takes a drink and waves me off, laughing. “Oh, sometimes it’s good to have a mouth, but back to your momma and daddy.”

  I nod my head.

  “George ran moonshine. Did you know that?”

  “No way.”

  “Sure’nuff, he did. He had a still in the woods north of here. Your momma begged him to stop so he did. He’d done anything for your momma. Well, ‘sides loving those boys. He never did like boys. He’d say so too. You know you got a half-brother somewhere that’s his. That boy is a lot older than you and he lives somewhere up North East. I never met him and they never talked about him much.”

  I’m slack-jawed. “I never heard that before.”

  “Lula was a jealous woman and George was a good looking man with an eye for the ladies. Your momma put her collar on him and she’d yank his leash anytime his eyes got too close to someone else’s fire hydrant.”

  “I sorta knew all that.”

  “Did you know she clocked someone with her purse at the Denny’s in the town over one time?”

  Again, my mouth drops open. “No. Way.”

  “Oh, honey, she didn’t know what hit her. Your momma walked in on George having breakfast with her after being gone all night long. Lula walks into that Denny’s, takes her purse, and just knocks the ever livin’ snot out of her. Wouldn’t have been so bad if Lula hadn’t carried a .38 special in it. She flat out cold cocked her. Your momma was so mad, her whole face it lit up like a red street light. Lula storms out of the restaurant and the manager comes running out after her and starts telling her she can’t do that. Lula pulls that gun out and says, ‘You got something to say?’”

  “My momma?”

  “Oh yeah, your momma. You think all that sass and attitude comes from you? Nah, honey, you come by it honestly.”

  “How do you know all this?”

  “’Cause I was sitting at Denny’s eating breakfast with my folks when she did it. I saw the whole dang thing. If I had still been babysitting my folks would have made me quit.”

  “Now that I would have liked to see.”

  “The town talked for months, but your daddy didn’t go havin’ breakfast with no one after that I can tell you that. And if he did, he didn’t do it where Lula knew.”

  “I suspect my momma knew if he did, she just toned it down.”

  “Hmmm, I’m don’t know about that. There’s only so much Jesus can do with Lula Mae James.”

  I sit back in my chair and think about the months before momma died. I remember her sitting me down, telling me she had bone cancer. She was diagnosed in August and by January, we were burying her. Right before my high school graduation. Even thinking back now, I was sad she was sick, but her not being at my graduation didn’t affect me none.

  “She was real different before she died. All frail and kind and sweet.”

  “Lilly, death is a weird thing and when you know it’s coming for you, you change your ways real quick. Not saying Jesus didn’t, but He sure had His work cut for Him with her.”

  “I’m not sad she’s gone.”

  Fancy looks at me, no expression, not even surprise. She throws back what’s left of her beer and says, “I know. I’ve known. I saw you at the funeral. I think you were sad, but I had a feeling you weren’t going to miss her. You two had a tumultuous relationship at best. Most of it being her shielding you from George.”

  I can’t keep the dark shadow from passing across my face when she mentions my daddy. “I can
’t talk about him right now.”

  Fancy nods. “No, I don’t guessin’ you do.” Kettlefish has started filling in and Fancy looks at the clock behind the bar. The time has flown and I’ve sat here most of the day talking to Fancy about my momma. It helps that my therapy sessions don’t happen til eleven each day.

  My soda is watered down and Fancy takes my glass with her when she goes and I shuffle out. I got no desire to deal with the regular crowd.

  Chapter Seventeen

  That night I’m sitting on the deck, sipping on a soda, taking in the night air when I hear a knock on the door. It’s dark enough out I can’t see more than jeans. I holler, “Come in.” I figure if someone’s here to kill me they wouldn’t knock to start with.

  “Hey, good looking,” Uriah says as he comes in the door.

  “Yeah, I’m so hot the sun’s taking notes.”

  Uriah laughs and I wonder if I’ll ever get tired of it. “Well, at least you’re in good spirits. How did your therapy session go?”

  “Fine. I guess. Chrissy seemed satisfied.”

  “I’m sorry I wasn’t around today. Mama had me on the roof fixing shingles. That last bad wind storm really nailed the house.”

  I glance sideways at him. “I lived.”

  He smiles. “Yeah, but only partly.”

  “Shut up, Uriah,” I tease him.

  “Can you tell me what you told Chrissy?”

  Sadness settles on me. “I can, but you’ll think less of me.”

  “No, I won’t.”

  “Yeah, you will. You say you won’t, but deep down, the parts where it counts, you will.”

  Uriah takes a long breath and stays quiet a minute. I think he’s finally going to agree with me, get up, and never come back. Instead, he says, “Lillian, I don’t know how long it will take or what it will take, but I promise you I’ll never think less of you.”

  I just nod like I accept what he’s saying as gospel, but I know. I know he’s only saying it cause he’s trying to be nice. That’s Uriah. He’s always been like that. When we were kids, he’s the kid that everyone loved. He just had this way of making everyone feel special. It’s why I crushed on him.

  “I know what you’re thinking Lillian. I can hear your thoughts playing like cymbals, but I meant what I said.”

  “All right. So you say.”

  “So, talk.”

  “I don’t miss my momma. Never have, don’t now, and probably never will. We just didn’t have a relationship built that way and it’s just the way it is.”

  “What’d Chrissy say?”

  “She said it’s okay to feel like that, but don’t be angry.”

  “She’s right. Did you tell her about being kidnapped?”

  “No.”

  “Why?”

  “She didn’t ask.”

  “Chrissy didn’t know to ask. No one knew to ask.”

  I shrug. “I know, but I didn’t want to tell her.”

  “You need to. That’s something important to know.”

  “I don’t want to tell her.” My agitation level rises with every press.

  “Don’t you go gettin’ mad at me, Lillian James.”

  I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at what happened while my momma took me. I don’t want to tell what happened and if I tell her I was taken, she’ll ask. If she asks then I’ll be forced to tell.

  “I’m not,” I say sharply.

  “Sure sounds it.”

  “Leave me alone, Uriah.”

  “I won’t.”

  Papa, give me the good graces to not throw my soda bottle at this man.

  “What happened to you while you were with your biological mom that’s made you so defensive and mad?”

  I thought Papa was the only one with sharp fingers. Uriah has touched a spot I’m not comfortable with at all. I don’t want to tell. I told momma and she told me to never talk about it again. So I didn’t. I’ve kept it to myself for twenty-nine years and now I’m being asked to talk about it.

  Tears spring to my eyes. I look away from Uriah ‘cause I don’t want to cry in front of him again. I hate crying. It makes me feel weak and exposed and useless.

  Uriah whistles. “It must have been pretty bad.”

  “You don’t know nothin’.”

  “I’ve killed four people,” Uriah says softly.

  I jerk my head toward him. “You said you were a chaplain.”

  “I was.” He takes a deep breath, gets up, and goes to the kitchen. He pulls out a soda and comes back. “I’m glad I got these, but man I wish I’d have gotten something stronger.”

  “I’ve thought the exact same thing several times.”

  Uriah laughs, but it’s half-hearted. “You aren’t the only one with secrets, you know.”

  “I know, but I was told to never tell my secrets.”

  “Your momma?”

  “Yeah. She said never tell anyone and I haven’t. I don’t know if I can.”

  “How about we start small then? How about you tell me other stuff? That way you can see if I’m good at keeping secrets. I’ll tell you mine first, though. That way you have leverage.”

  “You don’t have to do that, Uriah.”

  “I know, but I want to. Maybe if I tell my secrets, my shoulders won’t feel so heavy.”

  “Okay.” I stick my feet up on the railing and settle in for secrets. “I’ll never tell a soul. I’ll be like a bank lock box where things come in and they never go out unless it’s to the person it belongs to.”

  He smiles. “Deal. Okay. So, after high school, I joined the Army and went to basic training in Fort Benning in Georgia. It was nine weeks of the toughest training I had ever experienced, but I loved it.”

  “Can’t disagree.”

  “Shut up, Lills and listen,” he teased. “So, I spend my nine weeks there, and that August, Iraqi forces invade Northern Iraq. I’m so young and I think if I go over there as a Chaplain, I won’t have to worry about fighting and all that. I’ll just stay behind the lines, content with being a ear for the infantry.”

  Uriah scratches the back of his head and chuckles. “I was such an idiot. Anyway, I’m stationed over there, none of them see any real fighting the first couple of months. Most of my time is spent playing cards or listening to the men talk about how they miss home or thier girlfriends, wives, and kids.”

  “One night, we’re at the base. It’s pitch dark in that desert and we’re all sleeping when booms go off. Iraqi forces are bombing our camp and people are running all over the place trying to take cover. They break through and me and my unit haven’t seen any action to this point. All that training you think will prepare you for war, doesn’t prepare you for much at all when you’re face to face with a group of people who want nothing more than to kill you.”

  “So, me and my buddies find what we think is good cover, but those Iraq forces just keep pushing through. They get into a firefight and me and two other guys are the only ones to walk away. I killed four men that night. I was only eighteen and I had enough blood on my hands to fill a tub. I may not have wanted to fight, but those forces pushing through didn’t care what I wanted or thought.”

  “Seems like you handled it pretty well.”

  “No, Lilly, I didn’t. I killed people. I still see their faces sometimes when I close my eyes and try to sleep. It took a while and lots of praying.”

  “How long were you over there?”

  “About six years. I love being in the military. I knew what I was signing up for, but knowing and knowing is two different things. I did two tours, and then they let me come back to the states.”

  “Why didn’t you get out that after your first time was up?”

  Uriah smiled. “It was where I was supposed to be.”

  “Are you sure you aren’t going to re-enlist?”

  Uriah shook his head and looked out into the forest. “Nah, I’m done. I like being at home, letting my hair grow out, and seeing my momma.”

  “So you aren’t leaving Foami
ng Springs again?”

  “No, I’m home and this is where I’m staying.”

  That revelation breaks my heart. I can’t stay in Foaming Springs.

  “You’re staying after your therapy right?”

  “No.”

  “I’m here. The town’s not so bad.” It almost sounds like a plea.

  “I can’t stay here. Ever. Once I’m free, I’m gone.”

  “But Lilly, this is home.”

  “Not for me it isn’t. I won’t stay here. My daddy lives here, I’ll never be able to grocery shop again, and, Uriah, I just can’t.” The words come out in rapid fire.

  He stands. It’s pitch dark now. Frogs croaking, crickets chirping, and other various animal songs are playing and I can’t see his hurt, but I feel it. “I have to go, Lilly,” he says softly and now I hear the hurt too.

  I don’t say anything, but there’s a part of me that wants to say, “See I told you so.”

  “I’ll see you later, okay?”

  “Sure, Uriah, I’ll see you later.”

  Guess he didn’t need to know about my secrets after all which is fine by me. I didn’t really want to tell them anyway.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The next few weeks, I go to my therapy, work on Chrissy’s homework assignments, and hang out in my cabin. I stay away from the church, and to my not-surprise, I’m not invited either. I have a sinking suspicion that people are pretty happy I decided to stay home too.

  My groceries are getting slim though and I’m almost feeling a little desperate when I run into Bo on a Wednesday after my therapy session. He offers to do some shopping for me and I thank Papa for the save. Bo says he’ll bring them tonight. The case he’s working on is keeping him busy. Judge Kringle isn’t budging on letting my car out. I’m still a flight risk. Wonder if he’d cuff my ankles if he knew how much I love walking.

  I have yet to run into my daddy. I’m thankful for that, too.

  The only thing I’m not thankful for is Uriah’s absence which is achingly painful. I’ve seen neither hide nor hair of him since that night in the cabin. My “I told ya so” feels hollow now that he’s gone. Guess it’s just as well. Better to hurt a little now than hurt a lot later.