by Chloe Walsh
But the best thing about the past month was the fact that Derek was currently snoring his head off in his new room in our basement. Thank god…He wasn’t anywhere close to his old self, but he was getting there. Baby steps… He was eating three meals a day again–courtesy of Chef Carter–and he hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since the night Kyle brought him home. He spent a lot of his time tucked away in his room, but at least he was with us. For now, that was the most we could ask from him. I never found out what happened between Derek and David, and neither had Kyle. We'd both–on several occasions–tried to coax it out of him, but Derek wasn’t talking…
Christmas had been a quiet event, just the three of us and Hope. The same went for New Years. For Hope's benefit, we had put up a tree, but none of us were really feeling festive. Derek had struggled with it being his first Christmas in five years without Cam. I'd silently mourned the one year anniversary of miscarrying our baby, and Kyle…Kyle had spent half the day arguing on the phone with Linda's sister, Patty. According to Patty, Linda had flown out to Michigan to spend the holidays with her family, but every time Kyle phoned to speak to Linda, Patty had fed him excuse after flimsy excuse. He'd tried to hide his pain, but I knew he was hurting…All three of us had been in apprehensive moods that day and ended up eating pizza instead of turkey We'd celebrated bringing in the new year with a game of monopoly–Kyle had kicked our butts–and I was beginning to think that we were making our own tradition of boycotting tradition…
"If it has to do with tasting more of your cookies, then no, Lee. They suck, baby," Kyle chuckled as he grinned at me. His nose was red, his hair was covered with a gray beanie hat, and I wanted to growl in appreciation. I sent a small prayer up to his momma, thanking her for creating such a beautiful man.
"It doesn’t, but the cookies weren’t that bad, Kyle," I said, even though I knew they were. I had attempted to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies last night, and I really didn't know what happened, but somewhere during the process I'd made a terrible mistake with ingredients and Kyle, being my taste-tester, had ended up in the bathroom with his head in the toilet bowl for the best part of an hour.
"Tell that to my stomach," he muttered as he gave Hope another push. "So, what's your question?"
"I was just wondering if you ever think about the other baby." I wasn’t sure whether I should bring it up or not. It was a raw subject for both of us, but for Kyle the topic of my miscarriage was taboo. I knew he felt responsible, and in the past I'd selfishly put the blame on him. It wasn't his fault though. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was…it just was. I didn't want to say it was just one of those things, because that phrase disgusted me. It wasn't just one of those things. I thought about the baby I'd lost every time I looked at Hope.
Kyle's hand faltered for a moment before he continued to push Hope. "Yeah, princess, I do." He sighed heavily. "Every day."
"Really?" I whispered, feeling deeply comforted with the knowledge that we were both in this together. He felt it too. We felt the same pain. We were connected through it.
Pushing Hope once more, Kyle stepped away from the swing and came and sat beside me. Wrapping his arm around my shoulders, he kicked his foot on the grass, making our swing move gently. "I think about whether they would have been identical…hair color, eye color, temperament…I think about all of it, Lee," he said quietly. "I think he would have been a boy."
"So do I," I whispered as I placed my hand on his denim-clad thigh. "Do you ever feel like we were robbed, Kyle?"
"Constantly," he replied, his arm tightening around me as he stared straight ahead, his eyes locked on our baby. "I look at Hope now, and all I can think of…is my son should be sitting on the swing beside my daughter."
"I love you, Kyle," I told him as I tucked into his warmth.
He chuckled softly before saying, "Ah, but will you still love me later?"
"Why?" I eyed him suspiciously. "What are you planning?"
"Lesson number ten," he said with a grin. "How to change gears without fucking up the clutch of my car…maybe this time you won't take out half the house."
"It was one flower pot, Kyle," I retorted as excitement bubbled inside of me. Kyle had started teaching me to drive a few weeks ago and he was referring to the one teeny-tiny incident we happened to have–which had been his fault in the first place. He pulled the damn wheel when I was trying to shift gears. Yeah, I was a little close to the house, but I had it totally under control until he started to scream like a girl, claiming that I was going to drive into the side of the house. If his car was an automatic it might be easier to learn, but no, of course, Kyle freaking Carter was old school and had to drive a top of the range manual Mercedes Benz…
"It was four fucking flower pots and half the goddamn hedge," he growled as he jerked off the swing and stalked over to where Hope was now fussing. "Actually, forget the lessons," he said in a teasing tone. "I happen to value my body…"
"Ha," I snorted as I stood up and followed him. "I have my permit, remember? You can't stop me now."
****
Kyle
This was a mistake. This was a huge motherfucking mistake and I was fairly certain I was going to die. My only consolation was that my daughter would live on in my memory, because I had a feeling her mother was about to kill me…
"Slow down," I said as calmly as I could, covering my eyes when Lee took the corner of our driveway with more speed than required on a goddamn race-track. "It's dark, Lee. It's icy. Jesus Christ, you need to slow down."
"I'm trying," she growled as she furrowed her brow in concentration and if I wasn’t so worried about staying alive, I would be seriously turned on by how hot Lee looked driving my car… "It won't shift," she hissed as she pulled hard on the gearshift. "It won't freaking shift, Kyle."
"Press your foot on the clutch pedal," I shouted. The car lunged forward. "No, Lee…No…goddammit, take your foot off the gas." Oh sweet Jesus, I covered my face as the car veered dangerously close to a tree. "Keep your eyes on the fucking road, baby."
"Stop shouting at me, Kyle." She gripped the wheel tighter and swerved away before pulling to a stop and killing the engine. "I can’t do this with you," she snapped as she unfastened her seatbelt and climbed out of the car. "You make me nervous." She slammed the car door shut before marching off towards the house.
"Good," I shouted as I climbed out and stalked after her and followed her inside. "When you're behind the wheel of a ten thousand pound death machine you should be nervous."
"You have zero patience, Kyle," Lee growled as she stormed into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
"You two at it again?" Derek chuckled from behind me and I swung around to grin at him.
"You know what they say, Der," I said before winking at Lee. "The bigger the fight, the better the fu…"
"Don't you dare say that word, Kyle Carter," Lee hissed as she slammed the refrigerator door and poked me in the stomach. "We've talked about this. Some things are private."
"Yeah, Kyle," Derek said in a sarcastic tone as he leaned against the doorframe. "I think the phrase you're looking for is break her bed, not her heart." We both burst out laughing and Lee threw her hands in the air in obvious frustration.
"Oh my god," she growled as she stormed past the both of us. "You're both as bad as each other."
"Good to have you home, man," I chuckled as I slapped him on the back.
"Yeah," he said with–what I hoped was–a contented sigh. "It's good to be home."
****
Lee
"How are you so fit?" I asked Kyle when he came out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. I was sprawled across our bed ogling him shamelessly. Twisting onto my stomach, I looked up and asked, "How do you keep your body so…tight?"
"I swim," he replied, giving me a look that said this was the stupidest question I'd ever asked him.
"You do?" I asked resting my elbows on our bed and my chin on my hands. "Where?"
Kyle frowned at me for a mome
nt before he dropped his towel. "The hotel pool," he said as he slipped on a pair of white boxer shorts. God, he was so beautiful…the white of his shorts emphasized his golden skin. "How do you not know this?"
"I didn't know," I said defensively. I didn't know a lot of things about Kyle's life and it bothered me. "I guess so much has happened in the past year that we've never really taken the time to learn the little things."
"You're right," Kyle said after a moment. Pulling back the covers, he climbed into bed and shifted me onto my back. He rested on his side and leaned over me. Trailing his fingers up and down my arm, he whispered, "I want to learn the little things, too."
"First kiss?" I asked him as I turned on my side to face him.
"You're my last," was all he said before kissing my nose. He probably didn't remember and to be honest I didn't want to know. I shouldn't have touched that one…
"You're my first and last," I told him anyway. I didn't count Perry Franklin's rough mouth trying to kiss me. It didn't count. Not anymore.
"Favorite band?" Kyle asked as he laced his fingers through mine.
"Kings of Leon," I told him. "Luke Bryan is my favorite singer."
"My little country girl," he teased as he drew me closer to him. "What was your best day," he asked before adding, "And you can't use the day Hope was born."
"It's going to sound bad," I said nervously. It sounded freaking terrible in my head. "You'll think I'm crazy."
"I won't think you're crazy," he said before smirking. "Well, no more than I already do…"
I poked him in the belly. "Fine. I'm not telling you."
"I'm joking," he chuckled. "Come on, baby."
"It was the day I was shot," I told him. Kyle's whole body tensed. "Not the getting shot part," I added quickly. "Everything before that." I rolled onto my back and sighed. "Remember that day, Kyle?"
"I haven't thought much about it, Lee," he said in a gruff tone. Lying on his back, he rubbed his face with his hands. "I try not to."
"We had the best day," I whispered. "We did."
We lay side by side in silence until Kyle finally spoke. "I remember you waking me up with burnt pancakes." He chuckled softly. "You also burned the omelets for lunch, but I ate them anyway because you looked so adorable with flour on your cheeks." He sighed heavily before adding, "Nearly choked on a piece of shell, too."
"I was so excited that day." I turned my face to smile at him. He was already looking at me with such love in his eyes that my heart started to hammer in my chest. "I was going to ask you to repeat the question that day, Kyle. I spent that entire day in a state of euphoria because I knew you loved me and I trusted you. After all the drama and our rough start…we had finally made it." I twisted on my side and stroked his cheek. He shivered under my touch and dragged me on top of him. "It was my best day because of you."
"Until everything went to shit," he mumbled.
"Yeah," I sighed and rested my head on his chest. "Until everything went to shit."
He held me tightly to his chest for a long time before speaking. "You faze out sometimes, baby. Did you realize that you've been doing that?" My face reddened and I was glad it was dark so Kyle couldn't see my embarrassment. I hadn't realized I did that in front of people. "Where do you go, Lee?" he murmured. "Where do you go inside that head of yours?"
"If I'm having a bad day, I sometimes ask Cam for advice," I confessed.
Kyle's arms tightened around me. "Princess…"
"I'm not crazy," I whispered defensively. "I know she's dead, but sometimes I feel incredibly lonely and I miss her so much... She was my best friend, Kyle, and now she's dead. Sometimes I like to pretend she's still with me."
"You're lonely?" Kyle asked and I could hear the hurt in his voice. I didn't want to hurt him, but I wasn't going to lie to him either.
"Yes," I said quietly. "All I have is you, Derek and Hope. And I love the three of you with all my heart, but it's been tough without her. Before you, she was all I ever had. And now you're all I have." I kissed his chest. "You're all I want."
"How can I fix this for you?" he asked in a desperate tone. "How can I make you happy again?"
"You can't fix grief, Kyle," I whispered. "And you do make me happy. I smile through my sadness because of you."
Kyle stroked my small circles on my lower back. "I've been thinking…"
"Yeah," I whispered when he stopped mid-sentence.
He paused for a long moment before saying, "I think we should have another baby."
Seven words was all it took to kick me into flight mode.
"You're kidding, right?" I whispered as I waited for him to laugh. He didn't.
"No, I'm not."
My mouth fell open as I scrambled off his chest and gaped at him. Oh my god, he looked serious. His blue eyes held no humor. Shit, he was deadly serious. "Tell me you didn't just say we should have another baby," I begged as anxiety tore at my gut. I prayed he was joking.
Kyle shrugged as he pulled himself into a sitting position. Reaching for my hand, he stroked his thumb over my knuckles. "Calm down. I didn't mean right this instant. I was talking about the future, maybe a year or two. After we're married. It would be nice for Hope to have sisters and brothers."
Sisters and brothers? Plural?
I shook my head in disbelief. "No," I whispered. "No way, Kyle."
His brow furrowed as he stared at me challengingly. "Why not?"
"Because I can't," I almost shouted. Aware that Hope was sleeping down the hall from us, I lowered my voice and threw my hands up in frustration. "You know I can't have more children. Why would you even suggest this? You know it's impossible."
"It's less likely, Lee," he said calmly. "But it's not impossible. No one said it was impossible. You heard what Dr. Michaels said. You're getting better. Maybe things will start…happening again."
Climbing off the bed, I paced the floor as I tried to calm myself down. I couldn't have more children. I physically couldn't and the thought of going through all of that…the miscarriage. The pain and the fear… My head was spinning with the fear that he wanted more children. Where was this coming from? Kyle wanted more children? I thought he was joking a few weeks back…He wanted more and I couldn't give him more than I already had. Did I even want more children? Another child with Kyle? My heart fluttered in excitement and I mentally slammed my fist down on the small feeling of joy that was attempting to possess me. Heck, I threw my bible at it. I was not going there. No getting my hopes up. I needed to be logical…rational. What I wanted and what I could have were two very different things…
"There will be no more babies," I said shakily as I swung around and faced him. "If you want another child you'll have to find a better model with all her bodily organs intact. A woman who's not broken."
"Don't you dare pull that crap with me," he snapped as he threw the covers off himself and jumped out of bed. "Is that what you think of me?" he demanded as he stood in front of me. "That I'd fucking leave you after everything we've been through? Dammit, why would you even think like that?"
"Why would you ask me to give you something you know I'm not physically capable of giving you?" I shot back. My whole body was shaking. I had never anticipated having this conversation with Kyle. I couldn't comprehend why he was bringing this up. Fear ripped through me. "I can't give you more children, Kyle," I said with a sigh. Walking over to the bed, I sank down on it and rubbed my head with my hand. "I love you so much…but if having more children is a deal breaker for you then you need to tell me now before…"
"Jesus Christ, you piss me off worse than any woman I've ever met," he growled as he paced the room. "Deal breaker my ass." He swung around to glare at me. "Do you seriously think I would, that I even could, walk away from you?"
I shook my head and sighed. "You said…"
"No, you freaked the fuck out before I had a chance to speak," he countered. Sighing heavily, he came over to where I was sitting and crouched in front of me. "I meant we could try, Lee. I
t doesn't have to be right away and it's not a fucking deal breaker for me if it doesn't happen."
"I. Can't. Get. Pregnant," I said slowly enunciating each word. "I haven't had a period since before I fell pregnant with the tw…with Hope. You know this. I don't work right anymore. I thought you understood that. I didn't realize you were…broody."
"Bullshit," he said in a softer tone. "You know I love our daughter. You know I want to have a family with you. So, what's the real problem here, princess?"
"I'm afraid," I admitted. I was. He had scared the life out of me with that request. This was just the first in a long list of things he'd realize I either couldn't do or wasn't good enough to do. "You've just stated something you want that's not going to happen for us. I know you mentioned having more children when you proposed, but I…Oh god, Kyle, how many other things will there be that we won't be compatible? What if we hit a wall? One we can't break through."
"I'm not going to leave you, Lee," he told me as he stared into my eyes. "Ever. You need to stop over-thinking things. I'm in and I'm not backing out. I am in, Lee. One hundred percent. I'll break down any goddamn walls that stack up against us. Even the ones you put up to block me out."
"I'm sorry," I whispered as a huge wave of guilt flooded me. "If I could give you more children I would." I bit down on my thumb as I tried to think of how to phrase my feelings. "I'm worried I'm not enough. What if I'm not enough?"
Shaking his head, Kyle moved to sit beside me. "You're enough for me, Lee Bennett. Believe me, you're more than enough," he whispered as he rested his hand on my thigh. "Do you know what my best day was?"
"I have a fair idea," I muttered nervously. "The day Hope was born."
"Apart from that," he shot back with a crooked smile. "My best day was as screwed up as yours. It was my best and worst. It was the night I walked into that hospital room and saw you curled in ball pretending to be asleep."
My mind worked at a furious pace as I tried to register which incident he was talking about. We had so many hospital incidents it was hard to pin point which one he was thinking of.