A Phule and his Money

by Robert Asprin; Peter J. Heck

  Beeker raised his hand and said, diffidently, "Sir, if I may be so forward, I would suggest that the difficulties with the Dilithium Express account ought to take precedence over all other problems. The person capable of manipulating that account is by a substantial margin your most dangerous adversary."

  "That's a good point, Beeker," said Phule. The others in the room nodded. Despite Beeker's admitted ignorance of military matters, his grasp of broader issues had earned him their respect. He offered his opinion infrequently, but when he chose to do so, he was listened to.

  "It's a very good point," Phule continued, "but I suspect it'll resolve itself in due time. Meanwhile, you're all overlooking our real mission."

  "Say again, Captain?" asked Brandy. She had long ago come to the conclusion that Phule had memorized all the military textbooks ever written, and was systematically breaking every rule contained in them. His resounding success was proof positive that all those rules were utter nonsense. But of course, every sergeant knew that already. That didn't mean they didn't have to be enforced, of course. When you'd gotten your people trained to do exactly what you said, even though they all knew it was completely senseless, then you could get them to fight for you. Military organizations had worked that way since the dawn of time. Sometimes Brandy suspected that by the time Phule was finished, even that central tenet of the military might be revised...

  She realized that the pause had been growing uncomfortably long, and that Phule was looking at her with expectation on his face. "Sergeant, we have new recruits," he said. "Don't you think you need to get busy showing them how we do things in the Legion?"

  Armstrong was flabbergasted. "Sir, do you really intend to ignore these crises? Any one of them could destroy everything we're doing here."

  "I don't intend to ignore them, Armstrong," Phule said quietly. "But unless everything goes wrong at once, these crises will be over in a matter of days. Our recruits will be with us a good deal longer than that--possibly for the rest of their careers. The continued success of this company depends on how well we train them. Lucky for us, we've gotten hold of them before they've been set on the wrong path by some other outfit."

  "Captain, does that include the Gambolts?" asked Brandy. She'd seen Garbo capture the fleeing Zenobian, almost without effort. The Gambolt had been uncannily agile--and faster than any human she'd ever seen. "Everybody knows they're the best hand-to-hand fighters in the galaxy..."

  "They may be Gambolts, but they're untrained Gambolts, Brandy," said Phule patiently. "You should know that training is the difference between a military force and a mob. We've made our reputation by making great legionnaires out of other outfits' rejects. Now we've finally got a chance to train our people from the ground up. Why don't we all get to work turning them into legionnaires?"

  "Yes, sir!" exclaimed Armstrong. His expression suggested that he disagreed with Phule's priorities, but he was too good an officer to say so out loud. Besides, Phule's decisions had a way of turning out right, despite the odds. He hoped the odds hadn't finally caught up with them...

  "Great Gazma, it is a pleasure your acquaintance to make again, Captain Clown!"

  Flight Leftenant Qual looked elegant in his custom-made black dress uniform. Except for his height--a bit under one meter tall--he might well have been a regular Legion officer. Of course, the Fat Chance Casino's four-star dining room had not had any trouble seating the diminutive alien. Their stock in trade was their ability to seat and feed a member of any known civilized race. Given that this was their first visit by a Zenobian, they had done remarkably well--a hammocklike device adapted one of their regular armchairs to fit him very comfortably.

  "I have to admit it was a pleasant surprise when I learned that it was you who was being assigned to my unit as a military observer," said Phule. He did not normally eat at the casino's elite restaurant, although of course as majority owner it was his right--and would have cost him nothing. But Mess Sergeant Escrima was every bit as good a cook as the Fat Chance's master chef, and Phule could settle down to a meal of Escrima's cooking with far less fuss and expenditure of working time--he could sit there reading a report, or carry his plate over to another table to talk with his people without causing a disturbance. Nor was there any problem getting seconds...

  But tonight was a special occasion: Phule and his officers were formally welcoming the Zenobian visitor, and it seemed appropriate to put on a bit of extra formality. The gleaming silverware, snowy-white linen, bone china and twenty-page wine list might not impress Qual in the same way they would a human visitor, but the little alien could easily recognize that he was being given a first-class reception by his hosts.

  And, in fact, Qual was evidently enjoying himself. He sloshed a generous dollop of wasabi on a bit of tuna rolled in seaweed and popped it in his mouth. It had been agreed after a hasty conference that seeing the Zenobian bolting down live food--his race's normal fare--might disconcert the other customers (not to mention his tablemates). But the chef was resourceful, and Qual had been perfectly willing to compromise on raw fish for the occasion--"After all, a soldier must accustom himself to hardship," he had said, with what the translator chose to render as a chuckle. Noting Armstrong's struggles to get the food past his nose, Phule decided it was a chuckle. Lieutenant Armstrong was not an adventurous man, especially when it came to eating.

  "I hope you and your troops have pardoned my little prank this afternoon," said Qual, his translated voice coming through with a remarkably polished accent for all its occasional bizarre word-choices. "One of the first things one would like to grasp about unfamiliar troops is their reaction to the unexpected, and immediately upon arrival, before anyone knows what is occurring, is a splendid opening to observe this."

  "Undoubtedly," said Lieutenant Armstrong, staring at his plate with the expression of a man who was wishing for a medium-rare deluxe plasmaburger with a side of veg-e-chips. "However, it would have been considerate to alert the commander as to your intentions, if no one else."

  "Captain Clown was notified that I was to be assigned to his company, is that not exact?" said Qual, looking at Phule.

  "Yes, of course I was notified," said Phule. "General Blitzkrieg informed me some time back."

  "And he made my mission transparent?"

  Phule had to think for a beat before answering, "Yes, it was quite clear. You were coming to study our tactics... and ethics, I believe the general said. Now that I think about it, I'm not certain I entirely understood that last part."

  "Ah, but is it not self-evident, Captain Clown? Our races seek to conclude a treaty, and of course this would be a good thing. But we Zenobians want to know with whom we are about to treat, and what they are likely to do, and even more serious, whether they are likely to do what they say they will do. So I have come to study your company to learn all these things."

  It was impossible to read Qual's expression, and the translator was shaky at rendering the nuances of his tone. Phule wondered suddenly what would happen if Qual reported that the humans were untrustworthy. That was a sobering thought. Any number of very unpleasant results might follow a very simple misunderstanding with this alien envoy... He began to wonder if General Blitzkrieg had somehow manipulated him into this situation.

  Rembrandt had picked up the same train of thought. She paused with her wineglass in midair and asked, "Flight Leftenant, does this mean that your report on our company is going to determine whether or not your people will sign a treaty with us?"

  The Zenobian gulped down another chunk of raw seafood--his teeth were undeniably formidable-looking--and said, equably, "To be sure, Lieutenant, we place great gravity on trust and ethics. Of course, I am but one observer; there are others visiting your leaders in trade, in political realms--it is of importance that we know enough to decide wisely. Of course, it was felicitous that Captain Clown was the first of your species to meet us--his generosity opened the dining coop for what we hope will continue to be a very beneficial relationship." He
popped a handful of shrimp into his mouth and grinned--at least Phule hoped it was a grin. Except for his impeccably fitted Legion uniform, the alien resembled nothing quite so much as a miniature allosaur. The display of all those teeth might mean anything at all.

  But Qual's stated intentions were benign, and he was an official envoy of his species. Until there was evidence to the contrary, Phule and his officers would have to take him at his word. Even if Qual's table manners were not exactly comfortable to observe at close range...

  The dinner had left Phule very satisfactorily fed--along with a couple of glasses of excellent wine (Boordy Grand Cru Blanc, of an excellent vintage). It would have been tempting, after his event-filled day, for the captain to make an early night of it. But he had promised his officers he was not going to neglect the looming crises. He'd stop off in Comm Central, find out if there had been any new developments, and then see if he had any bright ideas for dealing with them.

  He had turned down the corridor to his destination and gone half a dozen strides when a voice from a shadowed alcove whispered to him: "Captain!"

  Phule turned and peered into the shadows, where a slim figure in civilian clothes lurked. "Sushi!" he said, anger in his voice. "What's going on? Do you know what's been happening around here?"

  "Some of it, sure, Captain," said Sushi, putting a finger to his lips. "Keep it down, though--we haven't got time to get anyplace more private, and if the wrong people overhear me, I'm in deep kimchee."

  "Some of us are beginning to think you're the wrong people," growled Phule, but he stepped into the alcove and lowered his voice. "Tell me everything--and it better be good."

  "It is good, Captain, very good," said Sushi, but there was a worried look on his face. "You've heard about the couple that came to the casino this afternoon?"

  "Yes. We still have the woman in custody, last I heard."

  "Oh, yeah," said Sushi. "That reminds me, you can let her go now."

  "I suppose you've got a good reason for that," Phule said, looking skeptical.

  "Sure, Captain. But let me start at the beginning. You remember how when I got these Yakuza tattoos you were all worried about what would happen if a real Yakuza member showed up?"

  Phule nodded. "I gather that's what happened today."

  "Right. But there's more to it than a family member just showing up," said Sushi. "Somebody here tipped them off about me. In fact, the guy came looking for me, ready to rearrange my internal organs into some nonfunctional pattern if he found out I was bogus."

  "Which of course you were," Phule pointed out. "Your internal organs appear still to be functioning--although I can rearrange them myself, if it seems necessary. For now, I'm still neutral on the subject. What did you say to him?"

  Sushi gulped, then managed a sheepish grin. "Well, Captain, you remember how I told you that my family maintains certain business connections--strictly for informational purposes? After you convinced me that what I was doing might be more dangerous than I had anticipated, I called home and got one of my uncles to dig up some information for me. Specifically, he gave me a few names and passwords that only somebody very high in a family would know."

  "I hope he didn't have to pay too high a price for them," said Phule. "That kind of information can be very dangerous to use. Especially if you aren't absolutely certain of its reliability."

  Sushi nodded, soberly. "Believe me, Captain, I knew that. But I figured that once somebody showed up looking for me--which was inevitable if we stayed here more than a couple of months--I was already in major trouble for impersonating a member of the families. Using the wrong password couldn't get me any deader. So I had to take the gamble."

  "Someday that gambling fever's going to get you into real trouble," said Phule, shaking his head. "So you had these passwords--what then?"

  "Well, you probably heard that the guy started a brawl in the casino. He'd picked a spot where I'd be among the ones responding, and he and the woman with him started cheating blatantly. When Moustache tried to put the pinch on them, they went into combat mode--but I was the real target. When I realized what was happening, I showed him a password, actually a sort of recognition sign." Sushi made a quick gesture with his hand, then continued, "At first the guy--his name is Nakadate, not that that'll mean anything to you--at first he was suspicious, but combined with some fast talking, the fact that I knew the sign convinced him that we needed to go off someplace to talk without the whole casino watching us. So we told the woman to wait for us, and we went to talk."

  "That's the first smart thing you've told me--at least there was some sort of hostage for your safety. Going off to someplace private with the enemy is a quick way to get yourself killed." Phule sighed. It was a relief to see Sushi still alive and kicking; he had begun to fear the worst. But now he had to figure out what was really going on--unless, for once, Sushi was actually telling him the whole truth.

  Sushi grunted. "Captain, I hate to tell you this, but if he was going to kill me, the hostage wouldn't have made any difference. Once Nakadate turned her over to the guards, she was on her own and she knew it. Besides, I doubt she has any information that would help you if something did happen to me."

  "Well, that figures," said Phule. "Security tells me she's not carrying anything that gives even a hint to her origins--unless she grew up in a spaceport convenience shop. And she's playing it like a complete innocent. All we have on her is the blackjack cheating--but we can make that stick, if we need to. Why should we let her go?"

  "Because she really doesn't know anything, and because some of our people could get hurt if she decides to make a break for it. I've seen her fight. She's not worth the risk. Sir."

  Phule rubbed his chin. "Hmmm--maybe that makes sense, but I'll have to think about it a little longer. Let's get back to the Yakuza. What did you and Nakadate talk about when you went off alone?"

  "Well, sir, I thought I could convince him I was a legitimate member of a family he didn't know. That's the way the Yakuza is organized--there's no one central authority. But he wasn't ready to buy that without corroborating evidence. He wanted to know what I was doing in the Space Legion, instead of helping out in my family's business. And so I had to convince him I was stealing from you."

  "Stealing from me!" Phule bellowed, grabbing Sushi by the shirt front. "Are you the one who's been monkeying around with my credit account?"

  Sushi put a finger to his lips. "Calm down, Captain," he said quietly. "What if Nakadate brought along more backup than he's told me? I had to convince him I was stealing from you, but that doesn't mean I really was. Your money's protected better than an emperor's favorite daughter--you ought to know that."

  "All I know is that my Dilithium Express account was frozen this afternoon," growled Phule. "If that was your doing..."

  "Of course it was my doing," said Sushi. His voice was calm, but he spoke quickly, as if to forestall objections. "Look, Captain, I'm on your side--would I be telling you about this if I wasn't? I'd transfer as much as I could to my own accounts and get on the fastest spaceliner out of here. Besides, think of the possibilities. If I can hack your account, I can hack an enemy's account, too. If the other guy's troops aren't getting paid, or his supply orders aren't getting filled, that gives you a pretty big edge over him, doesn't it?"

  "So why didn't you tell me about this before you went and did it?" Phule demanded.

  "Because if you knew somebody could do it, you'd probably set up safeguards against it. It's what I'd have done if it were my account. And if you'd gone and done that, I might not have been able to convince Nakadate I was crooked. Besides, it's fixed, now, Captain. Check it--if there's a millicredit missing, you can take it out of my hide."

  "Maybe I ought to do that anyhow," said Phule with a calculating stare. "Why couldn't you think up some less drastic way to keep the Yakuza off your back?"

  "Because I saw an opportunity I couldn't turn down, Captain," said the young legionnaire. "I'd been thinking for some time what I'd do
if somebody from the Yakuza ever showed up. We aren't talking a bunch of street-corner thugs here; these people take a very long view. Nakadate saw that my ability to hack your account made me dangerous to his family, too--he was thinking about finishing me off right then and there. I had to sell him the idea that I'm too important an asset to throw away. So I made him think I'm working for a super-family--somebody above everybody's head."

  Phule looked skeptical. "I thought you said there wasn't any overall Yakuza organization--only the separate families."

  "That's right, Captain," said Sushi. "At least, there hasn't been before now. I invented it just today."

  "And you expect him to believe that? What happens when he checks back with his family and finds out you're pulling his leg?"

  "I'm about to take care of that," said Sushi. "I need to use the comm center gear to get a message to my family. They're going to plant the rumor that there is a super-family, working to make the Yakuza more powerful and profitable than ever. As I said, these people take the long view. If they think it's to their long-term advantage, they'll play along."

  Phule stared at Sushi for a moment, thinking. "Maybe they will. But when they learn your super-family is phony as a Vegan kilobuck, what then? They'll be after you again, and this time you won't be able to talk your way out of it."

  Sushi grinned broadly. "Ah, but it won't turn out to be phony, Captain. You see, that's the beautiful part of this scam. We're going to take over the Yakuza! Now, let's go down to Comm Central and get the ball rolling."

  He started off down the corridor. For once completely speechless, Phule followed him.

  Chapter 5

  A hell of a place to hold a formation, thought Brandy, looking at the Grand Ballroom of the Fat Chance Casino Hotel. In front of her, over a dozen rookie Space Legionnaires stood at attention on the dance floor--three of them Gambolts. They had been aroused by automated early-morning wake-up calls from the hotel's central computer, for this, their first training session with Omega Company. A variety of exercise equipment had been brought in from the hotel's fitness center (an amenity that the visiting gamblers largely ignored). This session had been designed to incorporate physical training as much as basic indoctrination in military discipline.