Shadow of Love

by by Dick Claassen

  The van keys?

  No, the keys to the tent flap.

  Mary playfully slapped him on the cheek, then dug into her purse and handed him her keys. Once again he scrambled out of the tent. He unlocked the van, got two bath towels, two wash cloths, a bar of soap, and a plastic bucket. He filled the bucket at the water faucet, then brought it all into the tent with him. We are going to bathe each other, he announced with mock graveness.

  Oh, Jim, you are so romantic.

  No, just practical. I can't stand stinky girl friends, he said happily. He soaped up a wash cloth and with great love he washed Mary's entire body. He loved every square inch of her and he showed her his love with the most fundamental ritual of caring and nurturing. When he was finished, he handed her the other wash cloth. Now it's your turn, he whispered.

  He lay back as she gently washed every part of him. This woman was a high priestess. She took his heart and tucked it into her heart. She was magic, and when she was finished, he felt as if she had washed his soul.

  The world had suddenly and miraculously opened for them. They were in love. They were out here on a campsite that was private and they could make love all day if they wished, or they could occupy themselves with a thousand other things if they wished. They did both; they did all.

  As they settled down to eat their evening meal over an open fire, Jim couldn't help but marvel at how truly capable Mary was. He had been prepared to wait on her hand and foot, for the rest of his life if need be, but she didn't need or even want a faithful servant. She wanted Jim. She would have him. He was going to ask her to marry him.

  You're thinking too hard again, nut case.

  Does it show?

  Yeah, it shows. The answer is yes.

  Dang, woman! You won't even let me ask you!

  She laughed and playfully ruffled his hair.

  Jim put his finger in her face and said with pretended sterness, We're going to do this right. I'm going to propose formally. Jim got down in front of her on one knee; in front of her high tech power chair where she sat like a queen, like a high priestess. He took both her hands in his and kissed them. Will you marry me? He felt himself beginning to cry. He loved her that much.

  Yes, she said. Yes, I will marry you, Jim. I love you so much. So much She leaned forward and kissed the top of his hair.

  ---

  The next days were like a whirlwind that wouldn't stop. They were obsessed with each other. Jim, with the help of both Matt and Mary, built a chair ramp up to his front door. Although Mary didn't stay with him every night, she stayed with him often enough to satisfy their desire for each other. Jim was acutely aware of the deep love and connection Mary and her mother had for one another, and he was not about to interfere with that.

  The memory of what happened on their first camping excursion seemed to fade from Jim's mind with each passing day. Usually so acutely aware of Jim's answers before he even asked the questions, Mary didn't seem to sense the uneasiness in Jim. With luck, the terrifying experience he had would disappear altogether.

  Now they were lying on top of Jim's bed. Jim had just come home from work and Mary was already waiting for him, planning dinner. I'd like to go camping again, Jim.

  When? he asked.

  This weekend.

  Oh. Hmm.

  What's wrong? Don't you want to go?

  Sure. Sure, we can go. I thought you wanted to go to Matt's party this weekend?

  I did, but there will be plenty of parties to go to. We have the rest of our lives to go to parties, but it won't be many more weeks before it will be too cold to go camping. She propped herself on one elbow and idly ran her finger inside his shirt collar. Of course, if you don't want to . . .

  Of course I want to. He took her face between his hands and kissed her. Of course I want to.

  ---

  The air of early autumn was refreshing. The sun sifted through the foliage and left spots on the ground like gold dust in a sourdough's pan. They leisurely strolled among the trees until the sun began to set. We'd better head back to our tent, Mary said. I think it's going to be a bit cold tonight. I'm glad we had the presence of mind to bring plenty of blankets.

  Yeah.

  You seem distracted today, Sweetheart.

  I'm just tired, Jim said. I'll be all right after a good night's sleep.

  You need a good hot meal. Come on, we'll start supper.

  They ate casually, and when they were finished, they lay on a blanket and watched the stars come out.

  They turned in early; Jim couldn't wait to take his high priestess to bed. They made gentle love to each other, crawled under the blankets, talked for a time, then fell asleep.

  Jim didn't know what time it was when he awoke, but it was still pitch black in the tent. He couldn't see anything, but he could feel Mary stirring against him. Slowly, little by little, he realized that whoever was in bed with him wasn't Mary! Mary had good upper body strength, but she couldn't climb on top of him and move her legs against him. This person, whoever it was, was preparing to rape him!

  He pushed upward on the intruder's body. Mary! Wake up! Mary! he screamed. The intruder bolted, and he heard the tent flap go up as it fled out of the tent. He scrambled wildly for the battery lantern. He found it and switched it on. Mary was gone!

  Chapter Five

  He scrambled out of the tent taking the lantern with him because he knew there were other campers down the way and maybe he could enlist their help! His heart was pumping and fluttering pumping and fluttering frantic frantic frantic frantic he didn't know what to do he didn't know where to look! How had someone come in while they were sleeping, and then taken Mary out of the tent without him waking up? Oh, God, oh, God! His brain was spinning and the shadows the trees cast from the wildly swinging lantern in his hand looked like they were going to swallow him alive. His breath came and went in ragged gasps of fear. Mary! Mary! he called again.

  Jim! Jimmy, help me!

  Her voice came from the direction of the barbecue grate. I'm coming, Mary! Oh God, I'm coming! He found her on the ground, behind the brick barbecue grate. She was terrified and incoherent, mumbling strange sounds that made Jim's blood run cold. Shhh, shhh. He tried to calm her. She clutched at him. He picked her up and carried her quickly back to the tent. Shhh, Mary, it's all right now, he whispered. It's all right now. His knees were so weak from fear, it was all he could do to lay her down without falling on top of her. It's all right now. He held her until his hammering heart quieted. He stroked her hair and hugged her to him. She sobbed quietly in his arms.

  ---

  What a beautiful day this is, Mary said sleepily. I slept wonderfully. How about you?

  Jim had awakened before her, but rather than wake her, he lay quietly, reliving the horror of the night before. Now he looked at her, trying to keep the look of amazement off his face. I . . . I didn't sleep well at all.

  Oh? She appeared to be puzzled. How could she be? he wondered. Surely she remembered her horrific experience in the middle of the night. I would have thought that my superior love making would have put you out like a light.

  I . . . uh . . . woke up in the middle of the night and . . . uh . . . I couldn't get back to sleep. It was a long night. She hadn't remembered, then. He couldn't believe it. He was not going to mention it to her.

  ---

  Jim picked up his ringing telephone. Jim? Jim immediately recognized Mary's mother's voice.

  Hello, Katherine. You sound troubled.

  I have to talk to you, Jim. The sooner the better. Now, I know that Mary won't be visiting you at work today because she is meeting with a new client. May I buy you lunch?

  Sure, Katherine. Come take me to lunch.

  The morning passed quickly, and when Jim looked up from his work, Katherine was standing in front of his desk. With little fanfare she showed him a paper carry-out bag. I hope you like Chinese.

  I do.

  They went to the outdoor lunch area and sat down at a table. The air w
as mild and comfortable. Jim, first I want to tell you that I'm ecstatic that you and Mary are going to make a lifelong commitment to each other. I can't imagine anyone more suited for her than you.

  Why, thank you, Katherine. I consider that a high compliment.

  Good. It was an easy compliment to make. But I want to know something, and I want you to tell it to me straight.

  This wasn't the almost fragile Katherine Jim had come to know. This woman was acting like Mary. No bull. No nonsense. Tell you what straight? He already knew what she was going to ask.

  Katherine took a box of rice out of the bag and handed it to Jim. I think you know what I'm talking about.

  I think I do. You want to know if Mary has been suffering through any nightmares.

  Yes. Don't hide this from me, Jim. We both love Mary far too much to keep secrets from each other.

  She's been having nightmares, he admitted.

  In your house? In your bed?

  No. When we go camping. That's when she has the nightmares.

  What else?

  What do you mean, 'What else?'

  There's more than just the nightmares, isn't there, Jim? There's more than just screams of terror in the middle of the night.

  I don't think we should discuss . . .

  Look, I don't know how to tell you this but you and Mary are going to have a horrendous uphill battle with this. It's not simply going to disappear. It won't go away until you confront it.

  Does Mary know what's going on? She doesn't seem to remember anything the morning after she has one of these nightmares.

  Katherine put down her fork and put her head in her hands. I don't know. I don't know, Jim.

  Does this have something to do with what happened in her past? Was her father . . . ?

  Her father loved her so much, Jim. I wish he were alive today so you could know him. He would treat you like a son. He really would. No, it's nothing like that. Besides, the other things that have been happening to you don't make any sense, do they? Even if Mary was abused as a child, which of course she wasn't, the other things that have been happening to you pretty well negate what we might call a conventional explanation, wouldn't you say?

  How . . . how did you know that things were happening to me?

  Katherine looked steadily at Jim. She grasped his hand. Let me make a suggestion, Jim. Keep her away from the campground. You'll have a far better chance of solving the problem if you can keep her away from where this phenomenon occurs.

  What is it, Katherine? What's happening to her-and to me?

  Can't tell you.

  Do you know what it is?

  Can't tell you that, either.

  Why not? The emotional health of your only child is at stake.

  Jim, if I told you even half of what I believe is happening, you not only wouldn't believe me, you would have me committed.

  ---

  Are you ready for the sit-ups now? Mary was lying on Jim's floor and he was helping her perform her daily exercises as he now did everyday.

  Yes. Hold my legs.

  Jim was on his knees and at her feet. Shifting his balance forward, he held her ankles to the floor. Ready?

  Ready, banjo man. She interlaced her fingers behind the back of her head and began, One . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

  As she counted, Jim said, Your mother is thrilled about us getting married.

  She's eight . . . cute, isn't she? . . . nine . . .

  Between your mother and my mother this wedding will never happen.

  They're both eleven . . . having a wonderful twelve . . . time planning with thirteen . . . me . . .

  Yeah, well, I guess mothers are born to plan weddings.

  Oh, how thoroughly chauvinistic sixteen . . . of you . . . seventeen.

  Yeah, and you love it. He wanted to kiss her, then, but under no circumstances would he interfere with one of the most important parts of her day. Even though Mary's legs were essentially useless, her upper body made up for it, and her exercises were solely responsible for maintaining that strength.

  Mary was using her manual chair in Jim's house because his floor space and narrow doorways wouldn't accommodate the space a power chair would require. They had already discussed what their dream house would be like. Never in Jim's wildest dreams would he have thought his future wife would be confined to a wheel chair. And now it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to him.

  Done, Mary said.

  Now Jim took to massaging her legs. Good blood circulation was of the utmost importance. When Jim first began doing this for her, she resisted. She said she didn't want him to have to work so hard for her comfort. But gradually her resistance disappeared as she began to have more feeling in her legs, albeit slightly.

  I have to work in my office tonight, Jim. Do you mind awfully if I spend the night with Mother?

  Of course I don't mind. I have some running around to do myself.

  Oh, really? She grinned. You're not running around behind my back, are you?

  He lay on top of her and covered her with kisses. No, he whispered. Not a chance.

  ---

  I already paid the guy. Go get it, do your stuff with it, and above all else, hide it. And if you tell anyone-anyone, I'm gonna hafta kill ya.

  Matt grinned broadly. Jim, this is just about the nicest thing I've ever seen you do. Mary has turned you into quite a guy.

  Well, Jim said, I'd like to think I had the seeds of that in me before Mary came along.

  Matt clapped Jim across the back. You've always been a good guy, Jim. It just took someone like Mary to bring you into the real world.

  ---

  He decided to confide in Katherine. He was going to tell her everything. He felt dishonest, hiding this from Mary, but she was so happy with her life. He wasn't about to make her miserable.

  Mary thinks I'm running errands, Katherine said, so I don't have a lot of time, Jim. Thank God, when she's working on a project, she loses track of everything else, including me.

  This won't take long, Katherine. Want something to drink? he offered.

  No, thank you. What did you want to talk to me about, Jim?

  I wanted to tell you what happened to both Mary and I. I've told you she experienced nightmares while we were camping. There were other things as well.

  Mary would disappear, wouldn't she?

  Jim's jaw dropped. My God, that happened when she was a child, too?

  Yes.

  But . . . but what's the explanation for this?

  You'll have to find this out for yourself.

  Katherine, you owe me this.

  When you finally know, you'll realize why I can't say more.

  Ahh . . . Jim tipped his head back and gazed at the ceiling.

  What happened to you out there on the campground, Jim?

  Jim sighed. You won't believe this.

  Try me.

  Well, just before Mary would react to her nightmares, someone would come into the tent and climb on top of me. I know this sounds bizarre, but there was a person in the tent and this person was on top of my body. The first time we went out, Mary wasn't comfortable sleeping with me so we took two tents. I woke up in the middle of the night to discover that someone was in my tent and lying on top of me, almost as if the person was getting set to make love to me. God, it makes me shiver to tell it. I pushed the intruder off and it quickly escaped out the tent. Mary groaned and I went tearing into her tent.

  She was in her own tent, then?

  Yes, in her own tent. This last time we went out, we slept together. I again awoke in the night to find someone on top of me and this time it was even more aggresive; I thought it was going to rape me. It made my skin crawl. I . . . I screamed for Mary to come and help me. Stupid of me, I know, but I wanted her to help me.

  I wouldn't call that stupid, Jim. I'd say that was a man who loves his wife-to-be so much that he completely overlooks her physical limitations, even when he's at the point of danger.

&n
bsp; I thought I was in grave danger. When you awaken from a sound sleep to feel an intruder on you, your mind goes wild. Well, I once again threw the intruder off me and it made its getaway. Then I heard Mary screaming for me. I found her away from the tent, lying on the ground. Katherine, she was so frightened. Oh God, dear God, she was so frightened.

  Damn, that girl didn't tell me any of this. Katherine looked away, a mixture of irritation and a wait-until-I-talk-to-her look in her eyes.

  I don't think it would be productive to bring this up to her, Katherine.

  I know, I know. You're right, of course. Oh, Jim, what are we going to do?

  Can't you tell me anything at all about this? You seem to know things I don't know.

  I can tell you that it's a curse.

  A curse? You sound as if this is witchcraft.

  It's far more powerful than witchcraft, Jim. It's a phenomenon that's happening in real time and real space. You must confront it. You must.

  ---

  As Jim walked into the house, the smell of cooking spaghetti sauce made him smile. Mary, I feel guilty when you go to so much trouble for me. You have your own business to run. We can eat out. You don't have to be so good to me.

  Mary smiled in that way that warmed Jim to the core of his being. Look in the living room.

  Jim looked through the doorway. A candlelight dinner. He leaned down and embraced her. I love you, Mary.

  Of course you do. She kissed him long and hard. I want you to be happy. I've never had a man to do this for, so let me spoil you rotten.

  Okay, he said. I'll let you spoil me.

  He helped her finish making the dinner. Then they sat down at the table. You brought your own plates and silverware, he said. It's beautiful. He looked at Mary sitting across the table from him. You're beautiful.

  Thank you, Jimmy.

  They ate and talked, and the candlelight atmosphere was driving Jim to a state of high desire. When Jim finished his last bite he said, I believe I would like to have dessert now. Would you like to have dessert with me?

  Yes, she said. I would very much like dessert.

  He slid back his chair and then got up and went to her. He took her from her chair and held her. How did I ever get so lucky?