Dark Instinct

by Jayne Blue

  Tracy Plumb was impossible to resist and damn tough to ignore.

  She walked to the truck with a fierce look in her eyes. I didn’t know what it was or why she appeared to be ready to wrestle dragons, but I couldn’t look away. I had wanted to shut her down, turn her off, and push her away. It was the only way to salvage the hot as fuck kiss from last night.

  I wasn’t to be trusted if I got close to her, so the best plan was not to get close again.

  Except that walk, those eyes, the way she smelled, and most of all the intensity she did everything with…

  It was clear my Dad was already one hundred percent in love with having her around. She’d helped him up but without making him feel like an invalid. She’d thought of ways to care for Olivia in the first twenty-four hours that we hadn’t thought of in three months.

  She got in the truck and busted me.

  “What are you staring at? Let’s go.”

  I tried not to smile.

  “White Hall Road?” I asked her.

  “Yes.”

  I eased the truck down the driveway.

  As we drove it was easy to see Tracy was agitated. I wasn’t going to bite. This wouldn’t be any smoother if I got to know her more. Even though that’s exactly what I wanted to do.

  We made our way to the store in silence. I didn’t like small talk and my shooting her down had apparently worked like it was supposed to. I should have been happy about that, but I wasn’t. I wanted her. It was as simple and complicated as shit could be.

  We got the grab bars she said Dad needed and loaded them into the truck.

  Other than anything that absolutely had to be said we were quiet. But somehow that felt normal. Having her near me felt normal. Like she was supposed to be there.

  “You okay to install these on your own?” I asked as we brought the bars into The Castle.

  “Well, I suppose I can figure it out. I just need to know where your tools are.”

  “I’ll show you after we unload this stuff.”

  If she was going to make improvements, she might as well know where things were. I may have kicked her out of my life, but Dad wasn’t going to let Tracy Plumb go anytime soon.

  We walked out to the service shed together and opened it up.

  “Just about anything you’d need is in here.”

  We walked into the shed and I pulled the light. She looked around. It was a big shed, but it was still a shed. We had been near each other all day and I was having a harder and harder time not being hard as a fucking rock around her.

  My hands itched to hold her again.

  “Can you reach that for me?” She pointed to the drill on the wall.

  I grabbed it for her and placed it on the workbench behind her.

  “Anything else?”

  She looked around the shed.

  “Yes.”

  “Well?” I waited for her next request.

  She stepped forward.

  “Pick me up and kiss me.”

  In one swift motion I had her in my arms and the kiss that had started last night continued – hotter, faster, and harder. I probed her mouth with my tongue. I had her up on the workbench and her fingers were running through my hair.

  “God, oh God,” she said as I devoured her neck. Her skin was so sweet and soft. She leaned back, and I slid my hands up under her t-shirt, which was driving me crazy.

  “Fuck.” I’d spent the day trying not to touch her. Trying to tell myself the kiss last night wasn’t as fucking hot as it was.

  I wanted her naked. I wanted to lay her out and taste every inch of that sweet skin.

  I pushed her t-shirt up over her breasts and for a second couldn’t really believe my eyes. She was so lush, full, and her nipples strained at her lacy white bra. I stroked lightly once and then pulled hard on them. I couldn’t hold back. I buried my head in the delicious space between her tits. We were so far gone in so short a time.

  I pushed the cups aside and sucked hard. She cried out. I needed to get inside of her. The life I’d denied myself for months was straining to break free.

  I’d lived like a monk, with one focus, and no time or interest in anyone or anything else. And now all I could see, all I wanted to see or do, was Tracy fucking Plumb.

  Nothing was stopping me. She was with me. She’d wanted this.

  “You are going to regret this,” I said, and I knew it was true. The words came out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. I had to stop. I had to push her out of my life. Fast. Now. And for good.

  “No. I won’t.”

  We moved together, our bodies finding points at which to connect in ways our brains didn’t direct.

  “Yes. You will. You’re in my fucking shed and you’ve got a ring on your finger.”

  We were talking to each other between kisses, both of us breathing hard and trying to talk ourselves out of something that felt perfect.

  I wasn’t usually the guy to worry about that – how a woman might feel about fucking around. A year ago, I could have had any woman in any place, pretty much at any time. The problem was this wasn’t just any woman.

  I felt a powerful connection to her. I wanted to fuck her, own her, protect her, love her, and it almost made me forget everything else. Almost.

  I stopped myself from the fast progress I had been making towards getting her naked and underneath me. With a will I didn’t think I had, I put on the brakes.

  “So, you’re not interested. Great. This is embarrassing.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying … if you’re doing this to get back at, what’s his name? – Ted – I’m not interested.”

  “I’m not. I’m doing it because I – fine. Forget it. I’m sorry I asked.”

  I had hurt her, humiliated her.

  She pulled herself together. Her body was closing off, shutting down, turning away.

  “Look at me.”

  I grabbed her by the wrists and she struggled.

  “Maddox, please. I read you wrong. This isn’t like me. Please just let me go.”

  I decided to seal the deal and be as vile as I could stomach.

  “I’m not here to be your walk on the wild side. Are you trying to get your kicks before you turn into a wifey?”

  “No, that’s not what this is.”

  “Than what is?”

  “I don’t know,” she said, and I let her wrists go. She’d gone from wanting me to wanting me dead; I saw it in her eyes. My deliberate attempt at being a dick was working like a charm. She’d run screaming from this place, and it would be for her own good.

  “Yeah? It’s clear you don’t know what you want, Tracy. Go back to your little fiancé. My life isn’t your speed.”

  I turned and left her in the shed.

  It was hard as hell leaving her there, stopping, and not going back and kissing the hurt off her face.

  But it was for the best. She didn’t need my mess. And she was too sweet to get tangled up in the world I lived in. The idea of someone else I cared about getting hurt because of me, because of my life, was too much.

  I was responsible for ruining Olivia’s life. My Dad and I, The Dark Saints, our club bullshit destroyed the best things in this world.

  I had to make sure Tracy Plumb had no illusions about just what type of man I was. I had to be sure she wanted no part of me.

  Because I did know my limits. We had gotten so close to letting go, twice. And I knew there was no way I could keep my distance if it happened again.

  I had to be sure she didn’t want me.

  I had to be sure she would run.

  14

  Tracy

  I didn’t know if I could stay. I didn’t know what my feelings for Maddox really meant. I did know I was embarrassed, and angry, and late.

  I was supposed to be in a yellow dress and by Ted’s side.

  But inside my heart was in turmoil.

  I had thrown myself at him. In my head, I was planning to be aloof. I was planning to ignore
the intense attraction that I had for Maddox. I meant to remember the hot-tempered beast that yelled at the drop of a hat. But when we got in the shed, and he was close, I lost all my plans and thought only of being in Maddox’s arms.

  Well, that turned out great.

  There was only one thing I could be sure of right now. It was that I wasn’t sure of anything.

  I decided to get dressed and get going to see Ted. Maybe Maddox was right. Maybe this was me trying to live something out that I wouldn’t have later.

  Maybe it was my version of cold feet.

  That wasn’t in my mind when I asked Maddox to hold me, to pick me up. All I wanted was more Maddox, anyway, every way.

  But he saw something else. Was he right? Was this some sort of ridiculous rebellion that I’d skipped as a teen?

  I walked out of the house, the same way I had the night before. Maddox had told me no more bus rides. I was damn sure ignoring that. I needed to get Maddox out of my mental playlist and take control of my life.

  And of my future.

  Fuck Maddox. Fuck this job.

  Except that wasn’t really what I felt.

  I loved Sarge already, Bella needed someone to walk her and pay attention to her, and Olivia? She was a dying flower that I knew needed me no matter what came next.

  Was my embarrassment and confusion over Maddox enough to through this job away?

  I had too much broiling and churning in me right now. I had to sort through one thing at a time to get at what was best for me, to discover what I really wanted.

  I got on the bus.

  What was happening at The Castle, with my job, was one thing. What did I feel for Ted? The last two times we’d talked he’d been so cold, rude, and in no way interested in anything I had to say.

  My deep concern about my relationship with Ted had nothing to do with Maddox. He’d have been this way even if I’d taken a job at the Dairy Queen. I was sure of it. And it was eating me alive.

  Was it always like this?

  My parents had sacrificed everything so I could marry this man, who, right now, I couldn’t see myself with for dinner, much less for life.

  I hadn’t known how dire my parent’s situation was, but I was guilty of letting it get out of hand. That was on me. I didn’t overspend, or overcommit, but I watched it happen.

  I could have helped with that.

  My new job, my new living arrangement, that was active, that was positive, despite Maddox. I was saving and helping my parents crawl out of the hole they’d dug. I was standing on my own two feet, even though I had walked into a minefield.

  The bus let me off at the Port Azreal Rotary Hall.

  Ted was there, his campaign manager was there, his parents, and I guess city leaders and such. I should know more about whom Ted was trying to impress at this thing. A good future wife of the governor probably would. I should try to charm them, but I wanted to do nothing of the kind. I wanted to go paint the foyer at The Castle and make Sarge take a walk.

  Ugh. I was upside down.

  I watched them from across the room. I felt alone and uncomfortable. Ted didn’t notice me there, so I slid in behind his little group of hangers-on as he was introduced to people.

  Just before it was time for his speech, he turned to see me.

  He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. Ted took my elbow and leaned in to kiss my cheek. As he did he hissed in my ear, “How could you be late? You know this is fucking important.”

  It was the end. That second was the end.

  I wanted to make a scene. I wanted to throw the ring in his face. But I didn’t.

  I sat quietly on the dais as they introduced him.

  I listened as he spoke eloquently about the city we both loved. Port Azreal was beautiful, it was changing; it was home. Ted Perry made his case for why he should lead the city to the next level on city council.

  He became more handsome, relatable, warm, and real as he told the assembled business owners why he should be the next council member, even though he hadn’t even turned thirty.

  I watched and remembered. It was at a speech just like this that I first fell for Ted Perry. This was how everyone fell in love with him.

  But this wasn’t who he was after the speeches were done. The pressure of the campaign was making him tense, short-tempered with me, and not someone I liked at all. There would always be another campaign. This was just the first one.

  I saw my life with Ted unfold. I saw us argue about his attitude. About how I felt unfulfilled. That was what could be in my future. Ted kept speaking about his qualifications and his vision. All I saw was an end to our engagement before we even walked down the aisle.

  I clapped for him when he was done. I smiled for a picture or two.

  Then I discreetly slid the ring off my finger. Damn, I’d like to sell it; that would pay my parent’s debts. Alas, that was a shitty thing to do. I may be confused and hot for some other guy, but I was not a shitty person.

  “Ted, can we talk after?” I asked as the event was winding down. He waved me off.

  I waited until it was only Ted and his few core people left lingering around. They were rehashing how he did. They were talking about which part of the city they’d hit next and what issue needed increased focus for his next speech.

  Finally, I stood up, walked into the center of his circle and took his hand.

  “Not now Tracy,” he said. It didn’t make me angry or frustrated. In fact, oddly, it was the calmest I’d been all day.

  “Here. You have my vote.” I grabbed his hand and deposited the ring into it. No one would know or see if he didn’t want them to.

  He looked at me for a beat. It was the first time I’d had his focus in weeks. Maybe there was as a question on his lips. If there was, it went unasked.

  “Call you later,” he said and smiled the same fake smile that he gave to the people asking for a handshake.

  I turned and walked away. He didn’t break down or try to come after me. He went right back to the conversation with his supporters.

  This was the way with Ted. This would always be the way. I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore. I didn’t want to be the politician’s wife.

  I wanted to be needed for me, for what I could do, contribute, solve, not just how I looked in my yellow dress. Or how I appeared on paper for the candidate bios.

  My parents were going to lose it. That was for sure.

  I was straying from the path they’d created. I was taking a major left turn.

  That was my next step. A call to my parents. I supposed I could put it off but I decided that I’d rather piss everyone off in one big flood instead of a drip at a time.

  I found a park bench and took the plunge.

  “Hello.”

  My Dad answered. Thank God. He was the calm one. He was the one that could manage my mom, a little at least.

  “Is Mom around?”

  “Sure, I’ll put you on speaker.”

  “Okay.”

  “Hi, honey.”

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “This one’s going to be a shock. But just so you know, I’m okay.”

  “You’re scaring us.”

  My Mom was pissed already.

  “I’m sorry about that. I’m fine. But, the engagement’s off.”

  “Excuse me?”

  My Mom was more than pissed.

  “Are you okay?”

  Jesus, thank God my Dad was a human. I needed a little human reaction right now.

  “I’m better than I’ve been in a while. There was no drama, no big fight. I just know we’re not right for each other.”

  “You have cold feet. This is ridiculous. We’ve got un-refundable deposits on everything!”

  My mother was now screaming into the phone.

  “Nothing has changed as far as finances go. I’m still going to help you dig out. I’m still going to contribute most of my check to you guys. This is half my fault.”

  “HALF? HALF! I’d say 100-percent. Wh
at is Mrs. Perry going to think of us?”

  “Mom. That’s not the point. The point is I am not cut out to be the next Mrs. Perry, and I don’t love Ted. I thought I did. But I don’t.”

  “You don’t know anything. You’re twenty-two.”

  “Dad, can you help here with her?”

  “She’s stormed off – that’s what she does. Soon the vacuum cleaner will start, and I won’t be able to hear you.”

  “I got it. I’m sorry. I appreciate all you’ve done. But I just can’t marry him. It isn’t right.”

  “Honey, you know your mother. She’ll be pissed for a week. Then, well, we’ll figure it out. As long as you’re safe, happy, I could care less if we live in the van. You’re safe, happy, everything’s okay?”

  “Yes, Dad, I am okay. And thank you, Dad. I love you.”

  “Love you too. Just probably steer clear of Mom for a week or two.”

  “Got it.”

  “How’s the new, oh, dammit.”

  The vacuum had fired up in the background as Dad had predicted. If my Mom couldn’t control me or the universe, she’d damn well control the pile on her carpet.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Dad.”

  “Yep, I’ll cancel the tuxes,” Dad said in response.

  It wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. I did so many things in my life to keep my Mother happy because I feared her temper and her disappointment.

  I wasn’t going to live in fear of her anymore. I wasn’t going to live for her or for Ted. I needed to live for me. I needed to decide what made me happy. Not what made them happy.

  I found myself walking to a different bus stop. It wasn’t like last night. It was dusk, not dark, and there were more people around.

  I felt something close to calm as I walked.

  I didn’t feel sad at the loss of my engagement or wedding. I felt relief. I felt lighter.

  A familiar truck pulled up next to me.

  A strange stab of disappointment pierced my chest when I saw the driver.

  “Fitzie?”

  “Yeah, I was told to be sure you got a ride. Where to?”

  “I guess back to work. The Castle.”

  I climbed into the truck.

  “Who told you to come get me?”

  “Uh, Sarge. It was Sarge.” And then Fitzie winked at me.