by Tonya Kappes
“What are you looking for?” Vernon stood behind me with a steaming cup of coffee. “I’ve made a pot of coffee if you want some.” He gestured his cup toward the coffeepot.
“Thanks, but I’m looking for something to take to Artie’s this morning so I can offer my condolences.” I opened the crisper drawer. There was some wilted celery and carrots that were a little drawn and dried. I eyed the fat free Ranch dressing and the Ranch dressing; both bottles were turned on the tops with just enough in them to be combined.
I grabbed all of it (except the baking soda), knowing Granny would just die if she knew I was doing this. Deaths and funerals around Sleepy Hollow were just as much of a social gathering as a wedding. And you never came empty-handed. I mean food. My stomach growled and my mouth watered just thinking about the food I was sure the Auxiliary women had already taken to Artie.
Vernon’s steel-blue eyes looked at me suspiciously. He tilted his head; his perfectly gelled salt-and-pepper hair stayed in place. He brought the cup of steaming coffee up to his lips and took a long calculated sip as he no doubt analyzed what I was doing.
“Don’t judge me.” I took a knife and cut the wilted spots off the celery and shucked down the dry parts of the carrots. “Business is slow.”
He grinned his Hollywood smile and shook his head. Vernon was so debonair and reminded me of the old Hollywood movie royalty.
I grabbed a Tupperware bowl and combined the different bottles of Ranch dressing in it. There were plenty of serving trays in the pantry that we used for layouts and other funeral needs. I was able to use one and arrange the celery and carrots around the bowl of dressing. There were always leftover floral arrangements from different funerals that sat around the funeral home, some a little deader than others, but I found a few greenery sprigs and decorated the tray with them.
“Not bad.” Vernon had planted himself in a chair and sipped his coffee as if I were his entertainment for the day. “I always said a woman can make anything beautiful.”
“Why thank you.” I stood back and looked at it myself. Pleased with the results. “So, tell me about Jade.”
I swiped my finger across my phone and quickly text messaged Shirley from the Spare Time Country Cooking in Slicklizzard, Kentucky. It was a little diner located a little way from Sleepy Hollow that I had stumbled upon when I was working for my first Betweener client. I loved the food so much I’d asked Shirley if she’d cater the reunion. Now with the reunion canceled, I wasn’t sure what to do with all the food.
“You know I can’t do that.” Vernon was right. If she were a client of Eternal Slumber, it would be a different story. “Seeing as my understanding is that Artie hasn’t picked which funeral home he’s using.”
Too bad I didn’t have some of Shirley’s food to take to Artie right now, but it would be good for the repass, especially if I secured Jade’s funeral today.
My eyes narrowed. My memory drew back to that awful day of my fateful run-in with Artie’s plastic that slipped off the store’s awning, knocking me flat-out cold. The only gift I got from Santa that year was the gift of seeing dead people, now Jade Lee Peel. In my eyes Artie Peel owed me.
Chapter 17
As death always came, so did the community. Artie lived in a small house behind Main Street, behind Artie’s Meats and Deli. There were people everywhere. Hanging out on his front porch, leaning up against the tree in his front yard and talking over the small white picket fence. And a few were gathered around in a circle.
Curious, I walked up with my impromptu vegetable tray in my hand and the group of people parted like the Red Sea. Right in the middle was Granny in her full-length gown straddling her moped with her aviator goggles perched on top of her red head. A cameraman and a camera focused on her face.
“I’ve been twice widowed. Who can say that?” Granny gave a wink to the camera. “And I got me a doctor on the line. Hook, line and sinker.” She let out a little giggle and cast a fake fishing pole in front of her. “I’ve got a lot of stories to tell. Strange happenings as a funeral home director and owner. As well as the owner of Sleepy Hollow Inn. My life couldn’t be more perfect for one of them TV reality shows.” Granny looked up to the heavens and swept her arms wide out in front of her. “Zula Zooms.” She twisted the throttle. The poor moped coughed. “Vroom!” Granny eyes caught mine.
I tried to slip back into the crowd.
“Emma Lee Raines!” Granny’s voice lifted above the crowd. “Yep. Right on over there with that . . .” Granny’s head bobbled back and forth trying to get a gander at what was in my hand. “What is on that Eternal Slumber tray?”
My lips pinched together in a thin smile. I could’ve killed her.
“Anyways. That’s my Emma Lee, my granddaughter.” Granny put her hand up to the side of her mouth as if she were going to whisper. She didn’t. “She’s got a case of the ‘Funeral Trauma.’ She thinks she sees dead people and no wonder since she’s an undertaker. And if that don’t make TV interesting, I don’t know what does.”
I darted around the group.
“Where are you going?” Granny hollered out. I waved my hand in the air and continued to walk. “Whoohoo! Emma! Oh well, forget her right now.”
Granny went back to preaching why she should be considered for a TV reality show.
“Pastor Brown.” I nodded when I walked through the door. Poor old Artie was sitting in the corner of his family room in his cracked, fake leather, brown recliner. “Charlotte Rae?” The shock of seeing my sister kneeling down by Artie nearly stopped my beating heart right then and there.
Then she’d have two clients instead of the one she was trying to get.
“Emma Lee.” Artie stood up. “I’m so glad to see you, dear.”
“Mr. Peel. I’m so sorry for your loss. Jade was such a kind soul.” I hated to lie, but desperate times called for desperate measures. I was desperate for a client at the funeral home and desperate to find out where Jade had disappeared to since the preliminary results of her autopsy were strangulation, not suicide.
“You really aren’t a good liar.” Jade Lee’s long thin leg swung back and forth from where she was perched up on the mantel of the fireplace. The pink pom-poms on the toe of her heels fluttered with each swing.
“Yes, such a wonderful soul.” I tapped the frames on the mantel, each one of Jade in some sort of tiara and gown. I glared at her when I reached her at the end.
“Your sister sure does have a fantastic idea about all the amazing things funerals can be. Daddy will send me off in a horse-drawn Cinderella carriage.” She squealed.
“I’ll leave you with this.” Charlotte patted Artie on the knee and pushed up to standing. “You know I’m here for you just like I’ve been with the rest of your family.”
“Thank you, Charlotte.” Artie nodded, his eyes hollow. “You’ve always been such a sweet girl.”
“Such a snake,” I murmured. “I’ll go put this vegetable tray in the kitchen,” I said when Charlotte Rae passed me.
“Oh, Emma.” Charlotte Rae twisted around. Her long red hair curled in all the right places. Her lips were lined with the perfect shade of red to complement her green eyes. “It’s business. Don’t be going and flying off the handle.”
“Business? I’m your sister. I live here.” I couldn’t believe it. “Does Granny know you are in here?”
“Why, yes.” Charlotte crossed her arms and curled her fingers around her bony forearms. “In fact, I went to the Inn to talk about the sideboard and she was on her way over here. Two birds.” She drummed her fingers.
“You think you’re in high cotton with all the Cinderella horse-drawn carriage bit, but you don’t fool me.” I wasn’t about to give her a tongue-lashing.
“How did you know about the carriage?” Charlotte unknotted her arms and planted her fists on her hips.
“It’s all y’all do.” I gulped. Shit. You’d think after five Betweener clients, I’d be able to distinguish what I can and can’t say. That was an
obvious can’t.
“Um . . .” Charlotte’s voice was velvet-edged and strong. “I’ve never had a Cinderella carriage. It was just sort of whispered in my ear when I walked in.”
Damn, Jade Lee. I would bet my bottom dollar she whispered into Charlotte’s ear.
“Whatever. You are my sister. You should stay in your own backyard.” I jabbed my finger in her chest, wrinkling her fancy suit. “You barely waited until they moved her to the morgue . . . you . . .” I sucked in a deep breath and let it rip. “You are exactly like the kinds of undertakers Daddy called ambulance chasers.”
“Don’t you dare talk to me like that.” Charlotte’s temper flared.
“Just you remember,” I warned, “the sun don’t always shine on the same dog’s tail all the time. I’ll remember this.”
“Stop this right now.” Granny stood in the doorway of the kitchen door. The sun hit the sequins on her dress just right, blinding me in the right eye. “Y’all go on and mend fences. Y’all are sisters. Sisters!” Granny stomped. “Though a family rift would make good television.” Granny contemplated the thought, then came to her senses. “But I won’t stand for a family rift.”
“Granny, she’s come back to town to not only steal my sideboard but to steal my clients.” I just didn’t get where family loyalty was lost. “You always said family comes first. She’s not my family.”
“I’m not going to stand here and listen to this. I’ve got a Cinderella carriage to find.” Charlotte turned on the balls of her high heels and trotted out like a horse, leaving me there to pick up the pieces.
Chapter 18
“If I’d known you had such a nasty sister, I’d have been a lot nicer to you in school.” Jade Lee sat on top of my sideboard. “And I wouldn’t have given her the carriage ride idea for my funeral.”
After Charlotte Rae had ruffled my feathers and I’d seen Jade Lee hadn’t crossed over on her own, seeing Artie wasn’t so important. I’d given my condolences and paid my respects. I’d gone to find Jade and did. Having her as an Eternal Slumber client was just the icing. For some reason, people died in seasons. Either I was busting out the seams with dead bodies or bone-dry.
“I knew Charlotte didn’t come up with that on her own. Don’t try to make up for it now,” I growled and ran my hand across the sideboard. I’d been staring at it for an hour, trying to figure out how to sneak it out and hide it from Charlotte and Granny. “Just do me a favor and hang around so I can get some answers out of you.”
“Fine.” She huffed and picked at her nails. “You know, I didn’t get famous by letting people walk all over me.”
“You think I’m letting them walk all over me?” How dare a ghost know what’s best for me.
“I know they are,” she said with a smug look on her face. “Didn’t Charlotte give her part of the business over to you?”
“Yes.”
“Wouldn’t it be in the paperwork that everything she had was now all yours? Including this?” She ran her hand across the sideboard in a loving manner.
“Oh, Jade! If you were alive, I’d kiss you!” I jumped around and rushed to the office where I had filed the paperwork when we had dissolved our partnership.
“I’m not just beauty.” She ghosted herself into the office and watched over my shoulder as I read the paperwork.
“You are right.” I pointed to the clause that stated every piece of furniture and every piece of paperwork stayed with the funeral home. I licked my fingers and flipped the papers. My heart sank. I groaned.
“What?” Jade questioned, and stood over my shoulder.
“She hasn’t signed the papers yet,” I huffed. It was like pulling teeth for me to get Charlotte when she wasn’t busy. I was tired of hearing her excuses of being busy and how she didn’t want any part of the funeral home.
“You just need to go visit her and lay down the law.” Jade pounded her fist in her other hand. “Get a spine.” Jade Lee did her best to snap her fingers. “One day I’ll be able to snap my fingers. I’ve been practicing.” She tried a couple more times. “But you are being too nice. When you run a business, you have to take charge and know what is best or Burns and Hardgrove’s is going to run you right out of town.”
“You’re right.” All of a sudden I found a world full of confidence.
“I sure hope you are better at this Betweener job than the business side of Eternal Slumber because I’m getting a little antsy on this side. Maybe you should go see my dad again.”
“Really?” I questioned whether or not Artie would be open to seeing me.
“Yes.”
Her words of encouragement were all I needed to head back down to her dad’s and get him to make the decision to have Jade’s funeral at Eternal Slumber. Then head over to Hardgrove’s and force Charlotte Rae’s hand.
The crowd inside had died down and a few stragglers were hanging on the porch with a glass of Granny’s iced tea she’d brought over.
“If I’d known the trouble it would’ve caused.” The bags under Artie’s eyes showed his sadness. He had a photo of a younger Jade Lee gripped in his hands. “Her first pageant win.”
“Do you mean you wouldn’t have put her in pageants?” I asked, trying to understand what he was saying to me.
“For years I’d been trying to get Jade to come home. She refused. She wanted so badly to make something of herself.” His head dropped. “I tried to be a good dad to her. I probably should’ve gotten remarried and given her a mamma.”
I rubbed his back for some comfort. It was part of the undertaker job that was a fine line. People liked to be comforted differently when they were hurting.
“She’d battled so many demons. In and out of those rehabs.” So he knew about Jade and her problems.
He put his head in his hands and silently cried. His shoulders bobbed up and down as the grief swept over him.
“I knew that she was going to see Mary Anna at the spa to get her hair done, so I slipped into Girl’s Best Friend and put Clorox in all of those dye bottles.” He glanced up at me. “If she didn’t have that reality show, she probably would’ve come home where she belonged. If I would’ve left well enough alone.”
My mouth dropped. I quickly looked at my watch.
“If Jade were here, she’d forgive you,” Tina said, trying to make him feel better. “You were a great father to her and she loved you.” Tina gave him a reassuring smile. “I’ll get you a glass of Zula’s iced tea she brought over. It will make you feel better.”
Tina left the room.
“I do love you, Daddy.” Jade stood behind his chair. Her hands rested on top of his shoulders.
The corners of his eyes dropped. “I sent a mashed-up video of her behavior to her agent. Some of it was taken from my cell phone and other parts were taken from the security cameras outside the deli. I sent it anonymously so she’d never find out it was me.”
“Oh, you didn’t, Daddy.” Jade Lee ghosted herself in front of her father with her mouth wide-open. “Why?” She fumed.
She got that look in her eye that she’d gotten when Keisha had handed her the mirror at Girl’s Best Friend. It wasn’t a good look. She looked like her insides were boiling and at any minute her head was going to pop off like the lid of a pressure cooker.
“I can’t help but think I had something to do with this.” His chin fell to his chest.
“Mr. Peel.” Tina Tittle walked in with a glass of iced tea. “Here is your tea.”
I gave her an appreciative smile. “It’s kind of you to be here.”
“Gracious me, why on earth wouldn’t I be?” Tina asked. “Jade was just like my sister and Artie is just like my dad.”
He mustered up a grateful smile.
“Now it’s more important than ever to figure out who killed me.” Jade Lee stood between her father and best friend. “Look at them. No peace until the killer is brought to justice.”
“Please let me know if I can do anything for you. You know I’m here to host he
r funeral if you’d like to use Eternal Slumber’s services.” I hated to drum up business this way, but I wanted to beat Charlotte Rae at her own game.
With a quick good-bye, I hurried out of Artie’s house and up to Main Street, taking a right, barreling down to Girl’s Best Friend Spa. I knew I had to right his wrong no matter how crazy I looked.
“Where do you think you are going? You have to find out who killed me and now!” Jade’s high heels clicked as she scurried behind me.
I ignored her and flung the door open to the spa. The beauty shop was packed.
“Hi, Emma.” Mary Anna Hardy had completely channeled Marilynn Monroe. Her hair fell across her head in large blond curls. Her mile-long black lashes curled plum up to her brows. Her tight, cropped white jeans had big red kissy lips all over them with a red sleeveless button-up shirt with ruffles waving down the front tucked taut into the waistband of her jeans.
“Hello.” I strutted over to her. My eyes zeroed in on the clear ketchup-looking bottle filled with a gray liquid that she was holding in her plastic gloved hand. I sucked in a deep breath and got ready to prepare for my “Funeral Trauma” performance.
Mary Anna jumped back, her mouth dropped. “What is wrong with you?”
“I’m feeling like you shouldn’t be doing any sort of hair coloring since you turned poor Jade Lee’s hair green.” I let out an evil groan to help me play the part.
I ran back to the back where I knew she kept all the bottles of dye and quickly unscrewed the bottles one by one, pouring the contents out into the sink.
“Emma Lee! Stop it!” Mary Anna’s long fingernails clicked on the screen of her phone. No doubt in my mind she was calling the authorities. “You are going to pay me back for these.” She tried to plant her body between me and the last couple of bottles. “Someone call the sheriff and call Zula Fae!”
“No more dye jobs!” I screamed, shoving her to the side and grabbing the last of the bottles.
There was no time to dump them, so I ran out of the back room with a sack full of hair dye and out the front door of the shop.