by Tonya Kappes
“What on earth is wrong with you?” Granny’s moped skidded to a stop in front of me, cutting me off. “Give me the bottles.” Granny gestured for them.
“No.” I held my arms above my head.
“Emma Lee Raines, rein in the crazy.” Granny jerked the moped up on the stand and threw her leg over the seat. The sequins made a trickle sound as the dress shimmered down her small frame when she stood. “Give me those.”
“No,” I protested.
“Right now!” Mary Anna fussed.
“I’ll take those.” Artie came out of nowhere. “And I’m going to come clean.”
“You don’t have to.” I was willing to protect him and Mary Anna.
“What are you two talking about?” Mary Anna put her hands on her hips.
“I was the one who sabotaged your color for my daughter’s hair.” Artie’s voice lowered. “I knew that she was coming to see you to get her hair done and she was bringing the camera crew. I didn’t want her to make that reality show and I knew she’d be upset if you messed up her hair color. So . . .” Artie’s chest heaved up and down. He grabbed one of the bottles from my hand. “I broke into your shop and put Clorox in these. All of them.”
“And I was trying to not only keep him out of it by pretending to be a little kooky, but also trying to protect you from doing any more bad dye jobs and ruining your business by dumping out all the bottles.” It was probably a better idea that I had just come clean with her, but I didn’t want Artie to get in trouble for breaking and entering. “Don’t you think he’s been through enough?” I asked, playing on Mary Anna’s sympathetic side.
“I won’t press charges if you let me do Jade’s hair.” Mary Anna grabbed the bottles from Artie’s hands. “I’ve had a handful of cancellations because of the situation you created.”
“And if she does her hair, that means you have to host Jade’s funeral at Eternal Slumber because she works for me.” I shrugged.
Granny’s lips quirked up into a small smile. She winked.
Mmm-hmm . . . I thought about Charlotte Rae. Two could play this game. She’d be so mad if I got Jade’s body. The only reason she wanted to host her funeral was for the celebrity status and free publicity.
“And I’ll be more than happy to get one of Dottie Kramer’s horses and a carriage for a beautiful graveside ceremony,” I added in.
“Well.” Artie bit his lip.
“Daddy!” Jade Lee appeared. “You can’t let her get one of Dottie’s broke-back horses. That is a disgrace. A disgrace!” Jade stomped. “You already disgraced my hair. And Dottie wasn’t nice to me when Tina and I saw her at the Buy-N-Fly.”
“It will be amazing,” I assured him, ignoring her, but keeping her comment about Dottie Kramer tucked in a spot in my mind.
“I sort of told Charlotte Rae I’d think about her services.” Artie wrung his hands together.
“Don’t you worry about Charlotte Rae.” I grinned because I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when I told her I had secured the funeral of Jade Lee Peel.
Jack Henry pulled up in his cruiser. He got out and stuck his sheriff’s hat on his head.
“Ladies.” He nodded all professional like, sending goose pimples all over me. “Artie.”
“Jack to the rescue.” Jade batted her lashes and gushed over Jack.
“Geesh,” I muttered under my breath. Jack looked at me. The crease between his brows deepened.
“Well?” Mary Anna nodded; her eyebrows rose as she looked at Artie to get his answer.
Artie didn’t hesitate. It was obvious that Mary Anna had called the sheriff when I was doing my “Funeral Trauma” stint and he was here to collect the crazy. Only the crazy, me, had protected Artie Peel.
“Deal!” Artie stuck his hand out.
“We won’t be needing your services, Sheriff.” Mary Anna tucked the tainted bottles up under her armpit and hurried on inside.
“Emma, I’ll bring those papers by and leave them at Eternal Slumber. I’m hoping we can have the funeral tomorrow afternoon.” Artie had made a definite decision.
“I’ll take good care of her,” I promised him.
“You better be dolled up for my funeral. Not that regular old black suit you keep in that closet of your office,” Jade warned. “I saw it in there and that’s about depressing and boring.”
I cleared my throat. Jack Henry looked at me the way he did when he knew a Betweener client was around. He was good at reading my body language.
“Thanks, Artie. I’ll be in touch if I need to be.” I would take care of everything now. “The only thing I need from you will be an outfit to dress her in.”
“Oh.” Artie looked pained. “I’ll ask Tina to pick something out. If it were left up to me, I’d stick her in something she’d be so embarrassed to wear.”
“Oh, Daddy. I hate he has to go through this,” Jade cried out. “He did this with Mamma and I had to watch him. Now me. Emma Lee, you have to find my killer.”
“Just have her bring it over to the funeral home,” I suggested. “The sooner the better.”
Artie said his good-byes.
I turned to Granny.
“Listen, I need you to go to Hardgrove’s with me after I get finished here for a quick chat with Charlotte Rae. She has yet to sign off on the transfer of papers and I can’t keep having funerals with her on the paperwork.” I held on to that confidence Jade had given me and laid down the law like she said. “I need you to back me up.”
“I have a lot of pies to make for this repass of Jade’s.” Granny didn’t even have to have me ask her to make food for the get-together after Jade’s funeral. It was automatic that the Auxiliary women would take care of all the food needs.
“You have all night,” I told her.
“Fine. But I ain’t gonna like it.” Granny had yet to go see the Hardgrove’s Legacy Center. “It just ain’t natural.” Granny fussed about the big funeral home that celebrated more than just helping the dead enter into the Kingdom.
Granny revved up her moped and took off toward the Inn.
“Since we are here, let’s go inside and question Mary Anna,” I suggested. “Afterward, I have to go see Charlotte and I’m taking Granny with me. I looked at my papers today and she still hasn’t signed them.”
“When you get back, we can meet for our lunch.” Jack Henry was so understanding. “Let’s see what Mary Anna has to say.”
When Jack opened the door to the spa, the chattering women didn’t seem to be such chatty Cathies. Everyone’s eyes were on me as if my crazy button was about to go off.
“Everything is fine now.” I put my hands out in front of me, assuring them I wasn’t about to explode like I had a few minutes ago. “Where is Mary Anna?”
One of the stylists pointed back to the wood door where square gold letters read OFFICE. Jack knocked on the door. Mary Anna called out for us to come in.
“Now what?” She was clicking away on the calculator and cussing under her breath.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“No. I’m not.” She clicked some more. “Jade had rented out the entire spa. I had my stylists cancel their clients because Jade told me she would cover the cost of the canceled appointments. After her hair got messed up, she refused to pay for any of the time.” She threw her hands up in the air and fell back in her chair. “Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t have enough money to pay them all for a full day of canceled clients.”
“I guess that made you mad about Jade not paying you.” Jack Henry thought he was sly about his line of questioning, but I knew where he was going with it.
“Mad? Furious.” Her face turned red answering Jack’s question. I could only imagine how she felt yesterday.
“Enough to have killed Jade?” Jack asked.
“Jack Henry Ross!” she yelled in a high-pitched voice. “Have you lost your ever-loving mind? I most certainly would never kill someone over money. You have the wrong Hardy.”
She was righ
t. Unfortunately, her brother was sent to prison for just that—killing their father over a bet gone bad.
“I was with my mamma at Sleepy Hollow Baptist playing Friday night bingo. B-I-N-G-O.” she spelled it out as if Jack didn’t know how to spell.
He was writing down everything she was saying.
“I’m not saying you killed anyone, but I have to follow up on anyone who argued with Jade and your fight was pretty public.” Jack got up and I followed his lead. “Thanks for answering my questions.”
“You’re welcome.” She didn’t bother seeing us out; she went back to clicking away on the calculator. “Emma, I’ll be over early in the morning to do Jade’s hair.”
Chapter 19
“Lawzy bee.” Granny scooted to the edge of the chair and lifted her arms in the air like she was in Sunday morning worship at Sleepy Hollow Baptist and she just got the spirit or something. But we weren’t sitting in church, we were in Charlotte Rae’s office.
I sucked in a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever was going to come out of Granny’s mouth. She’d been a ball of Southern spitfire the entire way here. Quite frankly, I was surprised I even got her here. Especially with the repass happening tomorrow. She had a lot of food to prepare.
“Please, please, please let me die before anything happens to Emma Lee.” Her body slipped down the fancy, high-back mahogany leather chair as she fell to her knees with her hands clasped together, bringing them back up in the pleading-to-the-big-guy-in-the-sky motion. “I’m begging you.”
“Are you nuts?” My voice faded into a hushed stillness. I glanced back at the door, in fear Charlotte Rae would walk in seeing Granny acting up. “You just need to remember why we are here. Sign the papers so I can keep the sideboard.”
I sat in the other fancy, high-back mahogany leather chair next to Granny’s and grabbed her by the loose skin of her underarm. “Get back up on this chair before Charlotte Rae gets back in here.”
“What?” Granny quirked her eyebrows questioningly. “I do want to die before something happens to you. I can’t imagine my corpse being in a big ole place like this.”
“That is exactly why I need her to sign the papers. If she has any stake in Eternal Slumber when you croak, she will try to move your body. I’m telling you.” I had resorted to using scare tactics with Granny. “We aren’t here to talk about your death. So focus, Granny.” I gave her the two-finger gesture pointing between our eyes. “Tell Charlotte to sign the papers.”
“Well, I ain’t lying! I do hope and pray you are the granddaughter that will be doing my funeral, unless you get a flare-up of the ‘Funeral Trauma.’” She sucked in a deep breath and got up off her knees. She ran her bony fingers down the front of her cream sweater to smooth out any wrinkles so she’d be presentable like a good Southern woman—apparently forgetting she was just on her knees begging for mercy a second ago.
I was glad she at least dumped the gown and looked a bit normal.
“Flare-up?” I sighed with exasperation. “It’s not like arthritis.”
The “Funeral Trauma.”
“I’m fine,” I huffed, and took the pamphlet off Charlotte Rae’s desk, keeping my gift to myself.
“You are not fine.” Granny rolled her eyes. “People are still going around talking about how you talk to yourself.” She shook her finger at me. “If you don’t watch it, you are going to be committed. Surrounded by padded walls. Then . . .” She jabbed her finger on my arm. I swatted her away with the pamphlet. “Charlotte Rae will have full control over my dead body and I don’t want someone celebrating a wedding while my corpse lies in the next room.”
I opened the pamphlet and tried to ignore Granny the best I could.
“Do you hear me, Emma Lee?” Granny asked. I could feel her beady eyes on me. “Don’t you be disrespecting your elders. I asked you a question.”
“Granny.” I placed the brochure in my lap and reminded myself to remain calm. Something I did often when it came to my granny. “I hear you. Don’t you worry about a thing. By the time you get ready to die, they will have you in the nut house alongside me,” I joked, knowing it would get her goat. “And a good way not to worry about it is to have Charlotte sign the papers.”
The door flung open and the click of Charlotte Rae’s high-dollar heels tapped the hardwood floor as she sashayed her way back into her office. She’d changed since we saw her an hour or so ago.
The soft green linen suit complemented Charlotte’s sparkly green eyes and the chocolate scarf that was neatly tied around her neck. It was the perfect shade of brown to go with her long red hair and pale skin.
“I’m so sorry about that.” She stopped next to our chairs and looked between me and Granny. She shook the long loose curls over her shoulders. “What? What is wrong, now?”
“Granny is all worried I’m going to get sent away to the nut house and you are going to lay her out here.” The words tumbled out of my mouth.
“I . . .” Granny’s mouth opened and then snapped shut. Her face was as red as the hair on her head. “I meant that I didn’t want to be placed at Burns Funeral. I don’t know what they do down in their morgue.”
“Granny. Remember we talked about the cremation.” Charlotte Rae eased her toned hiney on the edge of her desk and rested upon it. “Here at Hardgrove’s we offer a full line of services. It’s the way of the future.”
Was she giving us her sales pitch? My jaw clenched. My eyes narrowed. I glared at her perfectly lined hot pink lips. With Charlotte’s coloring, she did look great in pink. Heck, she’d look great in a burlap sack. I tucked a strand of my long, dull brown hair behind my ear and folded my hands in my lap with my short bitten-off nails tucked in. She spent a lot of money at the nail salon, getting the perfect manicure and it did look good.
But she looked a little tired. Not normal for Charlotte.
“Well, that certainly wasn’t the answer I expected to hear.” I shook my head. Since Charlotte had left as my co-owner of Eternal Slumber Funeral Home, I had been left in charge of everything and I was beginning to forget how bossy she was, until now. “Nor does Granny want to be cremated. Right, Granny?” I nudged Granny.
“I’m sorry, Emma Lee.” Charlotte crossed her arms over top of her chest. Her brows lifted. Her green eyes lit up a little. “Did I hurt your feelings?”
“No”—my voice hardened ruthlessly—“but you could at least say that I’m not crazy and for Granny to stop being ridiculous.”
I grabbed my purse off the floor and pulled out the envelope with the legal papers Charlotte had to sign to make her desertion of the family business official and make sure I would keep my sideboard. Not that Hardgrove’s Funeral Home was much competition since it was in the neighboring town, Lexington, Kentucky.
But it was just like Charlotte to up and leave when times get lean. So lean that I hadn’t been sure I was going to be able to pay John Howard, Mary Anna and Vernon. When clients that had already made preneed funeral arrangements with Eternal Slumber started pulling out because they didn’t want the “Funeral Trauma” girl to handle them in death, Charlotte Rae jumped ship. She took a job with Hardgrove’s Funeral Homes at their Lexington location.
Since they were in Lexington, a good forty minutes away from Sleepy Hollow, they really weren’t our competition. But family was family. And in a small town, family stuck together. Not Charlotte. She bailed, leaving me with all the chips to pick up. And that was exactly what I have done.
“I don’t think Granny is being ridiculous. I mean . . .” Charlotte picked up one of the same brochures I still had in my lap and gave it a good, swift flick. It unfolded like an accordion. “Here at Hardgrove’s we are a full-service center.” Her pink fingernail pointed to the first photo. “We offer a full line of funeral services with a state-of-the-art facility. Not like the ones in Sleepy Hollow.” And there was the dig about where we grew up.
“You mean Eternal Slumber without saying it?” I wasn’t going to let her get away with saying
we weren’t meeting the needs of our residents. I had yet to tell her that Artie had decided to have Jade laid to rest using Eternal Slumber. That loosely means the same as having his arm twisted behind his back so Mary Anna didn’t press charges against him.
I decided to keep my little secret about Jade in my back pocket in fear Charlotte would get mad and not sign the papers.
“No, no.” She shook her head and wagged her finger at me like I was some child. “There is also Burns Funeral.” As if I didn’t know the only other funeral home in Sleepy Hollow, my direct competitor. “They are definitely no longer top-of-the-line since O’Dell was elected Sleepy Hollow’s mayor.”
“Do tell.” Granny lit up like a morning glory; she was tickled pink to hear any and all gossip concerning O’Dell Burns since he beat her in the election by only two votes.
O’Dell’s sister, Bea Allen moved back to town to take over the funeral home while O’Dell spent all his time in his plush office at the courthouse. I hadn’t seen her since Jade passed and wondered if this little bit of information was why.
“This is on the down-low.” Charlotte gave the good ole Baptist nod that meant we were supposed to keep our mouths shut because she was about to give us some deep-fried small town gossip, but she obviously forgot she was talking to Granny. “I have had several of Burns’s customers come here and change their preneed funeral arrangements.”
“They have?” Granny put her hand to her chest and sucked in. “Who?”
Granny’s response should’ve been, why didn’t they come see Emma Lee? Which was my question too.
“I’m not going to say, but let me tell you that I heard they put the wrong clothes on the wrong corpse.” Charlotte Rae’s grin was as big as the Grand Canyon. Granny clapped in delight like a little kid getting a piece of candy, turning my stomach in all sorts of directions at the sight. “Since I know you won’t tell . . .” Charlotte Rae leaned in and whispered, “Old man Ridley died and he was in some branch of the armed services. His family insisted he be buried in his hat. Also, Peggy Wayne was laid out in the room next to old man Ridley and her family wanted to make sure her family pearls were buried with her. When Ridley’s widow got there, he had on Peggy Wayne’s pearls and Peggy had on Ridley’s hat. Ridley’s widow jerked the hat off Peggy’s ice-cold body, taking her wig with it.”