Waltz in the Wilderness

by Kathleen Denly

  Hadn’t it?

  Chapter 17

  Eliza slammed the hotel room door behind her, fell back against it, and slumped to the floor. She stared into the darkness. Her shallow breathing echoing in the stark room.

  Minutes passed.

  She drew a deep breath.

  Mr. Clarke had betrayed her. Heat grew in her chest, spreading outward until her whole body burned. She jumped to her feet. She needed to hit or kick something. Nothing in the room satisfied as a target. She clenched her fists as her gaze darted about. She needed to do something. Her gaze landed on her new carpetbag. She crossed the room in three sharp strides and placed the bag on her bed beside her clean laundry.

  She was a fool.

  After snatching her chemise, she shook out its wrinkles.

  For three years she’d kept everyone at a distance. Only Uncle Henry had earned the slightest amount of trust after months of demonstrating his dependability.

  She folded the garment and added it to her bag. She did the same with her drawers and petticoats.

  Yet after a few days in Mr. Clarke’s company, she had allowed herself to trust him.

  She rolled her tattered stockings and stuffed them inside.

  Had she not promised herself she would never again risk such betrayal?

  She shook out her dress and folded it.

  Her own pa had deceived and abandoned her. Why had she believed she could rely on Mr. Clarke?

  After cramming her dress inside the bag, she shut it with a snap.

  She turned to survey the room. A small table sat near the door. She grabbed its edge. It emitted loud scrapes and groans as she dragged it to a more practical location near the window, where sunlight could illuminate its surface during the day.

  Her shoulders slumped.

  With both the bed and the table next to the window, the room appeared lopsided.

  Grabbing the bedframe, she dragged it, which emitted still louder scrapes and groans, in the opposite direction. She shoved it against the far wall.

  Her head throbbed.

  Now the bed’s length was too great to fit its new space without blocking the swing of the door.

  She’d made things worse. Again.

  Her breaths shortened.

  She fell onto the mattress. She had nothing. No one.

  Loud, deep moans pushed their way out of her. She buried her face in the pillow. She threaded her fingers through her hair, clutching at her scalp, and screamed into the mattress. Her stomach cramped. Her lungs burned. Her whole body curled in on itself, shaking. Sob after sob wracked her body as the depth of her losses sliced through her.

  Daniel stood outside Eliza’s room as she grieved.

  He’d followed her inside the hotel, hoping for a chance to explain, but as he approached her door, the high-pitched scraping of furniture being dragged across a wood floor stopped him in his tracks. When the scraping stopped, he raised his hand to knock.

  Then she’d started crying.

  The sounds of her anguish anchored him in place. He should have told her. He’d convinced himself the deception was for her good, but the disgusting truth was that he’d wanted her on that ship so that he wouldn’t have to worry—wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving her. What had made him think he had the right to try to control her life? She had the right to make her own decisions, the same as he did. The question now was, when the ship sailed in the morning, could he leave her behind?

  He bowed his head. Lord, please show me what to do.

  “As we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone.” His father’s favorite verse. How was Daniel to do good to everyone? If he remained to help Eliza, he would be causing dear, sweet, patient Alice to wait still longer for his return. If he left with the ship to return to Alice, he would leave Eliza alone and unprotected.

  He trudged to his room. He needed his Bible.

  After a long while, Eliza ran out of tears. She lay on the bed, still curled, staring at the wall. The cold seeped into her bones and she shivered. Then stirred herself enough to shift her weight off the scratchy blanket and pull it over her.

  Enough moping. What were her options?

  She could return to San Francisco, risking what she now understood were the very real dangers of traveling alone. Beg her aunt and uncle to take her back, or else find work…somewhere, along with a family willing to let her a room. All at the expense of her uncle’s reputation.

  Or she could accept Mr. Clarke’s unorthodox offer to escort her to Roxbury. Throw herself upon the mercy of his parents until she could find a suitable place to work and live. Despite his deception, she believed his offer sincere.

  Or she could stay here. Travel alone to the mountains and face any number of dangers that she was ill-equipped to handle.

  God, grant me the wisdom and the strength to do what’s right. She waited, but no whispering voice offered guidance—which was how Mama had described the voice of God.

  A voice Eliza had never heard.

  Outside her window, the moon ambled through the night sky as she mulled over the possibilities. Though she tried, she could not find peace in either returning to San Francisco or continuing to Roxbury. Yet traveling into the mountains alone, was foolish. Did they have bears in San Diego? There would be storms this time of year. How much snow did the mountains here get? How would she defend herself if she encountered another man like the steward?

  Her eyelids drooped low. Her mind grew still. She drifted into sleep.

  Chapter 18

  Eliza’s eyes popped open. Men travel alone into the mountains every day.

  She sat up with a start. Why hadn’t she thought of that before? Throwing the blanket aside, she stood and smoothed the wrinkles from her sleep-pressed dress. Since she had not removed her boots the night before, fixing her hair and pinning her bonnet in place were all that were required before she left. The door would not fully open with the bed in the way, but it swung wide enough for her to pass through.

  She would fix that later.

  Stepping out of the hotel into the sun-drenched plaza, she squinted against the brightness but didn’t slow. She crossed the plaza to a mercantile that displayed ready-made clothes and other sundries in the window.

  The clerk hurried toward her. “What a delightful surprise, Miss Brooks. I thought you’d left us with the rest of the passengers this morning.”

  Everyone seemed to know her name and her business in this sleepy town. Eliza drew back. “Have they gone?”

  “Yes, miss. Nearly two hours ago, I hear.”

  So, Mr. Clarke was gone. Eliza struggled to maintain a calm appearance. The light of morning had brought a clearness of mind. While Mr. Clarke’s act of deception was deplorable, his intentions were likely to protect her in the same high-handed way he’d been using since leaving San Francisco.

  The clerk’s brows pinched. “You weren’t meant to be with them, were you, miss?”

  “Oh no.” She forced herself to smile and wave a dismissive hand. Before he could quiz her further, she asked him to show her the pre-made clothes display.

  She selected a men’s shirt and trousers, along with an over-large Panama hat that would help hide her long hair. A length of muslin would bind the rest of her feminine tells. To that, she added a length of rope for use as a belt.

  As he wrapped her purchases, the clerk cocked his head and examined her. “If the gentlemen for whom you intend these clothes has any trouble with the fit, please send him over and we’ll be happy to assist him with any necessary corrections.”

  Eliza recognized the implied question and replied the same way she had in her youth. “Thank you, sir, I will inform him of your kind offer.”

  “Will the gentleman be needing anything else, miss?”

  Pausing to consider, Eliza scuffed her boot on the wood flooring. Boots! Her bitty women’s boots would be a dead giveaway. She needed men’s boots to complete the disguise.

  His feet planted wide in the sand, Daniel waved to the passenger
s on the S.S. Golden Gate as they steamed out of the bay.

  He tipped his face to soak in the morning sun, his steps light as he returned to town.

  He had informed the captain that he would not continue to Boston at this time. He also gave the captain letters to deliver to his parents and his fiancée.

  His parents would be disappointed by his delayed return. Alice? When she read that he was about to spend several days alone in the wilderness with an unmarried woman...she would be livid. Understandably so. What he was doing went against so much that his parents had taught him about propriety...

  He drew a deep breath.

  After hours of reading his Bible and begging God for a way out of this situation—one that wouldn’t hurt Alice or leave Eliza vulnerable—the truth had slipped into his heart with an inexplicable surety.

  Forced to choose between Eliza’s safety and what society deemed proper, he must choose Eliza’s safety. He prayed Alice would come to understand and accept his decision, but regardless, he could not ignore his conviction to do what was right in God’s eyes. He would deal with the consequences of his choices when he returned home.

  For now, he left it in God’s hands.

  Eliza peered down at the men’s shirt, trousers, and boots she wore. She had no mirror in the room to tell her, but she suspected the strips of fabric restricting her bosom beneath the baggy garments were not concealing her curves as well as she would like. Had Pa been right? Had she grown too womanly to pass as a man?

  She jerked at the cuff of her sleeve. Tugged at the shirt creating a drooping fullness above the rope belt. She shook out her hands. In a moment she would step out of her room and reveal her new self. If she were recognized as a woman dressed in men’s clothing, her reputation would be destroyed. She would be vulnerable to every kind of slander and lurid comment. There would be no going back.

  She straightened her spine and squared her shoulders. It wasn’t as if she had a better option. Her reputation would be scarcely less damaged and her vulnerability far greater were she to traverse the countryside as a woman.

  She jammed the Panama hat low on her head, shoved her hair into it, and snatched up her carpetbag. She reached for the doorknob and paused. Her shoulders were too straight. She relaxed her posture into the slouch more common of the miners. Adding a touch of heft to her step as well, she exited her room, pulling the door shut behind her.

  Chapter 19

  Eliza stopped cold in the hallway, staring at the man standing before her.

  “Mr. Clarke! You’re still here.” Why was her face spreading with a silly smile?

  Mr. Clarke stood still as a tree stump at the top of the stairs. His gaze moved from her face down to her men’s boots and back up again.

  Oh! She’d forgotten how she was dressed.

  Resisting the urge to flee to the safety of her room, she lifted a brow as his gaze traveled down again, lingering on her legs. “Do I pass?”

  “Pass?” He blinked and looked at her face. “What are you wearing?”

  “Pass as a man.” She planted a hand on her hip. “If you didn’t know me, would you recognize me as a woman?” She swiveled to show him the full ensemble.

  Mr. Clarke’s gaze started to lower, but he spun away and spoke to the wall. “Miss Brooks, there is no chance anyone could ever mistake you for a man—whatever you chose to wear.”

  She released the breath she’d been holding.

  Mr. Clarke cleared his throat, still staring at the wall. “Miss Brooks, will you please change into something…more appropriate?”

  Her cheeks flamed and she whirled around. She yanked open the door to her room, stepped inside and shut it behind her.

  It only took moments for her to strip the men’s clothes from her body and dress in the more restrictive garments of a woman. Her cheeks hurt from grinning.

  Mr. Clarke had not left with the ship! What could this mean?

  She folded the men’s clothes and pressed them into her carpetbag—pressing her lips down as well. She would not get her hopes up. That he hadn’t left with the others did not mean he intended to help her. Getting excited would only serve to distract her when the truth was revealed. She needed to focus on the task at hand.

  She gathered her things, then went downstairs, where she found Mr. Clarke chatting with Mr. Tebbetts by the fire in the front room.

  Mr. Tebbetts smiled at her as she set her bag by the door. “Good morning, Miss Brooks.”

  “Good morning, Mr. Tebbetts.”

  “I trust you’ve enjoyed your stay with us and will tell all your friends in San Francisco of our fine accommodations.”

  “Of course.” She had no one to write to aside from her Uncle—and she could not imagine him leaving his business long enough to take a trip to San Diego—but she would tell him nevertheless.

  “Thank you. I understand you’re to catch the clipper bound for San Francisco this afternoon. Have you had word of your father, then? Is he not here but up north?”

  Eliza blinked. What was he talking about?

  “Speaking of our departure”—Mr. Clarke took Eliza’s elbow—“you must excuse us, for there is much to accomplish before we leave.” He strode to the door, Eliza in tow, giving her no chance to refuse. At the front door, he lifted her carpetbag and held it out to her.

  Mr. Clarke was up to something. Best to wait until they were outside to find out what.

  Daniel led Eliza toward the center of the plaza before pivoting to face her. But, as usual, the woman spoke before he could.

  “I thought you were an honorable man, but it seems telling lies comes naturally to you.”

  He ran a hand over his face. “I did not lie to Mr. Tebbetts. When you didn’t leave with the other passengers, he made an assumption, which I refrained from correcting. I’ll explain my reason for this in a moment. But first, please allow me to apologize for deceiving you last evening. I deeply regret my actions. It was very unlike me and I have no excuse for it. I hope that you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  As expected, she crossed her arms without comment.

  “As you see, I too, remained behind this morning. I’ve decided that, if you are determined to venture into the mountains in search of your father, it is my duty to accompany you and keep you safe.”

  “Wh—”

  “That said”—he raised a hand for patience—“it will not do your reputation any favors to announce our plans. I’ve decided we shall allow people to believe that I’m planning to escort you to your ship before continuing my trip into the mountains alone, as Mr. Tebbetts appears to have assumed.” He tapped his finger against the side of his thigh. “Despite what my actions of late may lead you to believe, I deplore deception and I refuse to lie. However, I am attempting to avoid the appearance of evil where you and I know none truly exists. I recognize it’s far from a perfect plan—there’s still a good chance rumors will flow—but it’s the best plan I can devise under the circumstances.”

  He paused to ascertain her reaction, but her expression was inscrutable.

  She tilted her head to the side. “What of your fiancée? Won’t she object to your plans?”

  “Undoubtedly. But as you once told me, ‘That ship has sailed. Literally.’” He shrugged. “I sent a letter of explanation with this morning’s ship and hope to win Miss Stevens’s forgiveness when I finally return to Roxbury. Meanwhile, I will fulfill my duty here and leave the consequences in the Lord’s hands.”

  “I see.” She was quiet for several moments as she studied him. Then her eyes sparkled and a gentle smile lifted her cheeks. “Thank you. You’ve proved yourself a generous and kind man. With the notable exception of last evening’s deception—for which you have repented—you’ve been in every way my unexpected benefactor. Please do not think me insensible of it. Of course, you’re forgiven, and I sincerely thank you for your assistance in finding my pa.”

  Of all the reactions he’d expected, this reasoned and kind response hadn’t even entere
d his mind. Daniel tossed his head back and laughed. “You are an incredible woman. You repeatedly have my head over the smallest of unintended offenses, but when I’ve done something truly deplorable and worthy of a tongue lashing, you graciously forgive.”

  Eliza frowned for a moment, then her lips trembled and she burst out laughing as well. “Well, Mr. Clarke, what now?”

  “You have all your things in that bag?” He nodded to the carpetbag at her feet.

  She bent and lifted it from the ground. “All my personal things, yes, but I still need to stop by the store for food, blankets, a tinderbox, and other sundries I’ll need for the journey.”

  “Good. Make a list and I’ll make those purchases for you, to avoid any questions. I’ve already told Tebbetts that I intend to travel overland, so my making the purchases shouldn’t draw any attention.”

  She scrunched her lips together. “I’ll need to come with you to pay.” She stuck her hand into her skirt and coins jingled.

  He firmed his mouth. “Don’t worry about the cost. Just make me a list. I’ll pay for what we need.”

  She drew her hand from her pocket. “You wouldn’t need anything if you’d boarded that ship this morning. You remained to help me. It’s only right that I should pay for our supplies.”

  What she said made sense, but he would not give in. He didn’t know what amount of money she carried in that pocket of hers, but he could guess it wasn’t much. And it would have to last her a long while. Especially if, as he suspected, they could not find her father. “Still, I’m afraid I can’t allow you to come.”