by Vivian Wood
He scoots a few inches closer, his eagerness apparent. “Give me another chance.”
I stare at him, my heart breaking all over again. The tide of my emotions is rushing up and any moment now, it will overrun me, make weak.
For this man sitting in front of me, there is almost nothing that I would not do, nowhere I wouldn’t go.
I already know that I'm going to say yes when I open my mouth again.
I look at him firmly, my eyes searching his. “There have to be rules,” I say. My voice is barely more than a whisper, but he hears me just fine.
The joy and relief immediately apparent on his face is about the most satisfying thing that I have ever seen.
“I love rules,” he says. He glances down and scrunches his face up. “That’s a lie, I hate them. But I can learn to love them.”
I exhale a shaky breath. “You can't ever raise your voice to me in anger. Never, ever again. For any reason. Any time you are angry, you have to learn to control yourself. That's my first rule.”
He grabs both my knuckles and brings them up to his mouth, kissing them.
“Anything,” he says. “I swear it.”
I nod. “I don't forgive you. Not yet. But I am willing to work on things with you. That is, assuming you are serious about seeing a therapist.”
“Absolutely. In fact, I asked Dr. Lane to be in his office downstairs in case you were willing to start right now, this very second. I’m ready to prove myself to you.”
I have to pull one of my hands away to dash away tears that start running down my cheeks.
“Calum, I love you so much. I would do anything for you. As long as you can love our baby too, that's enough for me. That would make my heart happy.”
He takes a deep breath. “I can't say that I am thrilled to be a father, especially now, when you are so young. But I will work through it. I will figure out how to be happy. I will try my absolute hardest to love this baby as much as I love you.”
I wipe both my eyes and Calum stands up, offering me his hand. I slip my smaller hand into his big one and he pulls me up right, stepping in close to press his frame against my body.
It feels endless, the act of kissing him. Without even thinking about it, my hands twine around his neck, my face tips upward, and I press up on my tiptoes. He meets me halfway, his mouth finding mine in a hungry kiss.
Demanding, possessive, searching.
I sigh against his mouth and let him in, let him invade and dominate.
Hell, I welcome it. He tastes sweet but salty, fresh but impossibly deep. My heart slams against my ribs, happy and confused and excited to be in his presence once more.
Eventually, he pulls back an inch, looking down at me. “Should we go? Dr. Lane awaits…”
I slip my arms around his shoulders and give him a quick, hard hug. “I think we should.”
He steps away and tucks my arm against his elbow, leading the way to the elevator.
33
I straighten my tie as the limo pulls up to the graveyard. Kaia reaches out and grabs my hands, leaving it and giving me a reassuring look.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?”
I push out my cheek with my tongue but then sigh. “Dr. Lane thinks that it'll be good for me. And since I have only been seeing him for three weeks, I think that I should listen to him instead of my inner voice.”
The limo pulls to a stop. Kaia raises her eyebrows.
“What's your inner voice telling you right now?” she asks.
I smirk at her just a little. “It's telling me to burn it all to the fucking ground. Whatever that means.”
She smiles at me. “I’m going to be right by your side the entire time. Just say the word and we will leave.”
My lips lift at the corners. “Thanks. I think I'm ready to face Anita one last time.”
Sliding out of the car, I shade my eyes against the early autumn sunlight. Kaia immediately pulls her coat closer to her body, shivering against the cool air. I step closer to her and wrap her in one side of my coat, pulling her close. She has been persistently cold for the last two weeks, her body apparently working overtime to heat the fragile life in her womb.
“I got you,” I murmur.
She shoots me an appreciative look as we approach the cemetery gate. Just up ahead to the left of the gates is a massive mausoleum. The Fordham name is on it, big block letters chiseled into the dark granite.
After a lot of debate, the family crypt is really the only place that Anita’s remains should be stored. At least this way Lucas will feel like her body was respected.
I clamp my lips shut and try not to sigh out loud.
As we get closer to the mausoleum, I can make out my brother Lucas. He's standing and talking with a pretty, dark haired girl in a stylish black minidress. Beside them is Kaia's friend Ella, looking elegant as always in her black pantsuit and slicked back dark hair.
As we approach them, Kaia lets go of my hand and hugs Ella, then gives the other girl a quick arm squeeze.
“Hello Manon. I didn't know that you would be joining us today.”
Manon gives Kaia a devilish look. “Well, here I am.”
Kaia chuckles. “Yes, indeed.”
I quickly embrace Lucas, casting my gaze over Manon. When I pull back, Lucas clears his throat.
“Calum, this is Manon. She is… my friend.”
I squint at her, a frown appearing on my face. But Dr. Lane put a few rules in place for me today, to make sure that I handle this brief ceremony as well as possible.
One of those rules is not to asked too many questions or to let myself get upset over small things. So I merely incline my head. If Manon notices my reaction, she doesn't seem to.
“Is this everyone?” Lucas asks.
I look to Kaia, arching a brow. She shakes her head.
“My mom and my sister are supposed to meet us here.” She checks her phone, her mouth turning down at the corners. “They are five minutes late, though. So I say that we just get started without them.”
Lucas leads the charge as we shuffle up the steps and pull open the mausoleum doors. The crypt is well kept, it's lights flickering on as soon is the doors are opened. The wall directly in front of us is a memorial for those that have died. The wall is just smooth gray stone with the names of hundreds of our relatives chiseled neatly in rows.
I wait as long as possible to follow everyone else inside. As I am crossing the threshold, I hear a woman’s voice.
“We are coming! We are coming! Sorry!”
I turn and spot two figures hurrying across the graveyard, one making sure not to step on any consecrated ground. That's Kaia's mother, Serena. Kaia's sister Hazel follow behind, seeming not to care whether she walks over graves or not.
Against my better judgment, it makes me like her a little bit more.
I wait at the door of the crypt until the two women make it up the steps and sweep past me.
Kaia's mother stops to acknowledge my recent loss; she gives my hand an awkward pat and says hello. Hazel doesn't greet anyone and just stands to the side, her expression aloof.
Introductions are made in short order, with Serena insisting on hugging everyone.
Lucas smiles a little sadly. He turns and regards the wall. “Where is Anita’s name?”
Manon replies. “There it is. The last entry, Anita Cahill. No date of birth, no date of death. Just her name, plain and simple.”
Lucas makes eye contact with me as Serena hugs Kaia. He raises his eyebrows and asks me a question.
“Do you want to start?”
Pursing my lips, I shake my head. “Nope. This is your show. I'm just here to support you. So say what you have come here to say.”
He clears his throat, his gaze tightening on my face for a second. And then he turns away, holding out a hand to Manon. She clasps it.
He draws in a long breath.
Lucas clears his throat. “Anita was a complicated woman. There is no denying that. But I remember her
best as my second mother, the one who would play hide and seek, the one who would always give me quarters for candy. She did not lead a blameless life. In fact, she was more of a villain then almost anyone I know. But we gather here today to mourn a life passed. Nothing more, nothing less.”
He is quiet for a moment. Then he looks up, a tear shimmering in his eye.
He and I make eye contact. Again, he raises his brows, as if he expects me to speak. I have nothing to say, especially not over Anita's newly interred ashes. I shrug, looking instead to Kaia.
She's shivering again and that gives me a reason to open my coat and step up behind her, closing the two sides around her. She glances at me and mouths thank you.
My mouth curves up. There is always happiness to be found in the world, as long as she is around.
Kaia's mother clears her throat. We all look at her, surprised.
“I am afraid that I didn't know Anita. I'm only here because my daughter asked me to be. But I will say now that the souls of the dead are looked after by God, their final arbitrator. So maybe Anita find her eternal rest, whether that be among the angels or not.”
She sniffles a little, clearly emotional.
Seeing her expressing emotion is hard for me, but I am determined to just let it pass. I don't need to remark on her feelings. And Dr. Lane would be proud that I recognize that.
Instead, I focus on my little family, keeping Kaia and our unborn baby warm inside my coat. That's something real, something I can touch and wrap my hands around when I need to.
Lucas glances around and sighs. “Okay. Well… I guess that's it then. Goodbye, Anita.”
I bow my head, unwilling to say another goodbye such a wicked woman.
We turn and amble out of the crypt, all the shading our eyes as we re-enter the bright sun.
Kaia grabs my hand and gives it a tug. I look down at her and she nods to her mom.
I speak up. “Serena?”
Her mom turns around, raising a hand to her chest. “Yes?”
“Would you mind if we talked to you for second?”
I catch Lucas's eye and he grins at me. Apparently he knows exactly what I am about to say to Kaia's mother. Ignoring him, Kaia and I walk with Serena until there is some distance between our party and the rest of the mourners.
Serena wrinkles her brow and looks between us. “What is it? Are you moving?”
Kaia reaches out and grasps her mother's hand. “I’m just telling you because you are my mom and it's only right that you should know. But please be aware that we are not telling people yet.”
Kaia’s mom’s eyes widen. “So you are moving?”
I smile a little. “We are expecting a child,” I cut in. “It will be due in the spring time.”
Serena’s expression of shock is so like Kaia’s, it almost takes my breath away. She blinks several times and then brings her hand to her mouth.
“Oh my God. Oh my God! That's… I'm so happy for both of you. Congratulations!”
She immediately hugs Kaia and then hugs me too, hard enough that the breath is almost knocked from my lungs. I grin a little bit at her teary-eyed exuberance.
“Thank you,” Kaia says.
I follow that up with, “We are very excited. Aren’t we?”
Kaia grins at me, misty eyed already. “Yes we are. We definitely are.”
She offers me a kiss, chaste enough given the setting. But I take advantage of it, pulling her in close and kissing her more deeply.
That's the thing with Kaia. There will never be enough kisses. Never be too much sex or too much intimacy.
It turns out, that's what I crave most. I’ve slowly discovered that in my sessions with Dr. Lane.
It doesn’t hurt that I also have a gorgeous girlfriend.
Eventually I am forced to let Kaia go. But I know that as soon as her family is gone, she'll come right back to me, into my arms, intending on staying there forever.
34
Looking around the dance studio, I bring my hands around my midsection and rub my belly. I've only just begun to really show. Since I have taken this position as a dance instructor, I still wear the same tights and leotard as when I was a ballerina.
But soon, they are definitely going to be too small for my growing body.
I clap my hands together a few times, calling the class of twelve-year-olds to order. “All right, all right! Can everybody please get settled in your places at the barre? It's time for class to begin.”
Tittering and moving easily in their ballet slippers, the students spread out and settle into the barre.
I walk around the room, checking that everyone is at least a few feet from their closest neighbors. “Betsy?” I wave my hand, shooing her backwards a couple steps. “There you go. That's better.
“Thanks Ms. Walker.”
I smiled coolly, trying to appear serene. These young girls don't know that it seems like only yesterday that I was their age.
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. “Okay, everyone. Let's start with some simple pliés. Can anyone demonstrate first position plié for the class?”
Several hands shoot up. I look around and call on one of the students. “Ashley?”
Ashley puts her feet into first position and then pliés beautifully. It's obvious to me that she has quite a bit of potential. She certainly works hard, which is at least half the battle.
“Okay, I'm going to turn the music on.” I walk over to the little boombox, pressing play. A lively Chopin tune begins to play. I turn to the class and count things off.
“All right! One, two, three, four, and—“
As the class begins to practice their moves, I walk around and point out little mistakes. Someone's feet are placed too far apart. Another girl’s back is not ramrod straight. Several girls are too wrapped up in the action of pliéing to tuck their tummies like they are supposed to do.
As I walk, I become aware of my tights once more. They chafe against my skin and remind me that tomorrow, I am going shopping for a better fitting pair.
The studio door opens. I turn and see Ella stride in, dressed head to toe as if she is still dancing in the New York ballet.
I lift a brow at her but she just smiles broadly at me and strides into the middle of the room, striking a pose. Then the door opens again and Manon comes in, dressed in her best ballet gear. With her white tights and leotard and her bright red pointe shoes, she cuts quite a figure. She pirouettes down the second row of girls and my class grows confused.
Everyone stops what they are doing and watches Manon.
“Ella, Manon…” I laugh. “We were in the middle of practicing pliés!”
My pleas fall on deaf ears, it seems. Ella and Manon don't even look at me. In fact, it seems that they have frozen in place.
Just as my smile begins to falter, the door to the studio opens again. Only this time, it's all the dancers from the New York Ballet. Everyone I've danced with, most of them for years. They are decked out in colorful costumes, some of which I even recognize from my time spent there.
Basil comes in next, grinning ear to ear and leaping as high as anyone. Say what you will about the man, but his body is still athletic, his physique still in its prime. I laugh a little, shocked, and bring my hands up to my mouth.
“What is happening?” I wonder aloud. “What is all this?”
No answer seems to be forthcoming. I find that a little frustrating but I go along with it, as it seems that everyone is having a grand old time.
Lucas enters the room, surprising me by being a rather excellent ballet dancer. He's clearly rusty, but he does a few grand jetés and manages to sweep of bow in my direction before he takes up a kneeling position on the far side of the room.
I look at him and my heart beat starts drumming in my chest.
If Lucas is here, Calum is surely not far behind.
True to form, the last one in the door is the love of my life. Calum enters, dark and dashing as always, quickly executing a combination
of jumps and pirouettes that leave me a little breathless.
I clasp my hands together and bite my lower lip, my eyes already misting over.
Calum looks directly at me, withdrawing a single red rose and dancing up to me. He gets down on one knee, handing the rose up to me.
Delighted, I step forward and take the rose from him.
“Maestro?” he calls.
Lucas steps forward, walking to the boom box and plugging his phone in. In seconds, he starts playing some Tchaikovsky. I soon recognize it as a song from Sleeping Beauty, a pas de deux from a scene near the end.
Calum bows to me, extending a hand. I step forward, slipping my hand into his.
“Do you remember the steps to this scene?”
I blush, my eyes locking on him. “I do…” I say quietly.
He grins. “Will you dance with me?”
“Of course,” I say, a little breathless.
His hands settle on my waist. I raise my arms over my head and ready myself. Then we are off, Calum lifting me as though I am almost weightless. I grin at him as I dance around him, pirouetting up a storm. He leaps and I perform a grand jeté.
As he lands, he pulls a light blue ring box from his pocket. He goes down on one knee, looking up at me with the sincerest expression.
I falter, stopping just before him. He takes my hand.
The whole world ceases to exist outside of the two of us.
“Kaia…”
“Yes, Calum?” I say, trying hard not to burst into tears.
He grips my hand. “Let me start off by saying that I know we have had a rough go of it. Things have been a little wild.”
I laugh. “A little, yes.”
“Still. We have weathered the storm together. We have a child on the way. And I think it’s time that we made the last step toward being together.”
He opens the ring box, flashing a huge diamond.
I put my hands over my mouth, my eyes filling with tears. “Are you serious right now?”
“I am as serious as I can be, Kaia. I want you to be my wife. I want to give you my name. I want a happily ever after and I know that you are the only person in the world that can give it to me.”