by Vivian Wood
I stand still, regarding the grandeur of the ocean.
Mysterious. Enigmatic. Unknowable.
How I wish that I were more like the roiling expanse of the sea that I look down upon now.
My lips twist bitterly. No, instead I am just a chump.
Not everyone can see my soft insides, of course. I work very hard to make my outer shell as hard and spiky as possible.
But Kaia saw it.
She knew just where to hit me so that I hurt. She took advantage of that weakness, that hesitant willingness to be open with her.
As I stand and stare out at the horizon where the seemingly endless blue sky meets the curve of the dark blue water, Lucas joins me.
He looks at me, sipping his beer silently. I scowl at him.
“What?”
He shrugs a shoulder and looks at me, giving me a baffled expression.
“You pulled me out of a work meeting and said that Kaia broke up with you. Then you refused to explain any of the surrounding events. And now I'm here, apparently…” He gives me a look. “It's all your show. I don't think that you have listened to a single word I've said this entire time.”
Glaring at my brother, I look up and let my head fall back. “Is this what it feels like to be alone?”
Lucas sighs. “Are you going to tell me what happened or not? What did she do? I'm one hundred percent sure that she didn't just break up with you out of the blue.”
I purse my lips and raise my arms to the sky. “No… No, she didn't. But she did tell me that she's pregnant.”
Silence reigns for half a minute, long enough for me to slide a glance over at Lucas. He has a dumbfounded expression on his face.
“She told you she’s pregnant?”
I give a bark of bitter laughter. “That's right. You heard it here first. I'm going to be a proud father. Fucking hell.”
He squints off into the distance. “So she told you that she was pregnant and then broke up with you? She didn't say anything? That doesn't sound like her.”
I pull a face. “It didn't happen exactly like that.”
He runs a hand over his face and then shoves it through his dark hair. “How about you just tell me what fucking happened and let me make up my own mind about it?”
His sharp tone catches me by surprise. I glance at him, frowning.
“We got up yesterday morning. The story about the two of us obviously broke in the morning papers. I was distracted by that… And then she sat me down and she told me that she is not only pregnant… but that she's keeping it.” I scowl. “End of story. What's so mysterious about that timeline?”
“Calum…”
I glance over at him, my gut roiling. “What?”
“Did Kaia break up with you?”
“She didn't have to. Every single time that we talked about the possibility of having kids, I was very clear with her. I told her that I wouldn't be a good father. Eventually, I told her that we could talk about it again in ten years. That was mostly just to get her off my back, though.”
He looks confused. “So did she say that she planned to get knocked up? I don't quite understand where your anger is stemming from.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, of course Kaia claims that the pregnancy was an accident…”
He cuts me off. “So let me just get this all straight. You dragged me out here after a story breaks about your life that sends our stock prices into a freefall… And you expect me to feel sorry for you because you accidentally knocked up your girlfriend?”
I narrow my gaze on his face. “You are making it sound really horrible right now and I can't even hear it. I just can’t.”
He raises his arms and lets out a frustrated shout. “What the fuck, Calum? You're being a complete ass. You realize that right?”
“I’m being an ass? I'm being taken advantage of. I thought that you of all people would back me up on this.”
“That sweet girl told you that you got her pregnant on the same day that she literally lost her job at the ballet. But instead of supporting her, you’re here whining to me because… What, you think that you won’t be a good father? I can't follow your logic. I just…”
He breaks off, shaking his head.
“You are here because you're supposed to back me up. It that not what brothers do?”
He glares at me. “Not when your brother is so clearly wrong. If it's such a big deal, have her sign some legal paperwork or whatever. A prenup, whatever paperwork to curtail her spending around the kid. But for God's sake, stop telling yourself this crazy narrative that Kaia is somehow out to get you. I swear, I will never understand your fixation with your money.”
Lucas throws his hands up.
I growl at him. “What you mean, you don't understand? I haven't signed the papers yet, but you are the next owner of a billion-dollar business. You’d better start understanding it very quickly.”
He looks at me, his throat working. “Kaia loves you. I don't know why she does because you're such a dick to her. In fact, I hope that she gets wise to your bullshit. But for now, that's a simple fact. Not a lot of people in the world can say with absolute certainty that someone loves them.”
“And what about the baby? Huh? Should I just pretend that I'm happy about it?”
He crosses his arms, looking at me with intense anger. “It takes two people to make a baby, the last time I checked. She said that her pregnancy was accidental. I don't know what else to even tell you.”
I turn away from the sea and toss my full can of beer as hard as I can against the house. “Fuck! This just really fucked up my five year plan.”
My brother is quiet for a moment. “What about Kaia’s five-year plan? Or maybe you didn’t stick around to ask her about that?”
I bear my teeth and make a frustrated sound. “Fuck you. I’m going for a run.”
Without waiting for him, I turn and walk back into the house. In a few minutes, I am dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, ready for my run. I head out and start pushing myself, running at a punishing pace. Everything that I was mad about earlier still simmers within my blood but there is something new, too. A sense of uncertainty has leaked into my thoughts.
What if Lucas is right? What if I have been thinking about all of this the wrong way?
I run through the winding hillsides, trying to work out exactly what the truth is in my own mind. But it's not so simple as just deciding what the facts may be.
No, because there is no way of knowing certain things. And because there is no knowing, it requires some degree of trust.
Trust in Kaia, yes. Obviously. But more than that…
It requires that I have faith in myself.
I have to believe that I could be someone's father. Someone's rock of Gibraltar.
I would have to commit to be there for someone that I don’t even know. Unconditional support. And I just can’t trust another person that much, even my unborn child.
…right?
It would require faith and trust in another person, but also in myself. I would have to be a source of strength and loyalty and I just don’t know if I have what it takes.
I push myself until I crest a hill and then I slow to a stop, my hands on my knees, unable to drag in enough breath.
Is that what this is all about? Am I lashing out at Kaia because I am afraid that I will not be enough?
As soon as I have that thought, I know that it's dead on the money. I hold my hands out wide and scream into the surrounding hillside.
“Fuck!”
When will I learn to stop taking every petty grievance I have out on Kaia?
I imagine her right now, crying because of my words.
I did that. I hurt her.
Fuck, it’s going to be so hard to undo the damage I have done.
A better question might be, how do I even go about apologizing for yesterday morning's outburst?
I take my time jogging back to the house, trying to work out what I should do in my head. When I enter through the
back door, I find Lucas standing in the kitchen, drinking can of beer. He arches a single eyebrow at me.
“Well?”
The back of my neck heats. “I was wrong,” I admit.
He purses his lips and nods. “Yup.”
I hang my head. “I called her a whore. I told her to get out of my apartment and I called her a whore. There is no coming back from that kind of statement.”
He sucks in a breath and exhales it slowly. “I think that you need to reconsider going to therapy. I don't mean this casual once a week goal should either. I mean three or four times a week for a few months at least.”
He puts his hands on his hips and looks at me, waiting for my reaction. I shake my head, feeling pretty worthless.
“Do you think that will be enough to win Kaia back?”
He screws up his face. “No. I don't. But you have to do it anyway. You have to not just promise that you'll change. You have to also prove to her that you are doing everything in your power to make it stick.”
My face contorts.
“Will you help me?”
It's hard to ask him that question, but it's even harder to face the future without Kaia.
But I want her in my life. I need her. Really I do.
He walks over to me and pats my shoulder. “Yeah, man. I will. You go shower and change clothes and then we will sit down and figure out a plan to keep Kaia in your life.”
I look at him, swallowing against a lump of emotion that swells in my throat. “I can't lose her. I don't know how to go back to being alone.”
He gives my shoulder a squeeze and then steps away.
“I know. Go shower. Then we will figure out just what to do about it.”
I nod, heading upstairs, my mind on Kaia.
32
A week later, I step out of my cab and peer up at a bland beige Manhattan city building. Checking the text message that Lucas sent me earlier again, I confirmed that it's the right address. My heart pounds in my chest.
Since I walked out of the apartment that I shared with Calum, I have been keeping my head down. There have been paparazzi following me everywhere, so after practicing several evasive maneuvers, I headed to stay with my mom in a fancy hotel.
I don’t know how to cope with anything. I don’t know how to start planning an alternate future, one with no Calum.
A future with a baby.
I was just lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, and wishing everything had turned out differently when I got a text from Lucas.
9-1-1. Come to 4170 Jefferson Street ASAP.
Little fool that I am, I am following his instructions.
“This had better be worth my time,” I mutter to myself. But I know in my heart that even if it isn’t, I can’t do anything about it. I feel weak and powerless without Calum here by my side, propping me up.
My stomach turns as I consider the building. This is the address that Lucas sent me, but I don’t recognize it. I furrow my brow and head inside.
I enter the building, taken aback by how simple the lobby is. I assumed somehow that maybe this would be a fancy lobby but it isn’t… the floors are made of brown stone and the walls are all a tan color. There is nothing special about this place at all.
I spot the building attendant sitting at a small desk by the elevators. I am a little confused walking up to him. He perks up.
“Ms. Walker?”
My heart beat speeds up even more, pounding in my ears. “That's me…” I say, confused. “Do you know why I'm here?”
He shakes his head. “Nope. I would just told to let you know that Mr. Fordham will meet you on the roof.”
“The roof?” I ask. “What's on the roof?”
He shrugs a shoulder. “No idea. I've never sent anyone up there, to be honest with you.”
I hesitate, my eyes swiveling to the elevators. Lucas didn't give me much information to go on so I am practically walking into this situation blind. I turn back to the lobby attendant.
“This building doesn't have any medical offices in it, right?”
I hate to ask, but it has definitely occurred to me that I could be walking into a women’s health clinic that does very discreet terminations.
He frowns. “Not medical doctors… There are a few therapists. Does that help you in any way?”
I give him a reassuring smile. “That's fine, thanks. I should head on upstairs.”
I walk to the elevator and he just bobs his head at me.
The ride up in the elevator is mercifully swift but filled with anxiety for me. When the doors open, I expect one of two things.
Either I will see some dazzling display set up on this rooftop, yet another of Calum's apologies. There is probably a dazzling view or something worth seeing on this rooftop, in that case.
Or perhaps it is Lucas that I am here to meet. Though what he could have to say I’m not sure.
But when I step out of the elevator doors, I see neither.
Instead, I see Calum pacing back and forth on the building rooftop between two air conditioning ducts. When I step forward and a clear my throat, he looks up. The expression on his face is so fraught with nerves that it somehow makes me less worried to be here.
If Calum is nervous too, I'm in good company.
He clears his throat as I approach, eyeing him carefully.
He gives me a little bow. “I wasn't sure you would come. Thank you.”
I pull the lapels of my coat tighter around me and cast my gaze over the rooftop. “I wasn't sure that I would, either. Now that I'm here, I'm not quite sure why you asked me to come.”
He jerks his head over to a rickety wooden bench that I didn't see before now. “I’m just glad you're speaking to me. Can we sit?”
My eyebrows arch delicately but I already know the answer. I nod my head and make my way over, perching on one end of the bench.
Calum sits down, sucking in a huge breath.
“I don't know quite how to begin. I guess I'll start with an apology.” He looks at me, pinning me with his gaze. “I am so sorry, Kaia. I know that probably won't go near making excuses for me or my behavior the other day…”
I cut him off. “Calum…” I sigh.
He holds up a hand. “Wait. Please, hear me out. Then you can decide whether you want to leave or stay.”
I scan his face, hesitating. My thoughts are an absolute mess. But honestly, what is the worst thing that he can do right now? After all, I'm already here. I might as well listen to what he has to say.
I cross my arms and lift a hand in a sweeping gesture. “Go ahead. Say what you came here to say.”
He inches closer to me, touching the back of my hand. My lips thin.
I don't make any move to pull away, but neither do I turn my hand over. My heart drums loudly at the very touch of his skin. I swallow and try to keep my face compose in a cool mask.
He clears his throat, looking down at our hands. “First of all, I want to apologize. I’m sorry, Kaia. I was really upset the other day, which doesn't excuse my behavior at all. I said things… I called you names… I blamed you for getting pregnant, which obviously is not your fault.”
He pauses, his mouth twisting to the side. “I know that I am not ready to be a parent just yet. But I have seven or eight months to get ready, to be a good parent and a good partner. And that's what I want.”
I squint at him. “And how are you going to do that, I wonder?”
My sarcasm doesn't go unnoticed, but he merely nods.
“I want to change. I really, really want it. I think I wanted it since before we met, honestly. I've been walking around for so long with all this anger and hatred and fear inside me, compressed down so deep that it's almost a part of who I am.” He looks up at me, his blue eyes glinting. “I knew that it was a problem before I even ever met you. But in the process of falling in love with you, I've realized that I want more from my life than walking around angry all the time.”
I purse my lips and cock my head. He holds hi
s hand up, signaling that he is not done.
Calum grips my hand, turning it over and stroking my palm. “I can't change alone. You have taught me that. I think that if you went back in time and talk to me several months ago, I would not believe that I am in the position that I'm in. That I'm asking you for another chance. I think I used to flit from one girl to another because it was easier than letting my heart settle down.”
I draw a deep breath. “What you're saying is good to hear. But I don't really see how you’re going to change. I see willingness but I don't see a vehicle.”
He squeezes my hand again, reminding me of the connection that runs between us.
“That's actually why we are here. We are on top of the offices of Dr. Lane.”
At that word doctor, my heart rate shoots shy high. “Is this about the pregnancy?”
He shakes his head. “No. Dr. Lane is the psychologist. And he has agreed to see me. Four times a week for the next four weeks. Then we can re-assess my needs.” He squeezes my hand again.
“Please, if you can find a way to forgive me, I swear that I will work hard every day at being your perfect man. And I will use Dr. Lane to dissect why I am so afraid of having a child. By the time that the baby is born, I swear I will have my head on straight. That I promise you.”
He looks so earnest just now, peering down at me.
“Please, say you will give me another chance. It's the last one I will ever ask you for.”
I bite my lower lip, tears misting over my eyes.
“I love you, Calum. I really do.” My voice breaks. “But I can't go through this again. A person can only put up with so much, even for someone that they really love.”
He bows his head low and brings my hand up to his lips. He places a kiss there, lingering for a long moment. When he looks up again, I see a sheen of tears in his eyes.
“Please, Kaia. I love you so much. And whatever you say, I will abide by. Whatever rules you set, whatever boundaries. I will do anything for you. You have to know that.”
I swallow against the lump of emotion that rises in my throat. “You're saying all the right things. You know that?”