3d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  Julian folded his arms. “I can’t reach him right now. He’s out of range.”

  “Bullshit,” said Tim. “If Cooper starts beating the shit out of you, I bet he’ll come flying back.”

  “I’m not going to beat the shit out of Julian,” said Cooper. As an afterthought, he added, “Dave should get a pet bird.”

  Dave nodded slowly. “That’d be awesome.”

  “I’m not bullshitting you,” said Julian. “If we’re more than a mile away from each other, we lose our empathic link.”

  “Julian!” screeched Ravenus, flying in from over the sea.

  Julian looked at his feet. “Shit.”

  “Look out, sir! There’s a dinosaur right in front of you!”

  Julian looked up and waved. “Thank you, Ravenus. We saw him.”

  “No worries, sir! I’ll take care of him!” He flew wide around to come at Terrence from the side and slightly above. The trajectory he was in would take him buzzing past the back of the dinosaur’s head.

  “No, Ravenus,” Julian called out. “It’s too dangerous. Wait until we –”

  “BWAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” Ravenus screeched as he started his dive, apparently hoping to annoy the beast to death.

  “Stop, Ravenus!” Julian yelled. “Pull up!”

  “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—”

  Terrence’s head whipped around a full one hundred and eighty degrees to snatch Ravenus out of the air. In a fraction of a second, before the echoes of the bird’s battle cry had faded, Terrence’s head had sprung back into its proper, forward-facing position, and he stood silently again, like a giant reptilian Buddhist monk.

  Tim was in some deep shit.

  “He’s gone,” Julian finally said.

  “Dude,” said Tim. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t think –”

  “It doesn’t make sense.”

  “I know you must be –”

  “It makes perfect sense,” said Dave.

  “Jesus Christ, Dave,” said Tim. “Not now, okay?”

  “It’s just like in the movie,” Dave continued. “You know how the dinosaurs had the frog DNA, so they could switch gender and populate the island?”

  Tim caught a glimpse of Felix and Alonzo looking questioningly down at Gilda, like maybe this was a dwarf thing. She shrugged. Dave kept talking.

  “Well dinosaurs are the ancestors of modern birds, right? So it makes sense that they’d share some of the same DNA.”

  “Man, I don’t know where you’re going with this, but now is not the –”

  “Some species of birds, like owls, can swivel their heads all the way around to their backs, so–"

  “So who gives a fuck?” said Tim.

  “Just let me finish my thought.”

  “No!” said Tim. “Look, I see where you’re going with this, and I’ll grant you it makes about as much sense as that frog DNA bullshit in the movie, but nobody gives a hot, steamy dino-shit right now about how Terrence was able to turn his head around. Our friend is in pain.”

  “That’s the part that doesn’t make sense,” said Julian. “I feel fine.”

  Tim wasn’t familiar with the recognized stages of grief that people were supposed to go through, but he didn’t think ‘indifference’ was on the list. He wanted to proceed carefully, but also be straightforward.

  “Your familiar just died, man. Maybe you’re in shock or something, but when it hits you, it’s gonna hit hard. And I think you’ll lose some Experience Points. I just want you to know that – ”

  Julian looked down at Tim. “I don’t think he’s dead.”

  Denial. That was definitely one of the stages. “Dude, he just got eaten by a dinosaur. We all saw it.”

  “He could have been swallowed whole,” suggested Cooper. “Maybe he’s still being digested.”

  “Cooper!” snapped Tim. “Not helping!”

  Julian shook his head. “It’s not that either. If that was the case, I’d feel his pain. I’d feel him suffocating. But I don’t feel anything.”

  “Maybe you’re just a heartless son of a bitch,” said Cooper.

  Tim glared at Cooper. “Still not helping!”

  “It feels more like when our empathic link gets cut,” said Julian. “Like when he flies out of –” He dropped to his knees and grabbed Tim by the shoulders. “That’s it!”

  “What’s it?” said Tim. “What just happened?”

  Julian spun Tim around and yanked his head back, so that he was staring up at the dinosaur. “Terrence!”

  Tim raised a hand and waved at Terrence. “Sup?”

  “No, you fool!” said Julian, spinning Tim around to face him again. “Don’t you see? Terrence isn’t guarding the portal. Terrence is the portal!”

  “I don’t know, man,” said Tim. “That sounds a little farfetched to me.”

  Julian turned to Cooper and Dave. “What do you guys think?”

  “Uh…” said Cooper.

  “Awesome!” said Dave.

  “Who gives a shit what they think?” said Tim. “Cooper’s an idiot and Dave’s still high as fuck.”

  “I think it’s a perfectly plausible theory,” Alonzo called out.

  “Well there you go,” said Julian, looking smugly down at Tim.

  “Do I have to remind you that he straight up said that he wanted to see us get eaten by dinosaurs?”

  “Is there no one that you trust?”

  “Enough to convince me to go leaping into a tyrannosaurus’s mouth? No. No one comes to mind.”

  Julian looked past Tim and nodded toward the sea. “What about that guy?”

  Tim turned around. The beach was empty. “Who the hell are you talk—” Shit! He used his Bluff skill! By the time he turned back around, Julian was sprinting, having already covered about a third of the distance between him and Terrence. Tim couldn’t hope to catch Julian with his little legs, but Cooper might be able to.

  “Cooper!” Tim cried. “Get him!”

  Cooper was facing the wrong way, squinting toward the beach. “I can’t even fucking see him. Where is he?”

  “Not him! Julian!”

  “Huh?” Cooper turned around. “Oh shit!” He displaced about ten pounds of sand as he took off after Julian. “Dude! Stop! Are you fucking crazy?”

  For all his faults, Cooper could run like a motherfucker. It would be close, but Tim estimated that Cooper might reach Julian just in the nick of time to save him.

  Julian looked back over his shoulder, and evidently came up with the same estimate. “Horse!” A second later, Julian was mounted on a beige stallion.

  Cooper stopped running. “Come on, man. Don’t kill yourself over a goddamn bird.”

  “Ravenus is alive,” said Julian. “He’s going to come looking for me. If I don’t get there before he flies out of range, I may really lose him forever.” He looked up at Terrence, aligned his horse, and whipped down the reins. “Yah!”

  The horse bolted toward the dinosaur at full gallop while Tim stood helplessly and watched.

  As any idiot could have predicted, as soon as Julian got close enough, the giant tyrannosaurus bent over, quick as a bolt of lightning, and ate both Julian and horse in a single bite.

  Tim hurled his empty coconut shell at Terrence, who was standing upright once again. “Stupid, stubborn bastard. Died like he lived.”

  “How’s that?” asked Cooper.

  “Killing horses.”

  Cooper let out a small, listless snort of a laugh, and an equally unenthusiastic fart.

  “I don’t think he’s dead,” said Dave.

  Tim balled up his tiny fists. “Well look who finally got his head out of the fucking clouds. Thank you so much for your opinion, Mr. Cheech and Chong.”

  “Those are actually two people, you know.”

  “That’s exactly the sort of reasoning that just got Julian killed. What do you want to do? Keep chasing each other into Terrence’s mouth like he’s the old lady who swallowed the fly?”

  “Ah ha!” said Dave. “And
what finally did the old lady in?”

  “I don’t know,” said Tim. “A horse?”

  “That’s right. And what did Terrence just swallow?”

  “Terrence is a goddamn fifty foot tall tyrannosaurus! The old woman was a fucking… old woman! It stands to reason that she’d die if she tried to swallow a horse.”

  “The bird was stretching the limits of credibility.”

  “Was there a point to any of this?”

  “Terrence is big, sure,” said Dave. “But big enough to swallow a whole horse and an elf at the same time? No screaming? No blood? Come on.”

  Tim looked at the sand under Terrence. Not even a speck of red to be seen. “I want to believe he’s alive. But I’m not willing to gamble my own life on it.”

  “I’ll prove it to you. Give me your rope and crossbow.”

  Tim dug through his bag, pulled out his fifty foot coil of rope, and handed the rope and crossbow over to Dave. “What are you doing?”

  “The Teleport rules state that all items in your possession go with you.” Dave tied one end of the rope to Tim’s crossbow and handed it back to him. “I’ll hold the other end of this rope. The rope is clearly in my possession. The crossbow is in yours. If the rope disappears, you know I successfully teleported. If the crossbow gets yanked out of your hand, well…”

  “Fuck that,” said Tim, untying the rope from his crossbow.

  “Where’s the flaw in my plan?” asked Dave.

  “No flaws,” said Tim. “It’s a great plan. But if you’re wrong, I’m going to need my crossbow. Give me your mace.”

  “I wish you weren’t gambling on me dying.”

  “I’m just hedging my bets.”

  “Fair enough.” Dave handed over his mace.

  Tim tied a simple knot around Dave’s mace. “Dave, are you sure you want to do this? This is usually the sort of stupid idea that you argue with Julian about.”

  “Julian usually turns out to be right. I believe him.”

  “You’re sure you’re not just still high?”

  “A little. So I’d like to get this done before I come down completely from the Gindo weed.”

  “Dave,” said Cooper.

  Dave looked up at Cooper. “Yeah.”

  “You got any coin you want to leave behind?”

  Dave looked down at Tim again. “I’ll give you fifteen minutes alone with him, and you’ll be looking for any dinosaur’s mouth to jump into.”

  “Oh sure,” said Cooper. “When Tim says it, he’s being practical. When I say it, I’m an asshole.”

  Dave inhaled and exhaled hard a few times. “Okay, I’m going to do this before I lose my nerve.” He turned around and started running toward Terrence.

  If time was a factor for Dave losing his nerve, he had plenty of it.

  “This is excruciating,” said Cooper.

  “It’s like ripping off a Band Aid with a glacier,” said Tim.

  “I feel like I should make a sandwich or something while we wait.”

  As the rope slowly uncoiled, Tim gripped the shaft of Dave’s mace tighter. He held it out in front of him horizontally, one hand on each end, careful not to touch the knot in the middle. As Dave approached the danger zone, Tim had to force himself to watch. Though doubts crept into his mind, he also forced himself not to call out for Dave to turn back.

  Just as Dave reached the end of the horse tracks, Terrence’s great head swooped down to pick him up. And just like that, Tim was stuck in a fantasy world with still one less friend.

  “Fuckin’ A!” said Cooper.

  “I know you and Dave weren’t the best of friends, but it takes a special kind of piece of shit to celebrate –”

  “Dude, the rope’s gone!”

  Tim had lost focus of the entire purpose of this exercise. He focused his teary eyes on the shaft of Dave’s mace. Cooper was right. The rope was gone, and Tim hadn’t felt so much as a tug.

  He looked up at Cooper. “It worked!”

  “Sweet! Who’s next?”

  “Rock Paper Scissors?”

  “Sure.”

  Tim and Cooper each held out a fist.

  “On three,” said Tim. “One. Two. Three.” Tim laid his hand flat, expecting Cooper to play Rock.

  Cooper was nothing if not predictable, and kept his fist balled on the final count. “Shit.”

  “See you on the other side, Coop.”

  Cooper turned toward Terrence, hiked up the back of his loincloth, and grabbed both ass cheeks.

  Tim averted his eyes. “Jesus, dude! What the hell are you doing?”

  “Holding onto my butts.”

  Cooper ran toward his possible death with all of the grace and dignity that could be expected from him, ass cheeks firmly in hands and shouting obscenities. The whole island seemed awash with serenity when Terrence scooped him up.

  Tim turned to Gilda, who was standing between the two scantily clad elves. “You coming?”

  Gilda frowned and shook her head. “I’m staying here, with Felix and Alonzo.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Gilda nodded.

  “I’m just concerned they might not be able to… you know… satisfy you.”

  Alonzo took a threatening step toward him, his tiger tongue swung forward and back. “Speak plainly, halfling!” He looked pissed.

  Shit. Where the hell is Julian’s Diplomacy when you need it? “Look, man. I’m sorry. It’s just that she’s a young woman with certain… you know… needs, which I thought that maybe you two wouldn’t be able to provide for, on account of being… you know…”

  “Are you hearing what I’m hearing, Felix?” said Alonzo.

  “His ingratitude knows no bounds.”

  “Hey!” said Tim. “I didn’t mean to –”

  “Unlace your breeches, halfling,” challenged Alonzo. “I’m keen to see what provisions you have to offer such a woman as this.”

  As all of Tim’s blood rushed to his face, he saw that Felix’s was rushing in the other direction while Gilda caressed the inside of his thigh. The dead mink was beginning to come back to life.

  “I’m sorry, Tim,” said Gilda. “I didn’t want you to have to find out like this, but you speak with no shame.”

  “Find out what?”

  “Felix and Alonzo satisfied me just fine while the rest of you were sleeping last night.”

  “Seriously?”

  Gilda nodded, her arms wrapped around Felix’s leg. Felix’s jaw hung open while the mink continued to rise.

  “At the same time?”

  Alonzo stepped back next to Gilda, who ran a hand up his leg. His tiger tongue started to inflate like a clown balloon.

  “What? Like, rotisserie style?”

  Gilda shot him a half-confused glare. “I think you should go now, Tim.”

  Tim nodded fervently. If he didn’t get out of here before that mink’s mouth was forced open, he’d have to claw his own eyes out. “Shit, this is awkward. I’m really sorry. I hope you all enjoy your lives together. Um… bye!”

  He turned and ran for Terrence like he was the last lifeboat on a sinking ship. He didn’t even see the giant maw snap him up. He just suddenly found himself floating in darkness.

  Correction. He was falling in darkness. He flailed his little arms and legs helplessly around, grasping for something to hold onto.

  “SHIIIIIIIIIIII—” he stopped falling.

  “Easy there, big guy,” said Cooper. “I’ve got –”

  Clunk.

  “Fuck!” Cooper dropped Tim onto the hard, stone floor. “What the fuck was – Oh. Dave, I found your mace.”

  “Oh, good. Thanks. I was afraid you might have left it –”

  Smash.

  Neigh.

  “Son of a...!” said Dave, from a little further away. Can you please get rid of the goddamn horse?”

  “Sorry!” said Julian. “He’s spooked. He just fell from a height.”

  “Where are we?” asked Tim. Unlike most of his friends, h
e was unable to see in the dark.

  “It looks like some kind of disused sewer reservoir,” said Dave. “If we’re back in Cardinia, that probably puts us pretty close to the site of the collapse.”

  Tim stood up, an inch of moist, old shit squishing between his toes. “That explains the smell. You know, that fucking Boswell is a real piece of work.”

  “How’s that?” asked Julian.

  “Think about it. You insult him in the slightest way, and he sends you off to some dinosaur infested island in the middle of nowhere. He sets up the exit portal to look like a giant T-rex, so you have to be near suicidal to take advantage of it. And then if you do, you get dumped into the sewer.”

  “What a fucking dick,” said Cooper.

  Tim shook some of the shit off of his sleeves. “Well the joke’s on him. The Whore’s Head Inn is in the Collapsed Sewer District. He pretty much dropped us off right at home.”

  “Yeah,” said Julian. “I’m sure learning that would give him a real sting.”

  “Let’s just get the hell out of here. I’ve got some memories I need to suppress with booze.”

  Dave’s heavy boots squished on the shit-coated brickwork. “Follow me. There’s a slightly inclining tunnel this way. Should lead to the surface.”

  Ten minutes later, Cooper punched his way through a hastily constructed wooden barricade, and the stink of the sewer gave way to the more familiar stink of urine, vomit, and booze. They were home.

  Julian released Ravenus into the grey sky, for whatever bird-related business he had to take care of.

  Unlike the sun-soaked tropical paradise they had just come from, it was dreary and drizzly in Cardinia, for which Tim was thankful. He recognized the part of the neighborhood they’d surfaced in, and knew of a good broken gutter between there and the Whore’s Head Inn where he could get a nice hobo shower.

  “I thought you were dead back there,” Cooper confided to Julian as they splashed through the puddles forming on the mostly deserted streets of the Collapsed Sewer District. “And I thought about what you said yesterday on the beach.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah,” said Cooper. “So you’re saying Ravenus doesn’t have a dick?”

  Julian sighed. “He has a cloaca.”

  “Like a vag, right?”