3d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “Ow!” said Cooper. “What the fuck, Ravenus? Julian! Call off your goddamn bird!”

  Julian clung to the rope, devastated. Ravenus, his very own familiar, had just attacked him. That cat he’d killed in the alley near the butcher shop. It must have had rabies. That was the only possible explanation. He’d be okay. If clerics in this world could bring back the dead, they could surely cure a simple case of rabies.

  “Goddammit!” said Cooper. His voice was more angry now than panicked. Dave was sobbing uncontrollably in the background.

  “You okay, Coop?” Julian called out.

  “Your stupid bird has lost his fucking mind!”

  “It’s not his fault,” said Julian. “It’s just the rabies.”

  “Rabies?” said Cooper. “What the fuck are you talk—”

  “You there!” said the boss, poking his head out of the next window past the one Julian had been peering in. His face was small but plump, sporting a well-groomed and waxed black goatee. He looked down at the ground below Julian. “That’s the fourth one! Get him!”

  Julian felt a tug on his rope. He looked down. Just as he feared the rope reached all the way to the ground, and there was now an orc climbing up it. Grotch was still away on his mission, and this one wasn’t wearing a fancy tunic, so that likely ruled out Shitnose. That only left…

  “Paulie!” Julian cried.

  The orc stopped climbing, looked at his boss, then back at Julian. “Is that supposed to be funny, elf?”

  “Um… no.”

  “Good,” said the orc. “‘Cause it wasn’t.”

  “Stop right where you are, Paulie,” said Julian. “I don’t want to have to hurt you.”

  “Ha!” said the orc, continuing to climb. “Now that was funny.”

  “Dammit, Paulie!” said Julian. He let go of the rope with one hand and pointed it down. “You’ve forced my hand. Magic Missile!” A golden beam of energy struck his pursuer in the chest.

  “Ow!” said the orc. “You’ll pay for that one, elf!” His ascent did not slow. He barely looked wounded.

  Shit. Time to Bluff.“That was just a warning, Paulie. I’ve got more powerful spells than that!”

  “Stop calling me that!” shouted the orc. Julian had apparently failed his Bluff check, as the orc continued to climb. “My name is Leo!”

  Julian also started climbing, but it was clear that Leo would reach Julian before Julian could reach the top of the building. He tried to formulate a Plan C, but his mind kept wandering back to Leo. Leo didn’t sound anything like Paulie. Leo. Leo the lion.The Lion and the Mouse. Julian had an idea.

  The rope was thick, but it was old, and individual strands of it broke easily against Julian’s incisors. It tasted like mildew and straw, but Julian gnawed it like it was made of chocolate and beef jerky.

  When the first of three interwoven cords snapped, the rhythm of the orcs climbing changed. The rope was moving more violently now, knocking Julian’s head against the wall.

  “You stop that right now, elf!” said Leo, shaking the rope.

  Julian’s jaw was getting seriously fatigued, but he could see fear in the orc’s yellow eyes. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times to stretch his jaw muscles, then went back to chewing the rope even more vigorously, ignoring the pain in his head.

  The pounding subsided as the orc went back to climbing. He was only about fifteen feet below Julian when the second cord broke. Strands of the third cord were already starting to split from the strain of Leo’s weight.

  “Stop!” said the boss, from much closer than Julian had expected. The rope lost its tension, and Julian hung still with the last cord in his mouth, ready to bite down.

  Julian looked down. Leo was ten feet below him, arms and legs spread wide as he tried to distribute his considerable weight on the decaying scaffolding.

  “There’s nowhere to run, elf,” said the boss.

  Julian looked to his left. The little gnome with the slick, black goatee was perched confidently on the scaffolding not ten feet away from where Julian dangled.

  “We don’t want to hurt you,” Julian tried to say through the rope in his mouth.

  “Well that’s where we differ,” said the gnome. “Because I very much want to hurt you.”

  Julian’s eyes moved left, then right, searching for options. He came up wanting.

  “Do you know who I am?” asked the gnome.

  Julian had a pretty good idea, but was still clinging on to the hope that he was wrong. He shook his head.

  “My name is Barlow,” said the gnome. “Do you know what my friends call me?”

  It was a longshot, but Julian took one more crack at being wrong. “Barry?” he said, his mouth full of rope.

  Barlow reached under the lapel of his jacket and pulled out a shiny steel blade. It looked like either a gnome-sized meat cleaver or a large straight razor. Neither of those possibilities was less frightening than the other.“They call me Barlow the Butcher.”

  Julian’s sense of hope had just reached a new depth when he saw a large mass of black feathers approaching from behind Barlow. After a brief, but steep incline, it reached an even newer depth when the bird landed gracefully on Barlow’s shoulder.

  The rope fell out of Julian’s mouth. “Ravenus?”

  “Over here, sir!” the familiar British voice rang out from across the street. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, sir. Is everything okay?”

  “Paulie,” snapped Barlow. “Get rid of the bird.”

  “Right away, master.”Paulie’s voice matched the raspy voice Julian had earlier heard inside.

  As precarious a situation as he was still in, Julian couldn’t help but feel some small relief that his familiar was likely neither rabid nor psychotic.

  “Oh dear!” said Ravenus, as Paulie flew over to engage him in combat.

  “Listen, Mr. um… the Butcher,” said Julian. “Let’s talk about this.”

  “Your words bore me, elf,” said Barlow. “Paulie is hungry.”

  “Bullshit,” said Julian. “He just ate a cat like twenty minutes ago.”

  “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that Paulie prefers his meat to sit out for a while.”

  “Okay, you have me there,” admitted Julian, trying to prolong the conversation while his mind raced for a Plan D. Just keep talking.“Look, I’m really sorry about all –”

  “Apologies don’t cut it in Shallow Grave,” said Barlow, getting to his feet and brandishing his weapon. “Here there are penalties for trying to move in on another man’s territory.”

  Julian narrowed his eyes. He knew what had to be done. “I wasn’t apologizing to you.”

  “Who then?”

  Julian maintained eye contact with Barlow while winding the rope securely around his wrist. “Primrose.”

  Barlow shook his head. “This may be the saddest appeal for mercy I’ve ever witnessed,” he said. “And I’ve witnessed a few.”

  “Appeal for mercy?”

  “This Primrose, is she your daughter? Your wife?Your special lady friend?You long to hold her in your arms just one last time? I get it, elf. I’ve got a special lady friend myself. In fact, I’m getting married tomorrow.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you.”

  “But Primrose is neither my daughter, my wife, nor my special lady friend.”

  “So who is she then?”

  “My Horse!”

  “Oh shit!” cried Leo as a large, brown draft horse materialized on the scaffolding behind Barlow.

  Barlow’s eyes went wide as the scaffolding shuddered, creaked, and snapped all around him.

  With a terrified whinny, Primrose crashed through the first platform. Barlow jumped at Julian, who caught him by his free hand. Julian felt the rope tug, then snap as Leo assisted the horse in tearing down the scaffolding.

  “Let go of the blade, Barlow!” said Julian. The gnome wasn’t too heavy, but both of their palms were slick with sweat, and Barlow’s
flailing threatened to pop Julian’s arm out of its socket.

  “Paulie!” cried Barlow, while failing to let go of his blade. “Help!”

  “Leave the familiars out of this,” said Julian. “The best he could hope to do is scratch and peck me until I let go, then we both die.”

  “Better the both of us than just me.”

  “I didn’t come here to kill you!”

  “What’s that term you used before?” asked Barlow. “Bull’s shit?”

  “It’s bullshit, and I’m not bullshitting you.”

  “Why should I trust you?”

  “Because if I wanted to fucking kill you, I’d just let go of your hand right now!”

  “You make a fair point, elf. Very well.” Barlow let go of his knife.

  A few seconds later, a horse screamed briefly, then fell silent.

  “Primrose!” said Julian. He hadn’t expected her to survive the fall. The layers of scaffolding must have cushioned the blow enough for her to survive… at least until she got stabbed in the back by a falling blade.“Dammit!”

  “Sorry about that,” said Barlow. “So…Now what?”

  “Good question.”

  “Julian?” Cooper called out from the window below them.

  “Cooper!” cried Julian. “What took you so long?”

  “Sorry, man. Tim only just got back and released us.”

  “This is Barlow.”

  “Uh… How’s it going?”

  “I’m going to throw him to you.”

  Barlow’s hand gripped Julian’s tighter. “You’re going to what?”

  “Don’t worry,” said Julian. “I’ve got a Dexterity bonus.” He started swinging Barlow to the right.

  “I don’t know what that means!”

  “Just let go on three.” He swung back toward the window. “One!”

  “I don’t want to let go on three!”

  Right, then left. “Two! If you don’t let go when I do, you won’t make it!”

  “Wait!” cried Barlow. “Please consider –”

  Right, then left. “Three!” Julian let go, as did Barlow.

  It wasn’t a great throw, but Cooper managed to reach out and catch him by the leg. “Gotcha, shitbag.”

  “I’ll climb up to the top and come back down the stairs,” said Julian. “Subdue Barlow, but remember we need him alive.”

  “Right,” said Cooper. The next sounds Julian heard were a punch and a thud.

  As Julian climbed the rope to the top of the building, he heard flapping wings and looked down to see a big black bird fly in through the window. Not knowing which one it was, he didn’t bother calling out.

  “Ow!” said Cooper. “Fucking hell, Ravenus! What’s wrong with you?Dave! Stop crying and come help me!”

  As Julian climbed over the unfinished wall at the top of the building, he looked down just in time to see a second bird fly in.

  “Jesus Christ!” shouted Cooper. “What the fuck is going on?This is some Alfred Hitchcock shit!”

  Julian hurried down the stairs until he reached the third floor. He sprinted down a corridor toward where all the noise was coming from, wanting to get there in time to make sure Cooper didn’t accidentally kill Ravenus.

  The scene he walked into at the end of the hall was a horrific one. Barlow lay face down, unconscious on the floor. Cooper was waving his arms around, trying to fend off two big ravens. Dave was huddled up in a corner, openly weeping. His beard was covered in liquid brown, like he’d been drinking from a chocolate fondue fountain. Tim was on the other side of the room, rolling on the floor with his hip flask and laughing his little ass off.

  And the smell. It was like onions and napalm. Julian’s stomach turned. He felt lightheaded and had to lean against the doorframe to keep himself upright.

  When he felt confident enough that he wasn’t going to throw up, he shouted over the chaos. “Ravenus!To me!”

  As soon as one of the birds disengaged, Cooper swatted the other one out of the air with his open palm.

  Paulie sailed across the room, smacked into the wall, and fell on the floor. He stood up on his wobbly bird feet. “I will defend my master to my dying breath!” From the sound of his voice, that breath might not be too far off.

  “Holy shit!” said Cooper. “A talking bird!”

  Julian shot Cooper an annoyed glare, then addressed Paulie. “Nobody has to die today. We were hired to deliver your master, alive, to a certain interested party. What his interests are and what he intends to do with your master, I know not. But I think your best chance at survival lies in cooperating with us rather than trying to fight us.”

  “Very well,” said Paulie. He sounded as though Cooper had knocked most of the fight out of him anyway. “I shall accompany my master.”

  Cooper shoved Barlow into his sack, and Paulie allowed Julian to help him snuggle in next to his master. It said something about the bond between a wizard and his familiar that Paulie raised no objection to being carried in Cooper’s sack. But in the room’s current state, the sack probably didn’t smell any worse.

  Tim stopped laughing to knock back a swig of stonepiss and wipe the tears from his eyes. “We should get moving before Shitnose wakes up.”

  “What did you do to him?” asked Julian.

  “I hid over a doorframe. When he passed underneath, I jumped down and beat him unconscious with that Silence Stone you threw at me. Then I tied him up, hid him in a closet, and…”

  “And what?”

  Tim smiled to himself. “Nothing. It’s stupid.”

  “Where’s the stone?”

  “I left it with him, so that he wouldn’t be able to make any noise when he wakes up.”

  *

  Walking out of Shallow Grave was a lot more comfortable than walking in had been. The few locals out on the streets still followed the group with their eyes, but their stares didn’t feel as hostile as before.

  Everyone seemed to breathe a little easier once they had crossed the district line. Even Dave stopped crying when he found an unattended horse trough to dunk his face into.

  Julian cradled Ravenus in his arms as they walked. “You really had me worried there for a while.You stay close by from now on, okay?”

  “As I recall, sir, it was you who abandoned me.”

  “Sorry,” said Julian. “I saw Paulie fly off, and I thought it was you.”

  Ravenus ruffled his feathers. “He doesn’t look anything like me!”

  Shit. “But it was dark, and he was far away, and he was moving so fast, and –”

  “Big, black,” said Dave. “You all kind of look the same to Julian.”

  Julian glared at Dave. “That’s not… I didn’t… You couldn’t…” He exhaled. “You’ve still got shit in your beard.”

  *

  It was pretty late when they arrived back at the Rock Bottom Pub, but judging from the noise inside, it was a lot livelier than it had been in the early afternoon.

  Tim opened the door, and what seemed like every thug, ruffian, and ne’er-do-well in Cardinia ceased their merrymaking to stare at them. You’d have to combine at least two of any randomly selected occupants to get a full set of eyes, limbs, or teeth.

  Across a long gauntlet of men, dwarves, half-orcs, and full-blooded orcs, any of whom looked like they’d slit their own grandmothers’ throats for a flagon of ale, stood the greasy-haired bartender, smiling at them with yellow teeth.He’d changed into a less-stained wife beater. Must be a special occasion.

  An orc stood next to the bartender. He hadn’t been smiling when they entered, but he grinned when he caught Julian staring at him.

  Walking across the pub floor felt like walking to the gallows. Even Cooper, who usually couldn’t recognize danger until it was actually stabbing him in the face, was moving with slow, deliberate steps.

  “Welcome back, gentlemen,” said the bartender as they stepped up to the bar. “I believe you’ve met my friend here.” He gestured to the orc standing next to him.

&n
bsp; “Have we?” asked Tim.

  “I don’t think so,” said Dave.

  Cooper merely shrugged and set his sack down on the floor.

  “Long time, no see,” said the orc.

  Julian recognized the voice at once. “Grotch!” Something was very wrong here. They’d been set up.

  “Grotch?” said Tim.

  Julian sighed. “One of your captors?”

  “Oh shit,” said Cooper. “That is embarrassing.”

  “I’m really sorry, sir,” said Dave. “It was dark, and you were moving so fast, and –”

  “Shut up, Dave,” said Julian. “We’ve got more pressing matters to attend to.” He snapped his fingers below the bar to get Dave’s attention and pointed down at Cooper’s sack.

  Dave’s eyes widened as all the pieces started falling into place. “Oh…”

  Julian smiled up nervously, facing the bartender, then Grotch, then the bartender again. “It was nice catching up, but I think it’s best we get going now.”

  “But we just got here,” said Cooper. “This little fucker is heavier than he looks.”

  “Leave him!” said Tim, who had also seemed to catch on to the gravity of their situation. “Let’s just go.”

  Julian was ready to set aside all pretenses and just bolt out of the door as fast as he could, but when he turned around, he found he was blocked at all sides. All of the pub’s patrons had congregated around them. They were fucked.

  Cooper’s sack started moving, as evidence of their felony kidnapping chose the worst possible time to wake up.

  “What’s going on?” asked Barlow. He and Pauliepoked their heads out of the sack, looking at least as scared as Julian felt. “Where am I? What is –”

  “SURPRISE!” the congregation around them shouted in unison.

  A nearby half-orc grabbed Barlow and stood him up atop the bar.Paulie perched on the bewildered gnome’s shoulder.

  “Welcome to your last night as a free man!” said the bartender.

  Barlow’s shock melted into a wide grin as he realized what was going on. He turned around.

  “Timmon, you son of a whore! Did you set this up?”

  “I set up the surprise party a few weeks ago. The kidnapping thing didn’t occur to me until these four idiots walked in here this afternoon asking if I had any quests.”