Total Control

by Pamela Britton

  “Well, that’ll change soon,” Todd said.

  “Hope so,” Benjamin said softly. His hand hung off to the side of his chair. Lex was busy licking it.

  “Did you watch the race this weekend?” Todd asked.

  Benjamin brightened again. “You won. Gonna win the championship, too.”

  “Looks like it. But I’m not done winning races just yet. Got two more to go.”

  “Think so?”

  “I do,” Todd said, explaining what they’d done to prepare. He would have spent all day talking to the child if he hadn’t noticed how exhausted Benjamin became. It descended upon him suddenly and so very obviously that Todd wasn’t surprised when the volunteer standing nearby said, “I should probably take him back.”

  “Yeah. I think so, too,” Todd said.

  “No. Wait,” Benjamin said in a surprisingly strong voice. “I don’t want to go just yet. I was just waiting—”

  “Todd!” a woman said, her cry one of surprise.

  “For Indi,” Benjamin finished with a wide smile, the child turning and looking toward the glass doors. “Now we can go. Todd, you stay here with Indi. Lex can go with me inside.”

  Todd realized they’d been set up.

  Indi must have realized it, too. She hung back, staring at him with uncertainty in her eyes. “Benjamin,” she scolded as he passed by.

  “I’ll just be inside,” the child said, shooting them both a grin.

  “You don’t have to stay,” Todd said as the hospital worker pushed Benjamin toward the exit, Lex in tow.

  “No, I—” She squared her shoulders. “I’ve actually been wanting to talk to you.”

  “Oh?”

  She nodded, swallowed. “Um, congratulations on your win.”

  “Thanks,” he said, watching as Benjamin glanced back, the smile on his face one of supreme satisfaction. It was good to see that look on his face, even if he was a devious little devil, so Todd smiled back, shook his head and started walking the concrete pathway that circled the roof.

  “Where do you race this next weekend?” Indi asked, Todd wondering if this was really what she’d wanted to talk to him about, or if she was just stalling. Stalling, judging by the tension around her mouth.

  “Actually, we’re close by. Phoenix,” he said. “Made it easy to visit Benjamin.”

  “I bet they’re keeping you busy now that you’re poised to win the championship.”

  “Busy doesn’t begin to describe it,” he said, thinking of the media requests that poured in on a daily basis—sometimes as many as ten in an hour. “But I’m lucky because the media knows what’s going on,” he said, glancing where Benjamin had sat in a pointed way.

  “The footage we shot of you in North Carolina looks good. Miracles is planning on running a spot during your last race. A thank-you and congratulations kind of thing.”

  “Indi,” he said softly. “You didn’t really want to talk to me about business, did you?”

  She stood near the edge of a flower bed, pansies in a hue of colors turning their cat-shaped faces toward the sun. “No,” she said. “I didn’t.”

  He waited. She’d pulled her hair up off her head in a sleekly styled bun. Instead of making her look like an uptight professional, it softened her face. Then again, she was so stunningly pretty, she’d look gorgeous in a Halloween mask.

  “Todd, look…” She shook her head, and Todd could tell she searched for a way to begin. “A thousand times I wanted to pick up the phone and call you. To let you know that I heard what you said in North Carolina. And that you’re right. There are things about me that you don’t know.”

  He waited, not wanting to push her but feeling his whole body tense just the same.

  “My family and I, you’re right, we’re not close.” She looked him in the eye, the green in them more pronounced. “I have a sister that I barely talk to.”

  “Why not?” he asked because he sensed there was more to the story than he’d previously surmised.

  She looked out over the top of the roof. In the distance the mountains that surrounded the Bay Area rose up around them, brown on one side of the valley, green on the other. She studied them for a moment, then said, “We’ve never been close because, well…” She swallowed. “To be honest, I’ve always been jealous.”

  He nodded, knowing that sibling rivalry often caused rifts in families. He was lucky. Not so with his family.

  “But not because she was smarter or prettier than me.” She seemed to take a deep breath, then looked him square in the eye. “I was jealous because I can’t have kids of my own.”

  The words took a second to penetrate, and even then he wasn’t certain he had heard her correctly. “What?”

  “I can’t have kids,” she said.

  “Why not?” Todd asked.

  She shrugged. “A birth defect we discovered when I was thirteen. I have an ovary, barely. But my uterus is defective. A genetic anomaly, the doctors called it. One in a million women are born with it. I’m that lucky one.”

  “Indi—” He didn’t know what to say, and yet it explained so much.

  “I didn’t think much of it when I was younger,” she said, crossing her arms in front of her. “I told myself I didn’t want kids. My sister could have all the grandchildren in the family. I focused on my broadcasting career. And then Kyle was born.”

  “Your nephew?”

  She nodded. “I fell in love with him at first sight. Became the doting aunt. Much to my sister’s surprise, I volunteered to babysit, watch Kyle during the weekends, whatever she needed. Whatever Kyle wanted, he got. Toys, clothes, whatever. Kyle brought my sister and I closer than I would have thought possible. And then he died.”

  “And it ripped your family apart.”

  “It ripped my heart out,” she said, uncrossing her arms, her expression stoic and yet marred by a sadness so deep it took Todd’s breath away. “I realized after he was gone that Kyle had become like a son. When he died, it was like losing my own kid. My sister and I drifted further apart. My job suffered. I got involved with that stupid football player.”

  “What football player?”

  “Just some linebacker who seemed to be Prince Charming, but was really a toad. It seems silly now, but at the time it really tore me up. And then I found Miracles.”

  “And that became your new child.”

  She nodded. “I suppose in a way it did. But my involvement with Miracles doesn’t change the fact that I can’t have kids.”

  She’d been afraid to tell him. He could see that now, found himself closing the distance between them before he could think better of it. “Not having kids doesn’t make you less of a woman.”

  She released a huff of disdain. “Of course it doesn’t. I know that. But it’s the reason I do what I do for a living.”

  “And that something makes you the most remarkable individual I’ve ever met,” he said, cupping her face with his hands. “It’s one of the many things that makes me step back and say ‘wow’ when I think of you.”

  He saw her face crumple, saw her inhale to stifle the tears, saw her hands clench and unclench. “I can’t give this up, Todd. I won’t.”

  “No one’s asking you to.”

  “But look what it does to us. You’re right. When kids get as sick as Benjamin, I shut down. I can’t deal with it like a normal person, and in the end, that’ll be the death of us.”

  He tipped her head up again, leaned toward her and said, “Who says?”

  “I know from experience,” she said, tears glittering on her lashes. “That night we shared on the boat. That one, magical night. It was a taste of heaven, Todd. I knew that, remarkable as it seemed, I’d found someone I could love.”

  “I know. I felt it, too.”

  “And look what happened afterward. We got in that horrible fight.”

  “It wasn’t horrible.”

  “It was bad enough.” She blinked back more tears. “I can’t deal with that kind of stress, not you and all t
he sick children who need me more.”

  His hands dropped away from her face. “So what are you saying? That you don’t want to see me again?”

  She didn’t answer.

  Todd bit back an oath of frustration. “That is what you’re saying, isn’t it?”

  “It’s the way I feel.”

  But then he looked at her—really looked at her. And what he saw nearly brought him to his knees. He saw a woman, one so devoted to the children she served that she’d give up the one thing she loved in life.

  Him.

  His breath caught. He searched her face, wondered if he imagined it. But, no. She wore her heart on her sleeve, and the look in her eyes called out to him, told him that she didn’t want to lose him. That it nearly killed her to stand in front of him and deliver her speech. That she wanted more than anything to collapse into his arms.

  And that’s exactly what she would do. Lean on him, damn it. Starting right now.

  “Come here,” he said.

  “No,” she said, her eyes imploring. “You’re not going to make this harder on me.”

  “I am going to make it hard, damn it. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, Indi, one thing you need to learn, too, it’s that life is a team effort. Some days are miserable, but that’s no reason to throw in the towel on the whole shebang. You shouldn’t, either.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  Todd swiped a hand through his hair, swung away, then turned back. “You know, for someone who devotes her life to children, you sure don’t know how to have a life of your own.”

  “I know,” she said. “But what I’m trying to tell you is that’s by choice.”

  He stared into her eyes, seeing a steely determination in them. It was the same iron will she used to get her through the tough times and Todd knew he’d have a tough time breaking through…If he’d ever be able to do so at all.

  “So this is it then? You don’t want to see me anymore?”

  He saw her eyes begin to glisten, but she held her ground. “No.”

  He shook his head, looked away, ran a hand through his hair. “This is stupid.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  “You know, in all my years of racing, there’s one thing I’ve learned. You can have the best cars, the best engines, the best sponsors in the world, but if you don’t have the will to win, it won’t make a damn of a difference.” He took a step toward her. She stiffened, but he held his ground. “You, Indi, don’t have the will to win because if you did, you wouldn’t throw this all away.”

  “Todd—”

  “Goodbye, Indi,” he said. “Tell Benj I’ll be back late tonight.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  BENJAMIN LOOKED disappointed when she entered his hospital room alone. Even Lex stood up, and Indi would swear the canine looked behind her as if expecting to see his master.

  Sorry, Lex, she thought.

  “Where’s Todd?” Benjamin asked.

  “I, ah…” Indi motioned for the dog to stay where he was. “I think he left, but he said he’d see you later tonight.”

  “But I thought the two of you…”

  Would kiss and make up. She’d known he’d think that, especially after he’d worked so hard to set this whole thing up.

  “I mean…aren’t you, you know, seeing each other again?”

  “No, Benjamin, we’re not. Todd and I are…” She searched for a word to explain what they were. “Todd and I are just friends.”

  “But…the two of you—”

  “Where’s your mom?” Indi asked, turning behind her as if she might spy her right there.

  “She’s in the library, looking some stuff up on the Internet.”

  “Well, then, I’m probably going to miss her.”

  “But—”

  Indi was glad she wouldn’t see Benjamin’s mother. The last thing she needed was Linda’s knowing eyes scanning her up and down. “Tell her I said hello. And tell Todd good luck this weekend.”

  “You tell him.”

  What had happened to that tired-looking boy she’d caught a glimpse of up on the roof? Playacting, she realized. Pretending to be exhausted so she and Todd could be alone up on the roof. Clever child.

  “I’ve got to get back to the office,” Indi said.

  “You broke up with him, didn’t you?”

  “Benjamin, I was never with him.”

  “Yes, you were. That night at camp. You stayed out with him.”

  Indi sighed, though she tried to keep it inaudible. “We were just talking.”

  Benjamin raised skeptical eyebrows, or he would have if he’d had any. That reminded her that he was sick so she should keep her visit short. “I’ll see you tomorrow, kiddo.”

  She glanced down at Lex, and what broke Indi’s heart, what made her even more sad, was that she knew it was the last time she’d see Todd’s dog.

  “Bye, Lex,” she said softly. The bulldog stayed down on his blanket but tried to crawl toward her on his belly, his droopy clown eyes bright. “Take care of Benjamin for me.”

  SHE SPENT the rest of the week trying not to think about Todd, but that was hard. Every time she dropped by the hospital she was forced to stare at constant reminders of him: the autographed team jersey Benjamin had been given. The checkered flag. A signed photo. It got so that Indi almost dreaded her visits.

  And yet perversely enough, when Sunday rolled around she found herself glued to her television set. Todd was a hot topic. The television commentators couldn’t speak highly enough of him and all that he’d done for Benjamin. Indi ended up turning the volume down so she wouldn’t have to listen.

  He won the race.

  She shouldn’t have been surprised. And she wasn’t. What surprised her was how much she wanted to pick up the phone and congratulate him.

  She went to see Benjamin the Monday after the race. Her second surprise of the week was how much better he looked. He reminded her of the Benjamin of old when she entered his hospital room. So much so that her eyes immediately went to Linda’s.

  Wow, Indi mouthed.

  He’s feeling better, Linda answered back, her smile one of the first Indi had seen in recent weeks.

  “Did you see it? Did you see it?” Benjamin cried. “Todd won another race. And he dedicated it to me. Again.” The word was almost a squeal.

  A squeal.

  Indi felt a burst of hope that was so great it made her eyes burn. “Yeah, I did watch it,” she said gently.

  “It was so great. He clinched the championship. No way anyone could beat him now. And this morning, when I talked to him, he told me I get to go to the awards ceremony next month.”

  “Really? How great.”

  “Mom said, if I keep feeling better, I can go.”

  “How are you feeling?” Indi asked.

  “Great,” Benjamin said, his face animated, the white sheet pulled up to his armpits, for once, not as pale as his face. “I can’t wait to watch the race this weekend. Todd said he’d try to fly out here this week, but that he wasn’t sure he could make it. He said he’s going to be on The Tonight Show and that the producers mentioned they might want me to go on the show with him.”

  “Wow. Neat.”

  It was the longest speech Benjamin had given in recent weeks and it made Indi’s attention dart to Linda yet again.

  “Okay, we’re all walked out,” someone said behind her. “But don’t ask me to do that again. Your dog is obviously concerned about his waistline, judging by how much jogging he did.”

  Benjamin’s dad stood in the doorway, and he held Lex’s leash.

  “Lex,” Benjamin called, distracting the dog who’d been about to make a run at Indi. “Come here, boy.”

  “Not up on the bed,” Linda cried as the dog started to run, although that was hard to do. The linoleum floor made it impossible for him to get any traction. “You know the rules. When he visits, he has to stay on his bed.”

  “Aw, Mom.”

  “That’s t
he rules,” Art said, pulling back on the leash and bringing Lex to the corner of the room. “And you know what Todd said about obeying the rules.”

  “You break them, he’s taking Lex back,” Linda reminded her son.

  “Todd loaned him Lex?” Indi asked, because she didn’t quite understand what Lex was doing here.

  “No,” Linda said, her smile turning softly whimsical. “He gave him Lex.”

  “What?”

  Art nodded after unclipping the dog’s leash and telling the dog to stay. He stood behind Linda, placing a kiss on her head before leaning forward and poking at Benjamin’s side. The child squeaked in mock fear.

  “He said it was obvious Lex loved Benjamin more than him,” Art said. “And so he gave the dog to Benj.”

  Lex didn’t love Benjamin more than Todd. She’d seen the dog with Todd. Lex loved everybody, but most especially his owner. And his owner loved the dog.

  “He’s an amazing man,” Linda said, glancing up at her husband. “If I wasn’t already married…”

  “Careful,” Art said. “I can still have him banned from this room.”

  They all smiled. Actually, Benjamin giggled and Indi, who stood there watching it all, suddenly felt like a third wheel.

  “Well, I just popped in to see how you’re doing,” she said, bending down and giving Benjamin a kiss.

  His “ewww,” made her straighten and give him a teasing smile. “Hey, these lips have kissed—” your favorite driver “—Lex,” she said, her whole face suddenly so warm she was certain Linda spotted her blush.

  “Lex is a dog,” Benjamin cried.

  “And you’re lucky to have him,” Indi said, her eyes stinging all of a sudden.

  What a nice thing for Todd to do, she thought.

  “I’ll walk you out,” Linda said.

  “No, no. That’s okay.”

  “Come on,” Linda said, using her mommies-aren’t-to-be-argued-with voice.

  But Linda didn’t say anything until they were out of the hospital, and even then it was only two words.