Was that because of his childhood? she wondered suddenly, and just as suddenly knew it was so. He had learned from an early age to rely on his own judgement, to take decisions and stick to them no matter what the consequences might be. Her heart ached at the thought because it proved how hard it would be to persuade him to change his mind about them.
‘That’s got rid of it.’ He suddenly looked up and she quickly returned her attention to where it should have remained all along—with their patient.
‘Are you going to close up now?’ she asked, steadying the patient’s head as Rafferty began replacing the section of bone he’d removed from the man’s skull.
‘Yes. The sooner everything is back in place the better, wouldn’t you say?’ He deftly stitched the membranes, muscles and skin back into place then sat back on his heels and stretched. ‘Shame they don’t make a portable operating table. Crouching down like this is extremely hard on the thigh muscles.’
‘Maybe you could come up with a suitable design,’ she suggested drolly, covering the wound with a layer of sterile gauze.
‘Then I could patent it and make my fortune?’ He shook his head. ‘Can’t see it being a big seller, can you?’
‘Not unless there are other crazy surgeons out there prepared to operate on the side of a mountain or somewhere similar. And somehow I don’t think there are that many about.’ She shot him a teasing look. ‘I rather think they broke the mould after they made you, Michael Rafferty. You’re one of a kind!’
‘I’m not sure how to take that,’ he replied, grinning at her, and her heart caught when she saw the warmth in his eyes.
‘You should take it as a compliment,’ she said softly, holding his gaze. ‘Because that’s how it was meant.’
Something crossed his face, an expression of such yearning that her breath caught. ‘Even after the way I’ve behaved in the last few days?’
‘You aren’t the only one to blame. I’ve behaved very foolishly, too.’
She bit her lip when she felt tears well into her eyes but she didn’t want to stop now that she finally had the opportunity to tell him how sorry she was for not understanding his fears sooner. ‘You kept trying to explain how you felt about my family and everything, but I wouldn’t listen, would I?’
‘I never meant to hurt you, sweetheart,’ he said gently.
‘I know that. I was just so…so set on seeing the situation from my side. I should have realised that your background was bound to have had an effect on you and that there were issues we needed to discuss.’
‘And now you understand what I was getting at?’ he said tersely, and she frowned when she heard the edge in his voice.
‘I think so.’ She paused, hoping he would say something else, but he just sat there, his face like stone as he waited for her to continue.
Natalie wet her lips, wondering why she felt so nervous all of a sudden. She just wanted to clear up this misunderstanding so they could find a way forward that wouldn’t entail them splitting up. However, her voice sounded oddly hesitant when she carried on and it was the last thing she wanted when she needed to sound full of confidence to convince him.
‘Your childhood was the antithesis of mine. Oh, I know that you’ve always skirted around the subject whenever it’s cropped up, but I can read between the lines. That’s why you’ve always been so conscious of the difference in our lifestyles, and maybe you were right to be aware of them, too.’
‘It would be foolish not to take it into account,’ he agreed, and the flatness of his voice made a shiver run through her even though she couldn’t explain why it alarmed her so much.
‘It would,’ she said quickly, wanting to get the conversation over. Once she’d explained that she understood, there wouldn’t be a problem, she reasoned. All it needed was for them to be truthful with each other and they could resolve this issue. ‘You can’t just discount my upbringing, just as I can’t discount yours. It’s part of who we are.’
‘And you are the daughter of a millionaire and I’m the product of my own efforts. Yes, I’m very aware of who we are, Natalie. Believe me.’
He stood up abruptly. ‘Anyway, enough of all that. I need to check on the copilot. Can you keep an eye on the winchman? I’m not expecting any problems but you never know in a case like this. I’ll also try to get hold of Larry again and see if there’s been any developments with that helicopter.’
‘Of course,’ Natalie murmured, somewhat stunned by the speed with which he’d brought the conversation to an end. Had he just been worried about their patients? she wondered as she watched him walk over to the copilot. Or had there been another reason why he’d not wanted to talk about his past any more?
She sighed. It was obviously the latter. He still felt deeply uncomfortable talking about his childhood and it was worrying to know that she’d not had time to reassure him that it was the person he was today she cared about. She would have felt happier if she’d managed to make that clear to him but she could tell him how she felt as soon as he came back.
She smiled as she bent and checked her patient’s pulse. Telling Rafferty that she loved him was going to be the best thing she’d done in a very long time…
‘Thanks, Larry. It’s a real weight off my mind to know that we’ll be out of here fairly soon.’
Rafferty switched off the radio. Apparently, the cloud cover had started to lift and the Medivac chopper would be with them within the hour. Once they handed over the casualties, the helicopter that had flown them there would collect them and ferry them to Comayagua Palmerola airport, where they would be able to rejoin the rest of the team. Everything had worked out surprisingly well in the end—if he discounted that conversation he’d had with Natalie just now.
His mouth compressed as he went to tell her that they would be leaving shortly. He couldn’t begin to explain how painful he’d found it to hear her admit that his background did make a difference to her. Maybe he should be glad that she’d faced up to the truth at last, but it was hard to feel anything positive in the circumstances. The woman he loved had realised that he wasn’t the man she wanted to spend her life with, and it hurt. It hurt like hell!
‘Everything all right?’
Rafferty struggled to contain his emotions when she looked round as he approached, because the last thing he wanted was to play upon her sympathies. She would be upset if she realised that he’d been hurt by her reaction and he refused to do anything that might make her reconsider her position. If he didn’t measure up to her requirements, he just had to accept that.
‘The cloud cover has started to lift so the Medivac helicopter should be here within the hour,’ he explained tersely.
Crouching down, he took a torch out of his pocket and checked the injured man’s response to light because it was easier to think about work than the fact that his heart was breaking. The man’s pupils reacted when he shone the light into them—a positive sign that the operation had been a success—so at least some good had come out of this, he thought grimly as he switched off the torch.
‘That’s a relief. I had visions of us being stuck on the side of this mountain all day!’ She smiled at him, her beautiful face alight with laughter, and the pain that was gnawing away inside him intensified until he couldn’t stand it any longer.
‘No danger of that now,’ he said coldly. It was the only way he could cope with what was happening. If he allowed his emotions to surface, he had no idea what would happen, and the thought scared him half to death. Begging her to love him the way he loved her wasn’t an option if he hoped to salvage a shred of self-respect from this whole sorry episode.
‘You’ll be back in civilisation very soon so you won’t have to put up with any more discomfort.’
Her smile faded abruptly when she heard the chill in his voice. ‘Meaning what exactly?’
‘Meaning that you really aren’t cut out for this kind of work, are you, Natalie? You’re more a glitz-and-glamour sort of woman, someone who enjoys the comforts i
n life.’
He rocked back on his heels and treated her to a condescending smile, wondering when he’d become such a good liar. These weren’t his words coming out of his mouth—not the words he wanted to say—but they were the only ones he could come up with if he was to do what was right. And severing the last ties that bound Natalie to him was the right thing to do.
‘Am I, indeed? So that’s how you see me, is it? As someone who needs the good things in life to be happy?’
Her voice held an answering chill but it didn’t disguise the pain it held as well, and Rafferty’s heart shrivelled up inside him when he realised how much he’d hurt her. He was sorely tempted to apologise at that point, only he couldn’t do that. He had to set her free so that she could get on with her life—without him dragging her down.
‘Mmm. Don’t get me wrong—you’ve always done a first-rate job whenever we’ve been away on a mission. But now I’ve had time to see how you operate in your own world and it’s really opened my eyes, I have to admit.’ He shrugged. ‘You’re far more at home in the cut and thrust of business and I was wrong to suggest that you should rethink what you’ve been doing recently. You should carry on running Palmer’s because it’s obvious that it’s what you do best.’
He spread his hands wide apart, taking in the stark landscape. ‘This isn’t the right environment for you, Natalie. Really it isn’t. So go back home to London and stop trying to do a job you really aren’t suited for.’
Natalie let herself into her house and tossed her keys onto the console table by the front door. Dropping her haversack onto the floor, she deactivated the alarm, sighing in relief when she heard the mechanical beeps that indicated the code had been accepted. The last thing she needed was half a dozen security guards hammering on the door to check if she was all right, because what would she tell them? That her heart was broken and her whole life was in a mess because the man she loved didn’t want anything more to do with her?
Tears welled into her eyes but she dashed them away. She hadn’t cried once on the journey back from Honduras and she refused to start crying now. Fortunately, the hours since they had handed over the casualties to the Medivac crew had been too hectic to think about what had happened on that mountainside. As soon as the Medivac chopper had flown away, they’d been picked up and ferried to the airport where the rest of the team had been waiting for them.
Everyone had wanted to hear what had happened so she’d given them a blow-by-blow account, hyping up the danger and the drama in a way she wouldn’t normally have done. She could tell that Rafferty had been surprised by her effusiveness but she’d ignored him, determined to keep on talking for as long as possible because it was the best way she knew to stop herself thinking about what he’d said.
How could he have claimed that she wasn’t suited to the work Worlds Together did? How could he even think that she’d be happier living a pampered life in the city? Did he really know so little about her? Obviously he must, and it hurt to know how stupid she’d been to imagine that he had ever truly loved her. If Rafferty had felt anything akin to love for her, he would have known the kind of person she was!
A sob rose to her throat but she swallowed it down as she made her way to the kitchen and plugged in the kettle. She was parched after the long flight because she’d refused the on-board refreshments, too concerned in case she’d thrown up to risk eating or drinking anything. Opening the refrigerator, she took out a carton of milk, grimacing when she unscrewed the cap and discovered that it had gone sour. She would have to drink her coffee black because she was far too tired to go to the shops and buy some more.
She spooned instant coffee into a mug and topped it up with boiling water then took it into the sitting room and sat down. The house smelt musty after being shut up for over a week, but she couldn’t summon the energy to open the windows. She drank her coffee then rested her head against the cushion and dozed for a while, but even though she was exhausted, she was too keyed up to sleep properly.
Opening her eyes, she checked her watch and realised with a pang that it was only a little after nine a.m. The thought of sitting in the house all day, brooding about what had happened, was more than she could face so she decided to go to the office. So long as she kept busy, she wouldn’t need to think about Rafferty, and if she didn’t think about him, it would get easier in time. People said that time was a great healer, so she would test out the theory. However, as she made her way upstairs to get changed, she knew in her heart that time wasn’t going to help in this instance. The more time she spent apart from Rafferty, the more she was going to miss him.
Rafferty went straight home after they landed at Heathrow and packed an overnight bag with some clean clothes. He didn’t even stop to shower or change before he left again and went out to his car. Maybe it was cowardly to run away but he didn’t know what else he could do. He needed to get out of London and away from Natalie, otherwise who knew what he might be tempted to do?
He started the engine with a throaty roar that seemed to sum up his feelings perfectly. He felt like roaring, too—roaring at fate for being so cruel as to make him fall in love with a woman whom he could never have, roaring because it wasn’t his fault that he’d been abandoned as a child, roaring for all the good things that had ever happened in his life as well as the bad, because even the good didn’t mean anything now.
What was the point of having a career he loved if Natalie wasn’t there to share the highs and the lows with him? How could he celebrate because he’d achieved his dream of making a difference to people’s lives when he couldn’t do anything about his own life?
He’d never felt as bereft or as miserable as he did right then and the thought of having to endure years of feeling like that was almost too much to bear—only what else could he do? He’d burned his bridges, sent his beloved away in the hope that she would find someone worthy of her, and he couldn’t go back on his decision. He couldn’t and wouldn’t do anything that might ruin Natalie’s life!
He drove out of London, picking up speed once he was clear of the city. He had no idea where he was going because he wasn’t going to any particular place but running away from somewhere he couldn’t bear to be. The miles rolled by in a haze of despair until at last he arrived in Cumbria where he found a guest house with a vacancy sign in its window.
Rafferty went in and paid for a room, shrugging his shoulders when the owner asked how long he intended to stay. How long did it take to mend a broken heart? he wanted to reply but didn’t, because it wasn’t the sort of question a grown man asked a stranger. He went straight up to his room and lay down on the bed, and the minute he shut his eyes he saw Natalie—beautiful, loving, adorable Natalie.
Tears welled into his eyes and for the first time since he’d been a child he cried. He had lost the one person who had ever meant anything to him and he didn’t know where he was going to go from this point on or how he was going to manage. Without Natalie in his life, he no longer knew who he really was.
‘Hello, stranger! When did you get back?’
Natalie summoned a smile when Helen greeted her at the door of the clinic. It was just gone five and she’d gone straight there from the office. She knew that she should have gone home after she’d left Palmer’s but the thought of spending the evening with only thoughts of Rafferty to keep her company had been more than she could bear. If she needed to fill every waking moment to get through this, that was what she would do. She wasn’t a quitter—no matter what Rafferty thought about her.
The thought was too painful so she blanked it out of her mind as she followed Helen into the office. ‘I got back this morning.’
‘And you’re going to work tonight?’ Helen looked concerned as she sat down behind the desk. ‘Are you sure you’re up to it, Natalie? Don’t get me wrong, we’d be really glad of the help because Annie is off sick at the moment, but it seems a bit much to expect you to work when you’ve only just got back.’
‘I’m fine,’ she insist
ed, slipping off her suit jacket. She hung it on the peg behind the door then took a plastic apron off the shelf and put it on over her silk blouse. ‘I’m probably a bit jet-lagged after the flight so there’s no point sitting at home when I won’t be able to settle. My body still thinks it’s on Honduras time.’
‘Well, if you’re sure you’re OK?’ Helen still sounded concerned.
Natalie smiled at her, forcing herself to appear upbeat so that her friend wouldn’t suspect how dreadful she really felt. ‘I feel fine. I’m raring to go, in fact.’
‘In that case, thank heavens you’re here.’ Helen heaved a sigh as she sank back in the chair. ‘It’s been an absolute nightmare this past week, I can tell you.’
‘Why? What’s been happening?’ Natalie asked in surprise, It wasn’t like Helen to complain.
‘We’ve had problems with a gang of youths who’ve been hanging around outside. They’ve been waylaying the kids and taking their prescriptions off them. It got so bad that in the end we had to call in the police, so that shows you how desperate we were.’
‘Sounds really awful,’ Natalie exclaimed in dismay. ‘Did the police manage to sort things out?’
‘Not really. Oh, the gang ran off when the police arrived but so did most of our kids as well. It took a couple of days before they started to come back to us so we’re very wary about involving the police again. At the moment we’re trying to monitor the situation by keeping an eye on what’s going on outside the building.’
‘I’m glad you warned me. I’ll make sure there’s nobody hanging around whenever I see someone out.’
‘It’s the only thing we can do, I’m afraid. It’s a real catch-22 situation. If we involve the police, the kids who need our help stay away, and if we don’t involve them they end up getting mugged for their prescriptions.’ Helen shrugged. ‘I don’t know what the answer is, do you?’
‘Maybe we could hire our own security guards,’ she suggested, recalling what Rafferty had recommended when they’d had trouble once before with drunks. Her heart ached as the memory of that night came rushing back and she hurried on before the pain became too bad to bear. ‘They wouldn’t need to wear a uniform or anything official like that—just make their presence felt. That should be enough to deter the gang, I imagine.’
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