Confessions

by Collins, Janice

  Aria shook her head, “Let’s just forget about this.”

  She didn’t see Billy again until Wednesday night when he walked through her door with sandwiches from their favorite sub shop. He set them down on the coffee table on his way to the kitchen where she was standing pouring two glasses of water. He came up behind her, put a hand on her waist, and leaned in to give her a swift peck on the cheek.

  “Hey,” he said softly into her ear. She hummed a hello before turning to give him his glass of water. “I already picked out a movie,” she told him.

  “Great,” he said as he turned and walked back out into the living room. They ate in silence and watched. Like always, it was comfortable. Unlike always, Aria was all too aware of it and it made her feel weary. For a brief second she cursed out Kay in her mind, blaming her for the way she felt now. But she soon stopped because she knew that was wrong. It was not as if her best friend had just sat next to her and planted ideas in her mind. Aria sighed a bit too loud as she leaned back against the couch and buried her face in her hands.

  “What’s up?” Billy sat back and turned to look at her with concern in his eyes. He was a good guy and they were happy for sure, she was just worried they were heading down a bad path. She didn’t want to experience the heartbreak of such a wonderful relationship ending up in a bad place.

  Instead of telling him what she was thinking about, she simply rolled to her side and curled into him. He didn’t push the issue any further. He only wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in closer to him. She let out a heavy breath before looking up at him. She leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

  “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’m really okay.” He looked down at her to make sure she wasn’t lying as if he could tell just by looking into her eyes. But she supposed that he really felt he could, at least on some level, because he smiled softly and brushed the hair out of her face before saying, “That’s good to know.” Then he tilted his head down to give her a lingering kiss on the lips. She hummed in a sweet relief when he did.

  “I have to go,” he told her almost sadly, “I just really wanted to see you.”

  She nodded. Pulling away from him, she stood up from the couch and walked over to the door to say goodbye. She stretched out her neck and gave him a slow, long kiss goodbye. He looked into her eyes as if asking if she really was okay and she gave a nod with her eyes closed. But before he was out of reach, she grabbed onto his wrist and pulled him back. He looked alarmed. She rubbed his wrist gently before looking at him apologetically for either hurting him or worrying him, she wasn’t quite sure.

  “How do you feel about going up to the lake this weekend?”

  He raised an eyebrow, looking both surprised and intrigued. “Kay said a small group is heading up there and asked if we wanted to join,” she leaned in and added, “We would have our own room.”

  He chuckled and placed a hand on her shoulder. He looked at her with an odd expression, one she couldn’t determine the meaning of. She gathered it wasn’t bad because it didn’t leave her feeling unsettled. He nodded yes.

  She beamed and said, “We are leaving Friday night.”

  The left Friday night, meeting up with the whole group over at Kay’s house to carpool. Though it had been decided Aria and Billy would have their own car, everyone wanted to leave from the same place at the same time. They all decided on just having a snack now and eating a late dinner together once they arrived at the cabin so everyone brought over some food.

  Nobody would have the energy to cook once they arrived. It was nearly a three-hour drive and the group took off at 6pm. Aria had made a playlist on the drive, which she started to play as soon as Billy and her were on the road. At first neither of them talked. Aria just leaned back against the headrest and looked out the window at the lights of the city glimmering against the backdrop of a setting sun. She enjoyed the music playing from the speakers and thought it perfectly suited the scenery.

  After a while she turned to look at Billy and ran her hand gently up and down his forearm.

  “I thought you were sleeping,” he told her just loud enough so she could hear him over the music. “I wasn’t,” she told him, eyes going back to look out over the road. They talked about their day at work and then about their week at large. It was all very simple and quite routine. This didn’t bother Aria, but ever since her conversation with Kay she couldn’t help but wonder if this was the kind of thing that would end up ruining her relationship.

  “You’re going to drive yourself crazy,” Kay told her in a nearly exasperated tone over the phone just the night before after Aria had confided in her. She knew her friend was right. She was going to end up driving herself crazy and there was absolutely no point in doing that. If anything, she should focus that energy on trying to address the problems in the relationship. Instead, she kept all her thoughts and feelings to herself. Now was the first time she openly admitted anything, the first time she said it out loud. While it was important to have someone to confide in and talk about this, she knew it was not ideal that her boyfriend had absolutely no idea what was going on. She reconciled this by thinking there was no point in bringing it up now just to worry him if she wasn’t even sure how she really felt. Maybe she was just being extra paranoid. She needed to sort out her feelings before she took any action.

  As she looked back over at Billy, she realized she had a small hope that the trip would help her sort out her feelings about the matter. Maybe then she could finally decide on what to do. It wasn’t as if her relationship were in any real danger, at least this was what she reasoned every time bad thoughts or feeling surfaced. It was more like taking preventative measures and making an already good relationship even better. That was all it really was. And, on some level, she truly believed it.

  By the time the group arrived at the cabin they were all too tired to go along with the original plan. So they placed the food in the refrigerator, bid each other good night, and went off to their respective rooms. Something about sitting in a car for hours really wiped people out especially if they had just wrapped up a workweek.

  Aria slipped under the blankets and nudged her head into just the right spot on the pillow before closing her eyes. She only opened them when she felt Billy’s breath on her mouth and heard him say, “Not even saying good night.”

  She giggled very quietly. “I was just waiting for you to get into bed.” She opened her eyes and smiled at him until he leaned in and gave her a kiss on the lips. He got into a comfortable position and the two fell asleep almost immediately.

  There was a time in their relationship the night would have gone very differently. There was once a time they would never be too tired to deepen the goodnight kiss and let their hands wander over every inch of the other’s body. Their heavy breaths would mingle in the air as their bodies pressed and rubbed against each other. Even if they were tired, they would find the energy for that.

  They would always have the time and energy to touch each other in such a way that the room would fill with sounds of moaning and cause their skin to be covered in a light sheen of sweat. They would never be too worn out to graze fingers over bare skin, kiss every crevice of the other’s entire body, lick and suck the other’s most sensitive areas.

  No, before they would have been all over each other the moment that door shut and there was something separating them from the rest of the group. But now they had fallen into a more comfortable and routine life that didn’t require it.

  But that did not mean Aria didn’t miss it.

  Chapter 3

  The following morning, the Aria and Billy showered together. It had been a long time since they did. Their room had a private bath and it was something they were relieved to discover the night before. Aria slipped out of her pajamas and into the shower, enjoying the way the warm water felt as it cascaded over her skin. Billy stepped in after her, reaching up to grab the body wash. She leaned into his touch when she felt him place his hands on her back, soaped up, an
d begin to gently scrub her clean.

  He continued moving across her skin slowly, running his hands over her entire body to spread the soap as the pads of his fingers gave her little massages. He turned her around to face him and gave her a long kiss, his soapy hands slipping along the sides of her body. The soap washed off her skin as they kissed under the water, unaware of the time passing.

  I never needed to worry, she thought as he pulled her in close just before breaking the kiss. He went on to lather himself as she shampooed her hair. They finally finished up and stepped out to towel themselves off when they head the commotion outside their bedroom. They turned to look at each other and laugh. Their friends were all awake now and had been for who knows how long while they took their time in the shower. They dressed quickly and stepped out to join them only to be greeted by hoots and suggestive glances.

  Aria simply laughed it off as she went into the kitchen to have some coffee. Kay was in there serving herself a mug of hot coffee as well.

  She leaned over to Aria and whispered, “Guess you’re not falling into a slump after all.”

  Aria rolled her eyes and playfully shoved her, careful not to push too hard so she wouldn’t spill the coffee.

  “It really wasn’t like that,” she clarified. “It was nice but not like that.”

  “Oh,” was all Kay said before she walked out of the kitchen.

  Aria looked after her and felt the weight of her worries coming down again. Even though they had shared some sweet and affectionate moments, in particular Billy surprising her by soaping her up, it had just been a shower after all. She couldn’t help but think of the times they wouldn’t be able to resist touching and teasing and eventually having sex when in the shower together.

  That was a different time, she reminded herself. Things were not always going to stay the same. It was in the nature of relationships to evolve. The problem was she was slowly starting to accept she did feel like there was a small component missing. Now it was just about figuring out what that was and fixing it. It didn’t have to ruin the whole relationship.

  It will only ruin the relationship of I keep trying to ignore it and continued keeping Billy in the dark, she reasoned.

  “You’ve been in here a while,” she heard Billy’s voice come up behind her. He leaned into her back as he reached up to pull a mug out of the cabinet. These were the small moments of unnecessary but desired physical contact she loved the most. In her mind, this was not keeping their hands off each other. It was charged with affection and done completely out of will and want. It was not restricted to intense passion and living in the heat of the moment. That still didn’t mean she should ignore whatever she felt. He poured himself some coffee and walked back out to join the others. She followed suit.

  After breakfast the entire group went down to the lake to play in the water. Someone had even brought a net for beach volleyball and Kay had taken it upon herself to surprise everyone with a picnic. It was a fun and active day, meaning by the time they got back to the cabin for dinner, everyone was in a great mood but quite tired.

  “We’re too old for this,” one of their friends said jokingly, “I swear even my bones are aching to their core.” He slumped down on the floor beside the couch and made a noise like an old man. Everyone laughed but felt somewhat similarly.

  “I’m skipping out on dinner,” Aria announced. She was not hungry and even if she were, her desire to crawl into the bed was greater than her desire to eat.

  “Me too,” Billy chimed in as he followed her to the bedroom. She could tell her friends were exhausted by the fact they didn’t hoot or cheer or make any lewd jokes about them skipping dinner together and heading straight to the bedroom. When Billy shut the door and locked it, Aria took off her shirt and pants. She threw them onto the armchair in the room and dropped with her entire weight onto the bed. She could feel him looking at her so she turned her head to meet his gaze.

  “What’s up?” He smiled and shook his head.

  “Nothing,” he replied as he pulled off his own shirt and unzipped his pants before kicking them off. He was just about to climb into bed when he grimaced and walked over to fold the clothes he had just taken off. He set them down neatly on the armchair and proceeded to fold Aria’s clothes as well. She just laughed and closed her eyes, feeling the plush pillow under her head make her feel like she might be floating on the world’s most comfortable cloud.

  It wasn’t until she felt the bed sink with the weight of a body and felt skin against her own skin that her eyes shot open only to see Billy over top of her. He was looking straight into her eyes with a look she hadn’t seen in a while. It was almost as if he had been reading her thoughts.

  He leaned in and gave her a long, slow kiss before pulling back and smiling at her. It was such a warm smile full of adoration and she never saw it on his face unless it was directed at her. She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair just once before running her index finger down the side of his face until she held his chin and pulled him in for a second kiss. This one had a bit more passion to it but was still slow and steady. They desired more but their bodies simply weren’t giving in.

  He ran his hand gradually and smoothly up her side, his thumb grazing over her stomach, until he reached under her back and lifted her up closer to him. She felt him unhook her bra before letting her lie back down flat on the bed. He dipped his head into her neck and kissed her while he swiped her bra off her and carelessly let it fall to the ground beside the bed. He continued kissing down until she let out a sharp moan when she felt his warm mouth close around her peaked erect nipple.

  He flicked it with his tongue as she covered her mouth to stifle her whimpering. His other hand reached up to pinch her other nipple. This felt amazing. That’s when she realized how long it had been since she felt it. She felt something like horror followed by a sense of urgency well up inside her.

  She pushed against his shoulders so he would move to his back, allowing her to climb on top of him. She rubbed down on him earning a moan from both at the friction even through the fabric of their underwear. As she leaned down to kiss him, she felt the exhaustion take over her completely. From the very slow movement of his lips she had the idea the same had happened to him.

  She pulled back to look into his red and tired eyes. She gave an apologetic look and he responded by giving her a tap on her butt and gently pushing on her hip so she would lie down next to him.

  “I really want to,” he said in a heavy voice, “But as soon as my back hit the bed I couldn’t fight the exhaustion.” She let out a breath and draped her arm across his torso.

  “As soon as I moved I felt it go through me to my very bones,” she admitted. They kissed goodnight. Soon she heard him snoring, though not very loud. Tired as she was she couldn’t easily fall asleep, now feeling worse than ever because of what had just happened.

  Chapter 4

  “It’s perfectly understandable,” Kay attempted to comfort Aria Monday night. Aria had asked her over for dinner to talk about the events of Saturday night and everything she felt about it.

  “It was a long day,” Aria reasoned. Kay looked sympathetically into her eyes. Aria averted her gaze almost instantly. She didn’t want to feel pitied or whatever it was that was going on. She knew Kay didn’t mean it like that, but she just felt awful about the situation. She had barely even spoken to Billy because she continued to shorten their conversations. She needed time to calm down and think.

  “We haven’t had sex in a while,” Aria admitted. Her statement was met with complete silence. “I think there’s something missing there and I don’t know why.”

  Kay leaned in closer and made comforting circles on her upper back. She didn’t say anything. After all, there was not really much to say. This was something Aria needed to figure out and navigate on her own.

  Billy dropped a bomb on her the next day as she stumbled through memories and feelings trying to weight everything out logically.

  “Ar
ia,” he said quietly as soon as she walked into his apartment. She didn’t want to come over for fear of feeling disappointed and lashing out on him unfairly, but she could hear the desperation in his voice. He didn’t beg, but the tone of his voice did. He pulled her in to a tight hug and kissed her neck softly in his usual affectionate way.

  When he pulled back he took her by the hand and led her into the kitchen where he had laid out her favorite meal, cooked by him. Deep red candles sat on the table. It wasn’t over the top. It was different from the usual and showed enough thought, just the right amount. She had no idea what was going on or what the occasion was. She took a seat as he sat across from her looking at her in a way she couldn’t quite place. If she wasn’t mistaken there seemed to be a trace amount of nervousness in his eyes.