But the knocking went on. Then a voice shouted through the letterbox. ‘It’s only me, Jodie,’ she said. ‘Answer the door, you two. I know you’re in there.’
Zoe sighed and hauled herself up, while I made a grab for the skull and the bowl of earth and shoved them behind a cushion. And when Zoe opened the door, Jodie was there. With Kerry. They walked in without being asked.
‘Kerry didn’t know you used this place,’ Jodie said. ‘And then she was too shy to come up and see you on her own, I don’t know why. I said you wouldn’t mind.’
I tried to smile at Kerry, who stared around the room, taking in the posters on the walls, Zoe’s drawings, the mugs we’d left lying around.
Jodie laughed. ‘They’ve made themselves quite at home, haven’t they?’
Kerry said, ‘Yes,’ in a quiet sort of a voice.
‘You know,’ Jodie went on, ‘I don’t mind you being here. Better than the place being empty, I think. But I should warn you – someone came around to read the meters the other day. They were knocking at all the doors. It’s only a matter of time before someone switches your power off again. And your water. So don’t get too comfortable, you lot.’
She went to get ready for a night out. And we were left with Kerry. Zoe hadn’t said a word since she’d arrived.
‘Kerry,’ I said, jumping up, ‘Want a drink?’
‘What kind of a drink?’ Kerry looked around, as if she expected someone or something to jump out at her.
‘Absinthe,’ said Zoe, folding her arms and glaring at Kerry. ‘Mixed with puppy’s blood.’
I tried to laugh. ‘Take no notice,’ I said. ‘Hot chocolate, as usual. Or mint tea.’ I hurried into the little kitchen then popped my head back round the doorway. ‘Biscuit?’
Kerry followed me. ‘How long have you been coming here?’
‘Oh,’ I said, busying myself with the shiny kettle and keeping my face turned away from Kerry, because I always think people can tell when I’m fibbing. ‘Not long. Week or two, or something like that.’
Kerry’s expression was sulky. ‘Jodie says you’ve been coming here since the summer.’
I took a breath. ‘I don’t think it’s that long,’ I said, as vaguely as possible. I could sense Zoe’s fury, as if it was rolling at me in waves.
‘But you never said.’ Kerry looked down her nose at the mug I’d just slid along the kitchen bench. ‘You never asked me to come along.’ She paused for a minute as if she was daring herself to ask. ‘Why not?’
‘We –’ I tried waving a packet of chocolate biscuits at Kerry, but she shook her head. ‘We thought we’d get it all nice first.’
I heard Zoe make a small, explosive, spluttering sound.
Kerry looked watery-eyed. ‘It feels like you were just keeping me out of things,’ she said. ‘Again.’
‘Yes, well,’ Zoe started, but I interrupted. ‘No, it’s just you were away at the end of the summer, weren’t you? And then we thought, let’s get it looking really good and give you a bit of a surprise.’
Kerry looked as if she wanted to believe me, but Zoe ruined it by shaking her head.
‘Does Luke know about this place?’ Kerry asked.
I swallowed. ‘No.’
‘Why not?’
I couldn’t find a reply. The real answer was: because he would have told you. And we didn’t want you to know.
‘I wanted it kept a secret,’ Zoe said, suddenly. ‘We’re not really supposed to be here, right? I said that the fewer people know, the better.’
‘Oh.’ Kerry nodded. She flicked on the light switch in the main room, and looked around it. In the full glare of the bare electric lightbulb, you could see where Zoe’s paint had smeared a little across the floor and the dusty skirting boards. You could see where a damp patch had made its way back through the fresh paint, in a dark grey bloom. You could see how sad the place really was. Kerry was silent for a few beats. Then she said: ‘I like your drawings, Zoe.’
Zoe nodded. But she looked like she wanted to strangle Kerry. I knew that now, our special place wouldn’t be the same.
19
Caught
The day before my birthday Dad said he would take me into town and buy me something, if I could decide what it was I wanted. But I couldn’t – all I really wanted was some cash so that we could get more stuff for the flat and so Zoe would stop walking out of shops with things she hadn’t paid for. And also, so that we could get some clothes from Dead Bouquet. I could hardly tell Dad about the flat and he wasn’t keen on buying me anything to wear. He steered me towards the computer shop and started talking me through the specs on all the shiny laptops. He even stroked one of them. ‘Buy yourself one,’ I suggested, after he’d droned on with some nerdy sales guy for about twenty minutes.
But in the end, to shut him up, I chose some sleek black thing and it all got boxed up with a load of extra bits and pieces that I didn’t understand or care about. Dad locked it into the boot of his car and took me out for lunch.
We talked for a bit about school and exams and all that stuff that parents find so endlessly fascinating. And then he said: ‘Look. We’re still a bit worried about you, Anna. You’re never in the house these days. We don’t know anything about this new friend of yours, this Emma. And your sleeping problem’s not getting any better. You look so pale and tired. Your mum says every time she mentions it, you change the subject.’
‘Cold weather today, isn’t it,’ I said and gave a little giggle. Dad didn’t laugh with me.
‘Why are you so determined not to go to the doctors?’
I shifted in my chair. ‘Because it’s just – it’s just exams and stuff. It’ll get better when they’re all done.’
‘You would tell us – me or your mum – if there was something else? You know we only want to help?’
I sighed hard. ‘Yeah, yeah, I would. It’s nothing. And anyway, all a doctor would do is bang on about teenage hormones and periods and stuff.’
That worked. Dad’s gaze shifted sideways and I could see him grasping around in his head for something else to talk about.
I helped him out. ‘Anyway, what about you?’
‘Me? What about me?’
I topped up the fizzy water in my glass. ‘Are you going to get back together with Mum?’
Dad looked as if I’d thrown my water at him. ‘Whatever made you – Is that what you thought was happening?’
I stared back at him. ‘Well, you’ve been living with us for weeks now. I thought, maybe –’ Suddenly I was wishing I hadn’t asked.
Dad rubbed his eyes. He looked really worn out. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have moved in with you and your mum at all. I should’ve just found my own place. I’ve given you completely the wrong idea.’
‘You have?’
‘Anna, sweetheart. I know you don’t like me talking about Ellie, but – fact is – I loved her. I still do. And I miss her. I haven’t found my own place because I keep hoping she’ll have me back.’
I swallowed. ‘Right.’ My eyes started to sting a little and I screwed them up. ‘So you just used Mum. All you wanted was somewhere to kip.’
I might’ve raised my voice, because Dad glanced around to see if anyone was looking at us. ‘It wasn’t like that at all, and your mum knows it, even if you didn’t. When we split up, we both agreed it was the best thing. Your mum wouldn’t want me back, even if I asked her.’
‘That’s not true.’ I had to wipe my eyes and I inspected my fingers for smears of mascara. ‘Mum was heartbroken about the divorce. She was in bits, for ages.’
Dad nodded. ‘We were both in bits. For ages. But that didn’t make it the wrong thing to do.’
A waitress put plates down in front of us. We both stared at them for a few minutes. Neither of us started to eat.
‘The other thing is, Anna – I’m sorr
y – but Barney’s going to have to go back home.’
‘No!’ My shoulders slumped. ‘But he’s so happy with us. I love him. Can’t you ask your friend if he’d let us keep him?’
‘I can’t, no.’ Dad looked down at the table. ‘She’s back from her holiday and I was always only looking after him while she was away.’
‘She?’ It suddenly hit me. ‘That’s Ellie’s dog, isn’t it?’
Dad nodded. ‘I’m sorry. I only ever meant him to cheer you up, to keep you company at nights. But he has to go back now. Ellie’s missed him too.’
‘Like I care what that spoiled princess thinks,’ I muttered. My insides felt heavy. It wasn’t fair: I loved Barney. He loved me. Ellie seemed to get everything she wanted. Everything I wanted.
Back at home, Mum asked how the shopping trip had gone. I told her I’d got a new laptop.
‘Aren’t you lucky?’ she said, but her smile looked a bit frosty and she gave Dad a sharp look. Dad set it all up for me and later, as I sat tapping at the keyboard and listening to music, I could hear them shouting at each other in the kitchen. How had I ever thought they were getting it together again? I felt like a stupid kid, one who’d told myself a great big fairytale.
Dad wasn’t around the next morning when I came downstairs. Mum was there, cooking bacon and eggy bread. In fact, the smell woke me up, though I wasn’t hungry. ‘Special breakfast,’ she said, over-brightly. She gave me a hard hug. ‘Happy birthday, love.’
There were cards – one from Mum and a separate one from Dad. They used to sign the same one. And a card from my gran with a £20 note in it. Mum had got me a few books and a voucher to download some music. There were strawberry-scented soaps and some shower gel in a box and a pair of silver earrings. ‘I love them,’ I told Mum. ‘Thanks.’
‘Not as good as a laptop,’ she said, laughing, but with a little edge in her voice.
‘That was for Dad, not me. You know what he’s like,’ I said. Mum laughed again, properly this time. Later, over coffee, I got up the nerve to ask Mum if she wanted to get back together with Dad. If she said the same as Dad did yesterday, then I’d have to rethink.
‘That’s hardly likely, Anna,’ she said.
‘No, I know. But – if it was?’
Mum shook her head. ‘You know, we weren’t happy together. Not for a long time. Getting divorced is so awful that, when it first happened, I thought I’d never get through it. But it was only when he came back the other week that I remembered something. When he moved out to be with Ellie, I was hurt, yes. But more than anything else, I was relieved.’
‘Relieved?’
Mum gave a little sigh. ‘No more rows. No more having to walk out of the room to stop myself screaming at him.’ There was a trace of a smile on her lips. ‘Being my own boss, if you like.’
‘Oh.’ I’d misread things. Massively. I felt so dumb. ‘So even if… so you don’t want…’
Mum reached across the table and squeezed my hand. ‘I’m sorry. That’s not what you wanted to hear, is it? But I’ve moved on. Just like your dad. We’re OK with what’s happened. We just need you to be fine with it too.’
I bit my lip.
Zoe came with a card she’d made herself and a moonstone ring from Dead Bouquet, one I’d tried on a couple of weeks ago. I wore it as we sat at the kitchen table and Zoe painted my nails a midnight blue.
‘I was thinking,’ she murmured, making sure Mum wasn’t in earshot, ‘We could have a Halloween party at the flat. Wouldn’t that be amazing? It could be a late birthday party for you too.’
I nodded. ‘Who would we ask?’
‘Some people from the shop and maybe Jodie too. She asked us to her party. She could bring a few mates too. There’d be a good crowd.’ She paused. ‘You could ask Luke if you want.’
I smiled at her. I knew she wasn’t mad on Luke and she’d been moody yesterday when I’d told her he was taking me out tonight. Plus, asking Luke would mean asking Kerry. We couldn’t really get out of that, I knew.
‘Might not be his sort of thing. I’ll think about it.’
Zoe started to paint tiny silver stars on my nails. ‘I’ll get loads of stuff for decorations,’ she said. ‘Or I could paint stuff on the walls. That’d be good.’
‘Don’t spend lots of money,’ I said. What I meant was, don’t go pinching stuff just for this.
Luke was kind of quiet when I went to meet him. It’s the sort of thing I pick up straight away – someone else’s mood. Only no one is ever honest about it, or at least not at first. They will keep saying everything is fine and no, nothing’s wrong, until you’re driven mad with the thing you know they’re not saying. And after a hundred asks, they might eventually tell you what’s the matter.
Luke was just the same. He had a cloud around him. I wondered if he was fed up because Zoe kept texting me, though I hadn’t replied. I didn’t even read the messages. Eventually, I even put my phone off and that still didn’t lift the atmosphere. I started thinking that secretly he wanted to break up with me, but just wasn’t saying so because it was my birthday. In the end, I asked him outright if that was what it was.
His mouth opened for a moment before he replied. ‘No, it’s not that, Anna, I – I think about you all the time. I’d hate it if we split up.’
‘You have to tell me what’s wrong then,’ I said.
Luke snapped a bread stick into three parts and curled the paper up into a tight spiral shape. ‘Kerry’s been telling me about this empty flat.’
‘Oh,’ I said. Not telling Luke about it suddenly seemed really sneaky.
‘Is Zoe actually living there?’ Luke asked.
‘No, ’course not, don’t be daft.’ I hesitated. ‘She’s spent a couple of nights there, though.’
Luke raised his eyebrows.
‘I haven’t,’ I added, quickly.
‘Kerry thinks there is all sorts of stuff in there – new things – and that Zoe’s more or less moved in.’
I shook my head. ‘That’s not true.’
Luke played around with the rolled-up paper for another minute or two. ‘Anna. I need to know. Why are you so mad on that Zoe? I don’t get it.’
I hadn’t expected this. ‘She’s my best friend. You know that. I really like her.’
‘But why? I could understand it when you first moved to the school and you got stuck with her. But now you know how mean she is to my sister, most of the time. And she’s so – well. Everyone thinks she’s a loony-tune.’
I pouted. ‘I don’t.’
‘She does crazy stuff,’ Luke said. ‘Kerry says she steals. I’m worried she’s going to drag you into it too.’
‘Well, that’s not going to happen.’ I pushed my plate away. How come every time someone treated me these days, I ended up having some sort of a row and getting put off my food? ‘But don’t expect me to abandon Zoe. I know she and Kerry don’t get on. Don’t ask me to take sides.’
‘I’m not.’ Luke pushed his plate away too. ‘OK, maybe I am. Zoe isn’t a very nice person. You are. And it’s not like Kerry and Zoe are as bad as each other. Kerry can’t stand up to someone like her.’
I shrugged. ‘I like Zoe. I – I love Zoe. I won’t drop her. It’s up to Kerry if she wants to hang around me. But Zoe will always be there.’
Luke made a defeated sort of a face.
But the next day, when I tried to call Zoe, she wasn’t answering. Maybe, I thought, she was angry because I’d ignored a string of messages from her last night, asking me to call when I was out with Luke. It wasn’t till early evening when she finally texted back. At flat. Cm round asap pls x.
When she opened the door, she looked even paler than usual. She didn’t speak, just held the door open and followed me back inside. Already, the place was covered in fake cobwebs and she’d painted a mural like a cemetery on the walls of the narrow
entrance hall. I told her I thought it was brilliant. I had to say that, though if I was being honest, the place had started to give me the creeps, even without all the decorations. I tried to convince myself I was imagining things – after all, if I still had some kind of spirits in my bedroom, then why would they be here too? Or maybe they didn’t exist at all, as I told myself every morning, without much effect.
Zoe flopped onto the cushions on the floor. ‘Anna, something happened yesterday.’
She looked like someone had pricked her with a pin and let all her life out. ‘What’s up?’
Zoe started plaiting the ends of her long hair. ‘I got caught trying to nick something.’
My insides felt suddenly curdled. ‘Oh, god. You didn’t. Where? What happened?’
‘It was in the mall. It was just some stupid make-up. I didn’t even really need it. I thought I’d got away with it, because I’d walked quite a way from the shop and suddenly this horrible woman in a uniform got hold of my arm. They made me tip out my bag and pockets, in front of all these people who just stopped and watched. It was awful.’
I shuffled over to her and put my arms around her. ‘Poor you. Then what happened?’
‘They made me tell them where I lived and then they took me home. In a police car.’
I swore, in a whisper.
‘They told my mother what I’d done. That was awful. And then they gave me a caution because they said it was my first offence. But I’m banned from the shop.’
I gave her a hard hug. ‘I’m sorry. What did your mum say?’
Zoe leaned her head on my shoulder. ‘What do you think? She was furious, of course. She went up like a rocket as soon as the police had gone.’ Zoe almost never cried. But I could see her eyes were shining and wet and she blinked hard and sniffed.
I didn’t know what to say to make her feel better. We sat in silence for a while. It was dark outside and there were only her candles for light. Shadows loomed around Zoe like black, ragged birds. ‘I’m staying here tonight,’ Zoe said. ‘Any chance you could stay too?’
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