The Christmas Dare

by Lori Wilde

  “Pathology?” Kelsey stared in her father’s eyes, saw sadness and compassion in equal measures.

  “I’m going to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago. I didn’t tell you before because you were the one person who seemed to have a good relationship with her and I didn’t want to spoil that for either of you.”

  A chill went up Kelsey’s spine. In her heart, she’d always known something was wrong with her mother. As a child, even before Chelsea died, she’d look at her mother at times and feel such bone-deep loneliness and despair without knowing why. The feelings had only worsened after Chelsea’s death. She’d buried her feelings in work, but now those feelings were roaring back to life.

  “Once you know the truth, it changes everything, and I wasn’t sure you were ready for that shift. But I can see you’re ready to hear it now,” Theo went on.

  “Tell me,” Kelsey whispered. “What is wrong with her?”

  “Your mother most likely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” Theo said.

  “Well of course she has a big ego,” Kelsey said. “She has to have a big ego to believe she can make a difference in the world.”

  “That’s a common misconception about NPD. While all people with NPD have big egos, not everyone with a big ego has NPD.”

  “What’s the difference?”

  “It’s healthy to believe in yourself and have high self-esteem. There’s nothing wrong with that. But narcissism is on a spectrum. Most narcissistic people are just a little selfish and when you point out how they are hurting other people, they can change their ways.”

  “Hmm.” She let his words sink in.

  “But people suffering from full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder are incapable of understanding that other people having feelings of their own. People with NPD have an exaggerated sense of self-importance to the detriment of others. They truly believe they are superior to everyone in every way, and they have a grandiose sense of entitlement.”

  Kelsey’s mouth dropped. It was all so true of Filomena and it explained why she would often go against the advice of experts. Filomena believed she always knew what was best and had convinced Kelsey that she was the ultimate authority.

  “People with NPD have low empathy,” Theo went on. “They see their spouses and children as an extension of themselves, not as separate people with lives of their own.”

  “How does this happen? How does someone get NPD?”

  “It’s very sad,” Theo said. “The experts don’t know for sure. They believe it’s a mixture of genetics and environmental influences. When people who suffer from NPD were children, weak and defenseless, something happened that caused them to feel so insignificant and ashamed that they built a false self—this grandiose mask, that they must protect at all costs.”

  A sick feeling rose inside Kelsey and for a moment it took all she had not to throw up. This explained everything about her mother’s behavior. Incidents from the past flashed through her, a kaleidoscope of validation that indeed, her mother suffered from this terrible mental disorder. The times Filomena pinched her when Kelsey’s stomach growled in public, the way she’d squashed Kelsey’s individuality, how she’d insisted she be the one to walk Kelsey down the aisle.

  “People with NPD can be quite charming. That’s how they suck you in. It’s why your mother is so good at politics. She’s great at first impressions. First she charms, then she manipulates and has her victims squirming on a hook. It’s a merry-go-round of idealize, devalue, and discard. When people try to break away or fight back she bullies them into backing off through lies, blaming, gaslighting, or smear campaigns. You’ve seen her do it. She did it to me. She almost ruined me, financially, emotionally, physically. I was wrecked. Too messed up to help you the way I should have.”

  Yes, Filomena had done this, time and time again. She’d bought into her mother’s lies, made excuses for her, championed her to others. Helped her get elected.

  Kelsey put a clammy palm to her sweaty forehead. After Chelsea died, her mother had idealized Kelsey, put her on a pedestal, and as long as Kelsey praised and adored her mother things were good. But as soon as she expressed an opinion not in keeping with Filomena’s way of doing things, she’d start to devalue her. To stay on her mother’s good side, she’d always backtracked.

  Until she’d listened to Tasha, gone to Twilight, met Noah.

  And then Filomena had discarded her in a very public way.

  “People with NPD are unable to love anyone but themselves and if it looks like they’re giving you love, it’s only to get something from you. They simply do not know how to love without conditions.”

  “I’m gonna be sick.” Kelsey’s stomach roiled. She hopped up and fled to the bathroom.

  Reality was a sledgehammer smacking into her head. She’d always known that her mother was difficult to deal with and needed to control every aspect of Kelsey’s life, but it never occurred to her that Filomena had an actual mental disorder. Kelsey had always assumed she was the problem in the relationship. That she wasn’t a good enough daughter, didn’t try hard enough, that she was the defective one.

  Because of course, that’s what Filomena had told her often enough.

  Her mother’s lack of maternal warmth, her inflexibility and refusal to compromise, her touchy hypersensitivity. Seen through the lens of a mental disorder, her mother’s vexing behavior suddenly made terrible sense.

  Including the tragedy of Chelsea’s death. Her twin sister had drowned trying to get away from their mother’s mental abuse. Chelsea had been the rebel, the scapegoat, the lost one, while Kelsey had assumed the role of golden child, trying forever to please Filomena.

  The pieces of the puzzle fell neatly into place. Clicking like a key in a lock. Solving the mystery that had plagued Kelsey for years. Answering the question that she’d long wanted answered.

  Why couldn’t she ever please her mother?

  Her father followed her into the bathroom. Held Kelsey’s hair back while she threw up. Afterward, he gave her mouthwash to rinse with. Pressed a damp cloth to Kelsey’s forehead. Sat on the floor with her in his tuxedo. Something Filomena would never have done in a million years. He rested his back against the wall, put his arm around Kelsey and pulled her close.

  “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “How did you find out about this?” Kelsey asked.

  “I learned it in therapy. I started going after the divorce. I still go sometimes when things get rocky. I had to learn why I was attracted to someone like your mother and address my part in the relationship. Of course, my therapist says that she can’t diagnose Filomena without treating her, but from everything I’ve told her, she believes that your mother has full-blown NPD.”

  Any remaining guilt Kelsey had been feeling over establishing boundaries with her mother instantly evaporated.

  “I know this is hard to hear,” Theo said. “I know you’ve held out hope that one day she’ll love you just for being you, without any strings, or consequences attached to her love, but she simply will not. It’s like she’s colorblind and you’re asking her to appreciate a rainbow.”

  “I feel sorry for her.”

  “So do I. But you can’t surrender yourself to change her. She’ll never go to therapy. Never admit she has issues. Never work on herself. Because denial is at the very core of her illness. She believes she’s always right. And that’s the insidious nature of NPD.”

  “I wish you’d told me before. I wouldn’t have wasted so much time trying to make her love me.”

  “Kelsey, you are the only one who has ever been able to navigate a successful long-term relationship with her. I didn’t want to take that away from either one of you.”

  “Oh no, Dad, you don’t get to do that to me,” Kelsey said, standing up for herself. “That’s what you tell yourself to make it easier to live with the truth. You left me to her. Even when you were still living at home. You ran off to the golf course every chance you got.”

&nbs
p; “You’re right.” He hung his head. “You’re so much stronger than I am.”

  “You abandoned me to her.”

  Tears misted his eyes. “I abandoned you girls to her. I didn’t know how to deal. I was screwed up and selfish myself. And I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

  “I don’t know if that’s enough, Dad.”

  He looked wretched and remorseful. “What can I do to make amends?”

  “You’re doing it,” she said softening. Knowing that for all his flaws, he did love her unconditionally. “Being here for me now.”

  “I love you, sweetheart.”

  “I know, Dad.” She did understand that her father had done his best under the circumstances. That he had a boatload of his own problems or he would never have married Filomena in the first place. “I love you too.”

  Theo hugged her hard. “I hope you can find a way to forgive me.”

  “If you’ll forgive me for feeling angry with you.”

  “Always, sweetheart. You can be as mad at me as you want, and I’ll never stop loving you.”

  Kelsey moistened her lips. “May I ask you something?”

  “Anything. Everything.”

  “How did your therapist suggest you handle Filomena?”

  “Besides leaving her?”

  “Yes.”

  “She said to accept your mother for who and what she is. Filomena does have good qualities.”

  Maybe, but right now, Kelsey was blind to them.

  “And while appreciating those qualities, to stop holding out hope that things will be anything other than what they are.”

  “Tall order.”

  “Understand that you are not the crazy one, no matter how many times she might tell you that you are. Don’t get drawn into a battle with her.”

  “Another tall order.”

  “You’ve managed to keep the peace all these years . . .”

  “That’s shot to hell now. Once I stood up to her.”

  “Don’t take the blame. Don’t say you’re sorry for something that is not your fault.”

  “Tall order times ten.”

  Her father stroked Kelsey’s cheek with his knuckles. “You’re strong. You’ll get through this.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Besides take care of yourself and figure out what it is you want your life to look like?”

  Kelsey nodded.

  “Basically,” Theo said, “my therapist’s advice is to live life by the serenity prayer.”

  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” Kelsey mumbled.

  “The courage to change the things I can,” Theo said. “Like walking away from her.”

  They looked at each other and laughed and together finished with, “And the wisdom to know the difference.”

  “You’re a lunkhead.” Raylene sank her hands on her hips and gave Noah a look that said she was within inches of coming across the lobby and kicking his ass.

  “What did I do?”

  “You let Kelsey leave here in tears!”

  “Mind your own business.” Noah growled.

  “She needed your support, but you didn’t give her any.”

  “You don’t have a clue what’s going on. Butt out.”

  “I saw that girl’s face when she rushed out of here. You hurt her buddy, big-time.”

  Noah chuffed. “Raylene, she hurt me.”

  Raylene cocked her head. “How so?”

  “She accused me of getting close to her just to get back at her mother for what she did ten years ago.”

  “And no part of that is true?”

  “Pissing off her mother is a side benefit of our relationship, but I would never use Kelsey in that way. I love her and if she can’t see that . . .” He shook his head. “Well, we don’t stand a chance of making it.”

  “I saw that press conference on the nightly news and I agree that her mother is a piece of work, but Noah, Filomena is still her mother. You of all people should know how important a mother is.”

  “That’s why I told her to go home and figure her life out.”

  “By herself?”

  “It’s not my fight, Raylene.”

  “The hell it’s not.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You love her, don’t you?”

  “More than anything.”

  “Then you’re in this up to your neck. You, Noah MacGregor, take the easy way out.”

  “You think this is easy?”

  “It’s easier for you than facing the truth.”

  “Which is?”

  “I think, because of losing your own mother, you fear getting trapped in pain and loss. So, you developed this easygoing personality to hide that ten-year-old boy who was so hurt when your mother died.”

  “What’s wrong with that? Easygoing seems to be a much better coping mechanism than a lot of things I could have gotten into.”

  “For sure, but easygoing has a downside and you need to look at that if you’re going to fix things with Kelsey.”

  Yeah, okay. Taking the easy way out had gotten him into trouble a time or two over the years. He’d lost his career because he hadn’t been willing to fight for it, just as Joel had accused him at the casino event. Melissa had said much the same thing when she’d walked out on him.

  Noah jammed his hands into his pockets and hunched his shoulders. “What should I have done differently?”

  “You should have gone with her. Held her hand. Faced down the dragon with her. Done something to show her that you were on her side. But you just sent her off on her own, when she needed your support the most. You’re asking her to trust your love, but you didn’t show her that she could trust you to be there when the chips were down. She hurt your feelings, and you, who takes the long way around in order to avoid getting hurt, just let her go.”

  “Is that the way you see me?” Noah gulped.

  “That’s the way she sees you. I guarantee it.”

  Was Raylene right? Noah already felt bad as hell over the way things had gone down, but to think he’d made things worse for Kelsey was a gut punch.

  “Look, you’re a good guy, but you got this thing where you always expect life to be smooth and easy. It makes you a joy to be around when things are good, but when the chips are down, you tend to make yourself scarce. You’re tall and good-looking and fun. Life comes so easy to you that when you hit a bump, you surrender.”

  “I don’t do that.” Noah frowned, an arrow of self-awareness piercing straight to his heart. “Do I?”

  “You were a natural basketball player. The NBA rolled right into your lap. But as soon as you hit trouble—bam, you gave up.”

  “I blew out my knee, Raylene!”

  “You didn’t even try to come back. You took the doctors at their word and threw in the towel without a fight.”

  “They said recovery would be long and grueling and not guaranteed!”

  “Exactly. You won’t ever know, will you, because you didn’t fight for it. A comeback was too hard.”

  He clenched his jaw. “That’s not fair. I was taking care of my body.”

  She shrugged. “That’s one way of looking at it. Another way is that you’re just too damn lazy.”

  “I’m not chalking that up to a character flaw.”

  “Okay, what about your marriage to Melissa?”

  “What about it?” He scowled.

  “You didn’t fight for her either. She left because you stopped trying. Not because you got hurt.”

  “She found another guy to sleep with, Raylene.”

  “And you didn’t even try to win her back.”

  “It was done. Over. We were too different. We wanted different things.”

  “Just like now? With Kelsey?”

  “I’m giving her the time and space she needs.”

  “Okay, whatever you have to do to make things easier on you.” Raylene shot him a you’re-a-lost-cause look.

  The way she said “e
asier” pissed him off. “I tried to fight for Kelsey once and look where it got me. Her mother threatened me. I could have lost my scholarship—”

  “Maybe that’s where it started,” Raylene mused. “Your tendency to give up when the going gets tough.”

  “I haven’t given up on Kelsey.”

  “Haven’t you already mentally signed off? Her mother is a challenge. Kelsey’s got some heavy feelings to sort through. You can’t just love her when she’s perky and optimistic,” Raylene said. “You have to allow her to be who she is, and if that means she’s not always going to be easy, suck it up, buddy, experience the pain and understand that it’s all part of loving her.”

  “Look at this, dammit,” he said, holding up his wrist for her to see his tattoo. Dare. “I got this to remind myself of the importance of taking chances. I risked a helluva lot to get where I am. I bought this island and started a B&B when everyone said it wouldn’t work—”

  “But it did work,” Raylene said. “It worked so easily because you already had this celebrity status and you are so much fun to be around. You’re a natural people person, just like you were a natural basketball player. If this boatel hadn’t come together like homemade vanilla ice cream and hot fudge on a sundae, would you still be here? Face it, deep down inside you’re terrified of failure, so you only try at things you’re automatically good at.”

  Was that true? Noah stared at Raylene. Then looked down at his wrist.

  Dare.

  What real risks had he actually taken? Raylene was right. He was a hypocrite and it was tattooed right there on his wrist for him to see.

  “Oh shit,” he said.

  “Yeah.” Raylene nodded. “Now you’re getting it.”

  “What do I do?”

  “About Kelsey?”

  “Yes, yes.”

  “Follow that damn tattoo. Dare to do something. Grand gesture, baby. Go to her and show her you’re not the kind of man who takes the easy way out.”