Husband Sit (Husband #1)

by Louise Cusack

  Tell me about it.

  “…and I wanted a baby who’d grow up to be gentle and kind and lovely.” She stopped talking then, and I thought I saw her lips quivering before she added, “I deserve that baby,” so conflicted, so damned endearing I wanted to step over there and hug her. “Finn…” She shook her head. “He didn’t want to do it. He thought it would be weird.”

  “It is weird.”

  She ignored that. “But I talked him into it. No-one else knows he donated the sperm. People think it was a random donor. I don’t know why he told you.”

  Because he was honest.

  But I had to say, “He didn’t tell me you were his cousin.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Considering your Ew reaction, he probably did the right thing.”

  I wasn’t sure about that, but I did know there was a final question that had to be answered, and I was terrified to ask it. Still, I forced myself to look her straight in the eye and say, “Can you honestly tell me you’ve never wanted Finn to be the father of your baby?”

  “But he is,” she answered straight away, in apparent confusion. “We’re not telling the child he donated the sperm if that’s what you mean?”

  “No. That’s not what I’m asking.”

  I waited her out and she looked puzzled for all of five seconds, as if she was replaying my question inside her mind looking for meaning. Then her mouth twisted abruptly in distaste. “Are you saying… me and Finn… a couple?” She sounded as if I’d just suggested that a cat mate with a dog.

  “I take it that’s a no.”

  “That’s an Ew, what the hell are you thinking?” Her voice rose an octave. “What part of He’s like a brother to me did you not understand? Ew!” She even wriggled on the chair, presumably shuddering.

  “Okay.” I held out a hand. “I just thought—”

  “No. Just… no!”

  “I’m sorry.” I’d clearly offended her, so I waited patiently while she calmed down, taking sips of her water and shivering again, as though to shake off the idea. Finally I said, “He told me you were bi, and I didn’t realize you’d grown up together, so I thought…” I shook my head. I thought the wrong thing.

  “That I’d ditch my wife and take up with Finn?” She looked so incredulous, I finally realized I could let that fear go. For the second time in my life, I felt my heart soar like a cork rising through water. Finn would clearly never be on her relationship radar. But she continued to gaze at me pensively for a long uncomfortable time before saying, “Did you break up with him because you were jealous of me?”

  There was zero value in bullshitting to this girl, so I nodded.

  “But he loves you,” she said softly. “And he so deserves to be happy.”

  “I know.”

  I just stared at her, trying to work out how to go forward. Now that the crazy jealousy was unraveled and dismissed, I felt stupid, and a bit lost.

  She gazed back at me, and this time it wasn’t uncomfortable. At last she said, “On the day of the appointment, Finn didn’t think he could…you know, especially not when I was in the building waiting to be impregnated. He thought it was… Ew.” Her lips were trembling again as her beautiful smile broke through. “But he did what I asked him to do. He gave us a baby. And I love him so much for that.”

  I could feel my eyes prickling as a gush of emotion swept over me. That was so not the story I’d been imagining. “I’m so happy for you,” I said, with genuine sentiment. The poor kid deserved whatever joy life brought her, including a protective wife and a doting ‘big brother’, not to mention the beautiful baby she was growing. I could only feel happy for her, and not jealous on any level which was such a relief. “Thank you for telling me that story. Not that I deserve to know, bitch that I am.”

  She shrugged. “I’ve been terrible to Sieu while I’ve been pregnant. Hormones have made me crazy. Crazier than I normally am.” She dimpled. “But she stuck by me.”

  “She loves you.” That was obvious even to me.

  Lizzie nodded. “Like you love Finn. And sweet heaven, he loves you! Is there anything else that matters?”

  The tiny blond munchkin in front of me had just cut through all the bullshit baggage I’d been lugging around. All I could do was shake my head. “I said horrible things to him,” I admitted. “I called him a liar and a cheating bastard.”

  Her pretty face crumpled and she stared at me with big anguished eyes. “But he’s not.”

  Tell me about it!

  Well, actually, she just did.

  So instead of stating the obvious, I said, “I doubt he’ll ever want to speak to me again. In fact, I texted him an apology and he didn’t reply.”

  “He’s changed his phone.” She sat up straighter. “He gave me a new number.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  Did he think I was a psycho stalker?

  She smiled sadly. “Maybe so he couldn’t hear from you. So he couldn’t be tempted to come after you again.”

  That made me extra sad.

  “Littlebit?” It was Sieu outside the door, sounding worried.

  “I’m nearly finished!” she called back, then she whispered to me, “Don’t let her in yet. She’ll boss me back into the car.”

  I shared a grin with her, and couldn’t help liking her more. She was so like Finn. The same cheeky smile. The same golden skin. “You’re definitely not related to Finn?”

  “Not by blood,” she confirmed. “Although the foster agency put me with his aunt because I had similar coloring to her. I was never going back to my own family, so I guess they wanted me to look like I belonged.”

  I nodded. That made sense.

  “So…” She looked at me expectantly. “Are you going after him?”

  Good to see her motives were out in the open—to encourage me to throw myself against an almost-certain brick wall of rejection.

  “Pardon?” I said, to buy myself time. “I don’t think—”

  “Good,” she said, and nodded. “Don’t think. Just feel. You love him. He’s desperately smitten with you—”

  “Is he?” I hated that every needy inch of me was on display, but if there was a chance…“How can you tell?”

  “He’s been flying all over Europe with work. He never does that. He even missed my birthday, although he sent me a present. And he never does that either. Family is so important to him. But he can’t be around us right now.”

  “Because of me?” I held my breath.

  She nodded. “He’s doing the only thing he thinks he’s good at. Work.”

  But dear God, he was good at so much more. Making love for a start. Not to mention cooking and kissing and…I needed to stop thinking about that and get my head together.

  I forced myself forward and came to crouch in front of her recliner. “I want to be brave enough to win him back.”

  She took my hands in her tiny ones. “I’m sure you are,” she said. “Tell me about other times when you’ve been brave.”

  “When my friends are in trouble. I’m a tiger then.” Just the thought of someone hurting Fritha or Missy Lou or Ange set my teeth on grrr.

  Her dimples came back. “I’ll bet you’re a great friend. In fact, I’m looking forward to you being a great friend.”

  That made me smile. “You are?”

  “And Jill.” She looked at me solemnly now, and I had a sudden sinking feeling. Was there a kicker? “I want you as the Godmother of my baby.”

  And just as quickly as my heart had dropped, it rose back into my throat. Godmother of Finn’s baby? I had no hope of keeping my eyes dry. But I had to say, “Have you asked Sieu about this?”

  She shook her head. “I get my way. At least while I’m pregnant.”

  I could well understand why. She was the most adorable human I’d ever met. “Then I will.”

  She pulled me into a hug and her hair smelt like sunshine. Just like Finn’s.

  I ached for him then, but it wasn’t the same hopeless feeling I’d be
en fighting for weeks. This was a hot ache, and it came with a determination to stand in front of him, at least to apologize for the insults I’d thrown at him, and to beg for another chance. He missed me. I could tell that from Lizzie’s comments. So I had a chance. Whether I’d hurt him too badly to mend the fences I’d broken…

  I could only try.

  Sieu hollered at us then, and we let her in. She gave me details of a function he’d be at on the weekend and I saw them off with hugs—much to Sieu’s astonishment. After that I laid plans, feeling stronger and more resolute. I’d been wafting through life since I’d come back to Dakaroo, but this wasn’t something I could drift through. This would be a premeditated plan and I needed to go all out.

  I also needed to let my girls know what I was doing. I was done feeling ashamed about my choices. They might not understand me, but I wanted them to love me anyway. Missy Lou would be the hardest, so I started there first.

  “Jillian,” she said, in crisp voice, which I hadn’t expected at dinnertime. Had she stopped drinking now that she was getting a divorce?

  Either way, I didn’t mince words. “I’m going to beg Finn to forgive me. He’s the one.”

  A beat of silence. “Are you sure?” I heard a hundred questions tucked into those three small words, not the least her fear that Finn brought out my worst.

  I took a deep breath and dove in. “I’m tired of being scared,” I said, clutching the phone to my ear, hoping she’d understand. “But I know I can trust Finn. He won’t hurt me on purpose. And he’s—” got a big cock “—smoking hot, as you know. I really want to do him. Like, forever.”

  “I see.”

  I waited her out, wondering what she was thinking, wondering why I wanted her blessing because I was going after Finn no matter what the three of them said. But at last she broke the silence with, “No matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you.”

  I cried.

  Predictably.

  But I felt so damned blessed. Missy Lou’s declaration wasn’t lip service. I realized in that moment that I could turn up on her doorstep naked with track marks on my arms and she’d let me in. She might lock me in! But she wouldn’t turn me away.

  I loved that. And I loved her.

  “I hope you can be happy, L,” I said, wondering what that would take.

  “And just to change the topic slightly, you definitely don’t want Douglas?”

  “Not at all,” I said, wondering why she was sorting this out for her husband. She must still love Marcus very much to want him to be happy, and in that moment I realized just how big her heart really was.

  So much bigger than mine. Although Finn was inside it now, expanding it more all the time.

  I rang Fritha and she gushed. No surprise there. I made her promise to keep out of it and she happily agreed—so happily, in fact, that she told me if I wanted, she’d wear pink to the wedding. I promised her the rainbow dress was fine, as if my getting back with Finn was a done deal, but the reality was far less secure.

  Next was Ange.

  She opened our conversation gushing about Louella’s lawyer, and how it looked like she’d definitely get her half of the house, although that might take time. I told her about Lizzie’s visit and my plans to ambush Finn. She squealed over the phone, and that made me laugh as we plotted the details.

  I flew into Sydney on Saturday morning, Ange picked me up and we spent the day going from nail clinic to beauty parlor to hairdressers, until I was convinced that I shone! It was a charity function and Sieu had snagged me a ticket at Finn’s table. I wore a new red cocktail dress that swirled around my knees and my hair was loose and sexy, swirling around my shoulders. Killer heels—check. Diamante bracelet—check. Matching diamante anklet—check. Strategic splashes of ylang ylang perfume—meow!

  A hug from Ange and I was in the taxi, smiling at her through the window as the nerves I’d been holding off all day crept in.

  “Big night, luv?” the taxi driver asked, glancing at me in the rear-view mirror.

  “I’m going to win back the love of my life,” I said, more confidently than I felt.

  He laughed a Santa Claus Ho, Ho, Ho and said, “Good for you!”

  “It will be good for me.” I nodded to myself. “But it will be good for him too. I’ll be good for him.”

  I had to convince myself of that, because otherwise I needed to leave Finn alone. The last thing he needed after Katinka was some woman messing him around. But I was determined that I wasn’t going to be that woman. I was going to be trusting. Trust-worthy. That was important. I had to tell him early on that I’d stopped husband sitting. I hadn’t dated anyone. I’d just pined for him.

  Oh, wait. Should I tell him that? It sounded lame. But then, hadn’t he been pining for me? God, what if Lizzie had that wrong? What if he’d just been cranky, writing women off? What if he was completely not interested? I could make a huge fool of myself.

  I was still grappling with that idea when the taxi arrived at the venue, a big hotel in the centre of Sydney. Embarrassingly, there was a red carpet, and after paying the driver, I stepped out onto it, finding it so plush it was hard to walk on in heels. But I managed to reach the foyer without falling on my face, and then I could simply follow the crowds up the wide marble stairs to the giant ballroom on the next level. There were at least thirty round tables that seated twelve, and I had no idea which one was mine.

  I opened my clutch purse to find my ticket for the white-jacketed female door attendant, and in that instant, someone jostled me from behind. I dropped my purse and everything from lipstick to condoms fell onto the floor.

  I could have died right there.

  And if this had been any other night, I would have written it off and bailed. But the attendant just smiled at me—a shit happens smile—and she crouched to help me restock my purse. I could have hugged her.

  When I’d given her the ticket, she led me toward the table, but in my scrabble across the floor, I’d completely forgotten that I wanted to ask her to point out the table so I could scope it from a distance. It took several “Excuse me’s!” to be heard over the murmuring crowd. In the end, we stopped only ten feet away. I could see the back of Finn’s honey-blond head and my stomach went into a tailspin.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Will He Or Won’t He?

  My cheeks were hot, but I thanked the attendant and asked for the bathroom which she pointed out. Luckily, it was in the opposite direction, so I could backtrack and cruise along the wall, trying to watch Finn, but there were too many people between us. The room was filling up and there were hundreds milling about.

  I ducked into the bathroom, hid in a cubicle and tried to calm my breathing. When that didn’t work, I peed, and somehow that calmed me down. Go figure. I came back out and took my time washing my hands and checking my hair and makeup, but it was all picture-perfect. I knew I looked good—maybe the best Finn had ever seen me. So that was a bonus. If this was the last time we were to be together, at least I’d leave a good impression.

  Not the most motivating thought I could muster, but as I re-entered the busy ballroom, I realized that the best thing I could do was confront him, get this over with before the speeches started, then if he was going to reject me outright, at least it shouldn’t cause a scene.

  I hoped.

  Although, to be honest, that was the least of my worries. I’d never see any of these people again, and if Finn told me to fuck off, I would be back in the child care centre on Monday wiping snotty noses and kissing bruised knees as if none of this had happened. I should have felt good about the fact that I had choices, but the thought of a ‘Finn or no Finn’ option terrified me. I hadn’t even seen his face yet and already I was sweating.

  Calm down. You can do this.

  For some reason those encouraging words came to me in Missy Lou’s voice, and it helped me settle. She’d always been calm and controlled about everything. Surely I could emulate that for half an hour.

  I straightened my shoulde
rs, sucked in a deep breath and re-oriented myself in the room with its black velvet chairs, glittering mirrored chandeliers and sparkling mirrored centerpieces on the tables. It was glitzy, but I wasn’t intimidated by that—or so I told myself as I wended by way between tables on my way to table twenty-four.

  Only, this time as I approached Finn from the back, there was a woman sitting beside him. His arm was on the back of her chair and he was leaning toward her, as if he was whispering in her ear. I had two seconds of Dear God it’s Katinka before I registered that this blonde had straight hair in a bob that just touched her shoulders. She also seemed taller. Maybe thinner.

  I swallowed down a sick feeling in my throat and stood watching them as people milled around. I had no idea what to do because I hadn’t anticipated this. And certainly, Lizzie hadn’t given me the heads up. This woman could be a colleague, but there was something about their posture, some familiarity that screamed relationship.

  The part of my brain that usually revved my fight-or-flight engine was screaming Didn’t I tell you this would happen? At some point, he’s going to find someone else. You may as well accept that now. Only…that was just fear, like thinking he and Lizzie might become an item. It was a crazy, baseless, fearful imagining, so I should ignore it.

  Shouldn’t I?

  I was suddenly confused, so I turned my back, pulled out my phone and rang Fritha.

  “J!” She sounded breathlessly excited. “When’s the wedding?”

  I kept my voice low. “I’m ten paces away from Finn. He hasn’t seen me yet. And there’s some woman sitting beside him. I think it’s a date.”

  Silence. “But he loves you.”

  I really wanted to believe that, but I shook my head, completely forgetting that Fritha couldn’t see me.

  When I made no reply she said, “I never told you what he wrote in those texts I deleted. Remember when you first ran away from him?”

  I swallowed tightly. “You said it wasn’t important.”

  “No. I said you probably didn’t want to see them. I could tell you were trying to forget him.”

  “And…?”