Bulletproof (Healer)

by April Smyth

  "Would you prefer it if Rose sat with you?" Angelica asks.

  I shake my head, "I'd like to be alone please."

  And alone I am. Totally alone.

  SEVENTEEN

  The draining of my blood is not as sensuous when it is a sterile needle performing the task and not Maurice's gleaming teeth.

  In the silent darkness of the surveillance room I remember the last time I was here. It had been one of the few times I'd felt the promise that Gabe might actually like me. The sight of Maurice's clinical resting spot was gruesome but it had been a quiet moment that Gabe and I had shared together. Looking back it must have been a cruel joke. He knew that eventually I'd end up here with beady eyes staring me down at the other side of that thick glass.

  My blood must be regenerating so I don't lose consciousness or the magic concoction is working. I am wide awake, watching the blood pour out of my like a cherry red river and I feel okay. My body really is prepared for any danger, adjusting itself to suit my every need and sheltering me from physical pain but I'd like to feel the physical pain - it would make a pleasant change, a welcome distraction, from the hollow ache in my chest.

  While I am still alive and aware, the sensation is certainly not comfortable. I can't really move much or the needle will dislocate from my arm and that will call for somebody to return and fuss around me. So I sit perfectly still.

  Time feels like it has stood still but the hour must have passed. I may be able to defeat pain but the passing of time is something that I cannot avoid. The next minute will always come, nighttime will come and I can be with Maurice again. I crave the calm he offers despite knowing his intentions are cruel and selfish.

  Rose returns this time and I scowl in her direction. She is holding a notebook and a guilty smile. "I wanted to tell you, Cassie," she begins. "Right from the beginning..."

  "But you didn't," I snap back. Why should I loosen the slack on her to make her feel less guilty about what she has done? I thought we were friends but she threw me into the dragon's den. She doesn't deserve my forgiveness, "You could have saved me from this, took me home or something.”

  She shakes her head, "No. I told you we are bound to a contract."

  "A contract? A measly piece of paper is worth more than my life?"

  "You won't die, Cassie," she shakes her head but I can tell she isn’t certain.

  "I know but it's still my life!" I finally understand why dad turned all the researchers and doctors away. He gave up all the money and fancy luxuries they offered so I could still own my life.

  "Just because I'm different or special or whatever doesn't mean I don’t deserve to live. I came here so I could finally do that, so I could ride in fast cars and kiss scary vampires in the dead of the night. Not to be hooked up to a machine.” I pull the needle out of my skin knowing the hour is up and my blood can be my own property again. For now.

  She winces and picks up my blood bag. "You don't understand, Cassie, with Maurice it isn't just a piece of paper we sign to say we'll do our job. With vampires there's no escape."

  "There's always an escape, Rose," but I'm not sure if I even mean that. I always thought that honour could surpass any obstacle. If you believe something in your heart, you can free yourself from any bad situation. Nobody has the right to control you, that’s what I said but how can I think that when I'm sitting here, hooked up to a draining device but waiting to be with the same man who’s doing it to me? When did I become such a coward?

  Dad didn't want this life for me. He didn't want scientists to control my decisions, didn't want me to be locked up like a guinea pig for testing but what use was freedom if I couldn't enjoy it? He never let me go jogging in the morning or taught me how to drive a car or gave me permission to go to parties. Yes, I was free from the confines of a hospital ward but I was still trapped, unable to make my own decisions and live life how I wanted to.

  So it seemed I had a choice. Succumb to the researchers and the doctors and even the vampires who lust after my blood but in turn I could taste a new flavour of life. Be it Russia or Toulouse. This choice gave me the freedom to explore the wild and the unthinkable. Or I could forgo the scary clinical treatments that made my stomach turn for a life of peace. A boring, safe life but at least it could be my own.

  The choice isn't mine now. Maurice has took my life in his hands and picked my destiny for me. I am his personal gold mine that will never deplete.

  But was the choice really ever my own? Before Maurice, my dad had made the decisions. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I am totally in control of my own fate. I can wake up in the morning with no lines drawn on my map, no programmed satellite navigation telling me where to go and what to do. I can be a free spirit. It seems unthinkable; it is a silly dream that tastes like candy floss on my tongue.

  "After a few days in here you will know that there isn't always an escape route, Cassie, when it comes to vampires you're stuck," she whispers.

  "But don't you love it?" I query. Her life with vampires has supplied her with clothes, a beautiful home and the ability to care for her brother.

  She shakes her head and touch the spot on my arm where the needle pierced my skin - completely clean, "Who could love this?"

  "You chose this," I say, "I didn't."

  "I chose it no more than you did. Stop being so arrogant and realise that I want to help you," she sounds like she's going to cry. She is. Her beautiful face is crumpling, sad lines forming, a glassy layer of water is appearing in her eyes. I can't handle it if she cries, I couldn't keep scorning her. It would be like kicking a puppy. "I don't enjoy seeing you here. I think of you as my friend, Cassie. This kills me."

  She turns away so I don't see the tears spill across her flawless face. Her words have punched me in the gut and made me feel like a terrible person. I should never have doubted her sincerity. Past her materialism and her obvious beauty lies a pure heart with good intentions. She would never want to hurt me, I should never have thought differently.

  "I'm sorry," I say. I wonder if somebody is watching our exchange from the other side of the monitoring wall where Maurice lies sleeping. Surely Rose wouldn't risk being heard. Her words would not be thought of kindly if Maurice heard. It was her after all that warned me to be careful about what you say and how you act here. "Don't cry, Rose. I'm sorry for being mean. I just wish you would stop being so cryptic."

  "I have to be. Maurice would have me dead if I gave too much away. You don't get fired from this job, you're in it for life and one wrong move..." she simulates having her throat cut. Displease Maurice and you're a goner. He can't let his employees leave with all the secrets they hold. It is vital that his existence remains a mystery and ex-employees would run around telling stories of his extravagant existence. They're trapped. I know the feeling.

  "None of us knew what we were getting into. We saw the opportunity to make a lot of money and live a fancy life. I was young and I was like you, I wanted to see the world and escape the confines of a boring life. I didn't know that the restrictions are so much more asphyxiating."

  “And now you can't leave?”

  It's a sad story. Is this the reason Gabe despises working for Maurice? I can't imagine he was driven by greed or a desire to travel the world. It had to be something more for him.

  "No, I'm stuck here forever and I'll end up an old witch like Angelica," she lets a giggle escape through her tears.

  I feel a pang of sympathy for Angelica. She is horrible but perhaps she didn't start out that way. She might have been young and beautiful and longing for an exciting life like Rose. Maurice is charming, who wouldn't want to work for him? At least that's how it must seem at first but now she has rotted away and now there is nothing redeeming left. Is that what a mortal life with vampires always leads to? Is there no happy ending? “It's not always horrible, there are a lot of perks but when I see you like this it's hard to think it’s all worth it.”

  Gabe told me how Rose uses shopping and handsome men to c
ope with the hardships in her life. She lives in a vicious cycle: needs her job to pay for her happiness but it is her job that drives her to depression.

  "Can you forgive me for bringing you here? For not telling you?"

  I nod and clasp her hands in mine. No matter what happens I won't doubt Rose again. I am positive that she is the closest thing I have to a friend on this planet. She may not be able to get me out of this predicament but she is a shoulder to cry on, somebody who can help me put things into perspective, somebody to talk to when I'm feeling low and she understands how conflicted I feel about Maurice, Gabe and my family back at home. "Can you forgive me for being such a bitch?" I say, wiping away the tears which have collected underneath her eyes.

  She laughs, "I deserve it, Cass. If I had told you, you and Gabe could have tried to run or something."

  Everything freezes at the mention of his name. "I don't think that was ever an option," I say forlornly. I want night to come. I want to feel numb and make the sadness that I feel whenever I think about Gabe go away. Only Maurice can eradicate those thoughts.

  "Still bad?"

  I nod, "Is he still here?"

  “Yes. He’s recruiting today though," she replies.

  "What is recruitment?"

  Rose goes red, "We are sent out to the city to find, well, Maurice's dinner I suppose."

  "You pick humans to feed him?" I sound shocked but I shouldn't be surprised. A vampire needs human blood to survive. During our nights together Maurice would always nip off for half an hour. He must have been off for a midnight snack.

  I try not to imagine whose blood had stained his lips, the same lips I shamelessly kiss to help make the sadness dissipate, but I remind myself Maurice needs to be sustained on the naive citizens or he will shrivel up and die. Without blood, a vampire won’t live. Simple as that. I wonder who Gabe will bring back today, what lives will be expended and what they are leaving behind.

  She nods, "Gabe hates doing it but he said it beats watching you in here like this."

  "I thought he'd get a kick out of watching me in pain," I snap.

  Rose frowns, "Sometimes I think we're on the same page but then you say things like that and I realise we couldn't be further apart."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Gabe is in love with you," she laughs nonchalantly. I widen my eyes and feel a gust of air knocked out of my lungs. She's lying, why would she joke about that when she knows how I feel about him? "He is completely besotted."

  "He hates me, Rose!"

  Her laugh gets louder and I itch with frustration, "Are you joking? I can't tell if you're being serious. You can't be serious."

  "I'm being serious! He loathes me. He can't even bear to touch me and then there's Claire!"

  The laughing stops. "How do you know about Claire?"

  "I heard him shout her name in the hotel in Paris," I explain but I feel like I've said too much.

  "Claire is his ex-girlfriend..." there is evidently more to the story than that. "Trust me, Cassie, Gabe does not hate you. In fact, it's been tearing him apart that you don't want to see him. He feels terrible about everything."

  "I can't imagine Gabe feeling terrible about anything," I say.

  "You don't get a moody face like his without being pretty sad. He's a total ass, you don't need me to tell you that, but he is so much more than that," she says, "He is a tortured soul."

  I gulp. I am frightened to speak now. I am afraid that Rose is lying to me and that she is telling me these things so I will relax more and harvesting my blood will be easier if I’m happy.

  "I've always had a soft spot for him since he arrived here a few years after me. I thought you saw what I see when I look at him," she says. “More than meets the eye, a heart of gold in a bad boy exterior.”

  "I do," I choke.

  She smiles, "Good because he wants to see you tonight. Well, I told him to. I told him you'd want to talk to him."

  "Tonight? I'll be with Maurice," I say.

  "Really? Is it that good?" she raises her eyebrow then she adds, "Actually I've had vampire sex, it's pretty amazing and Maurice can be quite hypnotising."

  "That's for sure," I say, feeling heat in my thighs thinking about him. Sordid images flashing in my head.

  "Okay so it's amazing. You can give me details later but seriously I'll tell Gabe to see you in the morning. You need to talk," she says.

  "I don't think that's a good idea," I've barely made any progress, seeing Gabe's face again would only set me back a thousand steps. "Maurice wouldn't like it."

  Rose sighs, "He's got you wrapped around your little finger."

  “I don't care if it isn't real, Rose. It feels amazing when I’m with him. I don't want to think about Gabe. It hurts too much," I bite my lips.

  Rose views me with sceptical eyes. "I need to administer the second phase of collection." She fiddles about with wires and tubes before finding the drip and poking into it my skin. "Cassie? That pain you feel whenever you think about Gabe means so much more than whatever lust you feel when you're with Maurice," Rose whispers, watching the clear liquid flow into me.

  "Why are you pushing this?" I ask. I already made my mind up. I can't think about Gabe anymore. I care about him deeply. I might even love him but I tried to help him and he made it clear my aid was not wanted. There was nothing at all that I could offer which he wanted to take from me. It might not be real but Maurice wants my body, he wants to have sex with me and he can give me pleasure. It might be fake but I can't spend my whole life brooding over a boy who can't be happy himself never mind make me happy.

  "Because I see the way you watch each other and you're my friends. You could make him happy. You could bring him out of that darkness and he could make you feel really alive," she says. "But you don't need me to tell you this. You already know and you've thought about it a million times, right? I've been in love too and the good outweighs the bad. I wish I'd never let it go, I don't want you to do the same."

  "Why did you let it go?"

  Rose is placing my bag of blood into an incubator. Her hands are shaking. "A couple of years ago, Maurice gave me a week off work so I went back home to visit my brother then I met Dan. He was American, studying medicine at Oxford, volunteering at Michael's care home. He was so smart and so kind, Cassie, and really sexy too. I spent the whole week with him but I knew I had to come back here. I had no choice and Dan had to go back to America too. He asked me to come back with him. We were totally in love, I even asked Maurice if I could leave. He declined my offer. I haven't seen Dan since."

  "That's sad," is all I can say.

  "It is. I miss him everyday and even when I'm with other men, none of them can ever make me feel how I did with Dan. Sometimes I wish I'd never met him because missing him hurts so much but feeling love is definitely worth the pain," she explains. I think she might start crying again but she pulls it together.

  "It's not the same," I reply. "Gabe and I."

  "No love story is ever the same," she says, taking my blood out of the incubator and filling up five small cups with the liquid. It is odd watching her work with the substance that should be flowing through my body. I feel detached from it now. "Will you please see him? When Maurice is feeding tonight?"

  I sigh. I don't think she's going to give up, "Okay." The thought of seeing him sends an ache across my skin. I don't believe what Rose is telling me about Gabe loving me. My feelings are unreciprocated. There is no way he stares at the ceiling and wills the dull ache in his chest away like I do. Whatever torments him, I am not it. But Rose is my friend and if meeting Gabe will give her peace of mind then I'll do it. After that I promise myself I won't subject myself to seeing him again. The sharp edges of his face, the pillowy lips, his menacing eyes that made me so wary when I first met him in Vita.

  "Good. Time to swap over," Rose says and switches the nutrient drip for the needle which extracts my blood. "It will be okay, Cassie."

  "I'm stuck here forever, aren't I?"

/>   "Who knows. I have a lot of hope that the European vampires will come out the closet, so to speak, like the Americans. Things would be a lot better for us then," she says. "I would be protected, a little more. So would you, and Gabe too."

  I have read enough about vampires and seen plenty to know that this seems unlikely. The vampires in America are watched, gawked at, bound by new laws and restrictions that a vampire like Maurice doesn't have to worry about. Why would he surrender his ability to do what he wants like a ruler of an undiscovered island? What would he gain? Maybe a few nice hotels to stay in during the day? He would have to sacrifice his recruits for a pasty blood donor volunteer showing up at his house once a week; that's how it works in America at least or at least how the media want it to appear. I don't know if Rose is just being idealistic, stupid or trying to comfort me.

  Rose spends the rest of the day with me. Swapping the needles, examining my blood and checking it with strange devices but more importantly keeping me company, keeping the sadness at bay. Angelica comes in occasionally to check up on things; Rose puts up a good front, assures her I am feeling fantastic and she has everything under control. She just wants the eyes to stop staring so she can continue to feed me the truths that have been concealed from me over the past few weeks.

  I want to ask more about Claire but I don't. Maybe I could assemble some courage in my cowardly heart and ask Gabe himself why this ex-girlfriend seems to have such a potent place in his life. What was so special about her? The question is stuck in my throat, I almost ask Rose a thousand times but it won't come out. I think I'm afraid that the answer won't give me any closure, it will just make me feel worse.

  Then she informs me after the fifth collection is finished that Maurice is awake now. I feel giddy. Excited to be intoxicated by him, to get drunk off his kisses and forget about everything Rose has filled my brain with. I can worry about my feelings for Gabe and the horrible future that awaits me tomorrow. For now, I can release every tight muscle in my body as Maurice's lips obliterate all the pain. So what if it's not real, so what if it's a mind trick and he’s manipulating my feelings? That's a problem for another day. I want to relax.