by Paige Notaro
The point was not that she was special. The point was that the culture cut stronger than skin.
I’d noticed it even while deployed. A lot of Afghans were pretty much white. But their values were way off. I’d managed to set my questions aside then. Now everywhere I looked, the same situation presented itself.
I was supposed to be charting a new course. Something to bring before my father. Instead, I could only wonder one thing: Who exactly were we fighting for?
I had no idea how far the line could be drawn anymore.
A hand landed heavy on my back.
I snapped up, expecting to see Montego.
Instead, I saw a round black face, with just a wisp of a smile.
“You back already, Corporal?” Dennis asked.
“At half capacity,” I said.
“Sure as hell beats no capacity.” He laughed softly. “Well, I’m just glad to see you’re doing ok. I’ll leave you to it.”
“Appreciate it. Enjoy the lunch.”
He patted me again and headed off.
Dennis had served in my regiment in Afghanistan. We had been sent to the same forward operating base. We fought together and even bled together. I’d risked my life to save Dennis’s when he got cut down. It was how I earned my purple heart.
Out in the brush lands and desert, survival was the only imperative. I gave my trust to those around me, no matter their color.I spent downtime shooting with them. You needed the guys to keep you sane as much as to keep you safe.
I had convinced myself that I went in harm’s way for Dennis mostly for the cause. He got to live. I looked good. It worked out for us both.
But my mind had been blank when I ran through that sniper fire for him.
Was the cause buried so deep in me that keeping him safe was instinct? Or was it exactly what it felt like on the surface? A man helping a brother in arms?
To his credit, Dennis didn’t think it forged some bond between us. Still, as I saw him eating off by himself, I thought I wouldn’t mind sharing some old war stories. Most of the men here hadn’t been deployed. They didn’t understand things that we did.
I just shoveled down my meal and headed for the quiet of the armory. Raynor clicked out to lunch after another useless handshake and then I was alone.
I spent the rest of the day working on my military assignment only.
When I left the bunker later that evening, my phone showed a missed call. It was an Atlanta number.
It could have been the hospital. It could have been police. My throat went tight anyway as the phone rang.
I knew who I wanted it to be.
“Hello?” Rosa’s voice said.
A smile nearly split my face. I turned to the wall to so no one could see. There was no reason. I was only trying to hide it from myself.
“You called?” I said.
“It’s you.” Her voice went flat.
“Yeah, I’m returning your call. How are you doing?”
She didn’t say anything, but I heard her breathing, hot and furious. My stomach sank.
“You’re asking,” she said, “how I am doing? After what you did to me?”
“What did I do?”
She laughed harshly. “We both know what you did.”
“I don’t.”
“No, actually, maybe you don’t. So let me tell you what you did. You put my whole career at risk. They can track how my card was used, did you know that?”
A sour taste filled my mouth. “I didn’t,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t cut it, you asshole.” The speaker crackled under her voice. “I thought you were a good guy. I thought you wanted to keep me safe.”
“I did,” I yelled. The private nearby glanced at me, and I moved away. “I do. Tell me what they’re looking for?”
“Oh, don’t worry, all the blame is on me. I couldn’t tell them about you. You truly fucked me when you came over last night.”
“I’m sorry.” I felt beyond useless.
“I want to know why you did…the things you did,” she said. “That’s the only reason I called.”
“I can explain. Just not over the phone.”
“Oh, of course. Of course. We don’t want any of this getting back to you right?”
I couldn’t say a word. What right did I have?
“Fine,” she said. “There’s a coffee place near work. Meet me there at seven. I’ll decide whether to feed us both to the dogs or not.”
“I’ll be there.”
She cut off.
I stared at the silent phone, and breathed in the cool evening air. No amount of it helped. I had fucked over this woman that I cared for. She was the only thing I truly knew I cared about in this moment. I saw it plainly now.
All it had taken was tragedy to collapse the lies I’d been telling myself. Now she could crumble the last one. She could tell Montego everything and take the army from me, too. Right when I needed it the most.
It was nothing less than I deserved - to be sent adrift away from those who had trusted me without hesitation.
I would be fine with that. If it would help her, there was no price I wouldn’t pay.
I would do whatever it took to keep her safe.
CHAPTER NINE
Rosa
I took the furthest table in the outside patio. The parasol from the table nearby cast a soft shadow on me as the sun began to set.
I sat tapping my feet and wishing I hadn’t actually ordered coffee. I didn’t need to be any more amped up to voice what I had in my head. I hadn’t chosen this spot to keep things quiet. I just wanted space to give Calix the tongue lashing he deserved.
No man had ever done anything this bad to me. I’d ended my last relationship when the boxer threw a bottle of Everclear at the wall that exploded in flames. He’d been jealous and petty but at least the bottle hadn’t been aimed at me.
Back in Miami, one of my middle school boyfriends had slapped me across the face. Even then, I knew not to let that slide.
But getting me in trouble with the law? Putting my job at risk? It was beyond anything I knew how to deal with.
I had stewed with it all of last night, fighting the hurricane building in me after Rhonda’s meeting. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe it wasn’t Calix that had used the card. Maybe I just need a calm discussion to see if there was some mistake.
But of course there couldn’t be. He had left the hospital before me, which meant he took the card then, and he’d returned it at my house. At best, he didn’t use the card himself. At worst, he had planned it all out.
I had cried in bed just thinking about it. He had violated every memory I had of him. The security of that hug, that earnest intensity of our sex on the couch. It might have all been to keep me off his trail.
I emerged this morning in a rage. Even Elsa knew better than to ask. Lilly understood everything the moment I stormed in to work.
“He went bad that quickly?” she asked.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I’d said, stabbing at the main computer keyboard.
“This guy that you’re dating, duh. What did he do?”
“Dating?!” I spun on her, barking with laughter. “It was one night. One night and look what it cost me.”
“What did it cost?” She rubbed my back.
I almost told her. I was too furious to even think of a lie, but she left me be.
I got all the work done that I could before deciding that I needed to deal with this tonight. I got my script prepared.
Mostly, I wanted to know just what exactly he had chosen over me.
Still, a child-size little shard of me hoped this was just some misunderstanding. That it was all some mistake that could be fixed.
That he really did care for me.
That part of me shrank after every blown relationship. This might be the death of it.
I sipped and waited and wrung my fingers between the gaps in the mesh metal top of the table.
When I finally caugh
t sight of him, limping down the sidewalk, the rage in me vanished. His chiseled cheek and jaw clenched with each step. His thick chest heaved in short strokes. It looked like he was off pain meds.
He wanted me to see him suffer and it was working.
God damn it.
He spotted me and ducked his eyes as he hobbled over.
Was he really that good an actor or did he genuinely feel bad?
“Rosa,” he said, blocking me from the sun. “Can I sit?”
“If you’re not getting anything to drink. This place is good.”
This place is good? What was this, a date?
“I’m ok,” he said.
“Fine then.”
He dropped onto the chair. He tried to keep his eyes open, but it couldn’t hide the long gulps of air he took or the relief washing over him.
“Are you really ok?” I asked.
“Yeah, fine.”
“Why are you not taking the Valium?”
“I didn’t want them while talking to you.”
I remembered some of my fire. “So that you would tell me truth? Or so you wouldn’t reveal too much?”
“I came to tell you everything. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you out of trouble.”
I sulked and sat back. “It’s a little too late for that.”
He spread his arms on the table. “Rosa, I never intended to harm you. If I had any idea you could get in trouble, I would have never touched your card. What I did was stupid, and probably not even necessary.”
“So I’m being grilled at work over nothing? Ha, that makes me feel so much better.”
“I don’t understand why they think you did anything. There are lots of people who must go in that room.”
He looked off thoughtfully. That infuriated me more than anything he’d said.
“We’re not here to see why they’re after me. You admitted that you used my card. They were right to accuse me. The fault is on you, not them.”
The table shook under my grip. Calix’s eyes flared. He nodded.
“You’re right. I’m not trying to deny my part, just understand the sequence of events.”
“You tell me what happened.”
“It was a last minute idea. I thought they might still have the remains from surgery. I just got lucky when I stumbled into that room. I took the fragments and left.”
I stilled my breath. “And how did you even get my card.”
His shoulders went tense. His fingers tapped the table slowly.
“So it was the hug,” I said.
“I didn’t plan it or anything. You moved higher on me and my hand just landed on your card.”
“And you thought, ‘Oh, perfect. Finally some use for this woman.’”
“No,” Calix growled. I jerked back at the intensity of it.
“Don’t yell at me.”
“I’m not yelling. I…” He rubbed a hand hard up and down his face. “I just didn’t think there was any harm in it. What you do to me. What you did to me. It’s very real. It’s too real.”
He looked at me over his hand, bleary-eyed. I didn’t understand what he meant, but I could feel the raw regret behind it. Regret and something more.
“Are you lying?” I asked.
“I don’t lie very well.”
Did liars say stuff like that? Probably, but not in that exhausted tone. I wondered suddenly if it was the wound wearing him down or all that surrounded it.
“So you didn’t lie to me,” I said. “You told me the truth about how you were shot.”
He winced as if I’d kicked his wound. “That was a different lie,” he said. “It was necessary.”
“Necessary for what?”
He took a moment before answering. “Necessary to protect my family.”
“You have a family?!”
I’d never even asked him. Great, now I got to be a home wrecker, too.
“Just me and my father. I have a brother, too.”
“Oh, ok.” I nearly dissolved with relief, then immediately felt angry at how much better I felt.
“So that’s why,” he said.
“That’s why what? That’s why you had to use me? No, that doesn’t explain a thing. What are you protecting them from?”
He sighed. “Their idiocy.”
“That’s…not an answer.”
“Rosa, you don’t need to know.”
I grabbed my coffee and shot up. “If you’re not going to answer any questions, I’m going to-”
“Rosa, please.” Calix reached out for me, but I jerked away. He folded into the table. “Fine, just tell me what you want to know.”
“Are you a criminal or are you not?”
He stared off at the sky. His face had a serene look to it, as if he were reading an answer from somewhere beyond. Or maybe somewhere within.
I sat back down.
“This wound came from criminal activity,” he said. “My family is involved in a criminal organization. I was part of it until I joined the military. I got dragged back when I came home.”
He turned to me fiercely. “But I’m not going to let it happen again. We don’t agree on many things anymore. Plus, I have too much to lose.”
He waited, calm once more. Did he want forgiveness? All I could say was, “I see.”
“So you tell me,” he said. “Am I a criminal or not?”
“Well, you won’t tell me the details of what you did.”
“It’s drug related. They never dealt with drugs before. That’s why I’m done with them.”
“Yeah, well, I guess in that case, you were a criminal. What exactly else are you hoping to hear?
“That.” He smiled for no good reason. “That’s exactly what I told them before I walked out.”
“So what does that make you now?”
He shrugged. “What I am. A soldier.”
“So you stole that bullet to stay a soldier too,” I said. “Not just to protect your family.”
He shook his head heavily. “I don’t know why I did it. I got shot. That’s really all that happened. There’s no crime in being shot. I wasn’t at risk. I just didn’t want to take the chance it would blowback on anyone. I just took the opportunity to cover it up when I could.”
His eyes softened. “I didn’t think the blowback would end up falling on you.”
We were spinning in circles. I felt tired.
I also believed him. Either he was being real or he was a complete psychopath. We dealt with those once in a while at work. He didn’t fit the profile.
Which meant he must be being real about how he felt too…
No. I wasn’t going there.
“Why didn’t you just leave the card when you were done then?” I said.
“What?”
“My card. You could have just dropped it at the nurse’s station. That’s where I said I found it.”
“Oh yeah? That’s good. It makes a lot of sense.”
“No, it doesn’t. I’m just not a great liar.”
He gave me a dashing smile. “We’re not entirely different then.”
“You didn’t answer me.”
“I kept the card because I forgot. It’s as simple as that. I might have just been eager to get out. The whole thing wasn’t really planned.”
He hadn’t planned a damn thing apparently. He was just a leaf in the wind. But this leaf had done one last thing.
I had to know. I took a shuddering breath and asked.
“What about coming to my house? Was that planned? Did you plan to sleep with me?”
A couple walked out of the cafe behind him, laughing and nudging each other. The smell of butter and strawberries blew out sickly sweet over us.
I remembered something he’d been saying that night:
Do meds change who you are?
“Was it the pills?” I said. “Is that what made you want to see me?”
He shook his head. “I thought they were. They might have been why I was so bold. But they weren’t the reason.”
My hands were quivering now. “No? Then what? Did you want to make me look like an idiot? Did you want to cover your tracks? Did you want to force my silence?”
“Rosa…” He spoke with such a soft voice.
“What?”
I blinked back tears. This was nowhere near the plan. I was supposed to be the one in charge, not crying like some jilted school girl. But this was the one thing that didn’t fit. If the whole thing was not planned, then what reason did he have to do that with me?
“I came to return the card cause I didn’t know how else to see you again,” he said.
“What?”
“I thought it was the pills. Even yesterday, I tried to convince myself that was it. But it’s not. They just set me free to want what I wanted. And I wanted you.”
They were the words I’d been aching to hear all along.
“So just say that, idiot.” I sniffled. “Why did you have to go through all this?”
He smiled. “It’s like you said. I’m an idiot.”
The sky had turned red. The sun was golden now and it lit him up like a bronze statue. All the edges of his gorgeous face stood out, sharp against the sun. I would melt if I kept looking at it.
I shot up and said, “I need to go.”
I started walking before anything could stop me.
“Rosa.” His chair went shuffling somewhere behind me.
“It’s fine,” I yelled back. “I won’t tell anyone your secret. I can take care of myself.”
I reached the street and hailed a cab. Calix limped up next to me. I winced at the look on his face and realized that he couldn’t chase me at all.
“I’m sorry, Rosa,” he said. “Don’t leave like this.”
A cab was pulling up to me already. It was practically an Atlanta miracle. I glanced up at the heaving soldier at my side. A bead of sweat ran the length of his jaw and dripped off the hard end of it.
“Fine,” I said. “How do you want me to leave?”
He placed an arm around my neck. “Don’t.”
I took his hand meaning to throw it off, but he squeezed my fingers. I felt all that strength, just barely restrained.
Had he been lying to me about what happened to him? Yes. But he hadn’t been lying about how he felt about what happened to me.
He hadn’t been lying on how he felt about me.