by Paige Notaro
Wasn’t that really what I came here to find?
“I have to leave,” I said. “The cab is right here.”
“It can fit more than one.”
He gripped my shoulders and turned me to him.
“I can’t fix what happened,” he said. “But let me make it up to you.”
Oh god, Rosa. My foundations were crumbling under his touch, under his ice water gaze.
“Fine,” I said, breathing out my last puff of resistance.
He brushed a dark hair out of my face and leaned in.
His kiss tasted like salt and sweat. It hadn’t come easy, but it tasted all the sweeter for it. We took our time on the curb, tasting each other’s lips as if they were a measure of our words to each other. He hugged me to him, his fingers tracing my face like he was blind until now.
The taxi driver honked. Calix smacked the window. I laughed and opened the rear door before the guy could drive away.
I gave him the address and helped Calix in. We held each other and nuzzled quietly in the backseat all the way home.
The house was empty, but I knew it wouldn’t stay that way. Not for as long as I needed him to prove himself to me. I led him up to my room. The bed was a frilly mess and I had clothes and shoes scattered everywhere, but he carried me in.
He kissed his way down my body, peeling it off layer by layer. I did the same to him. We took all the time in the world, savoring every inch of each other’s skin, breaking to return for a brush of the lips. It was the sweetest start I’d ever had to an evening.
But it was just the opening. I spread my legs for him, and he rumbled to life like a train and sped down into me. All his pain seemed to vanish as he bent my legs up and rammed into me over and over. His wide arms ran under me and cuddled me into him, even as he split me in half. His full strength bore into me, pushing me tighter into his grip.
His lips fell on my face. There was nowhere to escape to. Nowhere that he had not already secured.
I sang out, feeling like a bird cozy in its nest high above.
Finally we came crashing down together. We lay on our sides and I kissed him through the sweat and tears, and he kissed back. Soon his mouth landed on my breasts and, then, I was sighing and he was hard and in me again. He wrapped around my chest like a safety belt and bent into me from the side. I chewed his fingers and his hand and came until I was hoarse.
We weren’t done. Far from it.
He set upon his apology it with a soldier’s dedication.
I believed every inch.
CHAPTER TEN
Calix
I came awake aware of exactly where I was. For the first time in days, I felt no confusion, just calm comfort.
Rosa’s room glowed white through the open blinds. Across from me, the mirror atop the dresser reflected my image.
We hadn’t slept more than five hours, but I looked bright and rested.
Past my own reflection was a larger swell under the blanket. It didn’t move in the mirror, but I could hear the swish of her breath.
I turned and looked at Rosa. I had never let myself admire her before, not with just my eyes. She was facing the other way. Her round shoulders lay completely bare. In the morning, her skin was the color of bark from a young tree. The brown lay soft and shimmering.
I traced a finger along her curves. She rustled, but didn’t wake up, just as I had hoped. If she rose, I wouldn’t be able to hold myself away.
I lifted the blankets and peered in at her plump little butt. Just the sight of that thick heart shape had me hard. My attention had fallen there all of last night. First my bite, then my fingers and finally all of my hardness as I entered her. It had been a miraculous sight, seeing my light flesh penetrate her to the brim.
I might just be a butt-man. I had never considered the possibility. Maybe I just had never been confronted with a piece of art that demanded it.
I smiled in the morning calm. That was something new to hold onto. I had no idea what defined me anymore other than this girl.
I eased out of bed and stood at her window. If their neighbors saw me it was fine. Let the world see me for what I was, imperfections and all.
The sky was actually covered in rolling clouds. They might darken to a storm or they might just pass and let the sun through. I had dreamed of days like this during scorching afternoons on patrol. Days where you didn’t have to cover up to survive.
I had done a lot of things over there that I never expected. I had taken orders from men of all colors, and commanded men of all stripes, too. I had seen good soldiers fragmented by IEDs and shed tears over their broken bodies. Blood red was the only color I did not allow myself to abide.
The whole time, I had promised to stay true to my larger mission: Do well, rise up and come home to serve the cause.
I had promised myself even as I found myself changing into something else. I found pleasure in keeping women the color of clay safe from violence. I had held little Afghan boys and girls and smiled as they ate for the first time in days. I had watched with stern pride as young Afghan men learned to take up arms to defend their families.
All this I had justified. I had been in their land, helping them create a place for their people. It might just teach me the skills to help me create one for my own race.
But it was all a lie I told myself to hide the changes that were already dawning on me. It took a gunshot and gorgeous woman to make me confront them.
I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I was falling for Rosa. It wasn’t just her beauty, but the way she carried herself. She had a fire in her, too. With my own flame so low, I was like a moth dancing by her light.
I had no idea what I was going to do. I simply knew that I wanted her, and I wanted to be the soldier I already was. That’s who she fell for anyway.
Then again, she still didn’t know the last secret of who I was, of who I had been. The one that defined me. The one that sustained my father and me all these years.
I thought briefly on my brother, but shook my head. No, Vaughn had not found a middle path. I would have to. I was not going to abandon my father.
Or my mother’s memory.
The cause would live on without me. If they could stay non-violent and bide their time, they could get their nation. I could continue to help slowly. They were in no rush.
I didn’t have to live in the world I built. It might not even come in my time.
My phone started to buzz.
I ruffled through my jeans searching for it. Rosa murmured behind me.
I found it and saw the number. It was Homer.
“What?” I whispered, easing out into the hallway. I went into the bathroom nearby and shut the door.
“Hey, brother,” he said in a breathless voice. “We need you.”
“For what?”
“We got something going real south here. We sent two of our guys to pinch a load from the wetbacks. Payback, you know. They got it, but now I can’t reach them. I need every man to help me look.”
“Who did you send?”
“Flint and Harper.”
“I don’t recognize them.”
“They’re shiny new prospects. I thought this would be a nice fire to test them in.”
“New? You got them for the distribution extension.”
He paused. “Listen, I know you’re not on board with that, but I’m the president for a reason. Now, I’m asking for you to do your part.”
“I am doing my part, Homer. I just have no desire to get involved with this new business you’ve entered.”
“This is the direction the Soldiers are going ,” he growled. “You riding with us or not?”
“I’m not,” I said simply. “I don’t think we’ve been riding together for some time now. I helped you as a favor to my father only.”
“You signed up for life, brother,” he growled. “Does that mean nothing to you?”
“I signed up for the cause. If you’re going down a different road, then I can’t follow.�
�
There were so many reasons now.
“So you’re refusing me.”
“Yes. If you want to talk again, go through my father.”
“Piece of shit. You-“
I hung up without hesitation.
The bathroom had a skylight. I smiled up at the heavens. That had been coming for weeks. It was an easy decision. Maybe the Soldiers would return to their roots one day. I doubted it.
My father would be a more difficult situation. But it wasn’t one I needed to face at this moment.
I tiptoed back into the room. Her dark eyes were open and waiting for me.
“Hey,” I said, moving into her with a kiss.
She wrapped her arms around me and held our mouths together until we broke through the morning breath and tasted each other.
I came to rise fast below. I peeled off my boxers and eased back under. Her hot core beckoned my erection, but as I grabbed her hips to enter she peeled away.
“Who was that?” she asked.
“Someone I didn’t want to talk to. I told him not to call anymore.”
She beamed, but still held me away from her. “You went out to talk?”
“I did.”
“Oh god.” She clapped her hands and turned to me. “Did my mother or sister see you?”
I frowned. “I didn’t hear anyone.”
She shut my mouth and pointed down at the comforter. I listened. The faint rumble of voices came from below.
Oh, shit.
This was different. I had just begun to understand Rosa and myself. Adding her family to the mix would be almost as bad as adding my father to the mix.
It didn’t seem like it could be avoided, though. Not forever.
“They can hear us?” I said.
Rosa shook her head. “Not if we’re quiet.”
I ran a hand across her hip, feeling the warm, rich handles. I gave her a long kiss and tugged in deep over her.
“What if we’re not?” I whispered in her ear.
She sighed like a goddess. “Oh, I guess that’s not such a big deal.”
“We’ll find out soon enough.”
I turned her around, held her to me, and set to work on us.
2
Little Dark Secret
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Rosa
For the tenth time in an hour, I checked the clock to see if my shift was over. Lilly spotted me this time.
“Come on,” she said. She sieved a hand through her blond hair and went back to her workstation screen. “It’s not that bad today.”
“That’s the problem.” I sighed out at the waiting area. “There’s nothing to pass the time.”
We were momentarily both occupying the emergency room nurse’s station. Technically, we were supposed to equally split our time in front of the desk and out examining the patients, but Lilly and I worked better as a team. She blazed through the tech stuff, and I got to be touchy feely.
But the angels must be singing, cause the ER was basically a ghost town at the moment. A reedy addict fluttered through the pages of a Highlights magazine. A teenage couple fought as they filled out the intake form - I heard the girl hiss something about ‘shouldn’t have put it up there to begin with.’
That was it. I considered talking to the addict, but he looked ready to fly. You couldn’t reach people lost that deep unless they were ready.
I hated the still, though. It meant there was nothing to keep me from thinking about the fact that my job here hung on a shoestring.
Or how it was kind of messed up that the best thing to calm me was thinking about the man who had put me in this mess. Just the idea of his hard, magnificent face had me drifting off into fantasy.
“Got a hot date?” Lilly asked, spotting my spaced out look.
“It’s not really dating anymore,” I said. “We’ve been going out for two weeks. But yes, it’s gonna be hot.”
“So you guys had the boyfriend-girlfriend talk?”
I snorted. “Lilly, you know me better than that.”
“I do. You guys are still dating.”
“Well, I’ll take dating over mating.”
I regretted the words almost immediately. She and her guy had been trying to have a baby for almost a month.
But Lilly just shot me a clinical look. “I know you want a family someday. Don’t tell me you don’t have that aching to create something real.”
“I’ve got enough family already.”
But she wasn’t so far off. Half the reason I fell so hard for Calix was because he cared so deep about family. He understood when I talked about being a good model for my sister. He got why I lived at home to help out Mamá. None of the guys I’d ever dated were anywhere near that thoughtful.
As for making our own family someday - just the thought had me shivering. I remembered the soft, searing climax from my last date. Whoever said missionary was boring had never experienced it coiled in between two hundred and fifty pounds of solid muscle, thrusting you hard against the bedpost even as he came in you.
His voice had been like a storm cloud rumbling warm and far above. Spread those legs wide, baby. I want to fill you up.
Oh, god, I can feel you. I can feel you come. My voice had fractured as a clap of pleasure broke me in half.
Say it again.
Come in me, Calix.
It had been an accident that time. But the idea of doing it on purpose, of doing it with purpose…
I flushed just thinking about it. No, there was nothing more than sex coming anytime soon, but something about me couldn’t set the idea aside. Everything about this guy was unique. Right from how we had met - here in this very Emergency Room.
Yeah, he was one hell of a distraction from my troubles here, alright. I could barely wait to see him again tonight.
The hospital door whirred open far down the hallway. I squinted out, but the evening sun was still too bright to see more than a silhouette.
It was a pretty big silhouette though.
My heart started pounding. What was he doing here?
He came down the hall steady and his face lightened out of the shadows. His cliff walls of cheeks. The wide heft of his jaw. The sparse smile on his face, and those achingly blue eyes - fixed firmly on me.
He entered the waiting area, tipped his head at me, then sat down in an empty aisle.
“What are you doing, Calix?” I said, leaning over the sill of the nurse’s station. Even under the tan army shirt and desert camo pants he had on, his rippling body was still a thing of wonder.
“I came to pick you up.” He grabbed a hunting magazine from the table. “I didn’t mean to disturb you. Finish your shift.”
Lily sprung up to take a look. “So that’s who’s been taking care of my friend.”
Calix gave her a curt nod. It was enough to make her cheeks go red.
“Simmer down,” I said. “You’re acting like it’s the first time you’ve seen him.”
“It is, practically. I wasn’t ever his attending nurse. You made pretty sure to keep everyone else away.”
“Still, you saw him come in.”
“I don’t spend my time drooling over every gunshot victim. I’ve got an intact guy waiting for me at home.”
“Tell that to the dopey grin on your face.”
“That’s just…reflex.” She buried herself intently under whatever was on-screen.
I had almost nothing to do though, and I couldn’t help but keep chancing looks at Calix over the counter. Sometimes, I caught him looking back and our matching gazes sparked heat deep within me. Maybe he felt it, too, but didn’t give me more than a twitch of the lips.
I guess he knew how little it would take to have me throwing myself at him. But I knew how nuts that would look here.
Then, I remembered that having him around at all was far more nuts. The hospital was basically his crime scene. The case against me wasn’t dead. Other people here might notice him.
I checked the time. Fifteen minutes.
I thought about asking him to wait outside, but when I looked over, he was hunched in conversation with the wispy addict. His voice was too deep to hear, but the addict nodded nearly nonstop at what he was saying.
They talked for five minutes like this. I couldn’t watch the whole thing, but I sure noticed when the guy clattered out of his chair. He shot Calix a flimsy salute and left the room.
I went out, watching him disappear into the sunlight.
“What the heck did you say?” I asked Calix.
He shrugged his massive frame. “I asked him about his injury. When it became clear he had none, I shared stories about other soldiers I knew with addiction to pills.”
“That was enough?” I perched on his chair’s armrest.
“No. I told him about myself.”
“Yourself?” I looked over his huge unemaciated body. “You’re no addict. You wouldn’t even take the pain meds we gave you.”
“I took a couple.”
“Literally a couple.” I nudged his shoulder. “Did you lie to that man?”
He gave me a soft smile, but his eyes sparkled. “Just a little white lie,” he said quietly. “I’m learning slowly. I imagine we both are.”
“Hopefully not too well,” I said. “I don’t want us hiding things from each other.”
If I hadn’t been so intent on his body, I would have missed it, but his smile tripped, just for an instant. My own mood threatened to disappear under the clouds.
No, I could trust him. I wasn’t going to worry. His family were criminals. Of course, he had secrets. I knew he took care of his father at times. As long as he stayed out of their business, it was ok with me. It wasn’t like I needed him to know everything about my past.
Secrets couldn’t become lies if no one went looking for them.
“Whatever you said worked, at least,” I said. “He seemed pretty serious when he left.”
“It’s likely you’ll see him again. But perhaps this is the last push he needed. Some change must accumulate before it has effect.”
“Well, if the lie keeps him from getting hurt even for a day, it’s worth it,” I said.
Calix nodded. “I agree completely.”
He yanked me onto his lap, and I yelped. His earth and pine aroma clouded me.