I look and look around the room and I’m wondering who it is they’ve lost cos everyone’s sitting at their proper places at the tables and the only empty chairs are the grown-up chairs and then the answer shoots into my head and I run over to Stella and tug her sleeve but Stella just tells me to go and sit back at my table so I say, ‘I know where she is,’ but Stella tells me to go and sit down again so I run to the house corner and open the door and she’s still there squeezed right under the table cept now she’s lying down on the cushion that’s apposed to be on the play bed and she’s got the blanket that I tucked baby in and it’s covering her all up, cept her face, and she’s sucking her thumb and she’s got her eyes closed and I think she might actually be asleep which is very strange cos preschool’s not a sleeping place, it’s a playing place. I reach out a hand to touch her shoulder and wake her up and tell her she’s missing snack-time when I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn and Kali’s there with her finger on her lips and she doesn’t say anything but shows me with her hands that she wants me to come out so I do and then she says, ‘We’ll leave Paige to sleep, she must be very tired,’ and her voice is quiet as quiet so she doesn’t wake Paige up.
I say, ‘Why is she so tired?’
Kali says, ‘Well, she’s had a very busy time moving house and starting at a new preschool and making new friends and it’s all a bit scary.’
I say, ‘Does scary make you tired?’
Kali smiles and says, ‘Yes, sometimes.’ Then she says, ‘We’ll leave her to rest for now. You go and get your snack,’ and I skip back to my snack table and I’m smiling and smiling cos now I know the girl under the table is called Paige and that means when she wakes up I can ask her to be my friend.
Everyone’s saying well done for finding Paige and I sit down at my snack table and even sitting down I feel all floaty like I’m a butterfly or a sparkly fairy or … or …
Stella says, ‘What’s that on your forehead, Jesika?’ and she pushes my hair out of my face and she presses her thumb on my forehead.
OW!
Stella says all smiley and squeaky-happy, ‘Goodness, that’s quite a bump there. How did you get that?’
I press the sore bit with my own fingers, not as hard as Stella, and I think and think and I don’t remember bumping my head at preschool and I say, ‘I’ve forgotted,’ and she says, ‘Did you do it this morning, before preschool?’ And I think about all the rushing about we did afore preschool but I didn’t fall over and bump myself then so I say, ‘I don’t know,’ and Stella says, ‘Maybe you bumped it in your house?’ And that remembers me that my house is called lots of different names and I say, ‘Do you know you can call my house a flat and a dump?’
Stella frowns and says, ‘I don’t think you call your house a dump, Jesika. A dump is a dirty, smelly place where you put rubbish.’
I say, ‘Mummy says our house is dirty and smelly and it’s noisy too and everything always keeps being broken but not toys or the telly cos they always work.’ And I’m thinking about the telly and I touch the sore bit on my head again and then the answer shoots into my brain and I say, ‘I hitted my head on the telly!’
Stella says, ‘Oh? How did you do that?’
I think I better not tell Stella about my secret pictures on the wall cos you get in trouble for drawing on the walls at preschool and Stella might not know that in my house my pictures are hided away under the peeling paper so no one can see them so I just tell her about Mummy getting cross and pulling me hard and hard so the telly hitted me and made a bump on my head. I think Stella will be pleased that I remembered how the bump happened but Stella doesn’t look pleased. She just says, ‘Hmmm,’ and then she helps Amber to fill her cup up with more milk and she doesn’t talk to me again for the whole of snack-time. Then at the very end of snack-time, when it’s time to go and play again, she says, ‘Jesika, stay there a second, will you?’ All the other children go off and play and I sit at the snack table and wait and then Stella and Lauren are sitting at the snack table too.
Stella says, ‘Tell me all about how you hit your head on the telly again,’ and I laugh and say, ‘I didn’t hit the telly. The telly hitted me!’ and Lauren smiles and then hides her smile ahind her hand and Stella says, ‘OK, well, tell me how the telly hit you.’ And I say, ‘I told you already,’ and Stella says, ‘I know, but Lauren wants to listen this time.’ And I tell Stella and Lauren how Mummy pulled me hard and hard and the telly hitted me and made a bump and I don’t think Lauren does want to listen cos she’s not looking at me, she’s just writing on a piece of paper.
Stella says, ‘Has your Mummy ever hurt you before when she’s been cross, Jesika?’ I think about another time Mummy hurted me and I can only think of one time and I say, ‘The other day, she trapped my fingers in the bedroom door but she wasn’t cross that day.’
Stella says, ‘Why did she trap your fingers?’
I say, ‘Cos she shutted the door and my fingers were in the way.’
Stella says, ‘Hmmm,’ and then she says, ‘Your chin looks sore too. Do you remember hurting it?’ and I think Stella is very silly not to remember the zip cos she was there so I giggle and say, ‘That was afore with you!’
Stella frowns and Lauren says, ‘Stella hurt your chin?’
I say, ‘No, Mummy did it cos she zipped my red top up fast and fast and she forgotted to say, “Chin up,” and it bit my chin and it really hurt and I cried and Stella took me away.’
Lauren looks up and puts her pen down and Stella does zapping eyes at her and Lauren says, ‘Stella, I don’t think we need to …’ and Stella says, ‘We write everything down. If it turns out to be nothing, all we’ve wasted is a bit of time and paper but I’m not going to sit back and be responsible for another Baby P.’
Lauren picks up her pen again and I say, ‘What’s a baby pea?’ but Stella says, ‘Off you go and play now, Jesika,’ so I don’t think she listened and when I try to ask her again, she’s busy talking to Lauren quiet as quiet and not looking at me so I walk away.
Maybe a baby pea is like a pea afore it’s growed big enough to eat. One time, Ade showed me a green vegetable that was long and bendy like a smile and he said it was what peas growed in. I said he was being silly but then he pressed his thumbs into the middle and it ripped open and there were four huge peas inside, two for me and two for Toby. They were yummy and Ade said they’re really easy to grow but Mummy said we can’t grow things til we have a garden and we can’t have a garden til she wins the Lottery and that won’t happen til a pig flies past our window and that’ll only happen if a witch or a wizard comes along and puts a spell on one.
Tamanna dances past me and she’s about to start a music train and I love the music train cos you choose an instrument and then stand ahind Tamanna in a long train and then you have to follow Tamanna where she goes in and out and round and round and you have to sing and play at the same time and we always end up getting tangled up giggling somewhere in the end, usually on the floor!
I run after Tamanna and get to her instrument basket first and I pick out two shakers and Tamanna says, ‘You’ve got one for each hand – one and one makes two,’ and then there’s lots of children picking out instruments and Tamanna says, ‘What colour is our train today?’
I shout, ‘GREEN! GREEN! GREEN!’ and I’m the loudest shouting and Tamanna laughs and says, ‘Green it is,’ and then Stella walks past and says, ‘Shouldn’t it be red, seeing as it’s Red day today?’ And Amber shouts, ‘Yeah! RED! RED! RED!’ And then everyone’s shouting, ‘RED! RED! RED!’ cept me cos I don’t want it to be red, I want it to be green and I make my face cross and frowny and then Tamanna says, ‘We’ll do red next time,’ and she actually winks at me and starts singing, ‘Chuff-chuff-chuff goes the little green train,’ and I smile my biggest smile and shake my shakers extra loud and sing all the words as shouty as I can and we all follow Tamanna all around the room singing and shaking and then, cos it’s not raining, Tamanna takes the train right outside to
outdoor play but the wind is bitey so she makes the singing go very fast and that means the train has to go faster and we all dash and dash back inside and we have a squash and a squeeze in the door and the whole train collapses on the floor and everyone’s giggling and I knew we’d end up on the floor!
Tamanna says, ‘Now we’ll do a red train,’ and I don’t mind cos we’ve done my fayvrit green train and I join on the back of the train ready to sing and then I see Paige and she’s waked up now and she’s watching the train and she’s holding Kali’s hand and Kali says, ‘Do you want to join the train, Paige?’ and Paige shakes her head and hides her face ahind Kali’s arm. I think maybe it’s cos everyone’s got shakers and the instrument basket is empty so there’s no shakers for Paige and you can’t join the train if you don’t have a shaker.
I look at my two shakers, one for each hand, and I have a clever think cos I remember that I’m going to be friends with Paige and friends are kind and helpful and I run over to Paige and say, ‘You can have one of my shakers, Paige,’ cos my hands don’t actually both need a shaker and they don’t mind sharing just one. I hold the other one out to Paige and she takes it but she’s not smiling and she’s still holding Kali’s hand so maybe she doesn’t want the shaker, or maybe she doesn’t want to be friends, cos sometimes when you ask someone to be friends, they say, ‘I don’t want to be your friend.’ Amber and Lucia always say that to me. Sometimes they tell the other children to say it too and they all run away and only Big Toby plays with me.
Kali says, ‘That’s very kind and helpful, Jesika,’ and right then Tamanna’s train comes past us and Kali says, ‘Paige, why don’t you go with Jesika and she can show you what to do?’ But Paige shakes her head again and Tamanna’s train is going past and past and I shake my shaker to show Paige and she shakes hers so it makes a tiny mouse sound and she even smiles a tiny mouse smile but then she’s hiding ahind Kali’s arm again and I’m about to miss the train and I run to catch up the back of the train and I don’t miss it and I’m shaking and singing and running in and out all the places Tamanna takes us on the train.
We go past Paige and Kali two times and Paige is shaking her shaker more and more and her smile is getting bigger and bigger, so the next time we go past I shout, ‘STATION!’ which means the train has to stop to let passengers on and Tamanna stops the train and shouts, ‘ALL ABOARD!’ and I hold out my hand to Paige and say, ‘Come on, Paige, it’s very fun!’ and Paige actually lets go of Kali’s hand and she holds my hand and then Tamanna’s train goes again and this time we’re a blue train and everyone’s singing, ‘Chuff-chuff-chuff goes the little blue train …’ and I think maybe Paige wants to be my friend after all.
4
IT’S STICKER TIME and that means it’s almost home-time and Kali gives Paige a smiley sunshine sticker and she says, ‘This is for being brave and joining in on your very first day.’ And Paige is smiling and smiling and I’m smiling and smiling too and then Kali says my name and I look and she’s waving me to come up. I’m getting a sticker too!
I stand up and Stella scrunches up her face and bends her head right next to Kali’s ear like she’s telling a secret and she says, ‘For biting?’ and her voice is bitey just like what she’s saying and I think, Kali’s not giving me a sticker, she’s going to tell all the other boys and girls about the naughty thing I did to Stella and everyone will be cross at me. I want to sit down again but I can’t make my legs move and my belly feels funny, like it’s all filled up with freezing water.
Then Kali holds out her hand and says, ‘Come on, Jesika, you’ve got a sticker too,’ and she’s smiling and smiling and now my legs are moving again and she holds my hand and presses a sticker on my zippy top and says, ‘This is for being helpful to Paige on her first day without her Mummy. You made her feel welcome and you cheered her up when she was feeling scared. You have been a very kind and thoughtful friend today.’ And everyone is smiling right at me and clapping their hands, cept Stella cos she’s turned away to tidy up the jigsaw table.
Everyone else keeps clapping and clapping til I’m sat down next to Paige and Paige pushes her hand through my arm and holds on tight and now my belly’s all filled up with warm and it’s filling up all of me and it feels nice and it feels like the Best Day Ever.
Kali opens the door and all the grown-ups come in.
Where’s Mummy?
My heart’s thumping hard and hard.
There’s so many legs in my way, and I look all the way up the legs to the faces high, high up but none of them is Mummy, and then some of the legs move apart and there, in the middle, is Mummy’s face bending down and her arms are stretched out and she’s smiling and smiling and I jump up and my feet fly.
‘MUMMY!’
And we’re hugging and squeezing and my face is squashed right into Mummy’s belly and I say, ‘You came back,’ right into Mummy’s belly and she squeezes me tight and tight.
We go into the peg room and it’s busy and squashy and it’s hard to move cos there’s so many tall legs like trees, but they’re moving trees not standing still trees and they’re all moving and squashing and squeezing and pushing me one way and then another. When we get to my peg, I say to Mummy, ‘I got a sticker!’ and I bend my chin down far and far so I can see the sparkly star and show it to Mummy and Mummy says, ‘Brilliant! What did you get that for?’ But I don’t get to tell her cos Stella says, ‘Tina, may I have a quick word?’ And Mummy looks at me quick and my face is hot and hot and I know what Stella is going to say and Mummy is going to be so so cross with me and she won’t let me keep my sparkly star.
Mummy says, ‘Put your coat on, Jesika, and wait with Toby. I’ll be right back.’ And she walks over to the playroom door where Stella is and Stella’s face is not a happy face and she’s bending her head down to Mummy’s ear and talking but I can’t hear cos there’s so much busy going-home noise in the peg room but I know she’s saying, ‘Jesika bit me. Jesika bit me. Jesika bit me.’
‘Are you Jesika?’
I look up and it’s a man I don’t know and his hair is brown and his eyes are blue as blue and he’s smiling and smiling and his cheeks look like they’re made of playdough and someone’s stuck a finger in each side of his mouth just where his smile stops, like a hole but not all the way through his skin. I nod and he says, ‘Paige says she’s had a lovely time playing with you today.’
And then I see Paige hiding ahind the man’s back and she peeps out a tiny bit round his arm so I can see one eye and a little bit of her smile and I smile and wave at her and she disappears back ahind the man’s arm again.
I say, ‘Are you Paige’s Daddy?’
He shakes his head and says, ‘No, I’m her Uncle.’
I don’t know what an Uncle is but afore I can ask him he points to where Mummy and Stella are still standing talking and he says, ‘Is that your Mummy over there?’
I nod again. It feels like a big bird is flapping about inside my belly. Mummy’s face is tight and cross.
The man says, ‘I think I know your Mummy,’ and then he says, ‘Can I help you put your coat on?’ and I look at my hands and I’m holding my coat and I say, ‘I can put my coat on all by myself!’ The man laughs and I think it’s cos he doesn’t believe me so I push my arms into my coat and then I have to make the zip go together at the bottom and it’s tricky fiddly but I know I can do it if I really try and I try and I try and – YES! – the zip starts moving up and I pull it up and up and remember to lift my chin out of the way and when it’s right at the top I say, ‘See?’ And the man laughs again and says, ‘Well, you are a grown-up girl, aren’t you?’
There’s a hand on my shoulder and I look up and it’s Mummy and she’s pulling me away from the man and her face is cross probly cos Stella told her about the biting and she says, ‘Time to go, Jesika.’
The man says, ‘Hi, I’m Ryan, Paige’s Uncle. Don’t I know you?’
Mummy shakes her head fast and says, ‘No, no, I don’t think so.’
> Ryan lifts his shoulders up and down and smiles and says, ‘Well, it was Paige’s first day by herself today and your Jesika looked after her,’ and that remembers me that I didn’t tell Mummy why I got the sticker and I say, ‘I got a sticker, Mummy!’ And Mummy’s smiling now and she says, ‘Ah, so it wasn’t all bad,’ and her hand that was on my shoulder is now stroking my hair. I don’t think Mummy would stroke my hair if she’s still cross with me.
I say, ‘Yes, and I didn’t get it for biting Stella.’ Mummy stops stroking and stops smiling and I say, ‘Are you cross with me, Mummy?’
Mummy stops looking cross and she crouches down and holds both my hands and says, ‘I’m not cross with you, Jesika. We’ll talk about it later, OK?’
I don’t get to ask who Mummy is cross with cos then Ryan says, ‘My sister and Paige moved back here last month.’ And then he says something so quiet that I can’t hear it even opening my ears right open but I think it’s something bad cos Mummy’s face goes sad and I say, ‘What is it, Mummy?’ and Mummy strokes my hair again and looks at me with sad eyes and says, ‘I’ll tell you later, poppet,’ and Ryan says, ‘Yeah, so I’ve been helping where I can with childcare so Lorna can get back on her feet and I persuaded her that preschool would be a good idea so Paige can make some new friends,’ and then he smiles right at me and says, ‘And it looks like she’s made one already!’
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