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by Amanda Berriman

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, keep up, please.’ I run and catch up and I say, ‘So, you and Toby are my friends? And is Paige my friend too? Have I got’ – I hold up my fingers – ‘one, two, three friends?’

  Mummy pulls Toby up the last step and she pushes the buggy round to our front door and she says, ‘Well, me and Toby are your family, really.’

  Mummy fights the door open and I say, ‘So we’re not friends?’

  Mummy pushes her shoulder against the door and gives it a big bump and it bangs open and she says, ‘Well, yes, we are. Family means the most special kind of friends. But the friends you mean are the friends that you don’t live with.’

  We all go in and I say, ‘So, Paige is a friend I don’t live with and you and Toby are special friends I do live with?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes,’ and she fights the door shut again and I think about Bab-bab and Daddy cos they’re in our family too but they don’t live with us and I don’t talk or play with them any more and I say, ‘What sort of friends is Bab-bab and Daddy?’

  But Mummy says, ‘Coat and shoes off, Jesika,’ so I don’t think she heard me and she unclips Toby from his buggy and takes off his coat and shoes and he runs over to the box of bricks and tips them all over the floor and me and Mummy say, ‘Oh, Toby!’ at the same time cos Toby’s always doing this.

  Mummy hangs all our drippy coats on the chairs at the big table and then she goes into the bathroom and she comes out and she’s rubbing a towel into her hair and she sits down on the sofa and she’s looking at me and her face is sad and she blows out a breath and it makes her lips wobble and I think her eyes are stingy cos she keeps blinking them fast and fast.

  I say, ‘What’s wrong, Mummy?’

  Mummy shakes her head fast and pulls her phone out of her trouser pocket and then a piece of paper out of her other pocket.

  I say, ‘What’s that, Mummy?’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s the phone number that Ryan, Paige’s Uncle, gave me.’ And she holds the phone in one hand and the piece of paper in the other hand and she’s biting her lip.

  I say, ‘Why are you just holding it?’

  Mummy blows out another breath and her lips aren’t so wobbly this time and she says, ‘I think I’m going to send him a message. He’s right: we do all need friends. You need friends. I’m going to send him a message,’ and she taps her phone lots of times quick and quick with her finger.

  5

  NOISES ARE ACTUALLY waves. Not waves that you can see at the beach, invibisle waves that go from the noise into your ear. That’s what Nina and the New Rons says on CBeebies.

  Mummy shouts, ‘Ten minutes until tea-time!’ from the kitchen and I switch CBeebies off cos Nina’s finished and it’s Grandpa’s Shrinking Cap now and I don’t like that.

  The thump-da-thump-da-thump music is louder when the telly is off. I press my ear to the floor cos that’s where the music is and now the music is loud and the carpet tickles my ear when the music goes thump. I think about why the music is making the carpet tickle my ear and I think music is noise so it must be going to my ear in the invibisle waves and maybe invibisle waves are tickly.

  I skip to the kitchen and I say, ‘Mummy, do you know why the thumpy music makes the carpet tickle my ear?’

  Mummy’s face goes frowny and she says, ‘Jesika, have you been listening through the floor again?’

  I forgotted I’m not allowed to do that.

  Mummy says, ‘That’s someone else’s private house and it’s rude to listen into other people’s houses.’

  It’s funny thinking our floor is also a ceiling. Mummy keeps saying we have to be careful not to bang about on it too much cos it’ll be very noisy below but that’s just silly cos it’s already noisy below.

  Mummy keeps stirring with one hand and the other one is holding Toby against her side and she’s jiggling with the music cos that means Toby won’t cry but he’s still coughing lots.

  I say, ‘What’s for tea? Is it pasta? Pasta’s my fayvrit!’

  Mummy nods her head and jiggles at the same time and her earring swings and jiggles too, but not the other one cos she’s taken it out and put it on the worktop probly cos Toby’s been grabbing it again and she says, ‘Pasta-peppers-carrots, onions-and-peas, mix in the tomatoes, and grate a bit of cheese,’ and it’s like she’s speaking a song to go with the thump-da-thump music.

  I say, ‘Why can’t I?’

  Mummy stops jiggling Toby and he starts crying.

  ‘Why can’t you what?’

  ‘Listen on the floor.’

  Toby cries and cries and Mummy jiggles and stirs and she says, ‘Because you might be listening to things I don’t want you to hear.’

  I say, ‘What things?’

  Mummy says, ‘Just …’ then she huffs out a breath, ‘Do as you’re told, Jesika, please.’ And then she jiggles and stirs but I don’t think she’s doing it proply this time cos Toby won’t stop crying.

  I go and pick up Baby Annabelle and jiggle her about and she keeps crying too so I lay her down and rock her in my arms and she goes to sleep straight away, not like Toby who has to be picked up and rocked and put down and picked up and rocked and put down til Mummy gets tired arms and a tired voice. Sometimes I’m asleep afore Toby and I’m a big girl and he’s only a baby.

  Mummy walks into the living room with two bowls and puts them on the table and Toby is running all wobbly ahind her and he pats his high chair with his hands and says, ‘Up, up!’ and Mummy lifts him into his chair and I climb on my grown-up girl’s chair with the cushion so I can reach the table.

  I look in my bowl and I say, ‘Mummy, you are silly, you forgotted the melty cheese on top!’ I laugh but Mummy doesn’t laugh. She sits next to Toby and wipes her hands down her face and she says, ‘We don’t have any cheese.’

  I say, ‘But you said “grate a bit of cheese”,’ and Mummy puts some pasta on Toby’s spoon and holds it out to him cos he’s learning how to use a spoon but he still needs help and Mummy’s making her what-do-you-mean face and I say, ‘You did! When you did the pasta song, you said “grate a bit of cheese”.’

  Toby pushes Mummy’s hand away that’s holding the spoon and Mummy holds it up to his mouth but he turns his head away and she says, ‘Come on, Toby, just a little bit. You’ll feel much better,’ and I say, ‘You did, Mummy!’ And Mummy says, ‘Yes, I did say that, didn’t I, but then I looked in the fridge and there wasn’t any cheese.’

  I say, ‘Did you forget to buy it from the shops?’

  Mummy shakes her head and tries to push the spoon up to Toby’s mouth again and says, ‘No, I didn’t forget, I didn’t realize we’d run out,’ and I say, ‘Can we go and get some now?’ Mummy huffs a breath out and says, ‘We’re not going now, Jesika. It’s tea-time.’ She pushes the spoon at Toby’s mouth again.

  I don’t like my pasta without melty cheese. I push my bowl away and say, ‘I don’t want it,’ and I stare at Mummy hard and make my face cross.

  Mummy says, ‘Fine. Go hungry, then,’ and she’s not actually looking at me cos she’s still trying to get Toby to open his mouth and I say, ‘Toby won’t eat it cos it’s not got melty cheese.’

  Now Mummy’s looking at me hard and cross and she says, ‘Well, maybe he would eat it if he sees his big sister eat it. Come on, Jesika, I need your help with this.’

  But I don’t want my pasta without melty cheese so I fold my arms and screw my mouth up like Toby’s and make my face even more cross. Toby laughs at my face and then he’s coughing and crying and then he sneezes and coughs at the same time and a big, green bogie shoots right out of his nose and right onto Mummy’s hand and it’s so funny that I forget my cross face and laugh and laugh and laugh.

  BANG!

  ‘JUST EAT YOUR BLOODY PASTA!’

  eyes-open-scary-wide-heart-thumping-burning-hot-hot-HOT—

  ‘YOU’RE ALWAYS SHOUTING! I HATE YOU!’

  Mummy’s mouth is open and Toby’s mouth is open and all I can hear in my ears is
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP but it’s not the music through the floor it’s my heart and it’s going to burst right out of my head.

  Mummy pushes her chair back not carefully at all and it goes BANG! on the floor and she shouts, ‘Find yourself a new Mummy who doesn’t shout, then!’ And her eyes are wet and her mouth is a funny shape and then she runs into the kitchen where I can’t see her but I can hear her coughing and coughing.

  I don’t want to find a new Mummy.

  Toby’s looking at me and I don’t think he wants to find a new Mummy either cos his lips are wobbling just like mine and then me and Toby are crying and crying cept now Toby’s coughing too and I think it must be hard to cough and cry at the same time cos Toby’s breathing hard like when I run up the stairs fast like a cheetah and his face is going red like a tomato and then Mummy runs back through and her face is red too and her cheeks are all wet and she pulls Toby out of his high chair and she takes him into the bathroom and pushes the door shut and then it’s just me sitting at the table.

  Toby doesn’t have to find a new Mummy.

  Just me cos I shouted.

  Maybe they’re going to hide in the bathroom til I’ve gone and found one.

  I can hear Toby coughing and Mummy coughing and now there’s also the splashy-wooshy-water sound which means it’s bathtime but that’s strange cos we haven’t finished tea and we haven’t done playing so why is Mummy doing bathtime now? I run to the bathroom door and I bang my hands on it and I shout, ‘I DON’T WANT TO FIND A NEW MUMMY!’

  The door opens and Mummy’s standing right there and she says, ‘What’s all the shouting about? And why are you banging on the door? Why don’t you just open it?’

  I run forwards and wrap my arms tight and tight around Mummy’s legs and I need to tell her that I don’t want to find a new Mummy but I can’t stop crying.

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, Jesika!’ and she pulls me into the bathroom and closes the door again. Toby’s standing up against the bath with no clothes on and he’s bouncing his bottom up and down and saying, ‘In, in, in, in!’ so Mummy lifts him into the bath and then she kneels down and puts her arms around me in a great big cuddle and I cuddle her tight and tight and tight and all my crying stops. I don’t ever never want to let go, but then Mummy says I can get in the bath too so I take off all my clothes and get into the bath, and when I sit down the water goes up the sides of the bath and gets too near the leaky crack and I shout, ‘Leaky crack, Mummy!’ and Mummy pulls the plug out so the water goes back down a little bit.

  All the room is smoky and I say, ‘Mummy, you forgotted to put the buzzy fan on to suck out the smoke,’ cos we always, always have the buzzy fan on even though it makes a horrid noise cos there isn’t a window in the bathroom and Mummy says it’s not good to leave the smoke in the room.

  Mummy smiles again and says, ‘It’s steam, Jesika, not smoke, and it’s good for Toby’s chest, and good for mine too. Look, we’ve both stopped coughing.’

  We stay in the bath a long-a-long time cos Mummy says she wants Toby to breathe in lots and lots of steam afore he goes to bed to help him go to sleep and we do lots of splashing and laughing and Mummy says she wishes she could put all the laughing into a bottle and then when she’s feeling sad she can open the bottle and all the laughing would fill up the room.

  After, Mummy sits on the sofa with Toby on her knee so she can give him his bedtime milk and that remembers me that I’m very hungry and I go and sit at the table and I eat up all my pasta fast and fast even afore Toby’s finished his milk and it’s YUMMY.

  When Toby’s in bed, it’s my turn to cuddle with Mummy and I run over to the books and pick one of my fayvrit Tilly books and Mummy’s fairy-tale book and take them to Mummy on the sofa. Her head is flopped right back and her eyes are closed and I giggle and say, ‘Wake up, Mummy, it’s not bedtime, it’s story time!’ and I drop the two books on Mummy’s knee and jump up on the sofa next to her and cuddle into her side.

  Mummy opens her eyes and yawns and yawns and puts her arm around me and I cuddle Mummy tight and tight, and Mummy says, ‘I don’t always shout, do I?’

  I say, ‘You do shout quite a lot.’

  Mummy’s lips are pressed tight and tight like she’s about to be cross and my belly squeezes. I don’t want Mummy to be cross again. She might remember about sending me away to look for a new Mummy. I say, ‘But only a little bit.’

  Mummy opens her mouth and it’s all wobbly and she presses it tight shut again and now my heart’s thumping hard and I squeeze my thumb and my finger together and I say, ‘Only a teeny-tiny bit.’

  Mummy laughs and coughs and says, ‘I’ll try harder not to shout, OK?’ Then she says quiet as quiet, ‘It was Bab-bab’s birthday today.’

  I say, ‘Do you still have birthdays after you die?’

  Mummy says, ‘I suppose you do if the people in your family think about you on your birthday.’

  I say, ‘I’m thinking about Bab-bab now so that means she’s having her birthday,’ and I smile and smile and Mummy smiles too and then I say, ‘And if I think about Daddy on his birthday, he can have his birthday too.’

  Mummy stops smiling and she says, ‘Yes, he can have his birthday too.’

  I say, ‘Or maybe he might come back for his birthday cos he’s not dead like Bab-bab, is he? He might come back for a surprise.’

  Mummy says, ‘Poppet, I don’t think …’ She stops and strokes her hand down my hair. ‘I don’t know what your Daddy will do, but can we talk about it another day? Is that OK?’ I say, ‘That’s OK,’ cos Mummy gets cross when she talks about Daddy and I don’t want Mummy to be cross.

  Mummy says, ‘There’s something else we do need to talk about,’ and her voice is saying listen-to-me-Jesika and I look at Mummy’s face and it’s saying listen-to-me as well and Mummy says, ‘Well, two things, actually.’

  She stops and waits and I say, ‘What is it, Mummy?’

  Mummy sits up a bit and holds both my hands and says, ‘OK, first. Did you tell Stella that I pushed you against the TV this morning?’

  I don’t know what Mummy means and I wrinkle up my nose and then Mummy touches her fingers gentle on my head and it hurts and I remember about drawing tadpoles and Mummy being cross and I say, ‘You didn’t push me, you pulled me and the telly hitted me.’

  Mummy blows out a breath and says, ‘Did you tell Stella that?’

  I say, ‘I told her the telly hitted me cos you pulled me too hard.’

  Mummy blows out another breath and says, ‘Jesika, you know I didn’t mean the telly to hit your head? I only meant to pull you out of the way. It was an accident.’

  I say, ‘I know. Can we do stories now?’

  Mummy says, ‘Wait a minute, there’s something else. Why did you bite Stella? That’s not really something you can do by accident.’

  My face goes hot and hot and I don’t want to look at Mummy cos she’s going to be so so cross with me and shouty and I don’t want her to be shouty again and—

  ‘Jesika.’

  Mummy’s fingers are under my chin and she’s lifting my face up so I have to look at her and I don’t want to look at her and Mummy says, ‘Jesika, look at me,’ and then, ‘Jesika, why did you bite her?’

  I know I bited Stella, and I know Kali told me about not biting, but I don’t know why I bited. I say, ‘I’ve forgotted.’

  Mummy says, ‘Stella told me you were trying to run out of preschool? She said she was trying to stop you?’

  I did try to run out of preschool. I was running to Mummy cos the zip bited my chin and I hitted Mummy and Mummy was going away and not coming back cos I didn’t say sorry and Stella wouldn’t let me go back and she pulled and pulled and … Oh!

  I say, ‘Stella hurted me and she didn’t even say sorry!’

  Mummy says, ‘She hurt you?’

  I say, ‘She was holding me and squeezing.’ I squeeze my arm with my hand to show Mummy what I mean. ‘And it hurted and she wouldn’t let go.’
r />   Mummy says, ‘So you bit her?’

  I say, ‘No, I bit her and then she hurted me. And Kali said I had to say sorry but Stella didn’t even have to say sorry!’

  Mummy says, ‘But why did you bite her?’

  My skin feels hot and spiky all over and I can’t stop wriggling and I say, ‘I’ve forgotted! It was an accident!’

  Mummy puts her hands on my shoulders and strokes them down my arms and the wriggly inside me goes away and she says, ‘OK, it’s just … sometimes it’s OK to bite and I want to know if this was one of the OK times.’

  I say, ‘But Kali said I shouldn’t ever never bite and I have to do my big STOP IT voice next time.’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, Kali’s right. You always use your big voice first. But if that doesn’t work and you feel trapped and scared and in danger, biting is OK. Do you understand?’

  I say, ‘But it’s not OK to bite and kick and hit someone for other times cos that’s naughty.’

  Mummy nods and says, ‘Exactly.’ Then she says, ‘But I think Stella made you feel trapped. Because you were trying to run out and she wouldn’t let go.’

  I remember Stella not letting go.

  Mummy says, ‘Can you remember why you were trying to run out?’

  I’m thinking again about the zip biting and hitting Mummy and Mummy going away all cross and never coming back.

  I press my face into Mummy’s side and I breathe her smell and she strokes my hair.

  Mummy says, ‘Tell me, Jesika.’

  My belly hurts.

  I can’t tell Mummy. I don’t want Mummy to remember about sending me to find a new Mummy. I don’t want a new Mummy. I want my Mummy.

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika, you can tell me anything. I won’t be cross.’

  I shake my head side to side and Mummy’s soft jumper tickles my nose.