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by Amanda Berriman

  The Violent Lady goes to another door and opens it and we go in and it’s a room that smells like the hopsipal but it’s just got chairs and a squashy sofa going around a little table and there’s purple leaves and blue circles on the walls and no beds or machines or wires. The Violent Lady shuts the door but I don’t want the door shut cos now I can’t see the door where Mummy and Toby are and when it’s time to go home they might not see me and they might go home without me and—

  ‘Jesika? That’s your name?’

  The Violent Lady sits on the squashy sofa and she pats the space next to her and I sit down and she says my name again, ‘Jesika?’ and my name sounds funny in her voice like a bee buzzing and I nod and she nods and says, ‘Jesika,’ again and she says, ‘Nice to meet you, Jesika. I am Paulina,’ and I’m looking at her mouth when she speaks and my belly feels warm and it makes me smile and Paulina smiles too and her smile makes wiggly lines all round her mouth and her eyes.

  I say, ‘You say my name like a buzzy bee.’

  Paulina laughs and says, ‘A buzzy bee!’ and then she says, ‘My voice sounds different?’

  I say, ‘Your voice is nice.’

  Paulina smiles and says, ‘I come from a different country called Poland and—’

  I say, ‘I know Poland! My Daddy went to live there!’

  Paulina’s eyebrows jump up and back down and she says, ‘Oh, really?’

  I say, ‘He went away and he’s not coming back. Do you think that’s where Mummy and Toby might go too?’

  Paulina shakes her head and says, ‘Your Mummy and Toby are right here, kochanie, they’re not going anywhere.’ She smiles but I can’t smile too cos my belly hurts. Paulina pats her hands on her knees and she says, ‘I know a good idea. My little granddaughter is just the same age as you and she loves colouring in. I will see if there’s any colouring books in the cupboard here.’

  Paulina slides onto the floor and opens the cupboard and she pulls out a pile of books and there’s a Tilly book right on the top and it’s the one that I wanted Mummy to read at bedtime last night that she didn’t read to me cos she sent me to bed without reading stories and she didn’t come back and cuddle me and I want Mummy now but she’s not here and what if she never—

  Paulina picks me up and I’m sitting on her knee and she says, ‘You’re OK, kochanie, it’ll be OK,’ and I want to tell her the scary thing but my mouth just says, ‘Oh, oh, oh, oh,’ and I can’t stop it, not even to breathe, and Paulina talks in my ear but it’s not words I know and then she sings and my eyes feel sleepy and it’s easy to snuggle into Paulina cos she’s warm and squashy and soft and she keeps singing and it’s a song with strange sounds and I know it and I shut my eyes and I can smell baking, and I can see a room and it’s got pink daisies all wobbly in a line and I’m cuddled up on a chair that rocks forwards and back and forwards and back and Bab-bab says the rocking chair rocks away your bad dreams.

  ‘Bab-bab, look at me! Bab-bab! Bab-bab, look at me, look at me!’

  I’m giggling and giggling cos Bab-bab is sitting on the sunshiney balcony and I’m running out and in and out and in, and Bab-bab is laughing and trying to catch me when I go out but I’m quick as a cheetah and she can’t catch me.

  The out is hot and bright and it feels rough and bumpy on my feet and the in is cool and dark and my feet tickle on the soft carpet. Every time I jump from the hot, rough balcony to the cool, soft carpet I think my feet have forgotted what carpet is cos it feels new and different every time.

  On my next out, I forget to be a cheetah and Bab-bab catches me and cuddles me and tickles and tickles and does raspberry kisses on my neck and then she stops and lets go and shouts, ‘Train!’

  I jump up quick and Bab-bab holds me up at the balcony and we watch from high high up and see a long train like a red snake going over the vie-duck and Bab-bab is holding me and she’s pushing me up a bit more so I can see all the cars and the buses and the people down below and they are all so tiny like I could pick them up in my hand. Bab-bab points to all of them and says all the words for car and bus and lorry and train but they are different words and they buzz in my ear and I try to say them and my tongue feels funny in my mouth and Bab-bab laughs and I giggle and Bab-bab says, ‘Mummy will be home from work soon,’ and I wriggle down and run back into the darkness.

  I’m curled up warm and soft and Mummy says, ‘Poor Jesika.’

  Bab-bab says, ‘She’s been sleeping for most of the time.’ And then, ‘She called out in her sleep a few times for “Bab-bab”.’

  Mummy says, ‘She misses her Bab-bab a lot. It’s amazing how much she remembers. She was so little,’ and then she says something else but I can’t hear proply and Bab-bab says, ‘I tried teaching my little granddaughter to say “Babcia” but even now she’s older she says I’m not her Babcia, I’m her Bab-bab, so I think it’s stuck.’

  Bab-bab means me. She told me the other word lots and lots but it was too hard. Bab-bab is easy.

  Bab-bab says, ‘And how is your little Toby doing?’

  No, that’s not right. I try to open my eyes. Toby’s not here yet. Toby doesn’t come til after Bab-bab has gone. I need to open my eyes and ask Bab-bab how she knows about Toby. I need to open my eyes but my eyes are stuck shut.

  Bab-bab says, ‘Try not to worry. He’s in safe hands now.’

  Mummy coughs and coughs, and coughs and coughs some more, and her coughing won’t stop and I have to open my eyes so I can rub Mummy’s back but my eyes are still stuck.

  Mummy stops coughing. There’s a swish and a thud and then rushing feet and a door opens and closes and it’s quiet and warm and soft and then there’s noise and feet and people talking.

  Mummy shouts, ‘Magda! Magda! Talk to me! Oh God, oh God, oh God,’ and she runs and picks up her phone and Bab-bab is on the floor and her face is a funny colour and Mummy shouts, ‘Jesika, go into your bedroom now!’ but I can’t make my legs work and Mummy shouts, ‘Ambulance! I need an ambulance!’

  The ambulance drives right into the living room and the lights flash blue and the daisies on the wall are blue, not pink, and the Green Man puts Bab-bab on a bed with wheels and the ambulance drives off without waiting so the Green Man has to bump Bab-bab all the way down the stairs and I blink three times at Bab-bab for ‘I love you’ but her eyes are closed so she can’t blink at me and she doesn’t wave either and then she’s gone and it’s just Mummy and me in the room and the daisies are pink again and Mummy is crying and crying and she’s bending over and holding onto her big baby belly and I’m crying and crying too and when I look again, Mummy’s not there and it’s just me.

  12

  IWANTMUMMYIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummy …

  ‘Jesika?’

  IwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummy …

  ‘Jesika?’

  IwantMummyIwantMummyIwantMummy …

  A warm hand on my cheek, stroking.

  Mummy?

  Eyes open.

  Not Mummy.

  It’s the Violent Lady. She’s called …?

  What’s she called?

  Will she be cross if I can’t remember?

  She’s kneeling on the floor in front of me on big squashy knees.

  I’m lying comfy on soft cushions but my heart … thumping fast and fast.

  Bab-bab went in the ambulance.

  BAB-BAB WENT IN THE AMBULANCE.

  I sit up quick.

  The chairs are untidy and different, not where they are apposed to be round the little table, but the purple leaves and the blue circles are still in the same places on the walls and I can smell toilets and lemons so I think it’s the same room as afore, still in the hopsipal, just someone’s messed it up.

  Mummy disappeared too.

  The Violent Lady squeezes my hand and she has kind eyes but my heart still thumps, BANGBANGBANG! The lady says, ‘I am Paulina, remember? I’m looking after you in
the hospital.’ She pulls something tight round my shoulders, covering my hands. It tickles. I look down and I’m all covered in red and it’s soft, like the blanket I tuck Baby Annabelle into. Baby Annabelle’s not here. Bab-bab’s not here. Mummy’s not here.

  I say, ‘Where’s Mummy? I want Mummy.’

  Mummy cried and cried cos Bab-bab went in the ambulance.

  Paulina squeezes both my knees and she says, ‘Your Mummy came to see you but she felt poorly so the doctors are looking after her. Try not to worry, kochanie. I am looking after you right now and I won’t go anywhere.’

  My heart thumps and thumps and my belly hurts.

  I say, ‘Bab-bab is poorly, not Mummy. The ambulance drived into the room and took her away and Mummy cried.’ But that’s not right cos ambulances can’t drive inside houses. But Mummy did cry and she cried so much that it made Toby come out when I was sleeping.

  Paulina says, ‘I think you had a bad dream, kochanie,’ and her eyes look sad at me.

  My belly hurts and hurts and I say, ‘I want my Mummy.’ My lips wobble like jelly and I can’t make the words sound right. I say, ‘I want my Mummy,’ again, but I can’t stop my lips wobbling and now I’m crying and Paulina leans forward and holds me tight and whispers, ‘Shhh, shhh,’ in my ear and she whispers other words I don’t know but I think they are magic words cos they make my belly feel warm and it stops hurting and then it’s easy to stop crying.

  Paulina gets up from kneeling and there’s a strange pop-pop-pop-pop sound and Paulina laughs and says, ‘There go my poor knees again.’ Then she bends over and picks something up and sits down next to me on the squashy sofa. ‘Here,’ she says, ‘I’ve found your special Para-Ted.’ I push my hand through the gap in the blanket and take him and hold him tight and push my nose right into him and he smells strange. I say, ‘I wish Mummy had bringed Baby Annabelle.’

  Paulina says, ‘You have a baby sister, too?’ and her eyebrows shoot right up into her hair again.

  I say, ‘No-oo! Baby Annabelle is my dolly. Bab-bab maked her for me and she maked me lots of clothes for her too and I always cuddle Baby Annabelle when I go to bed so I’m not scared of the dark and the noises.’

  Paulina says, ‘I think Para-Teds are very good at helping little children feel not scared. Do you think your Para-Ted could help you until you can cuddle your Baby Annabelle again?’

  I hug Para-Ted tight and he is soft and warm, even if he doesn’t smell right.

  I nod my head and his ears tickle my cheek, like he wants me to smile, and I do smile and Paulina smiles too. Then she picks up a pen and a piece of paper from the little table and says, ‘Jesika, we’re trying to find out if there’s someone who can look after you tonight while your Mummy and your brother are in hospital. Is there anyone else in your family?’ And then, ‘Do you know the word “family”?’

  I know family is who lives in your house with you and I say, ‘There’s only Mummy and Toby and me in our house.’

  Paulina says, ‘What about family that don’t live in your house with you? You said your Daddy lives in Poland. Are you sure about that? Are you sure he doesn’t live near you?’

  I say, ‘Daddy lives in a different land. A far, far away place. He made Mummy cry a lot and he made her be angry and one day she throwed one of Bab-bab’s plates really hard on the floor and broke it and Bab-bab didn’t even get cross with her cos she said it was Daddy’s fault for making Mummy be angry.’

  Paulina says, ‘And your Mummy said Bab-bab is your Daddy’s Mummy?’

  I don’t know what Paulina means. I say, ‘Bab-bab is just Bab-bab. But she’s not alive now. Her heart stopped working and then we had to move to a different house cos Mummy didn’t have enough pennies. Mummy says someone else lives there now and we live in a different house and it’s not so high up and it’s a dump and Mummy gets cross cos it’s noisy and smelly and dirty. I liked living in Bab-bab’s house cos I got to see the trains going past.’

  Paulina blinks and blinks again and suddenly I can see Bab-bab right in front of me and she blinks three times for our secret ‘I love you’ code and then she’s gone again and I want her to come back cos I didn’t blink ‘I love you’ back to her, but she doesn’t come back and I can’t even think her face inside my head now.

  Paulina says, ‘OK, do you have any other Grandmas, Grandads, Aunties, Uncles?’

  I know ‘Uncle’ and I say, ‘Like Uncle Ryan?’

  Paulina writes squiggles on her pad of paper and says, ‘Uncle Ryan? Does he live near you?’

  I say, ‘I don’t know where he lives. I saw him on the bus and he took me round to Paige’s house to play and then he took me and Paige to preschool and Mummy was taking me too but she was being very slow with Toby so I walked up ahead with Uncle Ryan and Paige.’ Paulina writes more squiggles on her paper and then she says, ‘So does Uncle Ryan look after you sometimes?’

  BRRRING! BRRRING!

  Eyes wide, heart thumping.

  BRRRING! BRRRING!

  What is it? What’s that noise? I look all around me.

  Paulina says, ‘It’s the telephone. Wait here, Jesika,’ and she goes to the door and there’s a phone stuck on the wall and Paulina lifts up the talking bit and she says ‘Hello?’ and then ‘Yes, yes, yes …’ and then she looks over to me and smiles and then she turns away from me and talks and talks but I don’t know what she’s saying cos she’s made her voice quiet and quiet.

  The red blanket on my shoulders slips down. I try to pull it tighter round me but it won’t stay on my shoulders. I put Para-Ted on my knee and hold both the edges of the blanket and pull the blanket round and it slides soft across my shoulders, but when I let go to pick Para-Ted up again, it slides back down. I try again and the same thing happens so I try it again and this time I hold on with one hand and then pick up Para-Ted with my other hand but that’s hard too and I drop him on the floor and then the blanket slides right off when I try to reach down to get him back. It’s too hard!

  Then Paulina’s kneeling there in front of me and I didn’t even see her put the phone talker back and she picks up Para-Ted and hands him to me and then pulls the blanket around my shoulders proply so it doesn’t fall back down this time.

  I say, ‘Who were you talking to on the phone?’

  Paulina sits on the sofa next to me again and says, ‘It was a lady called Dolphin.’

  I think that’s a very strange name for a lady, but afore I can say that, Paulina says, ‘She’s in charge of finding someone to look after you while your Mum is in hospital.’

  Paulina pulls the blanket even more tight round my shoulders and it’s warm and snuggly and I have a good idea and I say, ‘You can look after me cos you’re really good at doing it.’

  Paulina smiles and says, ‘Ah, kochanie, I would love to look after you, but I can’t because you need a proper bed to sleep in and soon I will be needed again to help look after the poorly children staying here in hospital.’

  I don’t want Paulina to look after the poorly children. I want her to stay here.

  But Toby’s a poorly child.

  I say, ‘Will you look after Toby?’

  Paulina smiles and says, ‘I hope so. I will wait and see if he’s been sent to sleep in my ward.’

  I say, ‘I think you should look after Toby cos you make things not scary and he might be scared in the hopsipal.’ I hug Para-Ted tight and tight.

  Paulina blinks her eyes lots of times and cuddles me tight and says something in my ear that is soft and buzzy and tickly and then she lets me go and pats her knees and says, ‘Dolphin said she will be here soon. What would you like to do while we wait? We can read stories or do some colouring or get the building bricks out?’

  I choose stories cos I like being snuggled under the red blanket next to Paulina and I like Paulina’s buzzy voice that tickles my ear and makes me feel warm.

  Paulina is reading a funny story about pirates and there’s a swishing noise and I look round. A lady has walked into the room
and she’s also carrying a book but it’s not got any pictures or words on it, it’s just brown. Her head turns from me to Paulina and then to me and to Paulina again and she says, ‘Hey, Paulina, long time, no see. How’s it going?’

  Paulina smiles big and says, ‘It’s lovely to see you. Is it good being back?’

  The lady walks over and sits on the table right in front of the sofa and she says, ‘First week and already feel like I’ve never been away, but at least I’m busy.’ Maybe she doesn’t know that tables are not for sitting on, they’re for putting things on, like cups of tea and colouring books and Mummy’s phone and Toby’s bricks.

  Paulina reaches out and puts her hand on the lady’s shoulder and it looks like they’re saying something to each other just with their eyes but I don’t know what it is and then the lady looks at me and says, ‘And you must be Jesika?’ and she says, ‘My name is Delphine.’

  Paulina says, ‘This is the lady I told you about who’s finding someone to look after you, Jesika.’

  I wrinkle up my nose and I say, ‘But you said her name is “Dolphin”.’

  Paulina and the lady who’s not called Dolphin laugh and Paulina says, ‘It must be my accent,’ and the lady says, ‘Dolphin would be an epic name! But I don’t think I look much like a dolphin, do you?’

  I look carefully at her thin body and her stretchy neck and her pointy nose and her dark eyes and her head that never stays still and she’s right and I say, ‘No, I don’t think you look like a dolphin at all, I think you look like a meerkat.’

  She laughs even more. That’s cos meerkats are very funny animals. Then she says, ‘Let’s start again.’ And she holds out her hand and says, ‘My name is Delphine. Pleased to meet you, Jesika,’ and I push my hand out of the red blanket and hold Delphine’s hand and she shakes it up and down and it’s a bit silly.