I know that voice.
Not a monster?
I push my covers up a tiny bit so I’m peeping through a teeny-tiny hole. Someone’s sitting on Paige’s bed, someone with long, long twisted hair like Rapunzel.
Lorna.
Lorna’s got a big bundle in her arms and she’s rocking and rocking and saying, ‘Shhh, shhh,’ then the bundle moves and I can see it’s actually Paige and Paige is crying and sniffing and she says, ‘Jesika hurted me. She hurted me.’
My heart thumps even more fast and hard. I didn’t hurt Paige!
Lorna rocks her some more and says, ‘Shhhh, shhhh, it’s just a bad dream. I’ve got you.’
Paige says, ‘It still hurts.’
Lorna says, ‘What hurts, darling?’
Paige says, ‘My tummy hurts.’
Lorna says, ‘Do you need to go to the toilet?’
I don’t know what Paige says but I think it must be yes cos now Lorna is carrying Paige out of bed and I bounce down and up, down and up on my bed when Lorna steps across it and then she carries Paige out of the bedroom and the light disappears and now it’s just me in the bedroom and it’s dark as dark.
I pull the covers back a bit more and I’m looking around Paige’s room and as I look and look the dark is painted with night-orange again. It looks so different to the daytime. It’s not like a princess bedroom any more, it’s like an underground cave and the princess curtains are like cobwebs hanging down over Paige’s bed where bats might hide. Or maybe huge, hairy spiders with tickly legs. Or monsters. I don’t like monsters and I don’t like Paige’s bedroom in the night-orange, not by myself.
I push back the covers and creep on tippy-toes to Paige’s bedroom door and open it a little bit and light zooms in a line across the carpet to Paige’s bed. It’s not hurty light. It’s far away light and when I look out of the bedroom door I can see it’s floated up from the bottom of the stairs.
Paige says, ‘It hurts, it hurts,’ and her voice is coming from the bathroom but I can’t see her cos the door’s not proply open, only a little bit.
Lorna says, ‘I know, darling, but you’ve still got to try and wee.’
I creep forward a bit more cos I want to know what’s hurting. The floor under my foot makes a loud creak and I freeze like a statue and my heart thump-thump-thumps and I think Lorna will come running out of the bathroom and be cross cos I’m not in my bed and I want to run back to my bed and hide but my legs are stuck. Then I hear Paige crying again and Lorna doesn’t come out of the bathroom. I think she’s too busy cuddling Paige.
She says, ‘Still hurting? It must be another infection. Poor Paige. You keep getting them at the moment. We’ll go to the doctor in the morning.’
I know what a fecshun is cos Toby gets fecshuns all the time. Maybe I should tell Lorna that sometimes the doctor can’t make fecshuns better and she might have to take Paige to the hopsipal if she stops breathing proply like Toby.
There’s a whooshing sound and I know that’s the sound of the toilet flushing. Lorna and Paige are coming back! I run back to bed and hide. Under the covers, my breath is hot on my face. I listen and listen and listen for the sound of Lorna and Paige’s footsteps and I think I can hear them coming but I’m not sure. And then I feel my bed go down and up and down and up again and I know Lorna’s there tucking Paige back in bed.
Paige says, ‘Don’t go, Mummy,’ and Lorna says, ‘Shut your eyes, darling. You’ll be back asleep before you know it.’
Paige says, ‘I want you to sleep on the bed beside me.’
Lorna says, ‘I can’t, sweetie. Jesika’s on that bed tonight.’
‘Can I have my music on?’
‘Not tonight, darling, we might wake Jesika.’
I think I should tell Lorna I’m already awake but I don’t know if I’m apposed to be so I don’t say anything.
Lorna says, ‘I’ll stay right here until you’re asleep,’ and then everything is quiet as quiet and in the quiet I can hear three people breathing, me and Paige and Lorna, and I can hear the swish-ROAR-swish of veekles whizzing by but they sound far, far away, not like at home where Mummy says she thinks one day they’re going to drive straight through the window. I keep telling Mummy that’s silly cos our home is too high up for the cars and buses and lorries to reach us.
The bed goes down and up and down and up again and the door swishes shut and the light disappears. Now I can only hear me and Paige breathing and I think Paige must be asleep now cos Lorna’s left the room and I wonder when I’m going to go back to sleep cos I don’t feel sleepy at all.
Paige says, ‘Mummy?’ and her voice is wobbly-quiet. She’s not asleep. I sit up and reach out my hand and I find Paige’s hand and I hold it and she grips it hard and hard and I think she must be scared of her bedroom in the dark too and I say, ‘Don’t be scared, Paige, I’m right here,’ cos that’s what Mummy says to me when I’m scared of monsters.
Paige doesn’t say anything for a while. We just hold hands in the night-orange listening to our breathing and the cars far away. Then Paige says like a whisper, ‘I want a cuddle.’
I can’t let go of her hand cos she’s holding it too tight so I stand up and I wriggle into bed next to her and we snuggle up so our noses are almost touching, and even though it’s dark I can see right into Paige’s eyes cos the night-orange is making them shiny. We lie like that for a while just breathing and blinking and breathing and blinking and I’m feeling wrapped up and snuggly and warm …
Paige says, ‘You hurted me when I was sleeping,’ but she doesn’t sound cross and I don’t think she is cross cos she’s still cuddling me. It sounds like she’s just saying it. I think about Lorna saying it was a bad dream and I say, ‘Paige, I didn’t actually hurt you, it was just a bad dream, wasn’t it?’
Paige doesn’t say anything and she breathes in and out and in and out and it’s like she’s gone to sleep, cept her eyes are still shining with the night-orange.
Then she says, ‘Uncle Ryan hurted me.’
I say, ‘Was that in your dream too?’
Paige breathes in and out and in and out, fast and fast, and then she says, ‘He hurted me outside the bathroom.’
I say, ‘How?’
Paige says, ‘He maked my tummy hurt. He does this,’ and Paige pokes me in my belly with her finger and I say, ‘Oh!’ cos I didn’t know she was going to do that and Paige says, ‘He always does it and I don’t like it.’ Paige grips my hand and presses herself against me but she’s not being squashy and cuddly and nice, she’s being hard and shivery and spiky.
I say, ‘You have to say STOP IT in your Big Voice. That’s what Kali and Mummy said you have to do and Mummy also said if your Big Voice doesn’t work it’s OK to hit and bite, but you have to use your Big Voice first.’
Paige says, ‘I don’t want to,’ and she squeezes her eyes shut.
I say, ‘But if you do it, he’ll stop hurting you, won’t he?’
Paige says, ‘I don’t want to,’ and then she says something so quiet I can’t hear.
I say, ‘What did you say, Paige?’
Paige says, ‘He’ll be so cross,’ and she breathes in and out and in and out, and she says, ‘I won’t be his special-good-girl and he won’t give me the secret treats and then you’ll be his special-good-girl instead,’ and she snatches her hand away and opens her eyes and her face is mean and she says, ‘And you’re not ever being his special-good-girl. Not ever. Cos I’ll never speak to you ever ever again.’
My eyes sting and I blink and blink. Why is Paige being mean? I don’t even want to be Ryan’s special-good-girl cos Paige is apposed to be his special-good-girl but he hurts her and that’s not nice.
Paige says, ‘Say it. Say not ever.’
I say, ‘Not ever, ever.’
Paige closes her eyes again and reaches out for my hand and squeezes it tight and she breathes in and out and in and out and I’m thinking and thinking about Ryan hurting Paige and I didn’t know he was a not-nice person w
ho hurted people and I think about Paige not telling him cos he might be cross and I think about what I would do if Ryan was hurting me and I didn’t want to tell him and I have a good idea. Paige can tell Lorna and then Lorna can tell Ryan to stop it. Ryan won’t get cross with Lorna cos she’s a grown-up.
I say, ‘Paige?’
Paige’s eyes stay closed and she’s breathing slow. I squeeze her hand but she doesn’t squeeze it back. I think this time she really is asleep.
I whisper, ‘Paige, are you asleep?’ but she doesn’t answer me so I close my eyes too.
I’ll tell Paige my good idea when it’s morning.
19
MUMMY’S NOT IN bed.
No.
This isn’t me and Mummy’s bed.
Mummy’s in hopsipal.
And Toby too.
Duncan and Jane’s house.
But pink. Not yellow.
Did my bed move to a different room?
Princess curtains.
Not Duncan and Jane’s! Paige’s house and Paige’s bed!
How did I get in Paige’s bed? And where’s Paige?
Someone moves on the other side of Paige’s princess curtain.
I say, ‘Paige? Is that you?’
‘Ah, the beautiful princess awakes.’
It’s a man’s voice.
Duncan?
I sit up and rub my eyes. Silly Jesika, I’m not in Duncan’s house, I’m in Paige’s house and that’s Ryan.
He pulls back the curtain and he’s smiling and I say, ‘Where’s Paige?’
Ryan says, ‘Lorna’s just popped her to the doctors. She’s got a poorly tummy. They won’t be long. Do you want some breakfast?’
I nod.
Paige had a poorly belly in the night. I remember. That’s how I got into her bed! Cos Ryan was mean and hurted Paige.
Ryan says, ‘Come and get dressed, then.’
I shake my head.
Ryan smiles and says, ‘Why not?’
I can’t tell him it’s cos he’s mean, cos Paige said that would make him be cross. But he’s still looking at me, smiling, and I don’t know why not.
Ryan says, ‘Look what I’ve done with your clothes,’ and he steps back and it looks like there’s a person on the floor but it’s not really, it’s clothes all laid out on the floor to look like a person. That’s clever! But the pants aren’t mine and the skirt’s not mine either. I don’t have any pants with pink flowers on and I don’t have a yellow skirt. I slide out of bed and pick them up and say, ‘These aren’t my clothes!’
Ryan laughs and says, ‘No, they’re Paige’s. Lorna said you needed to borrow some clean things from Paige.’ Then he says, ‘I bet you can’t put all your clothes on before I count to twenty.’
I laugh and say, ‘Duncan said that and I beated him!’
Ryan says, ‘One, two, three, four, five,’ very fast afore I can even take my pyjamas off and I giggle and say, ‘Not that fast, Ryan!’
Then Ryan counts slow like a snail and that’s much better but after I’ve taken off my pyjamas I can’t find the flower pants and it’s cos Ryan’s holding them above his head, laughing cos I can’t reach them, and I laugh too and try and jump to get them and I say, ‘That’s cheating, Ryan,’ and then he gives them back to me and I’m thinking about Ryan being mean and I think maybe he hurted Paige by accident cos he’s not really mean. He’s smiley and laughy and funny. I think if Paige just tells Ryan that he hurted her, he’ll be very sorry and he’ll kiss it better.
Ryan’s forgotted he’s apposed to be counting. He needs to say eleven but he’s just watching me get dressed and he’s stopped counting. I’m going to win this easy!
Ryan makes me toast with butter and jam for breakfast and he lets me eat it in the living room so I can watch telly and eat and he doesn’t put CBeebies on, he lets me choose one of Paige’s deeveedees and I choose Peppa Pig.
I say, ‘Mummy doesn’t let me watch telly and eat!’ Ryan smiles and winks and says, ‘Our secret.’ So now I have a chips secret and a squashed-pasta secret and a breakfast secret and a trampoline secret that I’m not apposed to tell anyone but I think I’ll tell Mummy cos then she might let me eat and watch telly at the same time and if I tell her about the chips she might buy some for tea. I don’t think she really knows how yummy they are.
Peppa Pig has a little brother called George and she helps him and plays with him and that’s just like me and Toby. I swallow the toast in my mouth and say, ‘Are Mummy and Toby coming to get me today?’
Ryan picks up his phone and says, ‘Let’s find out.’ He tap-tap-taps the phone with both his thumbs. I think he’s sending messages like Mummy did. Ryan’s phone makes a funny bell sound and I say, ‘Is Mummy phoning you?’
Ryan says, ‘Just a message.’ He stares at his phone, smiles and then says, ‘Your Mum doesn’t know yet.’
I say, ‘Oh.’ Then I say, ‘Can I see Toby’s video again?’
Ryan’s mouth opens wide and his eyebrows go right up into his hair and he says, ‘Again!’ and I know he’s just joking and I giggle and he looks at me and he pushes his mouth to the side like Mummy does when she’s not sure about something and she’s deciding what to do and I press my hands together and say, ‘Please, can I?’ and Ryan picks up the telly remote and makes Peppa and her friends freeze like statues.
He pats the sofa next to him like he’s saying, ‘Come and sit here, Jesika.’ So I go and sit next to him but he puts his phone down and then he holds his two pointing fingers up and wiggles them and says, ‘I’ll let you watch Toby’s video if you let me tickle you,’ and I giggle cos when Mummy tickles me I can never stop laughing ever! Ryan wiggles his fingers closer and I giggle and giggle and Ryan laughs and says, ‘I’ve not even started yet!’ and then suddenly his pointy fingers are tickling me on my belly and my sides and up and down my legs and on my knees and I’ve fallen right back on the sofa and Ryan’s leaning over and I’m wriggling away cos it’s so so tickly.
I roll off the sofa and bump onto the carpet and I crawl away fast and the carpet is scratchy on my knees and Ryan says, ‘I’m coming to get you,’ in a pretend scary voice and I scream and giggle and crawl even more fast but Ryan catches me and I twist away and I’m lying on my back and he tickles me all over again and then his hands tickle under my T-shirt, all over my belly and under my armpits, and it’s even more ticklier on my skin and I can’t even giggle now cos my mouth has run out of breathing and I need to tell him to stop so I can breathe proply but it’s too tickly and now he’s tickling all up and down my legs again and, ‘Ow!’
Ryan stops tickling and I sit up and say, ‘You scratched me. That hurt!’ and I lift up my skirt and there’s a tiny, red scratch at the top of my leg near my pants. Ryan makes his mouth all stretchy and he says, ‘Oops, sorry, Jesika! I didn’t mean to,’ and he’s smiling and not cross and it remembers me about him hurting Paige by accident and I say, ‘You have to say sorry to Paige too.’
Ryan laughs and says, ‘But Paige isn’t here.’
I say, ‘I know, but she said you keep hurting her and you don’t say sorry, and you have to say sorry and you have to not hurt her.’
Ryan stops smiling. He says, ‘What did you say?’
I say, ‘You have to say—’ Ryan stands up quick and I stop talking.
He’s at the door.
Now he’s back sitting on the sofa.
Now he’s standed up again and his hands are moving, moving in his hair and around his neck and over his face, and his eyes look like he’s so scared, like there’s a monster under the bed.
Now he’s sitting down again. He presses his hands on my shoulders and his eyes are scary-wide and he says, ‘Who else have you said that to?’
I don’t know what he means. My belly whizzes round and my heart thumps. I don’t like it. I want Mummy. Ryan grips my shoulders more hard and he says, ‘Who else did you say that to?’ and his fingers are poking into me and I say, ‘Ow! Ow! That hurts!’
He lets go
and covers his face with his hands and then wipes his hands away and he’s smiling again and he says, ‘Sorry.’ He breathes. ‘Sorry, Jesika, I shouldn’t have done that. I am silly. I just need you to answer a question for me. Can you do that?’ He keeps smiling and smiling and smiles are apposed to make the scary go away but it’s not making the scary go away inside me cos what if Ryan gets cross again? Paige was right about not telling him.
Ryan says, ‘Jesika? Can you?’ He leans towards me and I can feel his breath tickling my cheek and it’s hot and it smells like toast.
I want Mummy.
There’s a crash and a bang outside the room. I know that sound!
Quick! Get up! Run!
‘Mummy!’
Not Mummy.
NOT MUMMY!
I WANT MUMMY!
Arms tight round me.
A hand stroking my hair.
A voice says, ‘Breathe, Jesika. Just breathe.’
My face is squashed against something soft like a cushion and the voice says, ‘Like this, Jesika,’ and it’s Lorna’s voice and I can hear her doing big breaths in and out and in and out and my face is squashed into her jumper and it’s soft and it smells like flowers and my face moves up and down every time she breathes and it makes me breathe too and then I’m crying and she says, ‘Poor Jesika. Did you think I was your Mummy?’
I nod my head and Lorna’s jumper tickles my nose.
She says, ‘Poor Jesika,’ again and she doesn’t feel like Mummy and she doesn’t smell like Mummy and she doesn’t sound like Mummy but she cuddles just like Mummy and I think when she’s not being cross she’s a kind Mummy and her cuddle is making the scary go away, just like my Mummy’s cuddles do.
Lorna lets go of me and I can see again and she’s kneeling on the carpet and she’s looking at something above my head and she says, ‘Do you think I should just say?’ I turn round to see who she’s talking to and Ryan’s standing right ahind me. He looks at me and his face still looks scary and I don’t want to see so I cuddle back into Lorna’s jumper.
Ryan says, ‘She doesn’t know what’s happening with … yet.’
Home Page 21