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by Amanda Berriman

  Lorna strokes her hand down my hair and says, ‘Yeah, you’re probably right.’ Then she laughs and says, ‘Don’t look so worried, Ryan. It’s not your fault she’s upset.’

  Ryan says, ‘I thought you were popping to the shops? And where’s Paige?’

  Lorna says, ‘She’s in the car. I’ve only come back for my purse – I think I’ve left it upstairs. At least I hope so, because I can’t find it!’ She undoes her cuddle and stands up and says, ‘And I thought I’d take Jesika with me now, seeing as there’s a chance … you know. Can you help her put her shoes and coat on while I go and look for my purse?’

  Then Lorna runs up the stairs and Ryan’s in front of me lifting down my coat from the high-up peg and I look at my feet cos I don’t want to see his scary face and he holds my coat out for me and I turn round and push my arms in. He leans right over me to zip it up, just like Mummy does, and he says quiet in my ear, ‘Jesika, that thing you said about me hurting Paige, you mustn’t ever say it ever again.’

  He turns me round to face him and he lifts my chin with his finger so I have to look at him and he says, ‘Do you understand?’

  I nod my head cos I know what it means to ever never say something ever again, like when I said the naughty words that the man downstairs said and Mummy got so so cross, and I say, ‘Is it a naughty thing to say?’

  Ryan nods his head and says, ‘Yes, it’s very naughty. If you said it to your Mummy or Lorna or any other grown-up they would be very angry and sad. You would be in a lot of trouble. Do you understand?’

  I nod my head again cos I know what a lot of trouble is. It means that you get told off and sometimes you don’t get to watch telly or you have to go to bed afore it’s bedtime. But I don’t know why it’s a naughty thing to tell Ryan that he hurted Paige and he has to say sorry, cos that’s not bad words, and I didn’t shout or scream or say, ‘I hate you.’

  Lorna comes back down the stairs and she says, ‘Found it! Phew!’ and Ryan stares right into my eyes and says, ‘OK, Jesika?’ and Lorna says, ‘All ready?’ and holds out her hand for me and then she laughs and says, ‘Shoes?’ and then Ryan laughs and smacks his hand on his head and says, ‘What am I like?’ and Lorna laughs too and kneels down and helps me put my shoes on. But why is Ryan laughing? Isn’t he cross?

  Lorna stands back up and holds my hand again and says, ‘Thanks for your help this morning, Ryan, you’re such a life-saver!’

  Ryan says, ‘Don’t mention it.’

  Lorna opens the door and Ryan says, ‘Jesika?’ and I look back and he says, ‘You can watch Toby’s video later, as long as you’re not naughty with Lorna,’ and he smiles and winks.

  Lorna laughs and says, ‘Of course she won’t be naughty. Will you, Jesika?’

  Ryan laughs too, but when Lorna turns round to the door he stops smiling and he’s not laughing, and he puts his finger to his lips and holds his phone up and points to it. I think he’s saying that if I say the naughty thing again I’ll be in lots of trouble and I won’t get to watch Toby’s video, and I want to see Toby again. I miss him.

  Lorna pulls me out of the door after her. We walk down the path and there’s Paige sitting in the back of a white car. I didn’t know Lorna and Paige had a car. Paige lifts her hand and presses it against the window. I have to tell Paige what Ryan said cos she was right about not saying to Ryan and I better not tell her my idea about telling Lorna cos then she might get in lots and lots of trouble for saying the naughty thing. But I still don’t know why it’s naughty. Maybe if I tell Mummy that I know a naughty thing but I don’t know why it’s naughty, she’ll say it’s OK to tell it so she can tell me why it’s naughty? I don’t think Mummy will shout if I do that. I wish Mummy was here right now so I could ask her.

  20

  WE HAVE TO walk to the shops cos Lorna forgotted that she’s only got one car seat. Paige stamps her feet on the pavement and says, ‘I don’t want to walk. My legs are too tired,’ and she sits down and won’t move at all til Lorna says she can have some sweeties if she walks all the way and doesn’t whinge. I can do that. Me and Mummy and Toby always walk places and it’s easy. Will I get sweeties too?

  We walk along the road and then another road and another and I need to tell Paige about Ryan but Paige is on the other side of Lorna and she’s not listening and all she keeps saying is her legs are tired and she doesn’t want to walk and all Lorna keeps saying is, ‘You won’t get those sweeties if you keep moaning. Come on, it’s really not that far.’

  I want to stop holding Lorna’s hand cos she’s holding it tight and sore but when I pull my hand out she grabs it again and says, ‘You must keep holding my hand, Jesika,’ and her voice is snappy like a crocodile.

  Then we walk around the side of a big car park and we’re walking towards a building and I think I know this place. I look at the red bricks and the white around the windows and I’ve seen it afore but it doesn’t look quite right. We walk down the side of the red-brick building and it gets squashy atween two walls and then it’s a tunnel with a roof over our heads and when we come out of the tunnel we’re at a busy, noisy street and I do know this place! This is my place! Mine and Mummy’s and Toby’s and I haven’t been here for a long-a-long time!

  I can see the red heart shop and the big food shop on the other side of the road and then Lorna’s hand tugs me and my feet have to keep walking but I’m looking ahind me cos I know if I stretch my neck back even more I might see Ade’s rainbow shop or Nandini’s washing machine shop and past that is my house. I really want to see that.

  But now I can’t see anything cos Lorna’s pushed open the door of another shop and we go inside and I know this shop too. This is where Mummy gets medicine when me or Toby or Mummy is feeling poorly and I know what the red brick building is now. It’s where we go to see the doctor and it has a path for buggies that goes up to glass doors and when I’m with Mummy I’m allowed to run along next to the path on the pavement and then run up the stairs that go to the same glass doors and see if I can beat Mummy and Toby to the top and I always do cos I can run fast like a cheetah.

  I pull Lorna’s hand and say, ‘I go to this shop too and the doctors with the buggy path.’

  Lorna smiles and says, ‘Do you?’

  I say, ‘Yes, and I know all the other shops too. I know the red heart shop and the washing machine shop and the big food shop and Ade’s rainbow shop.’

  But Lorna’s talking to the man who gives her the medicine and I don’t think she heard me so I tell Paige but Paige is just leaning her head on Lorna’s leg and she’s not listening either.

  Outside the medicine shop, me and Paige have to hold Lorna’s hands again and we cross the busy road at the green man and start walking up towards Ade’s rainbow shop and I’m so excited cos we might actually be going to see Ade and I can tell him I’ve been sleeping in different beds for ages and he might have a treat for me and Paige cos Paige is my friend.

  But we don’t go to Ade’s rainbow shop, we go into the big food shop, and Lorna gets a basket and she gets me and Paige to help her find things like milk and bread and then she picks out some apples and bananas and I say, ‘You can get them at Ade’s rainbow shop, Lorna,’ cos maybe she doesn’t know.

  Lorna says, ‘Can you?’

  And I tell her all about Ade’s shop and the colours and the things he gives us to taste and the special bags he gives Mummy and all of that but Lorna doesn’t put the apples and bananas back and then we go and pay and I don’t think she was really listening to me telling her at all.

  Outside the big food shop, Lorna gets out her phone and she tells me and Paige to stand against the wall out of the way. I squash up with Paige and say, ‘Have you ever been to Ade’s rainbow shop?’ But Paige doesn’t say. Sometimes I think Paige can’t remember her words and that’s why she doesn’t say things cos other times she has lots to say, like in the dark last night when she said lots of things. That remembers me!

  I put my mouth right up to Paige’s ear and I
whisper, ‘You were right about not telling Ryan.’

  Paige turns her head away.

  I put my mouth back at Paige’s ear and I whisper again, ‘Did you hear what I said?’

  Lorna says, ‘What are you two whispering about?’ and she’s smiling and I think I can’t tell her what I’m saying cos Ryan said not to, and if I do say it Lorna won’t be smiling cos she’ll be cross and I’ll be in lots and lots of trouble so I say, ‘Nothing! It’s just a secret for me and Paige.’ And Lorna laughs and says, ‘I hope it’s a good secret?’

  I say, ‘Yes, it is,’ cos it’s good I’m telling Paige something so she doesn’t get in trouble as well.

  Lorna’s phone makes a noise and Lorna looks at it and then she smiles and she says, ‘I know a good secret too.’ And her smile is big and big but she won’t tell me or Paige what it is cept she says it’s a good secret for me and then Paige gets cross and stamps her feet and says, ‘I want a good secret too!’

  I put my mouth to Paige’s ear again and whisper, ‘I’ve got a good secret for you,’ but Paige pushes me away again and shouts, ‘No! I don’t want your secret!’ and she pushes me again and, ow! My head bangs on the wall and it hurts!

  Lorna says, ‘Paige!’ and she pulls Paige away and she’s talking to her fast and cross and my head hurts and hurts and I want Mummy to cuddle it better but Mummy’s not there and then Lorna’s there with Paige and Paige says, ‘Sorry, Jesika,’ and Lorna says, ‘No more whispering secrets, Jesika. Paige doesn’t like it, OK?’ and her voice is spiky and cross and I think that means it was naughty to whisper to Paige. I’ll have to tell Paige about Ryan later when Lorna’s not listening and I don’t have to whisper.

  Lorna says, ‘Time for a drink and a snack while we wait,’ and Paige says, ‘Yeah, yeah!’ and Lorna says, ‘Come on, then,’ and we walk away from the big food shop and we’re walking to Ade’s rainbow shop and I can see the outside fruit getting more near and more near cept we don’t get there cos we stop at a shop just afore Ade’s and I remember this shop. It’s the one with the tables and chairs and people sit at the tables and have something to eat and drink.

  Paige jumps up and down and says, ‘The cafe! The cafe!’ and it remembers me that Mummy went to a cafe with Ryan and Ryan got me a yummy gingerbread man and maybe they went to this cafe and I jump up and down too and say, ‘The cafe! The cafe!’ cos it’s so exciting cos I’ve never been in a cafe afore.

  Lorna lets go of my hand and she’s pushing the door open and then I hear, ‘Jesika!’ and I look round and Ade is standing next to the outside fruit and he’s smiling so big and waving and he’s not leaning on any stick today so it must be a not-hurty day.

  Lorna says, ‘Come on, Jesika,’ and I turn and she’s holding the door open and I have to go but I smile and wave first.

  Inside the cafe it’s warm and it smells like the baking shop and we sit at a table and we drink hot chocolate and eat star biscuits that have sprinkles on them and Lorna has a giantnormous piece of chocolate cake and she cuts a bit for me and Paige and it’s so yummy and then Lorna says, ‘Who was that man, Jesika?’ and her face is frowny.

  I say, ‘What man?’

  Lorna says, ‘The one who called your name and waved at you.’

  I smile big and I say, ‘That’s Ade!’ and I laugh cos Lorna’s being silly cos everyone knows Ade in the rainbow shop, don’t they? And I say, ‘Can we go and see him after this?’

  Lorna frowns more and shakes her head and says, ‘No, no, I don’t think so.’

  I say, ‘Why not?’

  Lorna says, ‘Because I don’t know if your Mummy would let you go and talk to him.’

  I say, ‘I talk to Ade all the time with Mummy. We go to his shop and we buy big bags with fruit and vegetables in them and sometimes he puts surprises in the bag and he gave Mummy a book to read one day too. Mummy says he’s our friend now.’

  Lorna says, ‘Is he?’

  I say, ‘Yes, and Nandini and Emma in the washing machine shop. Can we go and see them as well?’

  Lorna says, ‘I don’t know any of these people, Jesika. I think it would be better if your Mummy takes you to see them when she’s back.’

  Lorna smiles big like she’s said something good, but it’s not good cos I want to tell Ade and Nandini and Emma where I’ve been cos I’ve not seen them for a long-a-long time and they might not know I’ve been sleeping in different beds. I wish Mummy was back now.

  We stay in the cafe for ages and Lorna has another drink and the man wiping all the tables gives me and Paige some pictures to colour in but Paige keeps snatching the pencils from me and then she scribbles on my sheet and I scribble on hers and Lorna is cross with both of us even though Paige did it first and it’s not fair.

  Lorna’s phone rings and she’s talking and smiling and when she’s finished talking she drinks the rest of her drink fast and stands up and says, ‘Time to go!’

  We have to put our coats back on fast cos Lorna says there’s not much time but she doesn’t say why and she hurries us out of the door and we rush past Ade’s rainbow shop and the shop with all the buckets and boxes outside and the hair cutting shop and then we stop right next to the bus stop and there’s a bus there and people are getting on and off and Lorna says, ‘Let’s wait here for a moment.’

  I say, ‘What are we waiting for?’

  Lorna smiles big and says, ‘You’ll see.’

  ROARRR!

  What was that noise? My heart thumps and thumps. It sounded like a-hundred-a-thousand lions all roaring at the same time! Then the bus starts moving and I laugh cos it was just the bus and then the bus has gone and I’m looking straight across the road at my house and I know what we were waiting for now. We were waiting to see my house.

  I say, ‘My house!’

  A car whizzes past playing thump-da-thump music and Lorna says, ‘What did you say, Jesika?’

  I point over the road and say, ‘My house! We came to see my house,’ and I’m smiling and smiling but Lorna’s not.

  She says, ‘You mean the flats over there with the black door?’

  I nod my head and I keep looking at my house and I press my hand against my chest cos it feels funny, like it’s hungry, but you don’t feel hungry up where your heart is, you feel it in your belly where your food goes.

  I say, ‘Can we go inside and look?’

  Lorna says, ‘No, we’ll just wait here.’

  I say, ‘Why are we waiting here?’

  Lorna says, ‘You’ll see in a minute.’

  I say, ‘I really want to go and look inside. Can we?’ I look at Lorna and her face is all twisted like she’s tasted something horrible.

  She says, ‘Your poor Mum,’ and shakes her head.

  I say, ‘What’s wrong with Mummy?’ and now my belly feels funny too and I don’t like it and I don’t know why Lorna looks so sad. I want Mummy.

  Another bus stops at the bus stop and I can’t see the house any more.

  Lorna says, ‘Nothing’s wrong with your Mummy. Nothing at all,’ and I’m looking at her face and she’s smiling big and big. And then she points ahind me and I turn and look and there’s a lady walking away from the bus and she’s holding …

  MUMMY! TOBY!

  I run forward and crash into Mummy’s legs and I’m holding and holding tight as tight and then Mummy’s bending and I have to let go and she puts Toby down and her arm is around me hugging and hugging but Toby’s pulling at Mummy’s jumper and her hair and crying and yelling, ‘Up, up, up, UP!’ and Mummy has to let go of me and stand up with Toby hanging around her neck and I try to cuddle Mummy again but her legs are not as cuddly as the rest of her but this is still the best day ever!

  Mummy says, ‘Thank you,’ lots and lots of times to Lorna and then Lorna gives Mummy a shopping bag and she says, ‘I got you some milk and bread and a few bits and pieces just to help out today,’ and Mummy says, ‘Thank you,’ a lot more times and she hooks the bag on her arm that’s carrying Toby and Lorna says, ‘Do
you need help carrying things up to the flat?’ and Mummy says, ‘No, no, we’ll be fine, thanks,’ and then Lorna and Paige have to go.

  But I don’t think we are fine cos when we get across the road Toby keeps wriggling and crying and Mummy’s bags keep slipping off her arms and she keeps blowing out big breaths and it takes for ages to get to our house cos Mummy has to keep stopping.

  We stand in front of the big black door and I see the bit where the paint is scratched off and the bit at the bottom of the door that’s all bashed and I reach out my fingers and I feel the cold, bumpy metal on the doorknob and Mummy pushes the door open and it’s dark and smelly inside like a bear cave and Mummy says, ‘Shh,’ but I already remembered we have to be quiet, but not cos there’s a bear in the cave, cos it’s not really a cave and there’s not any bears here, it’s cos there’s a shouty man ahind one of the doors. But Toby’s not remembered cos he’s still wriggling and crying and if he’s not quiet soon the shouty man might come out.

  Mummy stands at the bottom of the stairs, breathing and breathing, and I say, ‘Why aren’t we going up?’

  Mummy says, ‘Just catching my breath first.’

  I say, ‘How do you catch your breath?’ And I put my hands out in front of my mouth and breathe on them and I look but I can’t see if I’ve catched it cos you can’t see breath, cept when it’s shivery-cold.

  Afore Mummy can tell me how to do it, the big, black door bangs open and a man bashes past us and runs up the stairs and then the shopping bag is on the floor and I can see the bread and the milk and two apples roll out and Mummy makes a moaning sound and drops her head down and she just stands and looks at the bag on the floor with everything spilled out of it and it’s going dark again cos the big door is closing but then the dark stops and it goes light again and I hear jingle-jingle-jingle and I jump round and shout, ‘NANDINI!’ and I’m smiling and smiling and smiling cos Nandini is right there and she’s picking up all the spilled things and she says, ‘I thought I saw you go past. You were going to text me for a lift home!’ and Mummy says, ‘They let me go earlier than I thought. You’ve already taken loads of time away from the shop,’ and Nandini says, ‘We’ve been over that one, Tina. It’s never any trouble,’ and she picks up the shopping bag and she takes Mummy’s other bags and she tries to take Toby too but he wraps his arms tight as tight around Mummy’s neck and shouts, ‘GO ’WAY!’ and pushes his face into Mummy’s chest and I think Nandini will be cross cos he shouted but she laughs and strokes his head and we all go up the stairs together.