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by Amanda Berriman

  I hear STOMP, STOMP, STOMP on the stairs and the Money Man’s head pops up above the railing and his face is mean and Mummy steps backwards and he says, ‘I want you out by ten a.m. on the twenty-first. I’ve someone else moving in, so if you give me any trouble I’ll have the bailiffs round to remove you.’

  Mummy whispers, ‘You can’t do that.’

  The Money Man points to Mummy and says, ‘That bit of paper says I can, darling,’ and he smiles but it’s not a nice smile and then he turns and stomps back down the stairs.

  Mummy stands still like a statue. The letter is on the floor next to her foot. I pick it up and I hold it out and I say, ‘You dropped your letter, Mummy.’

  Mummy turns round and takes the letter and says, ‘Oh, Jesika!’ and she holds my hand and pulls me back into our house and she bangs the door shut even though it doesn’t need to be banged any more and then she sits on the sofa and she doesn’t say anything, not even when Toby knocks my tower over and says, ‘Aboo!’

  I say, ‘Are you OK, Mummy?’ Mummy nods her head and does some big breaths in and out and then she shakes her head and she says, ‘That stupid woman told me to complain, so I did, right away, that afternoon. I got it all down in writing like she said. Made it official.’ Mummy breathes and breathes. ‘And now we don’t have anywhere to live.’

  I say, ‘What do you mean, Mummy?’

  Mummy shakes the letter in her hand and says, ‘This letter says we have to leave our flat in two weeks. TWO WEEKS!’ She stands up then sits down again then rubs her hands through her hair. ‘How am I going to find us somewhere new? It was hard enough finding this place.’

  Mummy’s face is scrunched up like she’s worried, but I think she’s forgotted that you can live in other people’s houses when you can’t live in your own house and I say, ‘We can ask Duncan and Jane if we can live in their house. It’s got lots of bedrooms and it’s got a garden and there’s a trampoline and a bird house.’

  Mummy looks at me surprised and then she cuddles me hard and says, ‘I wish you were in charge of the world, Jesika.’

  There’s a buzzing sound and Mummy stops cuddling and she picks her phone up from the table and she stands up and puts it to her ear and says, ‘Hiya, yes, yes, we’re all fine. Well, sort of.’ And then she walks into the kitchen and I go back to the bricks and build another tower and I can hear Mummy saying about the letter and finding a new house to live in. Maybe it’ll be a house like in the Tilly books, or maybe a huge one like Duncan and Jane’s or it might be one like Paige’s with flowers on the wall. I hear Mummy say, ‘There just aren’t enough houses!’ and I think maybe that means someone needs to build some more houses and that remembers me about the story of the three pigs who all go and build houses and maybe what we should do is find a nice man with some bricks and ask him if we can have some and we can build ourselves a new house like the pigs did. But as long as it’s bricks and not straw or sticks cos they aren’t any good for houses.

  Toby says, ‘Aboo!’ and knocks my tower over and giggles.

  And it has to be proper house bricks and we have to stick them together with glue or Toby or anybody might just come and knock it all down.

  I push some bricks to Toby and say, ‘You build a tower, Toby?’

  Toby picks a brick up and then he throws it down and he shouts, ‘No! GO ’WAY!’ and he rolls over onto his belly and hides his face. Has he forgotted that he likes building towers?

  When Mummy comes back through, she’s smiling and smiling and I say, ‘You look happy, Mummy,’ and Mummy smiles even more bigger and says, ‘Relieved, Jesika, but yes, that is a kind of happy. Ryan’s said if we can’t find another house straight away, we can stay at his flat.’

  I say, ‘Do you mean live with Ryan?’ My belly squeezes. I don’t want to live with Ryan. I don’t like his scary face.

  Mummy says, ‘No, not with him. That would be a bit … weird.’

  I say, ‘Does that mean horrible?’

  Mummy laughs and says, ‘No, it means strange. I know he’s nice and his flat is much better than this one, but it would be strange to share it with him. He’s very kindly said he’ll stay with Lorna and Paige until we find somewhere else.’

  I say, ‘So it’s just me and you and Toby going to live in his flat?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes.’

  I say, ‘And Ryan isn’t living there too.’

  Mummy says, ‘No, he’s going to live with Lorna and Paige.’

  I say, ‘Good,’ and my belly stops squeezing. But then I think maybe it’s not good cos maybe Paige doesn’t like Ryan too. And it’s remembered me that I’ve not asked Mummy about the naughty thing.

  I say, ‘Mummy, why is it naughty to tell someone to stop hurting someone?’

  Mummy’s holding her phone up to her ear again and she says, ‘Mmm? What was that, Jesika?’ and then she says, ‘Hold on, ask me again in a minute, poppet.’ And then she walks back into the kitchen and she’s not saying anything so I shout, ‘Mummy?’ And Mummy says, ‘Shh, Jesika, I’m trying to listen.’

  Toby’s got his eyes closed and he’s breathing slow and slow like he’s sleeping. Is he pretending? That’s one of Toby’s games. He says, ‘Do bed, Des-des,’ and that means getting his covers and his Zebra and covering him up like a real bed and he pretends to sleep and I pretend to read him bedtime stories. Maybe he wants me to play that game today. I get down on the floor and put my face close to his and I say, ‘Do bed, Toby?’ but he doesn’t answer me. He just breathes and breathes. I think he really is asleep.

  I have a good idea! I run into the bedroom and pull his covers out of his cot and over the stripy bars and go back into the living room and tuck the covers over him. Then I get Zebra and tuck him aside Toby. Then I get Baby Annabelle too cos I think she wants to cuddle Toby so he feels better. Then I go to the bookshelf and I pick out my fayvrit Tilly book, and when I come back, Toby’s squeezing Zebra and Baby Annabelle in a cuddle so maybe he’s not quite asleep. I turn the pages of the book and I say what’s happening in all the pictures but I can’t really tell the story like Mummy does cos I don’t know what all the words say but I don’t think Toby minds and he doesn’t tell me to go away.

  I close the book at the end and Toby rolls over and opens his eyes and closes them and says, ‘Foh, fee, foh, fy, wonsa, wonsa fish a-ly,’ and his voice is singy and that’s cos we always do a song after the story. He sings it again, ‘Foh, fee, foh, fy, wonsa, wonsa fish a-ly,’ and I giggle and I say, ‘That’s not a song, Toby!’ and then he sings it again and he’s still got his eyes closed but he’s pointing at his fingers and I was wrong cos it is a song and I know which one! And I lie down on my belly next to Toby and I say, ‘It goes like this, Toby,’ and I point at his fingers and I sing, ‘One, two, three-four-five, once I caught a fish alive,’ and then I stop cos I can’t remember what comes next.

  Toby smiles and says, ‘Foh, fee, foh, fy,’ and his voice is just a whisper now and then he’s just breathing and breathing and I say, ‘Let’s sing it again, Toby,’ but he doesn’t sing with me this time and then Mummy comes back into the room and she blows a big breath out of her mouth and then she sees me and Toby on the floor and she smiles and says, ‘Aw, did Toby ask for a bed?’

  I shake my head and I say, ‘I just thinked it was a good idea cos he’s sleeping.’

  Mummy sits down on the floor next to me and strokes Toby’s head and he doesn’t move at all and his mouth is open a little bit and he’s breathing slow and slow.

  I say, ‘Is it good that he’s sleeping?’ cos sometimes it makes Mummy cross and sometimes it doesn’t.

  Mummy smiles and says, ‘Yes, it’s good. Every time he’s sleeping he’s getting a little bit better.’

  Mummy cuddles me tight and says, ‘So, what was it you were asking me, Jesika?’

  I say, ‘What do you mean?’ cos I wasn’t asking Mummy, I was singing with Toby.

  Mummy says, ‘Before. You asked me something when I was on the phone.’
/>   I think hard and hard but I don’t think I asked Mummy a question, did I?

  Mummy smiles and says, ‘Never mind. If it’s important it’ll come back to you.’

  I pick up the Tilly story and I say, ‘Can you read it to me?’ and she does and when she’s finished I remember I do have something important to ask Mummy.

  I say, ‘Mummy, do you know the rest of the fish alive song?’

  22

  IT’S MY TURN to cuddle with Mummy on the sofa cos Toby’s asleep and that means he can’t push me and tell me to go away. He’s on the sofa too next to Mummy cos Mummy said it was more comfy than the floor and she moved him there and he didn’t even wake. I want him to be asleep for ages so I can cuddle Mummy for a long-a-long time.

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  I look at the door and Mummy is looking at the door too and she’s not answering it. Is it the Money Man again?

  I whisper, ‘Is it—’

  Mummy says, ‘Shh!’ and puts her finger to her lips.

  Bang! Bang! Bang!

  Toby wakes up and cries and Mummy lifts him onto her knee and now we can’t cuddle.

  I want the Money Man to go away and leave us alone.

  SNAP!

  The letterhole.

  ‘Tina? It’s Ryan.’

  Mummy huffs out a big breath and stands up, still holding Toby, and says, ‘It’s OK. It’s Ryan,’ and she smiles.

  I don’t smile. I was cuddling Mummy. And I forgotted to ask Mummy about the naughty thing. Will Ryan tell Mummy I said it? Will Mummy be cross with me? I have to tell Mummy I don’t know why it’s naughty and then she might not shout and she might explain it to me.

  Mummy opens the door and says, ‘Come in,’ and Ryan is there smiling and he holds up a bag and says, ‘I bring chips!’ and I can smell them and I look at Mummy cos I don’t know if we’re allowed chips and she doesn’t know I had chips the other day but she’s smiling and she says, ‘You’re a star, Ryan,’ and she shuts the door, click, and I say, ‘Leon fixed the door,’ and Ryan looks surprised and Mummy says, ‘It was a bit tricky to close before.’

  Ryan puts the chips bag on the little table and he’s holding two other bags, and one of the bags is mine! How did he get that?

  I run over and say, ‘That’s mine!’

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika!’ and I remember that Ryan has a mean face and I hide ahind Mummy cos I don’t want to see it but Ryan laughs and Mummy laughs.

  Ryan says, ‘I didn’t steal it, Jesika. I’ve brought back all the stuff you left at Lorna’s.’

  Mummy says, ‘Silly sausage,’ and I peep round Mummy’s back and Ryan’s still smiling and he’s holding out my bag for me so I take it and Para-Ted’s paw is sticking out and I’d forgotted about him! I pull him out and I run over and hide him in the pram with Baby Annabelle and then I run and hide the bag in the bedroom just in case Ryan tries to steal it again and I run back out and Mummy’s put Toby down and she’s holding the chips bag and Toby’s shouting, ‘Up! Up! UP!’

  Mummy says, ‘Do you want a brew?’

  Ryan says, ‘Let me do it. You should be resting.’

  Mummy says, ‘No, it’s fine. I’ll only be a minute,’ and she turns and tries to walk to the kitchen but Toby runs over and wraps his arms around her leg so she can’t move. She tries to lift him off and she says, ‘Come on, poppet. Stay here with Ryan while I make the tea.’ But Toby won’t let go and when Ryan crouches down to talk to him Toby shouts, ‘GO ’WAY!’ and hides his head ahind Mummy’s leg and cries.

  Mummy says, ‘He’s not quite himself yet.’

  I say, ‘He says “go away” to everyone, cept Mummy.’

  Ryan puts his hand into the other bag he’s still holding and he says, ‘I know what’ll do the trick,’ and he pulls out something and I can’t see what it is cos he turns round and crouches down and I can only see his back.

  I look at Mummy and say, ‘What is it?’ and Mummy lifts her shoulders up and down like she doesn’t know either but she’s smiling so I think it’s going to be something nice.

  HOOT! HOOT! Chuffa-chuffa-chuffa …

  What was that?

  HOOT! HOOT! Chuffa-chuffa-chuffa …

  Toby lets go of Mummy’s legs and he claps his hands and he says, ‘Thom-Thom!’ And he’s right cos atween Ryan’s legs there’s a Thomas train chuffing across the carpet.

  Mummy says, ‘You didn’t buy that, did you, Ryan?’

  Ryan stands up and turns round and Ryan’s smiling at Mummy and Mummy’s smiling at Ryan and he lifts his shoulders up and down and he says, ‘It’s not new. I just spotted it in the charity shop on the way over.’

  I look at Toby crawling after the Thomas train across the carpet. Did Ryan bring something for me too?

  Ryan puts his hand back into the bag and he says, ‘I bet you’re wondering if I brought you something, Jesika.’ And that’s just what I thinked! How did he know that?

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, Ryan, you didn’t need to.’

  Ryan puts the bag ahind his back and I can hear the bag crunching and crackling and then he says, ‘I know how much you like playing pirates and how much you like dressing up, so …’ He smiles a very big smile. The bag floats to the ground ahind his back then he brings one hand round and he’s holding a pirate hat and a pirate eye-patch and then he brings his other hand round and he’s holding a pirate sword. I can dress up as a fierce girl pirate!

  Mummy says, ‘That’s so thoughtful of you. Thank you,’ and she presses her hand to her mouth and then she turns away and she walks to the kitchen with the chips bag and she says, ‘I’ll just make the tea,’ and Toby doesn’t even follow her this time cos he’s too busy playing with the Thomas train.

  Ryan holds the hat and the eye-patch and the sword out to me and I reach out to take them and I’m smiling and smiling but when I pull them Ryan doesn’t let go. He crouches down and he’s not smiling now and he says, ‘I just need to know that you’ve been a good girl, Jesika.’

  My heart thumps. I have been good. I haven’t said the naughty thing. But I still don’t know why it’s naughty.

  He says, ‘Have you, Jesika?’

  I nod.

  Ryan keeps looking at something ahind me. I turn and look but it’s only Toby crawling after his Thomas. I can’t see Mummy. I can only hear the kettle whooshing in the kitchen.

  Ryan puts his mouth close to my ear and his breath is hot and he says, ‘And you haven’t said the naughty thing to anyone?’

  I shake my head. I haven’t said it cos I keep forgetting to ask Mummy.

  Ryan says, ‘Because I can keep bringing you toys. But I’ll only do that if you don’t ever say it to anyone. Do you understand?’

  I nod cos I know that means I can’t tell it to anyone, not even Mummy.

  And then I shake my head, cos …

  Ryan says, ‘Why are you shaking your head?’

  I shake my head again. I can not say it to Paige and I can not say it to Lorna, but I have to say it to Mummy cos she has to tell me why it’s naughty and then I won’t have to say it again ever.

  Ryan says, ‘Not ever to anyone, Jesika. Do you understand?’ A drop of water is running down the side of his head. Did he get wet in the rain? He lets go of the pirate costume and all the bits drop to the floor and he grabs my hands and squeezes hard and it hurts but I can’t say cos his eyes are zapping and he’s made his teeth scary like a wolf. My belly whizzes round and round and my heart thumps and thumps and I need to tell him to stop cos I don’t like it but he pulls me close and he presses my hands against his jumper and it’s soft and he whispers, ‘Because if you tell your Mummy, she’ll be so angry and maybe she’ll have to send you away to live with someone else again. Is that what you want?’ and his hot breath puffs in my nose and I don’t like the smell and I don’t want to breathe it but I can’t stop my nose breathing and my belly feels scary like monsters under the bed and Mummy and Toby in hopsipal and I don’t want to live with someone else again and I want Ryan to stop squeezing
and hurting and scaring.

  I say, ‘No,’ but my voice is squeaky and he doesn’t stop squeezing and I need to use my Big Voice and say the words Kali says you have to say but I can’t remember them and I say, ‘No,’ again but my voice is still tiny and shaky and I try to look ahind me to see Mummy but he tugs my arms back and I say, ‘No,’ again and my voice is a bit bigger and I say, ‘No. No. No!’

  NO-NO-NO-NO-Let-go-LET-GO-BITE!

  I’m on my bottom on the floor and Ryan is rubbing his hand and his mouth is a big ‘Oh!’ and someone’s picking me up and cuddling me and it’s Mummy and she says, ‘What was that all about?’

  I push my face into Mummy’s jumper.

  Ryan says, ‘I’m sorry, she didn’t want to put the costume on and I was persuading her to give it a go. I didn’t mean to upset her.’

  That’s not right! I push my face harder into Mummy. She pushes me back a little til she can see my face and she says, ‘Jesika? What happened?’

  I push my face back into Mummy’s jumper.

  Ryan says, ‘It’s been a tough few days for you all. Maybe I should just …’

  Mummy says, ‘No. Don’t go,’ and she blows out a fast breath and I think she sounds cross and then she pushes me back so she can look at me and I don’t want to look and I stare at her knees and she says, ‘Jesika, was it like Stella and Jane? Did you bite Ryan because you felt scared?’ and her voice isn’t cross and I look at her face and it isn’t cross too and I nod.

  Ryan says, ‘I didn’t mean to scare you, Jesika.’

  Mummy says, ‘Why were you scared?’

  Ryan says, ‘This is all my fault. I made a pirate face and it must have been too scary. Lorna tells me off all the time for making faces that are too scary. I’m so sorry, Jesika.’

  I don’t know what Ryan means. He didn’t make a scary pirate face. He made a mean face and he hurted my hand and he wouldn’t let go cos of the naughty thing.

  Mummy says, ‘Oh, Jesika. You have to tell people to stop if you don’t like something. Remember? You only bite if they won’t stop and nothing else is working. OK?’ And she cuddles me again and my mouth is close to Mummy’s ear and I say, ‘He didn’t stop. He got so so cross.’ And he told me I would have to live with someone else, but I don’t want to tell Mummy that cos I’m thinking about Mummy and Toby cuddling and Toby telling me to go away and maybe Mummy will think it’s a good idea.