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by Amanda Berriman

I say, ‘I’ve forgotted,’ and I pick up the car again and whizz it along the floor.

  The oven beeps and Nandini lifts a blue pot out of the oven and it’s time to go and Mummy says, ‘Do you think I should be worried?’ and she’s frowning and looking at the pot that Nandini’s put on the cooker and I don’t know why Mummy is worried cos it smells yummy.

  Nandini says, ‘It might just be a phase. There’s been a lot of upheaval and uncertainty, for both of them.’

  Mummy says, ‘I don’t think she really forgot what she was going to say.’

  I say, ‘Who forgot, Mummy?’

  Nandini laughs and says, ‘You’ve got sharp ears, Boss,’ and I touch my ears but they’re not sharp, they’re soft and bendy and I giggle and tell Nandini she’s silly.

  Emma says, ‘You know her best. Trust your gut. Ask her again later when there are no distractions.’

  I say, ‘Who are you asking, Mummy?’ and Mummy says, ‘I wish you would listen this well when I’m asking you to put your shoes on!’ and everyone laughs and then it’s time to go home and Emma comes with us to help carry the blue pot all the way up the stairs and my belly keeps growling like it’s saying hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, and then at last we’re eating Ade’s tea and it’s cheesy pasta and big chunks of bacon and Mummy says it’s mackerony cheese and it’s the most yummy tea ever!

  I say, ‘Mummy, can you make this?’

  Mummy says, ‘Maybe one day when we have an oven that works.’

  I say, ‘Will our new house have an oven that works?’

  Mummy says, ‘We don’t have a new house yet, poppet.’

  I say, ‘But will it?’

  Mummy says, ‘Maybe. We’ll see,’ and then she lifts Toby out of his high chair and takes our empty plates into the kitchen to wash. Toby follows and pulls at Mummy’s trousers and says, ‘Up, up, up!’ and Mummy says, ‘Jesika, see if you can get Toby playing something while I wash these dishes,’ and I say, ‘What do you want to play, Toby?’ and Toby says, ‘Go ’way!’

  I have a think about what games Toby likes and that remembers me about playing with Dharesh and I thinked at Nandini’s that Toby would like the car game so I run to the toy box and I get two cars and I sit on the scratchy carpet just outside the kitchen where Toby can see me and I crash them together. Toby looks and smiles. I hold the cars out to Toby so he can have a turn but he turns and hides his face in Mummy’s trousers. I crash them again, but they don’t crash fast like on Nandini’s kitchen floor. I rub my hand on the scratchy carpet. It tickles my hand. I lean over and rub the kitchen floor. It’s smooth and cold. Maybe cars can’t go fast when they’re being tickled. I crawl into the kitchen and push one of the cars across the kitchen floor. It skids and spins super fast!

  Mummy says, ‘Not in here, Jesika. You’ll get right under my feet.’

  I say, ‘But the cars go fast in here!’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, and they’ll also get broken when I accidentally stand on them because you’re pushing them under my feet.’

  But I’m not pushing them under Mummy’s feet. I’m pushing them around her feet. I open my mouth to tell Mummy but she says, ‘Somewhere else, Jesika,’ afore I can say it.

  I think and then I pick the cars up and say to Toby, ‘Come on, Toby, I’ve got a good idea!’ and I run into the bathroom cos the bathroom carpet isn’t scratchy and tickly, but the cars don’t go fast. I rub my hand on the bathroom carpet. It’s smooth but it’s not cold. Maybe cars need smooth and cold. But only the kitchen floor is smooth and cold.

  I know!

  I pick up one of the cars and balance it on the edge of the bath and then push it and it zooms down into the bath and skids and spins fast as fast. I lean over the edge and pick it up and then I balance one car at each end and then push one and hop to the other end and push the other and they both zoom down into the bath and they flip and spin and CRASH! It works!

  ‘Me! Des-des, me!’

  I spin round and Toby is leaning over the bath trying to reach the cars but his arms are too little so I pick them out and he takes one and I take one and we put our cars at different ends of the bath and I say, ‘Three, two, one, GO!’ and we push the cars into the bath and they spin and skid and flip and CRASH!

  Toby giggles and giggles and says, ‘Again, Des-des!’ and so we do it again and again and again and again and we’re both giggling and giggling til Mummy comes into the bathroom and says, ‘What are you two doing in here?’ and I think she’s going to be so cross cos we’re not apposed to crash cars in the bath but then she’s laughing too and then Mummy goes and gets another car and now we’re crashing three cars in the bath and it’s so much fun!

  After, when Toby’s in bed and me and Mummy are sitting on the sofa and Mummy’s brushing all the tugs out of my hair, Mummy says, ‘You were brilliant with Toby today. He’s so lucky to have a big sister like you,’ and I smile and smile and inside me everything is warm like sunshine and Mummy says, ‘I told you he’d stop being grumpy soon, didn’t I?’ And Mummy did tell me. And Toby didn’t tell me to go away, not even when I gave him a kiss and a cuddle and a stroke at bedtime.

  Mummy keeps brushing and it’s not tuggy now, it’s tickly-shivery.

  Mummy says, ‘So, you know, it’ll be the same with Paige. I’m sure she’ll be feeling better at preschool on Monday and then maybe you can play something with her that she really likes and you’ll be best friends again in no time.’

  The warm sunshine inside me goes away and my belly squeezes.

  Mummy’s wrong.

  I want to tell Mummy about Ryan hurting Paige’s belly again.

  Mummy says, ‘What do you think is Paige’s favourite game?’

  I don’t want Mummy to shout and tell me to get a new Mummy.

  Mummy says, ‘What about hide and seek? Lorna says she loves that.’

  Paige says you have to have sweeties to play hide and seek but Ryan didn’t give her sweeties today and it’s cos I said the naughty thing.

  Mummy says, ‘And you like playing it too, don’t you?’

  What if I take some sweeties to give to Paige? Maybe she won’t be cross with me then?

  I say, ‘Can I have some sweeties?’

  Mummy laughs and she stops brushing so she can cough and cough and then she says, ‘No! It’s almost bedtime!’

  I say, ‘But I need them for preschool to play hide and seek with Paige.’

  Mummy says, ‘Why do you need sweeties for hide and seek?’

  I say, ‘Cos that’s how Paige plays it and Ryan didn’t give her sweeties today cos he’s sad and cross.’

  Mummy brushes my hair again and she says, ‘What do you mean?’

  I say, ‘Ryan’s sad and cross and so he didn’t give Paige sweeties and it’s my fault.’

  Mummy says, ‘That’s silly, Jesika. Why would that be your fault?’

  I don’t want to say. I don’t want Mummy to be cross.

  Mummy says, ‘Jesika …’ She stops brushing and she breathes in and out and then she says, ‘Jesika, there’s something you’re not telling me, and I’d really like you to tell me what it is.’

  My belly whizzes round. I whisper, ‘I don’t want to.’

  Mummy says, ‘But you know you can tell me anything, don’t you? You’ve always told me anything.’

  I turn round and push my face into Mummy’s jumper and breathe and breathe and breathe.

  Mummy presses her mouth on my head and then says, ‘Tell me, what’s the scariest thing of all?’

  I sit up again and look at Mummy. I know those words, but they’re not Mummy’s words. Mummy’s eyes are shiny and she blinks and blinks and her mouth is making a funny shape and she holds my chin in her hand and she says, ‘That’s what Bab-bab always said, wasn’t it? She always said if you say the scariest thing of all, it scares it away and then nothing else is so scary.’

  I know what the scariest thing of all is.

  Ahind Mummy, Bab-bab blinks her eyes, one-two-three, and I reach out my hand, and
then she’s gone.

  I whisper, ‘I don’t want to live with someone else. I want to live with you. I don’t want to go away again.’

  Mummy cuddles me tight and says, ‘Oh, Jesika. You’re not going away again. I’m back and Toby’s back and we’re all together now. Always together, OK?’

  But it’s not OK, cos that’s not what I meaned. I meaned cos Paige’s belly hurts and she won’t be better and be my friend cos Ryan keeps hurting her and I have to tell Mummy to tell him to stop so Paige can be my friend again but I can’t tell Mummy cos it’s a naughty thing to say and if I say the naughty thing Mummy will be so cross and she’ll tell me to live with someone else cos Ryan said so.

  I say, ‘But if I be naughty …’ and my lips wobble and I don’t know what to say next cos there’s so many words to say.

  Mummy puts her hands on my shoulders and rubs her thumbs round and round and she says, ‘Jesika,’ and her voice is telling me to look and I do and her eyes are telling me to listen and she says, ‘If you’re naughty, I’ll tell you and we’ll talk about it. I won’t send you away. Even when I’m cross, you know I still love you always and your home is still always with me and Toby. Understand?’

  I don’t understand. Is it like when Ryan said he hurted Paige’s head when he actually hurted her belly? Are grown-ups allowed to say things that are not true? Mummy blinks one-two-three and my eyes sting and sting and it’s all hurty inside and Mummy strokes her hands down my arms and holds my hands and she says, ‘Why would you ever think that I would let you go somewhere else? You’re my beautiful girl,’ and she looks at me and her eyes blink again, but more slow, one – two – three.

  I say, ‘That’s what Ryan said.’

  Mummy smiles and frowns all at the same time and says, ‘Ryan said you’re his beautiful girl?’ and I didn’t know Mummy’s voice could be spiky and smiley at the same time.

  I say, ‘No, he said I would go away. Was he saying something not true? Like when he said he hurted Paige’s head and not her belly?’

  Mummy says, ‘No, poppet, he did actually hurt her head, not her belly.’

  I say, ‘But Paige’s belly hurts and it’s always hurting cos—’ I stop. I almost said the naughty thing!

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, because of the urine infections.’ And then Mummy sits up straight and turns to me and squeezes my hands and smiles and says, ‘Jesika, when did Ryan say you had to go away?’

  I say, ‘When he bringed the pirate costume.’

  Mummy says, ‘And what did he actually say?’

  My heart thumps and thumps cos this is the scary thing again and I don’t like it. Mummy strokes her thumbs round and round on my hands and says, ‘Just say the scariest thing, Jesika, and then it won’t be scary, remember?’

  I look down at my hands and I watch Mummy’s thumbs going round and round and round and I say, ‘He said if I told you the naughty thing, you would be cross and you would tell me to live with someone else.’

  Mummy’s thumbs stop stroking.

  I look up. She’s still smiling.

  She says, ‘Do you think it might have been a joke that you didn’t understand?’

  I say, ‘No, cos his face was scary and he said it mean and he hurted me.’

  Mummy breathes in and out and her lips wobble and she presses them together. Is she cross? She smiles and squeezes my hands. No, not cross.

  She says, ‘There, see? You’ve told me the scariest thing of all and nothing bad has happened.’ And then she says, ‘I think now you should tell me what this naughty thing is.’

  I don’t want to. That’s scary too.

  Mummy says, ‘I promise I won’t shout and I promise I won’t be cross and I promise you’re not going to live anywhere else.’

  And it’s still scary but Mummy promised so it’s OK to say it, isn’t it? She won’t shout or be cross or make me live somewhere else. She promised. I can tell Mummy. Can’t I?

  Mummy says, ‘You can tell me anything, Jesika.’

  I can tell Mummy anything.

  I say, ‘Ryan keeps poking Paige’s belly all the time and she doesn’t like it cos it hurts and she told me and I told Ryan to stop and say sorry and he got so cross and he hurted me and told me it was a naughty thing to say and I wasn’t to say it to anyone not ever cos you’d all be cross and I’d be in big trouble and then another time I thinked that I could ask you why it was naughty and he got cross and hurted me again and he said you would tell me to live with someone else if I ever ever said it.’

  Mummy’s hands are squeezing tight-tight-tight and her eyes go small and I can’t see her lips and her face is scary.

  I’ve said the naughty thing.

  She’s going to shout.

  I say, ‘Sorry, sorry, sorry!’ and I’m crying and crying and trying to cuddle Mummy cos I don’t want to live with someone else but she’s pushing me away and her face is tiger-fierce and she says, ‘No, NO, NO! Don’t you dare say sorry! Don’t you DARE!’ and she’s so so cross and then she cuddles me so so tight and she doesn’t say anything for a long-a-long time, just breathes fast and fast and fast.

  After for ages, when her breathing is slow and she’s not squashing me so much, she lets go and she sits back and she holds my hands and she smiles but it’s wobbly and her eyes aren’t smiley, they’re red and sore like she’s rubbed them too hard. My belly squeezes and hurts cos I said the naughty thing and Mummy promised she wouldn’t be cross but she was cos it must be such a naughty thing.

  Mummy says, ‘I promised not to shout and then I did,’ and her voice is shaky and she stops and breathes and then she says, ‘But I’m not angry with you, darling. You did the right thing to tell me that. It was not naughty. It was not naughty at all.’

  I don’t understand.

  Mummy breathes and breathes and says, ‘That’s all I’m saying for now. You’re not in any trouble, OK?’

  I nod and Mummy strokes her hand down my face, gentle and soft.

  Mummy says, ‘Tell me about the sweeties.’

  I say, ‘What sweeties?’

  Mummy says, ‘You said that Paige didn’t get her sweeties today because Ryan was cross. Does he give her sweeties every day?’

  I say, ‘I think only when they play hide and seek,’ cos that’s what Paige said.

  Mummy says, ‘You mean Paige has to find the sweeties?’

  I say, ‘No, Paige says you hide and then you get found and be a special-good-girl and then you get sweeties.’

  Mummy breathes in fast.

  I say, ‘Do you think that means you have to do really good hiding?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes. Yes, I’m sure that’s what it means.’

  I say, ‘So maybe Paige didn’t do good hiding today and that’s why she didn’t get her sweeties?’

  Mummy says, ‘Yes, yes, maybe that’s why.’

  She stands up quick and runs into the bathroom, and she doesn’t come back for ages so I run after her and she’s bending over the sink and splashing water on her face.

  I say, ‘What are you doing, Mummy?’

  Mummy stands up and dries her face on the towel and says, ‘I needed to clean my face. Come on, poppet,’ and she holds out her hand and we go and snuggle on the sofa again.

  Mummy says, ‘Did you get sweeties when you played hide and seek with Ryan?’

  I say, ‘No, and anyway Paige says I’m not allowed to be Ryan’s special-good-girl cos that’s only her and not me.’

  Mummy breathes in big and blows out slow.

  She says, ‘Do you remember what I told you and Toby about private pants?’

  I giggle cos Mummy said pants. Mummy smiles but then her smile goes away again and she says, ‘Jesika, I need you to think very carefully. Can you point to where your private parts are?’

  I point to my bottom and say, ‘Private pants,’ and I make a farty noise and giggle but Mummy doesn’t laugh.

  Mummy says, ‘Has anyone ever …’ She stops and closes her eyes and then opens them again and smiles and s
ays, ‘Has anyone ever touched you where your pants are?’

  I giggle and I say, ‘No!’ cos that’s silly and then I remember hiding with Paige under the slide at preschool the other day and I say, ‘Paige did this,’ and I push my hand in and out of Mummy’s legs quick and I say, ‘But only on my trousers and not on my pants. And then she holded my hand and did this,’ and I pull Mummy’s hand to my belly and pull my pyjama bottoms down a little bit but Mummy pulls her hand away and says, ‘I get the idea, Jesika.’

  I say, ‘And then Tamanna told us to stop hiding. And you’re not apposed to touch other people’s pants, are you?’

  Mummy says, ‘No, you’re not.’

  I say, ‘Do you think Paige doesn’t know that?’

  Mummy blows out a long, long breath and then says, ‘I think there’s a lot Paige doesn’t know.’

  I say, ‘What doesn’t she know?’

  Mummy says, ‘It’s too complicated to explain tonight, poppet. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do first. I promise I’ll explain it another day.’

  Mummy wipes both her hands down her face and she looks sad. I squeeze up close and I say, ‘I love you, Mummy.’

  She says, ‘I love you, too.’

  In the bedroom, Mummy tucks me in and I say, ‘Are you coming to bed now, Mummy?’ and Mummy says, ‘Not yet, darling, but soon,’ and she cuddles me and kisses me and she says, ‘You were so brave telling me all your scary things tonight, Jesika. I’m so proud of you. I hope it doesn’t feel scary any more.’

  It doesn’t feel scary. It feels something else. I think about Kali and the Feelings Dollies at preschool and I say, ‘Mummy, I feel sad.’

  Mummy says, ‘Why do you feel sad?’

  I say, ‘Cos Paige isn’t my friend and cos Ryan hurted her.’

  Mummy says, ‘I’m going to try and fix that, poppet. I promise.’

  And then she whispers the moon words in my ear and she whispers, ‘I love you,’ and everything is warm and soft and all the bedtime noises, like the cars and the people and the music, aren’t so loud tonight cos I can hear Toby breathing slow and slow and my eyes are sleepy and I whisper, ‘I love you too.’

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