St. Ronan's Well

by Walter Scott

  CHAPTER XIII.

  DISAPPOINTMENT.

  _Evans._ I pray you now, good Master Slender's serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius?

  _Slender._ Marry, sir, the City-ward, the Park-ward, every way; Old Windsor way, and every way.

  _Merry Wives of Windsor._

  Sir Bingo Binks received the Captain's communication with the samedogged sullenness he had displayed at sending the challenge; a mostungracious _humph_, ascending, as it were, from the very bottom of hisstomach, through the folds of a Belcher handkerchief, intimating hisacquiescence, in a tone nearly as gracious as that with which the drowsytraveller acknowledges the intimation of the slipshod ostler, that it ison the stroke of five, and the horn will sound in a minute. CaptainMacTurk by no means considered this ejaculation as expressing a properestimate of his own trouble and services. "Humph?" he replied; "and whatdoes that mean, Sir Bingo? Have not I here had the trouble to put youjust into the neat road; and would you have been able to make a handsomeaffair out of it at all, after you had let it hang so long in the wind,if I had not taken on myself to make it agreeable to the gentleman, andcooked as neat a mess out of it as I have seen a Frenchman do out of astale sprat?"

  Sir Bingo saw it was necessary to mutter some intimation of acquiescenceand acknowledgment, which, however inarticulate, was sufficient tosatisfy the veteran, to whom the adjustment of a personal affair of thiskind was a labour of love, and who now, kindly mindful of his promise toTyrrel, hurried away as if he had been about the most charitable actionupon earth, to secure the attendance of some one as a witness on thestranger's part.

  Mr. Winterblossom was the person whom MacTurk had in his own mindpitched upon as the fittest person to perform this act of benevolence,and he lost no time in communicating his wish to that worthy gentleman.But Mr. Winterblossom, though a man of the world, and well enoughacquainted with such matters, was by no means so passionately addictedto them as was the man of peace, Captain Hector MacTurk. As a _bonvivant_, he hated trouble of any kind, and the shrewd selfishness of hisdisposition enabled him to foresee, that a good deal might accrue to allconcerned in the course of this business. He, therefore, coolly replied,that he knew nothing of Mr. Tyrrel--not even whether he was a gentlemanor not; and besides, he had received no regular application in hisbehalf--he did not, therefore, feel himself at all inclined to go to thefield as his second. This refusal drove the poor Captain to despair. Heconjured his friend to be more public-spirited, and entreated him toconsider the reputation of the Well, which was to them as a commoncountry, and the honour of the company to which they both belonged, andof which Mr. Winterblossom was in a manner the proper representative, asbeing, with consent of all, the perpetual president. He reminded himhow many quarrels had been nightly undertaken and departed from on theensuing morning, without any suitable consequences--said, "that peoplebegan to talk of the place oddly; and that, for his own part, he foundhis own honour so nearly touched, that he had begun to think he himselfwould be obliged to bring somebody or other to account, for the generalcredit of the Well; and now, just when the most beautiful occasion hadarisen to put every thing on a handsome footing, it was hard--it wascruel--it was most unjustifiable--in Mr. Winterblossom, to decline sosimple a matter as was requested of him."

  Dry and taciturn as the Captain was on all ordinary occasions, heproved, on the present, eloquent and almost pathetic; for the tears cameinto his eyes when he recounted the various quarrels which had becomeaddled, notwithstanding his best endeavours to hatch them into anhonourable meeting; and here was one, at length, just chipping theshell, like to be smothered, for want of the most ordinary concession onthe part of Winterblossom. In short, that gentleman could not hold outany longer. "It was," he said, "a very foolish business, he thought; butto oblige Sir Bingo and Captain MacTurk, he had no objection to walkwith them about noon as far as the Buck-stane, although he must observethe day was hazy, and he had felt a prophetic twinge or two, whichlooked like a visit of his old acquaintance podagra."

  "Never mind that, my excellent friend," said the Captain, "a sup out ofSir Bingo's flask is like enough to put that to rights; and by my soul,it is not the thing he is like to leave behind him on this sort ofoccasion, unless I be far mistaken in my man."

  "But," said Winterblossom, "although I comply with your wishes thus far,Captain MacTurk, I by no means undertake for certain to back this sameMaster Tyrrel, of whom I know nothing at all, but only agree to go tothe place in hopes of preventing mischief."

  "Never fash your beard about that, Mr. Winterblossom," replied theCaptain; "for a little mischief, as you call it, is become a thingabsolutely necessary to the credit of the place; and I am sure, whateverbe the consequences, they cannot in the present instance be very fatalto any body; for here is a young fellow that, if he should have amisfortune, nobody will miss, for nobody knows him; then there is SirBingo, whom every body knows so well, that they will miss him all theless."

  "And there will be Lady Bingo, a wealthy and handsome young widow," saidWinterblossom, throwing his hat upon his head with the grace andpretension of former days, and sighing to see, as he looked in themirror, how much time, that had whitened his hair, rounded his stomach,wrinkled his brow, and bent down his shoulders, had disqualified him, ashe expressed it, "for entering for such a plate."

  Secure of Winterblossom, the Captain's next anxiety was to obtain thepresence of Dr. Quackleben, who, although he wrote himself M.D., did notby any means decline practice as a surgeon, when any job offered forwhich he was likely to be well paid, as was warranted in the presentinstance, the wealthy baronet being a party principally concerned. TheDoctor, therefore, like the eagle scenting the carnage, seized, at thefirst word, the huge volume of morocco leather which formed his case ofportable instruments, and uncoiled before the Captain, with ostentatiousdisplay, its formidable and glittering contents, upon which he began tolecture as upon a copious and interesting text, until the man of warthought it necessary to give him a word of caution.

  "Och," says he, "I do pray you, Doctor, to carry that packet of yoursunder the breast of your coat, or in your pocket, or somewhere out ofsight, and by no means to produce or open it before the parties. Foralthough scalpels, and tourniquets, and pincers, and the like, are veryingenious implements, and pretty to behold, and are also useful whentime and occasion call for them, yet I have known the sight of them takeaway a man's fighting stomach, and so lose their owner a job, Dr.Quackleben."

  "By my faith, Captain MacTurk," said the Doctor, "you speak as if youwere graduated!--I have known these treacherous articles play theirmaster many a cursed trick. The very sight of my forceps, without theleast effort on my part, once cured an inveterate toothache of threedays' duration, prevented the extraction of a carious molendinar, whichit was the very end of their formation to achieve, and sent me homeminus a guinea.--But hand me that great-coat, Captain, and we will placethe instruments in ambuscade, until they are called into action in duetime. I should think something will happen--Sir Bingo is a sure shot ata moorcock."

  "Cannot say," replied MacTurk; "I have known the pistol shake many ahand that held the fowlingpiece fast enough. Yonder Tyrrel looks like ateevilish cool customer--I watched him the whole time I was deliveringmy errand, and I can promise you he is mettle to the backbone."

  "Well--I will have my bandages ready _secundum artem_," replied the manof medicine. "We must guard against haemorrhage--Sir Bingo is a plethoricsubject.--One o'clock, you say--at the Buck-stane--I will be punctual."

  "Will you not walk with us?" said Captain MacTurk, who seemed willing tokeep his whole convoy together on this occasion, lest, peradventure, anyof them had fled from under his patronage.

  "No," replied the Doctor, "I must first make an apology to worthy Mrs.Blower, for I had promised her my arm down to the river-side, where theyare all to eat a kettle of fish."

  "By Cot! and I hope we shall make them a prettier kettle of fish thanwas ever seen
at St. Ronan's," said the Captain, rubbing his hands.

  "Don't say _we_, Captain," replied the cautious Doctor; "I for one havenothing to do with the meeting--wash my hands of it. No, no, I cannotafford to be clapt up as accessory.--You ask me to meet you at theBuck-stane--no purpose assigned--I am willing to oblige my worthyfriend, Captain MacTurk--walk that way, thinking of nothingparticular--hear the report of pistols--hasten to the spot--fortunatelyjust in time to prevent the most fatal consequences--chance mostopportunely to have my case of instruments with me--indeed, generallywalk with them about me--_nunquam non paratus_--then give myprofessional definition of the wound and state of the patient. That isthe way to give evidence, Captain, before sheriffs, coroners, and suchsort of folk--never commit one's self--it is a rule of our profession."

  "Well, well, Doctor," answered the Captain, "you know your own waysbest; and so you are but there to give a chance of help in case ofaccident, all the laws of honour will be fully complied with. But itwould be a foul reflection upon me, as a man of honour, if I did nottake care that there should be somebody to come in thirdsman betweenDeath and my principal."

  At the awful hour of one afternoon, there arrived upon the appointedspot Captain MacTurk, leading to the field the valorous Sir Bingo, notexactly straining like a greyhound in the slips, but rather lookingmoody like a butcher's bull-dog, which knows he must fight since hismaster bids him. Yet the Baronet showed no outward flinching orabatement of courage, excepting, that the tune of Jenny Sutton, which hehad whistled without intermission since he left the Hotel, had, duringthe last half mile of their walk, sunk into silence; although, to lookat the muscles of the mouth, projection of the lip, and vacancy of theeye, it seemed as if the notes were still passing through his mind, andthat he whistled Jenny Sutton in his imagination. Mr. Winterblossom cametwo minutes after this happy pair, and the Doctor was equally punctual.

  "Upon my soul," said the former, "this is a mighty silly affair, SirBingo, and might, I think, be easily taken up, at less risk to allparties than a meeting of this kind. You should recollect, Sir Bingo,that you have much depending upon your life--you are a married man, SirBingo."

  Sir Bingo turned the quid in his mouth, and squirted out the juice in amost coachman-like manner.

  "Mr. Winterblossom," said the Captain, "Sir Bingo has in this matter puthimself in my hands, and unless you think yourself more able to directhis course than I am, I must frankly tell you, that I will be disobligedby your interference. You may speak to your own friend as much as youplease; and if you find yourself authorized to make any proposal, Ishall be desirous to lend an ear to it on the part of my worthyprincipal, Sir Bingo. But I will be plain with you, that I do notgreatly approve of settlements upon the field, though I hope I am aquiet and peaceable man. But here is our honour to be looked after inthe first place; and moreover, I must insist that every proposal foraccommodation shall originate with your party or yourself."

  "_My_ party?" answered Winterblossom; "why really, though I came hitherat your request, Captain MacTurk, yet I must see more of the matter, ereI can fairly pronounce myself second to a man I never saw but once."

  "And, perhaps, may never see again," said the Doctor, looking at hiswatch; "for it is ten minutes past the hour, and here is no Mr. Tyrrel."

  "Hey! what's that you say, Doctor?" said the Baronet, awakened from hisapathy.

  "He speaks tamned nonsense," said the Captain, pulling out a huge,old-fashioned, turnip-shaped implement, with a blackened silverdial-plate. "It is not above three minutes after one by the true time,and I will uphold Mr. Tyrrel to be a man of his word--never saw a mantake a thing more coolly."

  "Not more coolly than he takes his walk this way," said the Doctor; "forthe hour is as I tell you--remember, I am professional--have pulses tocount by the second and half-second--my timepiece must go as true as thesun."

  "And I have mounted guard a thousand times by my watch," said theCaptain; "and I defy the devil to say that Hector MacTurk did not alwaysdischarge his duty to the twentieth part of the fraction of a second--itwas my great grandmother, Lady Killbracklin's, and I will maintain itsreputation against any timepiece that ever went upon wheels."

  "Well, then, look at your own watch, Captain," said Winterblossom, "fortime stands still with no man, and while we speak the hour advances. Onmy word, I think this Mr. Tyrrel intends to humbug us."

  "Hey! what's that you say?" said Sir Bingo, once more starting from hissullen reverie.

  "I shall not look at my watch upon no such matter," said the Captain;"nor will I any way be disposed to doubt your friend's honour, Mr.Winterblossom."

  "_My_ friend?" said Mr. Winterblossom; "I must tell you once more,Captain, that this Mr. Tyrrel is no friend of mine--none in the world.He is your friend, Captain MacTurk; and I own, if he keeps us waitingmuch longer on this occasion, I will be apt to consider his friendshipas of very little value."

  "And how dare you, then, say that the man is my friend?" said theCaptain, knitting his brows in a most formidable manner.

  "Pooh! pooh! Captain," answered Winterblossom, coolly, if notcontemptuously--"keep all that for silly boys; I have lived in the worldtoo long either to provoke quarrels, or to care about them. So, reserveyour fire; it is all thrown away on such an old cock as I am. But Ireally wish we knew whether this fellow means to come--twenty minutespast the hour--I think it is odds that you are bilked, Sir Bingo?"

  "Bilked! hey!" cried Sir Bingo; "by Gad, I always thought so--I wageredwith Mowbray he was a raff--I am had, by Gad. I'll wait no longer thanthe half hour, by Gad, were he a field-marshal."

  "You will be directed in that matter by your friend, if you please, SirBingo," said the Captain.

  "D---- me if I will," returned the Baronet--"Friend? a pretty friend, tobring me out here on such a fool's errand! I knew the fellow was araff--but I never thought you, with all your chaff about honour, such ad----d spoon as to bring a message from a fellow who has fled the pit!"

  "If you regret so much having come here to no purpose," said theCaptain, in a very lofty tone, "and if you think I have used you like aspoon, as you say, I will have no objection in life to take Mr. Tyrrel'splace, and serve your occasion, my boy!"

  "By ----! and if you like it, you may fire away, and welcome," said SirBingo; "and I'll spin a crown for first shot, for I do not understandbeing brought here for nothing, d---- me!"

  "And there was never man alive so ready as I am to give you something tostay your stomach," said the irritable Highlander.

  "Oh fie, gentlemen! fie, fie, fie!" exclaimed the pacific Mr.Winterblossom--"For shame, Captain--Out upon you, Sir Bingo, are youmad?--what, principal and second!--the like was never heard of--never."

  The parties were in some degree recalled to their more coolrecollections by this expostulation, yet continued a short quarter-deckwalk to and fro, upon parallel lines, looking at each other sullenly asthey passed, and bristling like two dogs who have a mind to quarrel, yethesitate to commence hostilities. During this promenade, also, theperpendicular and erect carriage of the veteran, rising on his toes atevery step, formed a whimsical contrast with the heavy loutish shuffleof the bulky Baronet, who had, by dint of practice, very nearly attainedthat most enviable of all carriages, the gait of a shambling Yorkshireostler. His coarse spirit was now thoroughly kindled, and like iron, orany other baser metal, which is slow in receiving heat, it retained longthe smouldering and angry spirit of resentment that had originallybrought him to the place, and now rendered him willing to wreak hisuncomfortable feelings upon the nearest object which occurred, since thefirst purpose of his coming thither was frustrated. In his own phrase,his pluck was up, and finding himself in a fighting humour, he thoughtit a pity, like Bob Acres, that so much good courage should be thrownaway. As, however, that courage after all consisted chiefly in illhumour; and as, in the demeanour of the Captain, he read nothingdeferential or deprecatory of his wrath, he began to listen with moreattention to the arguments of Mr. Winterblossom, who entreated them notto s
ully, by private quarrel, the honour they had that day so happilyacquired without either blood or risk.

  "It was now," he said, "three quarters of an hour past the timeappointed for this person, who calls himself Tyrrel, to meet Sir BingoBinks. Now, instead of standing squabbling here, which serves nopurpose, I propose we should reduce to writing the circumstances whichattend this affair, for the satisfaction of the company at the Well, andthat the memorandum shall be regularly attested by our subscriptions;after which, I shall farther humbly propose that it be subjected to therevision of the Committee of Management."

  "I object to any revision of a statement to which my name shall beappended," said the Captain.

  "Right--very true, Captain," said the complaisant Mr. Winterblossom;"undoubtedly you know best, and your signature is completely sufficientto authenticate this transaction--however, as it is the most importantwhich has occurred since the Spring was established, I propose we shallall sign the _proces-verbal_, as I may term it."

  "Leave me out, if you please," said the Doctor, not much satisfied thatboth the original quarrel and the by-battle had passed over without anyoccasion for the offices of a Machaon; "leave me out, if you please; forit does not become me to be ostensibly concerned in any proceedings,which have had for their object a breach of the peace. And for theimportance of waiting here for an hour, in a fine afternoon, it is myopinion there was a more important service done to the Well of St.Ronan's, when I, Quentin Quackleben, M.D., cured Lady PenelopePenfeather of her seventh attack upon the nerves, attended with febrilesymptoms."

  "No disparagement to your skill at all, Doctor," said Mr. Winterblossom;"but I conceive the lesson which this fellow has received will be agreat means to prevent improper persons from appearing at the Springhereafter; and, for my part, I shall move that no one be invited to dineat the table in future, till his name is regularly entered as a memberof the company, in the lists at the public room. And I hope both SirBingo and the Captain will receive the thanks of the company, for theirspirited conduct in expelling the intruder.--Sir Bingo, will you allowme to apply to your flask--a little twinge I feel, owing to the dampnessof the grass."

  Sir Bingo, soothed by the consequence he had acquired, readily impartedto the invalid a thimbleful of his cordial, which, we believe, had beenprepared by some cunning chemist in the wilds of Glenlivat. He thenfilled a bumper, and extended it towards the veteran, as an unequivocalsymptom of reconciliation. The real turbinacious flavour no soonerreached the nose of the Captain, than the beverage was turned down histhroat with symptoms of most unequivocal applause.

  "I shall have some hope of the young fellows of this day," he said, "nowthat they begin to give up their Dutch and French distilled waters, andstick to genuine Highland ware. By Cot, it is the only liquor fit for agentleman to drink in a morning, if he can have the good fortune to comeby it, you see."

  "Or after dinner either, Captain," said the Doctor, to whom the glasshad passed in rotation; "it is worth all the wines in France forflavour, and more cordial to the system besides."

  "And now," said the Captain, "that we may not go off the ground with anything on our stomachs worse than the whisky, I can afford to say, (asCaptain Hector MacTurk's character is tolerably well established,) thatI am sorry for the little difference that has occurred betwixt me and myworthy friend, Sir Bingo, here."

  "And since you are so civil, Captain," said Sir Bingo, "why, I am sorrytoo--only it would put the devil out of temper to lose so fine a fishingday--wind south--fine air on the pool--water settled from theflood--just in trim--and I dare say three pairs of hooks have passedover my cast before this time!"

  He closed this elaborate lamentation with a libation of the same cordialwhich he had imparted to his companions; and they returned in a body tothe Hotel, where the transactions of the morning were soon afterwardsannounced to the company, by the following program:--

  STATEMENT.

  "Sir Bingo Binks, baronet, having found himself aggrieved by the uncivil behaviour of an individual calling himself Francis Tyrrel, now or lately a resident at the Cleikum Inn, Aultoun of St. Ronan's; and having empowered Captain Hector MacTurk to wait upon the said Mr. Tyrrel to demand an apology, under the alternative of personal satisfaction, according to the laws of honour and the practice of gentlemen, the said Tyrrel voluntarily engaged to meet the said Sir Bingo Binks, baronet, at the Buck-stane, near St. Ronan's Burn, upon this present day, being Wednesday ---- August. In consequence of which appointment, we, the undersigned, did attend at the place named, from one o'clock till two, without seeing or hearing any thing whatever of the said Francis Tyrrel, or any one in his behalf--which fact we make thus publicly known, that all men, and particularly the distinguished company assembled at the Fox Hotel, may be duly apprized of the character and behaviour of the said Francis Tyrrel, in case of his again presuming to intrude himself into the society of persons of honour.

  "The Fox Inn and Hotel, St. Ronan's Well--August 18--.

  (Signed) "BINGO BINKS, HECTOR MACTURK, PHILIP WINTERBLOSSOM."

  A little lower followed this separate attestation:

  "I, Quentin Quackleben, M.D., F.R.S., D.E., B.L., X.Z., &c. &c., being called upon to attest what I know in the said matter, do hereby verify, that being by accident at the Buck-stane, near St. Ronan's Burn, on this present day, at the hour of one afternoon, and chancing to remain there for the space of nearly an hour, conversing with Sir Bingo Binks, Captain MacTurk, and Mr. Winterblossom, we did not, during that time, see or hear any thing of or from the person calling himself Francis Tyrrel, whose presence at that place seemed to be expected by the gentlemen I have just named."

  This affiche was dated like the former, and certified under the augusthand of Quentin Quackleben, M.D., &c. &c. &c.

  Again, and prefaced by the averment that an improper person had beenlately introduced into the company of St. Ronan's Well, there came fortha legislative enactment, on the part of the Committee, declaring, "thatno one shall in future be invited to the dinners, or balls, or otherentertainments of the Well, until their names shall be regularly enteredin the books kept for the purpose at the rooms." Lastly, there was avote of thanks to Sir Bingo Binks and Captain MacTurk for theirspirited conduct, and the pains which they had taken to exclude animproper person from the company at St. Ronan's Well.

  These annunciations speedily became the magnet of the day. All idlerscrowded to peruse them; and it would be endless to notice the "God blessme's"--the "Lord have a care of us"--the "Saw you ever the like's" ofgossips, any more than the "Dear me's" and "Oh, laa's" of the tituppingmisses, and the oaths of the pantalooned or buck-skin'd beaux. Thecharacter of Sir Bingo rose like the stocks at the news of a dispatchfrom the Duke of Wellington, and, what was extraordinary, attained someconsequence even in the estimation of his lady. All shook their heads atthe recollection of the unlucky Tyrrel, and found out much in his mannerand address which convinced them that he was but an adventurer andswindler. A few, however, less partial to the Committee of Management,(for whenever there is an administration, there will soon arise anopposition,) whispered among themselves, that, to give the fellow hisdue, the man, be he what he would, had only come among them, like thedevil, when he was called for; and honest Dame Blower blessed herselfwhen she heard of such bloodthirsty doings as had been intended, and"thanked God that honest Doctor Kickherben had come to nae harm amang a'their nonsense."