Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Were the police cruising the mean streets of Naples looking for children to bust? No. Get this: one of the kid’s neighbors, possibly worried that the presence of a small retail establishment would bring down property values, actually called the police and complained about her enterprising little neighbor’s lemonade stand. “Normally we don’t get involved in it, but once we do get a formal request we must take action,” said Naples spokesman Al Hofgrefe. The cops who shut the kid down felt so bad about it that one of them bought a glass of lemonade.

  Note to the neighbor: jeez, lady. Calling the cops on a lemonade stand. That’s just mean.

  The good news here is that the city of Naples realized how stupid it was to have their cops strong-arming first-graders and granted the little girl a business permit at no cost. One hopes our darling little entrepreneur sent her neighbor a refreshing complimentary glass of lemonade with a little note that said, “Dear neighbor: Choke on it.”

  Source: NBC2 News

  A TAXING SITUATION

  Everyone knew that Francesco Dominico La Rosa of Perth, Australia, was a drug dealer. They knew it because he was spending time in an Australian prison for dealing heroin. But just because a guy is rotting in the hole for selling smack—that most skanky of street drugs—doesn’t mean he should also get dinged on his taxes. That’s just not the Australian way.

  Which is why La Rosa had been fighting the Australian Tax Office from his prison cell. Seems that the Tax Office claimed that in the 1994–95 tax year, La Rosa made nearly $450,000, which is a lot of money, even in Australian dollars. That being the case, the Tax Office wanted taxes assessed on that amount.

  La Rosa had a different point of view. He disputed the $450,000 figure, noting that the amount included $225,000 that he believed he shouldn’t have to pay taxes on. Why? Because that’s the amount of money that was stolen from him in a drug deal that went south in 1995. Basically, La Rosa argued, that’s $225,000 he didn’t make. So he appealed the tax amount.

  Wonder if He Had the Paperwork to Prove His Claim

  And, what do you know, an administrative appeals tribunal agreed with La Rosa that he had been overtaxed for that year. From the point of view of the Australian courts, taking a bath on an illegal drug deal is a legitimate excuse for reducing your taxable income. A handy tip!

  The irony here is that is that if De Rosa were a free man, there’s probably no way he’d have gotten that $225,000 knocked off his tax bill. Because he deals drugs, you see. Admitting to that while you’re a free man, even to get a slice off your tax bill, is a fine way to get hauled into the slammer. But if you’re already in the slammer, what do you have to lose? So three cheers for the Australian war on drugs, and all its amusing unintended consequences.

  And as for De Rosa, enjoy your tax refund, mate! We’re sure the prison commissary is just waiting for your shopping spree.

  Source: news.com.au

  OMINOUS NEWS FOR THE IRS

  The Internal Revenue Service said that Vernice Kuglin of Tennessee owed them $920,000 in back taxes, but Kuglin said that she could find nothing in the tax code that said she was liable for taxes. So she wouldn’t pay. Fine, said the IRS, and took her to court, where a jury found for Kuglin, because, as one juror said, “we all felt that the prosecution didn’t prove its case.”

  Source: Memphis Commercial Appeal

  WELCOME TO FREEDOM, YOU’RE UNDER ARREST

  It’s no big secret that many of the criminals who end up in the slammer go back to lives of crime after they’re released. But usually they take a little time to do something else first. You know, like take a nap, or get a bite to eat, or have their first completely worry-free shower in years.

  But not “Edwin.” In what has got to be a land-speed record for recidivism, Ed was arrested at the Airway Heights Corrections Center in Washington at exactly the same time he was being released. Ed, who’d been doing a stint for drug possession and bail jumping, apparently had not availed himself of the rehab programs offered by the prison. He just couldn’t wait to get a buzz on, and when we say that, it’s not just an expression of speech; he was so keen on getting blasted that he instructed the friends who were picking him up to bring some “goodies” with them. So keen he didn’t exactly make the request quietly—prison authorities heard him do it.

  A Delivery from the Drugstore

  So up drives the van with Ed’s friends and out pop the authorities, who search the van. Inside they find marijuana and methamphetamines, and something else—that the van was actually a lab.

  Ladies and gentlemen, let us take a moment to salute Ed’s friends, who not only did not question the wisdom of bringing illegal drugs right to the doorstep of a correctional facility but indeed thought nothing of bringing an entire illegal drug manufacturing concern along for the ride. That takes a certain special mix of chutzpah and cluelessness. They have our admiration, for what little good it will do them as they sit in their tiny little cells for their alleged crimes. As for Ed, he didn’t even make it to the parking lot before he was arrested on new drug charges.

  Next time, Ed: patience.

  Source: Associated Press

  WHOOPS! WHICH ME? ON TV?

  A Cocoa, Florida, man was told by his friends that he had been featured on the television show America’s Most Wanted. Nuh-uh, said the man, and to prove it, he called the local cops and asked them to investigate whether he was on the show. Well, the good news was he wasn’t featured on the show. The bad news was that he was wanted for failure to appear in court regarding a battery with great bodily harm. The man was unaware of the warrant, but thanks to his call to the police, he found out about it pretty quick. He was arrested shortly thereafter.

  Source: Florida Today

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  Why? Because it fulfills our court-mandated community service, that’s why.

  TAX DODGE

  Today’s tip: Whenever possible, avoid crimes that lend themselves to cheap, bitter irony.

  Would that “Josh” had availed himself of this tip. Josh had been the chairman of the Taxpayers Association of Middletown, a small town north of New York City. So presumably he could have been expected to know something about the U.S. Tax Code, at least in passing, and the penalties for fiddling around with said code. This does not appear to have kept Josh from trying his luck at deceiving the Internal Revenue Service during the years 1995 through 2000, including filing forms that declared him not to be a U.S. citizen. Sadly for Josh, the IRS did not fall for his sudden expatriation or other high jinks and hauled him into court on numerous charges of tax evasion and obstruction (and while in court, he managed to pull down a perjury charge, just for fun), where he was convicted on five counts by a jury of his tax-paying peers.

  Ironic? Oh my, yes. Josh can’t even claim ignorance as a defense. Just stupidity.

  Source: Middletown Times Herald-Record

  BEEKEEP, I’LL HAVE A STINGER

  We’re all for any legitimate therapeutic process that helps people kick a drug habit. Addiction is a real drag, and anything that you can do to stay off drugs is probably worth doing.

  But, we’re not so sure we’d follow the example of “Lee,” a Chinese citizen who had been addicted to drugs since he left school over a decade earlier. Lee went to a variety of clinics, but he’d always resume his addictions once he got out the door.

  Finally, he and his girlfriend headed for the mountains of Songpan County, away from the temptations of city life. But as anyone familiar with the crystal meth labs of rural Nebraska can tell you, just because you’re in the middle of nowhere doesn’t mean you can’t find trouble.

  Bee Happy

  While on his mountain sabbatical, Lee read a magazine article about “apitherapy”—treating physical ailments with bee venom, fresh from the bee itself. Proponents of apitherapy tout it as a treatment for illnesses ranging from arthritis to asthma to heart disease. They also believe it can help drug users kick their habits.

  This sounded good
to Lee, but there were no available apitherapy clinics. However, since he was out in the country, there were a lot of bees. So Lee began a self-administered apitherapy regimen. Whenever he felt a craving for drugs, he’d seek out a hive of wild bees and let them sting him until his craving subsided. To an outside observer this self-administered solution seems akin to ridding yourself of a toothache by feeding your hand to a badger. But Lee believed in it, and kept at it—for two years. That’s a lot of bee stings. After two years, Lee claimed, he was cured of his addictions. One also suspects he’d developed something of an immunity to bee venom.

  Lee eventually left his wild bees behind and now lives in the Chinese city of Chengdu, where he has a new job. He’s a beekeeper. And why not?

  Sources: China Daily, Ananova

  FAILING BOTANY

  Some teenagers in Ohio heard that, like, if you eat the seeds of the moonflower plant, you can totally get high! So 14 of them did. And shortly thereafter all 14 headed to the hospital with various symptoms including dilated pupils, rapid pulse, hallucinations, and an inability to urinate. Turns out “moonflower” plants (scientific name: datura inoxia) are toxic, which is something that they didn’t hear from their stoner friends. Kids, just say no to eating random plants. Don’t smoke banana peel either.

  Source: Reuters

  WHAT’S MORE, MIMING A BOMB THREAT ISN’T COOL, EITHER

  They post the signs all over the place at the airport security stations: Do not make jokes about bombs. It’s against the law, and it’s a national law, so no matter where you go in the U.S., making a crack about a bomb is in fact a federal offense.

  No cracking jokes. But what if you don’t actually say the joke? What if you put a note into your suitcase, especially for the security guards? Surely those airport screeners would see the humor inherent in that maneuver, right? They’d just have a hearty chuckle, congratulate you for an innovative way to brighten their day, and wave you through.

  The Trouble with Teens

  Or not, as 17-year-old “Gil” from Paxton, Massachusetts, discovered in August 2003. He and his family were on a trip to Hawaii from Boston’s Logan International Airport when security people found a happy little note note while pawing through his luggage. We now present it to you in all its expurgated wonder: ‘’[Expletive] you. Stay the [expletive] out of my bag you [expletive] sucker. Have you found a [expletive] bomb yet? No, just clothes. Am I right? Yea, so [expletive] you.”

  The security people at Logan were so impressed with Gil’s written communication that they felt they had to do something for him. And what they did was call the state police, who arrested Gil on the plane and ordered the rest of his family—Mom, Dad, and little sister—to get off the plane, too. (As this was all happening, according to the Boston Globe, Gil turned to his parents and said, in a classic teen comment, “I can explain this.”) “Naturally, they searched his bag, and there was nothing else in the bag, but even if it was a prank, we take it very seriously,” said Transportation Security Agency spokesperson Ann Davis.

  So this year’s fun-filled family trip wasn’t to Hawaii after all, but to the East Boston District Court, where Gil pleaded not guilty to one count of making a bomb/hijacking threat, and was released on a $1,000 bond. That’s money that probably would had gone to windsurfing lessons and a luau, had Gil just repressed his urge to be clever. Kids, there’s a lesson there for you.

  Sources: Associated Press, Boston Globe

  FLY THE TOO-FRIENDLY SKIES

  United Airlines ran a full-page ad in Denver newspapers advertising a special offer for rates along with a phone number to call. A call to that number provided another number for would-be customers to call. And that number was a phone sex line. Turns out that first heavily advertised number was incorrect. The number was also provided on flyers handed out at airports. “We apologize for any inconvenience this may have cost our customers,” a United spokesperson said. Later flyers had the number blacked out.

  Source: Denver Post

  TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

  That is, if they can read.

  WHAT A FLOP!

  Today’s tip: When under house arrest, don’t enter a goofy sports contest covered by local media—and certainly don’t win one.

  George” was under house arrest—tellingly, for violating his parole—when he got it in his head to enter the belly-flop contest that is at the heart (so to speak) of Red Belly Day in Fanning Springs, Florida. Although weighing in at a mere 5’9” and 182 pounds, George showed a certain special flair for smacking hard on water and came away the contest winner, a distinction that got his picture in the local paper. Sadly for George, the local law enforcement saw his picture in the paper and sent him up the river he had so recently belly-flopped into, the better to serve a three-year stint at the state prison in Lake Butler.

  This meant that George was unable to defend his title. “If I could get a furlough, I would be at that belly flop contest this year,” he said. Prison officials, perhaps noting his previous inability to stay put, denied his furlough request.

  Source: Associated Press

  WHEN GAS SUPPLIES COME TO A DEAD STOP

  Today’s teenagers gape in disbelief when their grandparents tell them of the Great Gas Crisis of the 1970s—when people actually had to wait in line to buy gas, and sometimes even had to buy gas on alternate days! But if you want to hear a really interesting gas desperation story, try Zimbabwe in the summer of 2003. People weren’t killing each other over gasoline, but dead people were being used to buy it.

  Zimbabwe had been in a major gas crisis since November 2002, when a deal with Libya, which supplied about 70 percent of the nation’s gas, got sunk. So naturally, rationing and long lines at the gas pump were the order of the day. But in one of those loopholes that just cried out for immoral exploitation, you could jump to the front of the gas line if your car was transporting a dead body to a funeral. All you needed was to a dead body.

  He Doesn’t Need to Fasten His Seatbelt

  A Zimbabwean mortician and his assistant had an idea. For a fee, they’d give their gas-needing clients burial orders that made their cars hearses—and they’d also throw in a dead body (in a coffin, thankfully) as a rental. The client would hop to the front of the gas line, fill up, then drive back to the mortuary to return the coffin and the corpse. The mortician would get paid, the client would get the gas, and the corpse, presumably, wouldn’t care one way or the other.

  It worked for a while, but wouldn’t you know, eventually the government had to come in and spoil the fun for everyone. The mortician and his assistant were both arrested and charged with violating dead bodies. They could have probably avoided this charge simply by renting out the coffins and not the actual corpses, because, honestly, the guy working at the gas station is not going to crack open a coffin to check.

  Source: Reuters

  INTERESTING WAY TO AVOID A PARKING TICKET

  A man in Melbourne, Australia, was issued a parking ticket that he won’t have to pay. The reason: he was dead at the time he got it. He was slumped over in the front seat of his car, motionless, when the parking officer came by and wrote up the ticket. She thought the guy was just sleeping. Eventually someone noticed the man was dead and called an ambulance. The parking officer, understandably distressed, was offered counseling.

  Source: Daily Telegraph

  THE REALLY STUPID QUIZ: THE WORLD OF FASHION

  Strike a pose—it’s time for another Really Stupid Quiz. Which of these is the genuine article and which are the cheap knockoffs? You decide.

  1. Who let the dogs out—on the runway? While other musicians like Sean “P. Diddy” Combs are starting up clothing lines for people, a celebrity rapper/actor is tapping a heretofore underserved market: dogs. He announced the creation of a doggie-apparel line to debut in fall of 2003. The line will feature fashions specifically for the canine set, who to this point had been served primarily by homemade sweaters and ugly tartan saddles.

  2. A well-known
German fashion designer created a controversy when it was leaked that the models for his fall 2003 line, which he called “a commentary on the ‘Heroin Chic’ ideal in fashion” would feature drug addicts and recovering drug addicts recruited from private rehabilitation centers in Europe and the United States. In exchange for their services, he promised to pay for the cost of their treatments. The idea was later scrapped, although the designer suggested to the Austrian magazine Profil that he may return to the idea at some point.

  3. A famous fashion designer announced that 2004 would see his company providing a new offering: high heels for men. “We’re tapping in to the whole ‘metro-sexual’ trend,” said the designer’s spokesperson, referring to the trend of straight male urbanites who enjoy things like facials and shopping. “We think that, cleverly done, the market is there.” The first masculine high heels will feature relatively modest heels: two-and-a-half to three inches. “We recognize that we have to start from the ground up,” the spokesperson said.