Uncle John's Presents: Book of the Dumb
Page 24
3. An Australian man’s wedding proposal went seriously awry. Joe Griggs of Brisbane had convinced the owner of a highway billboard near his home to let him put up a temporary sign asking his girlfriend Nicole Hathaway to marry him. Once it was up, Griggs took Hathaway for a drive and as the car passed the sign, Griggs pointed it out to her. Hathaway was so overcome by the sign that she tried to hug Griggs; in the process Griggs lost control of his car and struck a highway sign. The impact inflated the driver’s-side air bag, breaking Griggs’s nose. The two were otherwise unhurt, but the car was “smashed beyond repair.” The good news: Hathaway said yes.
Which one is really stupid?
Answer page 311.
Source: Ananova
“The good Lord set definite limits on man’s wisdom, but set no limits on his stupidity—and that’s just not fair.”
—Konrad Adenauer
DUMB MOVIE FESTIVAL: DUNGEONS & DRAGONS (2000)
Our Entry: Dungeons & Dragons, starring Jeremy Irons and Thora Birch
The Plot (Such As It Is): Jeremy Irons runs around chewing scenery and wielding a magic rod (heh) to command dragons and steal a kingdom from the teenage queen (Thora Birch). Somehow—the details are fuzzy—three WB-like postteens become involved and have many adventures that look like they were filmed on the set of Xena: Warrior Princess while that crew was at lunch. Eventually there’s a battle scene with dragons that doesn’t make much sense, much to the disappointment of every D&D geek in the world.
Fun Fact: D&D director Courtney Solomon bought the rights to make the D&D movie when he was a wee lad of twenty and spent the next 10 years trying to find financing for it. Somewhere in that decade, a couple of correspondence film courses might have been nice, Mr. Solomon.
Total North American Box Office: $15,185,241 (source: The-Numbers.com). The good news for New Line Cinema (which distributed the film in the U.S.) is they got that whole fantasy thing right just in time for the Lord of the Rings movies.
The Critics Rave!
“A misbegotten exercise in abject incompetence . . . produces all the magic and fun of a slow root canal. It features heroes you despise, dangers you giggle at, and dialogue that beggars belief. Insiders will look at this movie and cringe in horror.”
—Flipside Movie Emporium
“As the evil Profion, one of an elite race of magic users called Mages, Irons is nearly incomprehensible from his first line to his last . . . but it’s also likely that he’s not even speaking English, since much of his dialogue consists of mumbled incantations along the lines of “gabba gabba hey.” The rest of the time, when he’s not laughing maniacally (“bwaa-HA-HA-HA!”), you can’t make him out because his mouth is so full of scenery he makes Gilbert Gottfried look like Sir Laurence Olivier.”—Washington Post
“Any dungeon master worth his 20-sided dice could have whipped up a better scenario.”—Northwest Herald (Crystal Lake, IL)
“Dungeons & Dragons looks like they threw away the game and photographed the box it came in . . . The plot does not defy description, but it discourages it.”—Chicago Sun-Times
“It’s astonishing to see a film in which every single actor manages to embarrass him or herself with such regularity.”
—Daily-Reviews.com
“Even with your +2 Ring of Histrionic Resistance, you’re hosed. For the rest of the movie, you will suffer the effects of some of the worst acting in recent memory.”—Edmonton Sun
“The clumsiest, most inept cinematic exploitation of an item with kid appeal that we have yet seen.”—Detroit News
PSYCHED OUT
Psychology is a fascinating field, but when it comes to performing psychological experiments on unsuspecting Joes on the street, it’s probably better to leave it up to Stanley Milgram and his merry band of hand-zappers. This is the lesson three University of Connecticut students learned in May 2003, when their own unauthorized psychological experiment produced interesting and unexpected results: namely, the three of them getting hauled away to the hoosegow.
Experiment in Error
It all started when “Tim,” “Sam,” and “Ann” staged a brilliant and original mock kidnapping near UConn’s West Hartford campus. Passers-by were treated to the sight of a person, bound and gagged, sitting in the backseat of a car. The tied-up person was then forced out of the car by two “assailants,” who then threatened the “victim”; the victim then approached the undoubtedly horrified spectators, asking them what, if anything, they were going to do. One of them called the police, who later spotted the car on campus.
One thing led to another, and before long the police were administering a psychological experiment of their own to our trio of terrors: studying how dimwitted students react when hauled down to the precinct. “I think they actually yanked them out of finals,” said Detective Capt. Bill Erickson of the West Hartford police. “They may get an incomplete.”
Dumb Students Deserve Jail
Spokespeople for the University of Connecticut’s psychology department were not notably sympathetic to the plight of the three students, in part because all student experiments are supposed to be cleared by the department for certain ethical standards, one of which probably includes keeping them out of the reach of the long arm of the law. “If students want to go out and do jackass stunts on their own, they probably should be arrested,” said David Miller, associate head of UConn’s psychology department.
Source: Associated Press
YOU’VE GOT MAIL. LOTS OF MAIL.
In the old days, students might prank a teacher with a tack on the chair or maybe a phone call in the middle of the night. But today’s children are industrious—and they have access to the Internet. Which is why, we suppose, the 15-year-old boy from Singapore decided to prank his teacher by sending not one, not two, but 161,064 e-mail messages. You know. Just in case she deleted the first couple of thousand. At the kid’s hearing, his defender noted that he was trying to “increase his self-esteem and ego,” by spamming his teacher. This rationale would explain a lot about spammers in general.
Source: Sydney Morning Herald
FOR GERBIL’S SAKE!
We can think of a lot of good reasons not to do methamphetamines. First and most obviously, they’re illegal, which means by doing them, you risk ending up in a tiny concrete room with nothing to do for a couple of years but watch Jerry Springer on a TV locked behind a grate. Not really a pleasant prospect for most people.
Another reason is that methamphetamines have a nasty list of side effects, like nausea, tremors, dizziness, hyperthermia, heart failure, and stroke—many of which can land on your plate all at once, like a hellish smorgasbord. And if you use too much of the stuff, it starts playing with your head, causing a delightful condition that’s known as toxic psychosis, which makes you all paranoid and twitchy. Yeah, that sounds like fun.
Of course, people who are pharmaceutically paranoid end up doing some pretty bizarre things. Take “Theo” from Ventura County, California, who was sentenced to 50 days in jail for actions stemming from his methamphetamine use.
The Furry Friend
Theo’s problem was that the meth made him think that someone living in his house was a spy for the government. Someone small. Someone innocent. Someone . . . fuzzy. Specifically, his daughter’s gerbil.
How on earth could a gerbil be a government spy, you ask? Well, you’re just asking that because you’re not all hopped up on intense, brain-chemistry-changing stimulants. When you are, it makes perfect sense. It made sense to Theo. He even discussed his reasoning with the neighbors: the gerbil’s teeth were bar coded, he confided. There was a camera in its little furry head. At this point we imagine the neighbors smiling politely, going back to their house and telling their kids to run fast in the other direction whenever Theo came out of the house.
What happened with the gerbil we won’t describe in detail, except you may rest assured that it did not end well for our unfortunate little furry operative. Theo was convicted for cruelty to
animals and being under the influence of methamphetamines. In addition to 50 days in jail, he was also ordered to psychological testing and drug counseling.
Here’s the lesson: just say no.
If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the gerbils.
Sources: Associated Press, goaskalice.columbia.edu
“He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.”
—Nicholas Murray Butler
TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
Think of these as good deeds for bad people.
DON’T GET CAUGHT WITH YOUR HAND IN THE TILL
Today’s tip: The object of robbing a store is to make money, not lose it.
Gary’s plan to rob a store in Ayr, Scotland, was simple. Go in, buy a pack of cigarettes with a £10 note, and while the register is open, reach in and swipe the contents. It was a foolproof plan.
But what happened next just goes to show that most “foolproof” plans just haven’t met the right fool. Gary executed the first part of his plan to perfection, asking for the cigarettes and producing the £10 note to “pay” for them. So far, so good. He then produced a hammer and threatened the shopkeeper with it. Disappointingly, she wasn’t notably threatened and told him where he and his hammer could go.
Nevertheless, she’d opened the register. Gary the intrepid robber then swooped down to scoop out the contents. The shopkeeper slammed the till on his fingers. Through the pain, Gary grabbed a few bills and sprinted out the door, leaving his cigarettes and his £10 note behind. When the shopkeeper counted her losses, she discovered the robber had grabbed only £5, meaning he’d lost £5 in the whole felonious transaction.
What do you know—crime really doesn’t pay.
Source: Daily Record (U.K.)
HISTORICAL DUMBOSITY: ANOTHER MEGALOMANIAC HAS A GO AT IT
We’ve already seen how Napolean’s army failed to conquer Russia . . . Maybe someone else would have more luck? (Part I is on page 243.)
Fast forward a century or so to 1941. Hitler had been playing nice with Russia (the Soviet Union) while German troops rampaged through the rest of Europe. But finally he decided it was time to try his luck to the east in a campaign known as Barbarossa).
For this campaign, Hitler assembled a force that made Napoleon’s Grand Army look like a marching band: 150 army divisions with a total of 3 million men, 3,000 tanks, 7,500 artillery, and 2,500 airplanes. Thrown in almost as an afterthought were another 30 divisions of Finnish and Romanian troops. On June 22, 1941, this force attacked on three wide fronts, overwhelming the underpowered Soviet army. Hitler and his crew confidently estimated that in no more than six months, the battles would be over because of lack of support from the Soviet citizens.
What a Dummkopf!
Hitler and the Germans might not have learned the lessons of 1812, but the Soviets sure did, particularly the “scorched earth” policy that starved Napoleon’s troops as they marched toward Moscow. The Soviets torched their crops, destroyed bridges, moved factories to the Russian interior, and moved or junked railroad engines and cars, leaving little behind for the Germans to use for their own advantage. In spite of this, the Germans initially made some excellent progress: by mid-July they were closing in on Moscow and had done pretty nicely on their other fronts as well.
But then things began to break down. Back in Germany, Hitler and his generals squabbled about what to do next, which slowed the advance of the German army.
That Weather Thing Again
Wild weather in July turned much of Russia into a mud pit, making it difficult for German vehicles to move. The Soviet army, which was supposed have gone kaplooey, kept stubbornly bringing up more troops—far more than the Germans had planned to fight. And as the year got older, the weather got worse.
In October, the Germans were on the doorstep of Moscow, close enough to taste it, when one of the coldest winters on record just stomped right in and proceeded to taunt the shivering Germans. Tanks, planes, and artillery froze—and so did the German soldiers, whose clothing was ill-equipped for the Russian winter’s subzero temperatures. And no one makes winter like Mother Russia makes winter. (Her special ingredient is frostbite!)
You Call That Cold?
The Soviet army, on the other hand, was used to the cold, and didn’t mind pressing its advantage. By November 1941, the Germans had suffered some 730,000 casualties. The Germans were now well inside the Russian black hole and would stay there, sapping Germany’s military strength. This was, of course, much to the advantage of Great Britain (which had been close to the breaking point before Hitler invaded Russia) and the other Allies in the west, including the United States.
We like to think the United States won the war, but it was in Russia where Germany’s collapse was born. Don’t think the Germans didn’t know it, either—at the end of the war they prayed that the U.S. and British troops would get to Berlin before the Soviets did, and Hitler’s successor Karl Dönitz spent most of his short reign trying to get as many German civilians and troops into U.S. and British hands before the Soviets came calling (in retrospect, not a bad idea). We did our part, but it was Russia that bled Nazi Germany dry.
So don’t be dumb, O Emperor (or Empress) of Europe! Stay out of Russia. Your empire will thank you. And so will the Russians.
“Those who know, and know that they know, are wise. You may follow them. Those who know not, and know they know not, are smart. You can teach them. Those who know not, and know not that they know not, are dumb. You must leave them.”
—Native American Proverb
THE ANSWER ZONE
Below are answers to the “Really Stupid Quizzes.”
1. Escaped Prisoners (page 29) Answer: #2
2. Wacky World Leaders (page 39) Answer: #1
3. Artsy-Fartsy (page 68) Answer: #3
4. Sensitivity (page 191) Answer: #3
5. Those Crazy Teens! (page 202) Answer: #1
6. Those Disturbing Animals! (page 224) Answer: #3
7. Bureaucracy in Action (page 249) Answer: #2
8. The World of Fashion (page 269) Answer: #1
9. Stupidity at Work (page 284) Answer: #2
10. The Rocky Road to Love (page 297) Answer: #2
Uncle John’s Bathoom Reader Classic Series
Find these and other great titles from the Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Classic Series online at www.bathroomreader.com. Or contact us at:
Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
(888) 488-4642
Also available from Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader!
THE LAST PAGE
All good things must come to an end and now is the time to stand up and be counted.
We thank you for your support, and, as always, we look forward to your thoughts, comments, critiques, and (we hope) approval.
For correspondence or comments, contact us at: Uncle John’s Presents Portable Press 5880 Oberlin Drive San Diego, CA 92121
E-mail: unclejohn@advmkt.com
And please consider this your gold-plated invitation to become a member of the Bathroom Reader Society. To join, please contact us through our members’ Web site (www.bathroomreader.com).
Look for new Uncle John’s Presents productions, coming soon to bookstores everywhere:
Uncle John’s Presents: The Great State of Texas Uncle John’s Presents: The Book of Moms Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Puzzle Book #2 Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader for Kids Only #3
Enjoy!
This book is dedicated to Deven Desai, who has long suspected stupidity is everywhere. Here is your proof, Devin.
Copyright © 2003 by Portable Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or
reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission, except in the case of brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Portable Press”
; are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor, Inc.
All rights reserved.
For information, write
The Bathroom Readers’ Press
PO Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
eISBN : 978-1-607-10468-1