Ms. Leakey Is Freaky!

by Dan Gutman

  My Weird School Daze #12

  Ms. Leakey Is Freaky!

  Dan Gutman

  Pictures by Jim Paillot

  To Emma

  Contents

  1. Health Nuts

  2. Clash of the Titans

  3. Girls Rule. Boys Drool.

  4. The Perfect Food

  5. Being Frank

  6. Meet Mr. Slug

  7. Fast Food

  8. Sweets for the Sweet

  9. Ms. Leakey Is Everywhere!

  10. Junk Food Junkies

  11. The New Health Teacher

  About the Author and the Illustrator

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  1

  Health Nuts

  My name is A.J. and I hate school.

  I go to Ella Mentry School. It was named after an old lady named Ella Mentry.

  Every time I tell somebody I go to Ella Mentry School, they always ask, “Which one?”

  “I told you,” I say. “Ella Mentry School.”

  “Everybody goes to elementary school,” they always say.

  “No they don’t,” I tell them.

  “Yes they do.”

  See what I mean? If you ask me, it would have been a lot smarter if they named my school after somebody famous, like George Washington or Lady Gaga.

  My teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. It was Monday morning. Mr. Granite said we had to go to an assembly.* I sat with my friends Michael, Ryan, and Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. In front of us sat crybaby Emily and Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair that I hate.

  After we pledged the allegiance, our principal, Mr. Klutz, climbed up on the stage. He has no hair at all. Mr. Klutz used to have hair, but it fell out. That’s what happens when guys get old. I wonder if he still has his hair in a plastic bag at home so he can look at it and remember what it was like to be young.

  Everybody was talking. So Mr. Klutz made a peace sign with his fingers, which means “Shut up!” We all stopped talking.

  “Kids today eat too much junk food,” he told us. “Too much fat and too much sugar. And you don’t get enough exercise. That’s why I hired Ms. Leakey, our new health teacher. She would like to say a few words.”

  Ms. Leakey came bounding up on the stage like she was in a race or something. We gave her a round of applause by clapping our hands in big circles. She was holding a garbage can cover in one hand and a sword in the other hand. That was weird.

  “Thank you,” Ms. Leakey said. “I’d like to introduce you to my best friends. I hope they’ll become your best friends too.”

  Our media specialist, Mrs. Roopy, came out from behind the curtain. Only she wasn’t dressed like a media specialist. She was wearing a big banana costume.

  Then our reading specialist, Mr. Macky, came out. He was dressed up like a giant peanut.

  Behind Mr. Macky was our school nurse, Mrs. Cooney. She had on a carrot costume. And all three of them were holding swords. It was a real Kodak moment.

  Suddenly, they all started singing…

  “Veggies are so good for you

  Nuts have lots of protein.

  Fruits are fun to peel and chew

  Someday we’ll join a pro team.

  Drink your milk every day

  Eat carrots for your eyes

  Build strong bodies every way

  And get lots of exercise!”

  While they were singing, our Spanish teacher, Miss Holly, our speech teacher, Miss Laney, and our security guard, Officer Spence, came out from behind the curtain on the other side of the stage. They were dressed up like a candy bar, a can of soda, and a donut. And they all had swords.

  “Check out those health nuts!” said Miss Holly.

  “That song is really lame,” said Miss Laney.

  “Fruits and veggies are for losers!” said Officer Spence.

  Ms. Leakey stopped singing and glared at the candy bar, can of soda, and donut.

  “Hey, you bums!” she yelled. “We’re trying to sing a song here. So get off the stage!”

  “Who’s gonna make us?” said Miss Holly.

  “Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,” all the kids in the audience went.

  “We’re going to make you!” said Ms. Leakey.

  “Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,” we all went.

  At that moment, the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. Ms. Leakey yelled, “Charge!”

  And they all started fighting!

  2

  Clash of the Titans

  You should have been there! It was a wild scene on the stage. The banana was sword fighting with the candy bar! The peanut was sword fighting with the can of soda! The carrot was sword fighting with the donut! It was hilarious. And we got to see it live and in person.

  “I’m full of protein!” shouted the peanut as he swung his sword around. “I have lots of energy!”

  “Get lean and mean by eating greens!” shouted the carrot.

  “I’m low in fat!” shouted the banana. “And a good source of fiber and vitamins!”

  “I will make you fat and slow!” shouted the candy bar as she charged with her sword.

  “I will clog your arteries!” shouted the donut.

  “I will ruin your appetite for dinner!” shouted the can of soda.

  They were all running around the stage sword fighting with each other. It was like Clash of the Titans but with food. The banana hit the candy bar over the head, and it toppled over.

  “I fell down and I can’t get up!” shouted the candy bar. “I’m too tired!”

  In front of me, Andrea was talking to her crybaby friend, Emily.

  “This skit is very violent,” she said. “I’m not sure it’s appropriate for children.”

  “Can you possibly be more boring?” I told her.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  Except for Andrea and Emily, all the kids were yelling and screaming with excitement. Up on the stage, the peanut knocked the sword out of the soda can’s hand. The soda can ran away. Everybody cheered. Ms. Leakey and the carrot were fighting with Officer Spence, I mean, the donut. It was awesome.

  “I’m good for you!” shouted the carrot.

  “But I taste better!” shouted the donut.

  “Sugar and fat are my enemies!” shouted Ms. Leakey. “They must be your enemies too.”

  Ms. Leakey kept stabbing her sword at the donut, but Officer Spence was jumping around, so the sword only hit the donut hole. He was fighting back hard, but it was two against one. Ms. Leakey got on one side of him, and the carrot got on his other side.

  “This is for your own good, donut!” shouted Ms. Leakey. “Charge!”

  And then, together, they stabbed the donut!

  “Die, empty calories!” Ms. Leakey shouted.

  Officer Spence let out a scream, and then he fell to his donut knees and started crying.

  When they pulled the swords out of him, chocolate syrup started squirting all over the place like a fountain. I thought I was gonna throw up, but it was cool.

  “This is really inappropriate for children,” said Andrea.

  What is her problem? Andrea is no fun at all.

  “Help!” shouted the donut. “I’m losing my partially hydrogenated corn syrup!”

  “Victory is…sweet!” shouted Ms. Leakey.

  “Oh, untimely death!” Officer Spence moaned. And then he fell forward and stopped moving.

  Ms. Leakey, Mrs. Roopy, Mr. Macky, and Mrs. Cooney went to the front of the stage and took a bow. We all clapped in a big circle.

  “Thank you,” Ms. Leakey said. “I hope you liked our performance. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go do some push-ups.�
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  Then she ran away. We all clapped again.

  Mr. Klutz climbed up on the stage and made the shut up peace sign to calm everybody down.

  “Well, that was exciting!” he said. “So, did you kids learn anything from this skit?”

  “Yeah,” I hollered. “Sword fighting is cool!”

  3

  Girls Rule. Boys Drool.

  The guys and I all agreed that sword fighting was cool. Instead of us playing games in fizz ed, they should let us fight with swords. All that running and jumping and stabbing each other would be good exercise.

  After the assembly we went back to Mr. Granite’s class. It was time for math. I hate math.

  “Let’s say there are fifteen lightbulbs burning in your house,” Mr. Granite told us, “and you turn off seven of them when you leave for school. How many are still burning?”

  “Eight!” we all shouted.

  “Wrong!” said Mr. Granite. “The correct answer is zero. You should never leave any lights burning when you leave your house. It’s a waste of electricity.”

  That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Ms. Leakey, the health teacher, came running into the room. That lady must run everywhere.

  “To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?” asked Mr. Granite.

  That’s grown-up talk for “What are you doing here?”

  “It’s time for health class!” Ms. Leakey said, all excited. “Everybody up on your feet!”

  “Uh, we’re in the middle of a math lesson right now,” said Mr. Granite.

  “Great!” said Ms. Leakey. “The kids can count while they do jumping jacks! Let’s go! One! Two! Three! Four!”

  Mr. Granite didn’t look very happy that his math lesson had been interrupted. He picked up a newspaper and started reading it. We all got up and started doing jumping jacks with Ms. Leakey. I don’t really like to do jumping jacks, but it was better than doing math.

  “Five! Six! Seven! Eight!” shouted Ms. Leakey. “Let’s get that blood flowing!”

  “Ew, disgusting!” I said as I jumped up and down. “I don’t want my blood flowing.”

  “If your blood didn’t flow, you would die, Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.

  “Your face should die,” I told Andrea.

  Ms. Leakey made us touch our toes, reach for the sky, bend over backward, and do all kinds of other weird stuff. Then she told us to sit down so she could talk about nutrition.

  “Your body is like a machine,” Ms. Leakey told us. “The heart is like the engine of your body, and the food you eat is like the battery. Candy, chips, cookies, and junk food make weak batteries. If you want strong batteries, you need to eat fruits and vegetables—things that grow out of the ground.”

  “Ew, I’m not gonna eat something that grew in dirt!” I said. “That’s disgusting.”

  “Sugar grows in dirt,” Ms. Leakey told me.

  “That must be some sweet dirt,” I said.

  “Do you kids know which is the most important meal of the day?” asked Ms. Leakey.

  Little Miss Perfect was waving her arm around like it was on fire. Naturally, Ms. Leakey called on her.

  “Breakfast!” Andrea said, all proud of herself.

  “That’s right,” Ms. Leakey said. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”

  “Breakfast is conceited,” I said. “Mr. Granite told us you shouldn’t think you’re more important than anyone else.”

  I looked at Mr. Granite. He was in the back of the room reading his newspaper. He looked annoyed.

  “Yeah,” said Ryan. “How does that make lunch feel?”

  “Do you think lunch and dinner are jealous of breakfast because it’s more important?” asked Michael.

  “Lunch and dinner don’t have feelings,” Ms. Leakey told us. “They’re just meals.”

  “Didn’t we learn in social studies that all meals are created equal?” I asked.

  “That’s men, dumbhead!” said Andrea. “All men are created equal.”

  “Your face is a man,” I told Andrea.

  “That doesn’t even make sense, Arlo!”

  “Your face doesn’t make sense,” I told Andrea.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “I think breakfast is selfish,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “You eat shellfish for breakfast?” I asked. “That’s weird.”

  “Can we get back on task, please?” said Ms. Leakey. “What I’m trying to say is that what you eat is very important. Don’t you want to grow up to be strong like me?”

  Ms. Leakey flexed her arm muscles like a bodybuilder.

  “I’ll bet you’re not as strong as Mr. Granite,” said Ryan. “He’s really strong.”

  “Oh, yeah? I’ll bet I’m stronger than Mr. Granite!” said Ms. Leakey.

  “Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,” we all went.

  Mr. Granite looked up from his newspaper.

  “Are you challenging me, Ms. Leakey?” he said.

  “Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,” we all went.

  “You wanna arm wrestle?” Ms. Leakey said.

  “Bring it on!” said Mr. Granite.

  “Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,” we all went.

  Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey went to Mr. Granite’s desk and put their elbows next to each other. Ms. Leakey glared at Mr. Granite. Mr. Granite glared at Ms. Leakey. Then they gripped each other’s hands and started arm wrestling.

  “Go, Mr. Granite!” yelled all the boys.

  “You can beat him, Ms. Leakey!” yelled all the girls.

  Mr. Granite and Ms. Leakey were moaning and grunting while their arms moved left and right. There was sweat all over Mr. Granite’s face. And soon Ms. Leakey’s hand was pushing Mr. Granite’s hand toward the desk. She slammed it down with a thud.

  “Victory is sweet!” shouted Ms. Leakey.

  “WOW,” we all went, which is “MOM” upside down.

  All the girls were yelling and screaming and hooting and hollering. All the boys were booing and saying Ms. Leakey cheated.

  And you’ll never believe who walked into the door at that moment.

  Nobody. If you walked into a door it would hurt. But you’ll never believe who walked into the doorway.

  It was Mr. Klutz!

  “What’s going on in here?” he asked. “I heard yelling all the way down the hall.”

  “Ms. Leakey beat Mr. Granite at arm wrestling!” said Andrea.

  “Well, I’ll bet she can’t beat me at arm wrestling!” said Mr. Klutz.

  “Ooooooooooooooohhhhh,” we all went.

  “I’ll take that bet,” said Ms. Leakey.

  Mr. Klutz got into arm wrestling position with Ms. Leakey. They glared at each other.

  “You’re going down,” said Mr. Klutz.

  “I don’t think so!” said Ms. Leakey.

  That’s when the yelling and screaming and grunting and sweating started. And when it was all over, Mr. Klutz was rubbing his arm in pain.

  “Girls rule! Boys drool!” shouted the girls.

  “Is there anyone else you’d like me to humiliate?” asked Ms. Leakey.

  “Yes,” said Mr. Klutz as he pulled out his walkie-talkie. “Officer Spence, will you please report to Mr. Granite’s class?”

  A few minutes later, Officer Spence arrived. He’s a really big guy, and he’s really strong.

  “Is anything wrong?” asked Officer Spence.

  “Yes,” Mr. Klutz said. “Ms. Leakey beat me at arm wrestling. For the sake of all the men in the world, I need you to avenge my defeat.”

  “Sure thing, boss,” said Officer Spence. “No man or woman can beat me at arm wrestling.”

  We were all yelling and screaming and freaking out as Ms. Leakey and Officer Spence started arm wrestling. First he almost pushed her hand all the way down to the desk. Then she almost pushed his hand all the way down to the desk. They went back and forth like that for a while.

  And the
n, finally, Officer Spence was moaning and grunting as his hand moved backward. It looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

  And then he gave up, and his hand hit the desk.

  “Yay!” shouted all the girls.

  “Boo!” shouted all the boys.

  “I think I proved my point,” said Ms. Leakey. “If you eat your fruits and veggies and drink lots of milk, you’ll get strong like me. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go do some sit-ups.”

  With that she ran away.

  Ms. Leakey sure is strong. But she also sure is weird.

  4

  The Perfect Food

  Soon it was time for lunch in the vomitorium. Me and the guys sat at our usual table. Andrea and her girlie friends sat at the next table so they could bother us.

  Michael had a ham sandwich. Ryan bought the school lunch, which is disgusting. He’ll eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food. My mom packed me a peanut butter sandwich and a Twinkie.

  “Do you think we would really get strong if we ate more fruits and veggies?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “It would be cool to be strong like Ms. Leakey,” said Michael. “Then we could sword fight with lots of bad guys dressed like food and beat everybody at arm wrestling.”

  “I ate a piece of asparagus once,” I told the guys. “It was gross. I thought I was gonna die.”

  That’s when Little Miss Know-It-All at the next table turned around.

  “Ms. Leakey is right, you know,” Andrea said. “Eating healthy food is good for your body.”

  When Andrea turned back around, we all made faces at her.

  “Ms. Leakey is weird,” said Ryan. “Why do you think she’s always running out of the room?”

  “She needs to go exercise,” said Michael. “She’s obsessed with exercise.”

  I finished my sandwich and peeled the wrapper off my Twinkie. I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten a Twinkie, but it is the best food in the history of the world. I could eat Twinkies all day long. Well, not in the shower. That would be weird. But Twinkies are the perfect food.