Dissipate

by Kristin Mayer

  The phone rang before Brooklyn had a chance to respond and I approached the desk with the money. Speaking bubbly and helpful, Brooklyn assisted whoever was on the line.

  After she finished, I placed the paperwork and fee on the counter. “Here you go. Do you need anything else?”

  A receipt was filled out and handed back to me. “I think we have everything. Be here tomorrow at eight a.m. They start on time and you’ll forfeit your seat if you’re late.” Before I could respond, she spoke again, “Oh, I forgot to tell you. The results should be back the day after you take the test.”

  “Perfect. It was nice meeting you, Brooklyn. Hopefully I’ll see you around campus.”

  As I tucked the papers into bag, Brooklyn responded, “I have a feeling we will. After the test tomorrow, I could show you around campus if you’d like.”

  I wanted to cry from Brooklyn’s offer. To have someone to spend time with and not be alone would be amazing. At The Society, we simply focused on our chores. Small talk was frowned upon. Matthew and I had a special relationship out of the norm for our community. “Really?” A genuinely appreciative smile spread across my face. “That would be fantastic. I’ll take you up on that.”

  “Yay! I love showing people around. It’ll be fun.”

  We waved good-bye as I made my way back outside. So far, everything was working out. Though it was overwhelming and I was trying to absorb everything about this new place, at least I was making headway. Not knowing how the test was going to turn out was an unsettling queasy feeling. So much uncertainty still hung in the balance that it was hard to celebrate all these small victories. But, I had to remain positive.

  Please let me pass. Please let me get into college. Please.

  I wasn’t sure who I was praying to with all the lies I’d discovered from the Keeper’s teachings.

  Pulling out my map, I trekked to a store called Walmart. It was supposed to be a one-stop shop for everything. That was hard to imagine. Hopefully, I would be able to get all that I needed here. The sun beat down on me and sweat trickled down my spine. My body was tired, exhausted and stressed. The adrenaline high was ebbing.

  As I walked, my thoughts turned to Matthew. Guilt swept through me for not thinking about him and what he must have felt believing I had left to die. I missed him. Besides my mom, he was the person I was closest to. I’d never see him again. For as long as I could remember, I’d imagined a life with Matthew. Even children. The letter from my mom seemed like she wasn’t convinced I was meant to be with him.

  Everything was a mess in my head. All I had known was being questioned.

  A sadness swept over me. In twenty-four hours I’d not only lost my mom, but my best friend. If I had told him, would he have come with me? I wasn’t sure—or that was what I was telling myself to lessen the guilt.

  Until now, my mind had been trying to comprehend the sensory overload I was experiencing. An ache in my heart spread through my chest as I wondered what Matthew was doing. I’d never know what happened to him, be able to talk to him, feel the comfort of his presence again. The full impact hit me as tears escape my eyes.

  After about thirty minutes of walking and introspectively thinking, I approached the big blue sign that said Walmart. The parking lot was packed which seemed promising.

  Walking to the doors, they automatically opened. I stepped through and was greeted by the blissful cool air. Part of me wanted to step back out to repeat the process again to see the doors move like magic, but that would look foolish.

  The lights from the store lit the place up. Unable to move from the front door, I stood there and took it all in. People were bustling in and out quickly. Stations at the front of the store had customers with the carts lined up as people with blue shirts ran items over a belt. There was so much going on, I was rooted in place.

  Someone accidentally bumped me causing me to take a step forward, snapping me out of my moment of awe. The sound of the metal carts being separated had me gravitating toward them. This was what people used to shop.

  An older man in a blue vest greeted me. His demeanor was gentle and helped ease the overwhelming sensations. “Welcome to Walmart. Let us know if we can help you find anything.”

  “I-I-I will. Thank you.”

  Taking the cart, the metal felt cool against my hands. I used it to anchor me to the ground and stay focused. There were so many people. So many things. I’d never seen an abundance like this of anything. Maybe it was a good idea to look at everything in the store before I made a decision on what I needed.

  TWO HOURS LATER, I left the store with a full stomach, new clothes, grooming essentials, water bottle, and protein bars. My mind was frazzled from all the choices. Literally, someone could survive in a Walmart store. They had everything.

  Throughout the store, employees had offered samples of dishes. Food was bland back home, but the flavors of the little bites I tried burst across my tongue. I loved Walmart.

  Looking down at my legs, I kept telling myself that it was okay to wear what they called shorts. To show that much skin was not allowed at The Society. However, I wasn’t in The Society anymore. I was in Fayetteville.

  New place, new rules, new expectations.

  Walmart had been the one-stop shop as promised. For now, I settled on travel size shampoo, conditioner, razors, soap, and deodorant. It was strange what pieces of The Society had integrated from the outside world. We made our own shampoo, soap, and deodorant, but had razors to shave our legs that came from the outside world. The Light required us to keep ourselves shaven and therefore razors were considered an essential.

  When asked once by another Charge, The Keeper said he traded things we made for the essentials we needed which was deemed okay by The Light. I’d probably never understand the reasons behind the different rules that were spun from lies.

  As I walked, I continued to watch everyone closely, making sure The Society hadn’t found me. So far, even though it was only a day, I hadn’t seen anyone I knew. All I wanted to do was find a place where I could close my eyes and relax.

  Now, it was onto the shelter. Per the information on the shelter’s website, check-in wasn’t for two hours. They encouraged people to show up early if they needed a guaranteed spot. Getting cleaned up and a decent night sleep was first on my agenda.

  The placement test had me nervous. At this point, I either knew it or I didn’t. The teaching sessions with Mom hopefully were enough. I treasured those memories of learning anytime we were alone. Working math problems in flour as we cooked had been my writing tablet that was untraceable.

  I was still apprehensive, scared, and overwhelmed from all that was thrown at me, but if I wallowed in it, I’d never survive. One step at a time. Each thing I faced, I’d take in stride and try to learn as quickly as possible. As some of the pieces fell into place, my mom’s explanation of the unauthorized education made more sense as I thought back to a night right before bedtime.

  We laid in bed after our candles had been lit. The wind howled from the outside as a storm battered our small house. The large moon casted shadows along the wall.

  “Mom, why do you teach me in private without the Keeper knowing? Shouldn’t we ask the Keeper to speak to The Light?” My voice was a low whisper.

  My mom shifted over to where I could see her eyes. Sometimes when I looked at my mom, I felt like I was looking at myself in the future.

  Pensively, she thought for a moment. “Sarah, sometimes we have to do what’s right even though it may be against the norm. Knowledge is power and it will someday help you make decisions. I don’t want your choices limited.”

  “Can Matthew be part of your sessions? I think he’d like them.” Matthew and I did as much as we could together. There was no doubt he wouldn’t enjoy the classes.

  For a moment, Mom’s eyes focused on something else in the distance before looking back at me, pleading. “You can’t tell anyone, even Matthew, about my additional teachings. I’m asking you to trust me.”


  Her words didn’t make sense, but my mom would never lie to me. She had a reason. Snuggling into her embrace, I breathed in my mom’s subtle vanilla scent from the soap we made.

  Solemnly, I vowed, “I promise I won’t tell anyone. I love you, Mom.”

  “Love you, too. You’re my world. All that I do and have done, I do for my love of you.”

  Remembering those words, helped soothe the blooming irritation that had begun to take root in my mind. Tears streamed down my face and I hastily wiped them away. At some point, I would have the luxury to cry. I had to be strong. Dealing with my emotions wasn’t an option if I wanted to survive these next few crucial days.

  AFTER THE TEST, Brooklyn and I sat on the lawn under a large tree in front of Old Main, the iconic building on the U of A campus. The test seemed to have gone well. I hoped it went well. Some questions I had no idea about, but overall I felt fairly prepared. But what if mom had taught me wrong? There were still too many what if’s. I tried to push the test from my mind. There was nothing that could be done at this point except . . . wait.

  I continued to absorb the atmosphere of this new world. Students roamed around casually. Apparently, it was the beginning of Rush for the sororities and fraternities. That process in itself was a little mind boggling as Brooklyn explained it.

  A couple sat across the way, close together, stealing kisses. The intimacy intrigued me with them being out in the open. It was hard not to stare. Seeing the closeness had me thinking back to the times I’d wanted Matthew’s lips on mine.

  Overall, my new clothes seemed to help me fit in . . . better. My hair was longer than most girls so I kept it up in a loser bun than what was required at The Society. Cutting it was on the agenda . . . at some point.

  “Do you have a place to stay yet?” Brooklyn’s friendly manner had me warming to her throughout the day. I felt comfortable with her, but reminded myself to stay guarded. There were secrets I couldn’t let slip.

  I flexed my toes into the grass. “I’m staying at a local motel. I need to look for a place tomorrow. Regardless if I get into the school or not, I plan on staying around here.”

  Another lie.

  Brooklyn moved to her knees as she excitedly talked and moved her arms with more emphasis. “Oh, I may have a solution for you.”

  “What’s that?”

  I was barely able to get the question out before Brooklyn spoke. The hope was evident in her voice. “The person I had planned to live with had to go back home unexpectedly and withdraw from school. It’s a two-bedroom place less than a five-minute walk from here. It’s near a U of A bus stop when it rains. I’m looking for a roommate if you’re interested.”

  Is it okay to agree to live with a stranger this fast? Honestly, I didn’t want to go to the shelter every night until I found a place. “What would it cost a month?”

  “Four hundred dollars, which includes all utilities. It’s furnished so you wouldn’t have to get any furniture.”

  Surely, my mom had left me at least that much at the bank considering what her note eluded too. Plus, I’d look for a job once I figured out the school situation. There had been quite a few Help Wanted signs posted in stores on my way to Walmart.

  Quickly, I went through the math of what I would have to make at a job. The rent seemed like a reasonable price. I hoped it was a reasonable price based on the work-study program pay I had seen. “I think that would be doable. When would I be able to move in?”

  “Today! We can go get your stuff. Then, I can take you to the store to get anything you need.” Standing, Brooklyn held out her hand to help me up. “I can show you right now!”

  At this point, it would have to be worse than the shelter for me not to agree. Slipping on my flip flops, I let her help me up. “Sounds good.”

  We walked and some boys played something with an oval shaped ball that was pointed on the ends. My few hours of research on the Internet proved inadequate as I made mental notes on more things to look up.

  Brooklyn waved to someone to the right. She was a beautiful brunette. “That’s a friend of my brothers. If you like the place, I can take you to get your stuff. You said you didn’t have a car earlier.”

  It was still odd, thinking someone as young as Brooklyn had a vehicle. Only the Keeper had been allowed one and only those who helped him negotiate with the outside world were able to ride in it. The more I thought about The Society, the more I wondered what all transactions did take place with the real world.

  Unknowingly, my fingers tightened on the backpack. “This is all I have. We didn’t have much. I sold what I could and wanted a fresh beginning. So here I am—starting over.”

  “That’s scary and pretty cool you did that. I don’t know if I could really do that if given the choice.”

  Giving a placating smile, I hoped we would move past this particular topic. It made sense she’d want to know a little about me, but hopefully not too much. The lies weren’t any easier to swallow, though they were coming off the tongue more naturally.

  Conversation moved to showing me more about the university and the surrounding locales as we crossed the street. A few blocks later, we came to a blue siding apartment building. There were six apartments side by side.

  “We’re unit number six.” Brooklyn unlocked the white door and we walked inside. The place was tidy. “This is the kitchen. It’s small but it has all the essentials for cooking.” There was a small breakfast table in the nook of the far corner. We kept walking to a room with two small couches and end tables. “Here’s the living room. My brother has an extra television, and is going to let us borrow it.”

  Television—another thing to research.

  This was going to be my new home. Home. Involuntarily, my chin trembled as I thought about all I had left. Putting my back to Brooklyn, I pretended to really look at the place as I quelled the feelings.

  A minute later I brightly responded, “This is perfect. I love it.”

  “Oh, yay! Let me show you upstairs.” Climbing up the stairs at a brisk pace we came to a landing. “To the right is my room. Your room would be over there.”

  I followed the path of the cream carpet. The room was about the same size mine had been in The Society. A larger bed set against the far wall and a dresser on the opposite one. One night table of the same dark wood sat to the right of the bed. A door with a bathroom was on the adjacent wall to where I stood.

  “We each have our own bathroom which was what sold me on the apartment in the first place. It’s more expensive than what I’m given for living expenses, but figured I could find someone to help. I hate living alone. I think we are going to be the best roomies!” Brooklyn waltzed into the room as she did a little clap jump thing and her blonde hair swayed.

  Her enthusiasm bubbled inside me. “I think so, too. Thanks for everything, Brooklyn.” To have found someone like Brooklyn was fate. I knew how fortunate I was to have things falling into place this fast. The kindness shown by her had tears nearly springing to my eyes. The emotional damn I’d built was beginning to break.

  “You’re so welcome! You’re helping me out too. I didn’t know what I was going to do about finding someone that wasn’t crazy to live with.”

  Oddly enough, the rambling helped me feel more comfortable and that I didn’t have to speak as much. “Well, I’m glad you didn’t consider me crazy.”

  She laughed and hugged me to her. The contact had me stiff as a board until I remembered how frequently I had seen people hug and touch. I tried to loosen up.

  Brooklyn didn’t seem to notice while she spoke, “Let’s head to the store to get what you need. We can order pizza in celebration of our first night. My treat. I’m going to go to my room and get my purse.” Brooklyn was practically skipping as she returned to her room.

  “Okay, I’ll meet you downstairs.”

  I let out a sigh as I sat on the bed and let the backpack fall to my side. With my newly acquired things, the backpack became heavy on my small frame. Now, I had a pla
ce to leave it. Having a home reduced an enormous amount of stress from me. There was still so much to do and figure out.

  Only two days had passed since I’d buried Mom, yet it seemed like a lifetime ago. Having a place would help me stay under the radar if The Society came to Arkansas which was one less worry. Shelters were one of the first places people went when they didn’t have a place. I closed my eyes for a brief second to try and remember the comforting touch of mom’s embrace. It helped settle me . . . slightly.

  Quickly, I made a mental list of what I would need to get tonight. I’d find a couple of more outfits, bedding, towels and some food to put in the refrigerator. The cheaper the better. Getting to the bank became more important.

  SITTING CROSS LEGGED on our living room floor, I savored the supreme pizza Brooklyn had bought. After one bite, I completely understood why this pizza was called supreme. It was one of the best things I’d eaten.

  There was some red stuff called ketchup that Brooklyn had an obsession with. A huge glob of it was on her plate as she’d dip her pizza into it before taking a big bite.

  “Are you sure you don’t want some more ketchup for your pizza?”

  One bite and I decided pizza should not be tainted—especially with ketchup. “Umm, I’ll pass.”

  She giggled. “Not many have the appreciation they should for it. I’ll get you into the ketchup club eventually. Just wait.”

  I chuckled as she squeezed another huge dollop onto the paper plate. At Walmart I had spent over a hundred twenty-five dollars on everything I needed. Brooklyn had helped me pick out a few more outfits that were supposedly hip.

  The new lingo threw me, but I was adapting. Not once, did Brooklyn complain about my need to shop the clearance racks and helped search out the best deals. It was freeing not feeling judged, because every other second of the day I felt like I was on display.

  “So, the results from your test should be at the office by nine in the morning. I have to work until four, but then we can hang if you want.” Shoving the last bite of pizza in her mouth, Brooklyn laid back against the couch with her hands on her stomach.