No More Mr. Nice Guy

by Carl Weber

  “Wasn’t like I had a damn choice after they shot my leg up with friendly fire in the first Gulf War.” I’d been a Marine for almost ten years when a stupid sergeant used real ammo on a training exercise and shot me in the leg. They gave me a purple heart and an honorable discharge, but that was the end of my soldiering. Still, I guess my military service had made an impact on Niles. He swore that my being a soldier was half the reason he joined the Army.

  “Besides, that’s my big sister. She took care of me before you were even born. It was the least I could do.”

  “Well, I appreciate it nonetheless,” he said.

  The waitress placed our drinks in front of us. “Anything else I can get you gentlemen before I bring out your food?”

  I wanted to say she could give me her phone number, but the way she was smiling in my nephew’s face like he was Valentino or something, I knew I didn’t have a chance, so I just picked up my drink and took a sip.

  When the waitress walked away, I turned to Niles and asked, “So, what you gonna do now that this consulting thing done fell through?”

  He shrugged, taking a sip of his beer. “I don’t know. I saw a couple of billboards in the city for the NYPD. And one of the cops at the house said the Suffolk County Police are looking for minority recruits.”

  “Shit, Suffolk County Police are always looking for minorities. That’s why half of us are locked up,” I joked halfheartedly, sitting back in my seat. “I’ll be honest with you, Niles. I never figured you for a cop, but it makes sense with all that military training you done got. Shit, you could probably be SWAT.”

  “What?” He put down his drink and stared at me.

  “If you’re willing to be a cop, why’d you turn that job down with Dynamic Defense? Shit, two hundred grand a year is a lot of bread to walk away from. I mean, to be honest, all they’re asking you to do is the same shit you was doing for Uncle Sam the past ten years, but they’re willing to pay you handsomely to do it.”

  “Yeah, but when I was in the Army, at least I could pretend I was doing it for my country. With these guys, who the fuck knows what their real agenda is? Look, Unc, I got no regrets about turning them down. Something just didn’t feel right.”

  “I hear ya,” I said, nodding my understanding even though I really didn’t get it. That boy was walking away from a shitload of money. Money only a crazy man would walk away from.

  “I will tell you one regret I have about not working with Dynamic Defense.”

  “Oh, yeah? What’s that?” I asked. The boy had a mysterious grin on his face all of a sudden.

  “That woman Bridget. I wish I had gotten her phone number. Unc, she looked like something straight outta one of one of those women’s magazines: professional yet sexy.”

  “She was that fine, huh?” I tried to form an image in my mind.

  “Mm-mm-mmmph. Was she.” He shook his head slowly. “I’m not in the habit of paying for pussy, but I’d pay to get some of that. Sex with her is probably a once-in-a-lifetime experience.”

  “Damn, what you trying to say? She got some bucket list pussy?”

  “Something like that.” He raised his glass and I tapped mine against his, giving an informal toast to the bad-ass beauty of this woman Bridget.

  The waitress brought our burgers over, and we dug in, not speaking again for a while as we filled our empty stomachs.

  About halfway through the meal, Niles threw me a curve ball. “So, Unc, what happened to your cab?”

  I should have figured he was gonna bring that up sooner or later. I exhaled loudly and dropped my head, not really wanting to discuss it. I’d bought a cab with money the government gave me for getting shot up. Made a pretty good living driving it, too, until I got two DUIs and they took my hack license and impounded the car.

  When I admitted that to Niles, I could see he wanted to comment, but he held his tongue.

  “I know it was stupid,” I said, “but dealing with your mother drove me to drink.”

  Niles nodded his head. “Yeah, I can imagine. Taking care of Ma can be stressful. But, Unc, you gotta stop that binge drinking, man. You’re gonna kill yourself.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I replied then downed half my drink.

  “Look, don’t worry about money,” Niles said. “I got a little something stashed away. We’ll be all right until I land something.”

  I lifted my head, mustering up what little pride I had left. “Look, Niles, I don’t want you spending your money on me. I don’t need your charity. Shit, I’m a veteran. I got a pension, and I’ll find myself another job soon. You can’t be the only Monroe man who is employable.”

  “I hear you, Unc.” He picked up his beer and clinked it against my drink. “Besides, what the hell are we talking about all this depressing shit for with all these fine women up in here? Five o’clock to your right.”

  I followed his gaze over to three women who were turned away from us as they moved toward a booth. From my vantage point, I knew exactly which one of the three had caught his interest. I laughed, nudging him playfully.

  “Damn, she’s right up your alley, ain’t she?”

  The woman he was looking at turned toward us. She was a very pretty light-skinned woman with a small top and large, shapely hips. Niles had always been an ass man, and this woman had ass for days.

  “Don’t act like the one on her right isn’t up yours,” he said.

  I studied her friend a little closer. “Oh, yeah, she got some big-ass titties.”

  Niles and the curvy sister locked eyes, and from that moment on, it was as if everything and everyone in the room went spinning and faded away. I swear to God he couldn’t hear or see anything but her.

  “Niles. You okay, man? Niles?”

  He lifted his hand casually to silence me as she approached.

  “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Ms. Keisha Smalls.” Niles broke into a broad grin as she sashayed in front of us.

  “Niles Monroe.” She had left barely an inch between them, both of them standing there grinning like two fools. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

  “You’re not so bad on the eyes yourself.” The poor boy was cheesing like a little kid.

  “You two going to get a room? Because if not, I’d like you to introduce me to your pretty friend over there in the purple dress.” By now I was on my second drink, so if I said something stupid, I would blame it on the alcohol. “I’m Willie, by the way.” I offered her my hand, and she tore her attention away from Niles long enough to shake it.

  “Keisha.” She smiled at me, but her thoughts were obviously still on Niles. “Sure I’ll introduce you—if your friend buys me the drink he’s been owing me for almost six years.”

  I glanced at Niles, and he nodded. “Sure. We’ll buy you ladies a couple of drinks.”

  Keisha twisted around in the same spot, like a young girl standing nervously in front of her high school crush. “Then I’ll go get my friends. I’ll be right back.”

  I nudged Niles as she walked back to talk to her friends. “Damn, she got one hell of a doo-doo maker on her, don’t she?”

  “Where the hell do you come up with this stuff?” Niles shook his head, but he couldn’t help but chuckle.

  “I don’t know. I just say what’s on my mind. The women seem to love it. They say it’s refreshing.” I finished off what was left of my drink. “So what’s her story? It’s pretty obvious you got some kind of connection.”

  “Who? Me and Keisha? Man, Nia introduced us a while back, and we should have got together, but either one or both of us was always getting into or out of a relationship.”

  “Well, you obviously never forgot about her,” I said.

  “Yeah, there was just something about her.”

  “Yeah, she got a phat ass,” I joked.

  “She’s more than just a phat ass, Unc. It’s very possible Keisha’s the one that got away.”

  “Well, don’t let her get away tonight, ’cause I wanna get with her friend. You see t
he tits on that broad?”

  Niles tapped my arm to shut me up as Keisha approached.

  “Y’all want to join us?” she asked.

  Before Niles could even settle the tab, I was already across the room, introducing myself to her friend. By the time he arrived at the table, I had settled between the two women, who were introduced to me as Tanya and Jasmine. They were Keisha’s best friends, and she had dragged them out to celebrate—only they wouldn’t tell me what they were celebrating.

  “I’ll tell you right now,” I said to the girls. “I like to drink and I like to laugh, so if y’all don’t like to have fun, tell me now and I’ll carry my ass.”

  “Laughter is good,” Jasmine replied.

  “But drinking is better,” Tanya added.

  I thought Tanya was pretty from afar, but she looked even better close up.

  Niles slid in next to Keisha. She leaned in closer and pressed her body against his side.

  “So how are the Marines treating you?” she asked.

  “It was the Army, and I’m done with all that. I’m home for good now,” Niles replied.

  “Wow, that’s great. So how’s your sister Nia? I haven’t seen her in a long time. I used to run into her, but then . . .”

  “She got strung out,” Niles replied, and the poor girl just shut up abruptly.

  “She was in pretty bad shape last time I saw her,” Keisha said sadly.

  “She died of an overdose two years ago. I didn’t get to make it back for the funeral. I was in Afghanistan,” Niles replied. “I didn’t even find out until a month later.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” Keisha placed a hand on top of his in a move that was either comforting or flirting. I couldn’t tell which.

  The waitress walked by, and I stuck out my hand, smiling at Tanya the whole time. “You know what? I think it’s a good time for us to order some drinks.”

  Niles

  8

  “I win!” Keisha’s friend Tanya proclaimed happily as she slammed her shot glass down on the table just before Willie did his. This was their second round of shots, and I was pretty sure Willie was letting her win. The two of them were getting along like old friends.

  “Damn, that was close. Three outta four?” Willie challenged, signaling for the waitress to bring them another round. He draped his arm around Tanya’s shoulder and turned to me and Keisha. “You two want some of this?”

  Keisha rubbed up against me. “No, I’m pretty much a lightweight. I drink any more and I might not remember what happened in the morning.”

  “And we definitely want you to remember what happens tonight.” I eyed her flirtatiously.

  “So what are we doing here? Let’s blow this Popsicle stand. Shit, I got a bottle of white Hennessey I been waiting to crack open for just such an occasion. Y’all wanna go back to the house?” Willie asked.

  Keisha glanced over at her girl as if Tanya was the real decision maker. Tanya leaned her head against Willie, giggling. “Sure. Sounds like fun.”

  “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout. Let’s get the hell outta here.” Willie smiled so wide I could see every tooth in his mouth.

  We stood up and were about to head out the door when a thuggish young dude shouted at Keisha.

  “Yo, Keisha! What the fuck you doing here? You supposed to be at home watching MJ!” he barked. He was about fifteen feet away, flanked by two other wannabe gangstas who were at his side, and they were closing ranks fast.

  “He’s home with my mother. Don’t come in here acting like you got ownership on what I’m doing, Rodney,” she snapped at him. She was giving him attitude, but I was close enough to sense the fear his presence had brought.

  “Is there a problem?” I whispered to Keisha. The last thing I wanted to do was to get in the middle of other people’s domestic issues, but I stepped in front of Keisha just in case something jumped off.

  “No, there shouldn’t be,” she whispered. I sensed that if this asshole hadn’t been glaring down at us, I could have gotten the full story. “But let’s get outta here before he starts drinking and makes it one.”

  “And who the fuck is this nigga?” Rodney asked, jerking his head in my direction.

  “He’s a friend of mine, and let’s get something straight. I don’t report to you. Now, you need to take your ass and sit it down somewhere,” Keisha said.

  “I don’t know who you think you’re talking to, but you wouldn’t be talking this shit if Majestic wasn’t locked up.” He reached for her wrist. “Come on. I’m taking your ass home.”

  I snatched his arm before he could put a hand on her. “Don’t touch the lady,” I said, my voice laced with the threat of violence.

  “You got a motherfuckin’ problem?” He snatched his hand back. His shouting had caused the entire bar to fall into a quick silence in anticipation of some action. Wouldn’t be the first beat down this bar had ever seen.

  “No, I got no problem, but you will if you try to put your hands on her again.”

  Keisha placed her hand on mine, trying to stop things before they got out of control. “Come on, Niles. He’s not worth it.”

  “Who the fuck is this nigga? Sir Lancelot? Keisha, you better tell him something before his ass ends up pushing up daisies.”

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling myself ready to snap. People like Rodney always had to make things difficult for themselves. Willie saw that I was reaching my breaking point.

  “Look, why don’t you fellas go over to the bar and have a drink on me? Ain’t nobody looking for trouble. Trust me. Y’all don’t wanna get hurt,” Willie said calmly.

  Rodney wasn’t backing down. “What you trying to say, nigga? You bitches wanna take it outside?” He laughed with his boys like it was the funniest shit they’d ever heard.

  “Trust me. You don’t want to do that,” I warned him.

  “The fuck I don’t. Bring your ass outside,” Rodney yelled, jumping around all pumped up by his backup.

  “Yeah, that’s right. Take his ass outside and fuck his ass up, Rod.” The thug on his right egged him on.

  Well, damn, if these dudes weren’t going to give up, I decided, then they left me no choice but to give them what they were asking for. I gestured to the back door.

  Keisha took hold of my arm. “Niles, don’t. He doesn’t fight fair.”

  “It’s all right. We just gonna go out there and talk like gentlemen. Isn’t that right, fellas?” I leaned over and gave her a kiss, partly because I had wanted to do that since I saw her, and also because I knew it would send Rodney over the edge.

  “Yeah, we gonna talk all right.” Rodney slammed his fist into his palm.

  “Okay, gentlemen, let’s go outside and have our talk.” I took off my jacket and started walking toward the back door.

  “Aren’t you going with him?” I heard Keisha ask Willie.

  I had to laugh at his response, the last thing I heard before I walked out the back door.

  “Nah, he can handle this. Trust me. I’d just be in the way. ”

  We walked outside into a dimly lit ally. Rodney, who was standing between his two friends, didn’t waste any time. He rushed at me wildly, telegraphing his punches from a mile away. It didn’t look like I had to worry about any formal training on their part.

  I side-stepped him, sending my fist crashing into his stomach and knocking the wind out of him.

  “Had enough, punk?” When he couldn’t answer, I taunted him with, “Oh, I’m sorry. It’s kind of hard to talk when you can’t breathe, isn’t it?”

  I was tempted to hit his ass again, but there was really no need. His ass should have gotten the message. Besides, dude still couldn’t even catch his breath. I almost felt sorry for his weak ass.

  “Now, I don’t know what the fuck is going on between you and Keisha, but while I’m around, you keep your hands to yourself. We clear on that?” I said.

  One of his boys grabbed me from behind. Big mistake on his part, becau
se I hit him twice with a bolo punch aimed at his throat.

  “Damn, I know that’s gotta hurt,” I said.

  He grabbed his throat and fell to his knees.

  “But not as much as this.” I gave him a swift kick to his jaw, and he fell backward.

  I spun around to check on Rodney and came face-to-face with the third dude, who had picked up a pipe of some sort. I’d been nice to the first two, but I wasn’t going to play games with this guy holding a weapon.

  Wait for it, I told myself as he came closer. Wait for it. As soon as he was close enough, I dropped to the ground and swivel-kicked his legs from under him, grabbing the pipe out of his hands before he hit the ground.

  “You deserve this shit,” I told him, smashing the pipe into his ribcage three times. I heard something crack, so I was sure he wasn’t getting up anytime soon.

  Click. Click

  I froze for a second when I was caught off guard by the distinct sound of a bullet being slid into the chamber of a 9 Glock. I turned around cautiously to see Rodney pointing a gun at me.

  “Yeah, motherfucker,” he said cockily, pointing the gun at my chest. “Let’s see what that Bruce Lee shit does against this nine. Now, drop the pipe.”

  “I guess Keisha was right. You don’t fight fair.”

  “Ain’t no such thing as a fair fight. Either you win or you lose. Now, I said drop the fucking pipe.”

  “You ever kill anyone, Rodney?” I asked.

  I think my question confused him, because instead of spouting off at the mouth, he went silent. “I only ask because the gangsta way you’re holding the gun sideways gives you a thirty percent less chance of hitting your target, even at this range.”

  He tried to straighten out the gun, which gave me just enough time to whiz the pipe at him and duck to my left, in case the gun went off. Instinctively, he raised his hand to protect himself. I was on him like white on rice, landing a swift kick to his chest that allowed me to wrestle the gun from his hand and point it at his head.

  “So, Rodney, what d’you think? Is it a good day to die?” I took out a piece of gum and popped it in my mouth to calm my nerves. Now it was my turn to show him exactly who he was fucking with.