All That's Left

by Emma Doherty

  This is not good. This is really not good. Whilst the underwear I’m wearing isn’t the skimpiest I own, it’s definitely not covering my whole arse, and the white tank top, which leaves several inches of my stomach on display, has been worn and washed so many times there’s a very strong chance it could be see-through. It takes everything in me not to cross my arms over my chest and run out of the room.

  This is actually my worst nightmare.

  “Guys!” Ethan enters from the opposite entrance to the kitchen and comes skidding to a halt. “I ordered the pizza, and I’m just setting up—” He catches sight of me and total horror covers face. “Jesus, Biz! What the hell are you doing?!”

  I’m way too hungover to be able to respond to him in a reasonable amount of time.

  “Oh my God.” He uses his left hand to cover his eyes like he’s been scarred by what he’s seen. “Gross! Put some clothes on. Why are you dressed like that?”

  I just kind of stare at him. I don’t think anything I say is going to help this situation.

  “Biz!” he shouts. “My friends don’t want to see you like that.”

  That finally spurs me into action. “Well then tell them to stop looking,” I say, because they’re definitely looking. “I’m only getting water and then I’m gone.”

  I walk over to the fridge, open it up, and grab a water bottle, aware that I’m giving them a great view but past caring. At this point, is there really any point in trying to cover up?

  “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Ethan snaps, coming up behind me, and the next thing I know I have the black zip-up hoody he was just wearing draped over my body. “Cover yourself up.”

  “Bro, that doesn’t really help,” Logan pipes up, indicating the hoody Ethan’s just put on me. He’s right—they’ve already seen most of it. “It just makes her look like she climbed out of some guy’s bed.”

  “Shut up,” Ethan throws back immediately. “I swear to God, Logan, I will knock you out.” He turns back to me. “Seriously, you couldn’t put some pants on?”

  I turn around to glare at him. He thinks I did this on purpose? “Oh, because it’s my fault you turned up with half the school at the crack of dawn,” I snap at him. “You’re never here in the mornings. Don’t you have a gym to get to or something?”

  His jaw sets. “Morning? Izzy, it’s nearly 3pm.”

  Oh. I didn’t know that.

  “And I texted you to see if you wanted to have some pizza with us.”

  “Yes,” I start irritably, “well, considering I’ve lost my phone, that’s not exactly helpful.”

  He closes his eyes in irritation. “Well maybe if you didn’t get in at 5am you’d know what time it is and where your phone is.”

  I scowl and move to go around him, clutching the water bottle in my hand. I glance over at his friends, who are all still staring at me—well, except Matty, who is scrolling through his phone, and Finn, who is studiously focussing on the clock behind my head.

  “Um, Izzy?” Logan starts, a small smile playing on his lips. He point to his neck. “You’ve got a little something…”

  I inwardly wince as I remember Danny kissing and biting at my neck. I will kill him if he’s given me a love bite.

  Ethan’s face screws up as he takes a closer look. “What the hell? Where’d you get that from?”

  Really? “Use your imagination.” And just because I’m pissed at him for acting like I purposely walked in on his friends half naked, I add on, “What did you think I was doing until 5am?”

  There’s a low whistle and a couple of snickers. I don’t care. Don’t tell me every single one of them isn’t hooking up every chance they get, and Ethan’s the biggest hypocrite of all. There’s no way he and Evie aren’t going at it all the time.

  Ethan looks like he’s about to explode.

  “Whatever, I’m out,” I tell him, moving towards the door and actually feeling slightly grateful that his hoody is so long it covers me to the tops of my thighs. I exit just as loud chatter breaks out from his friends, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. All I can hear is Ethan shouting that if any of them mention his sister’s body to him, he’ll end them.

  I make it back to Marcus’s bar shortly before 6pm. I tried to go back to sleep after that disaster in the kitchen, but when I kept tossing and turning, I gave up, got showered, and figured I’d better try to track down my phone.

  I cautiously pull the door open, immediately feeling more comfortable in the darkness of the room, and make my way over to the bar. Marcus is wiping it down and looks up as the door opens but immediately turns back to his task with his jaw clenched tightly .

  “Hey.”

  He ignores me whilst I slide into a bar seat.

  “I don’t suppose you’re likely to serve me?”

  He lets out a grunt of disbelief, and it’s the only sign that he’s heard me.

  I sigh, glancing around. The place already has a steady stream of people drinking beers and digging into food, but it’s completely spotless, no sign of the party that raged in here last night. “Did I leave my phone here last night?” I’m really hoping it’s not at Danny’s. I do not want to have to go back there. “I don’t have it.”

  He stiffens slightly at this, but after a minute, he rounds the bar and disappears into his back office, returning with my phone in hand.

  I reach for it, see it’s still switched off—something I did as soon as I entered the bar last night—and power it on. I’m just waiting to see if I have any messages when I feel Marcus’s stare on me. I look up to see him positively glaring at me.

  “What?”

  “WHAT?! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?”

  I let out a hiss at the sudden noise that does not help the state of my head. “Look, I don’t know what your problem is, but I just came to get my phone. If you’re not going to serve me then I’ll get out of here.”

  “My problem, Izzy, is that last night you left with one of the biggest jackasses in town.”

  “Yeah, well, I seem to remember you telling me to leave.”

  “Yes, I told you to get out of the bar because I couldn’t keep an eye on you.”

  “I don’t need a babysitter, Marcus.”

  “And then you walk out of here with Danny Fields, the biggest asshole in my entire high school.”

  “He was willing to show me where another bar was, and I wasn’t done. Don’t presume that just because you’ve known me for a couple of weeks, you know what’s best for me.”

  “Well I can definitely tell you what’s not best for you! And that is Danny Fields. He’s been shitting all over people since high school.”

  I snort. “Is that what you’re worried about? Him breaking my heart? There’s no fear of that happening.”

  “What did you do when you left here?”

  He has no right to question me, but honestly I’m not ashamed of what I did, and I don’t care if he judges me for it. “We went to a bar to score some coke then went back to his, where we drank half a bottle of tequila.”

  His face turns red with anger. Honestly, I’m not sure who he’s more pissed off with. Something tells me he has history with Danny.

  “And then?”

  “And then he put the moves on me and we started fooling around.”

  He shakes his head in disgust. “You had sex with him?”

  I watch him for a minute, watch how angry he seems to be at the thought of that. “No. He couldn’t get it up. Then he got all mad and angry and knocked over a lamp. That brought his mum rushing in, and she insisted I go sleep in the spare room as it was the Christian thing to do.”

  He can’t help it; he starts laughing. I let a small smile escape. It really is funny. Danny was absolutely mortified and started shouting at her whilst she stood there in her dressing gown, telling him off and insisting I should stay the night in a comfortable bed.

  “He couldn’t get it up?”

  I shake my head. “Nope.”

  That makes him smile for a second befo
re he remembers he’s mad at me and his face returns to its stern expression. “Must have been disappointing for you.”

  I shrug. I’m not going to act like I wouldn’t have done it, but by that point the drugs had entered my system and I was already feeling better. I’d already started to forget. I could have taken or left the sex.

  He won’t let it go. “You’re actually attracted to Danny Fields? You actually wanted to have sex with him?”

  I sigh. “No. I’m pretty sure he’s a complete idiot, but you kicked me out of here and he offered to show me a bar. I wasn’t done with my night.”

  “So that’s your way of saying thank you?!”

  “No! It’s not a big deal. It didn’t happen, and even if it had, it wouldn’t have meant anything.”

  He stares at me like he’s trying to figure me out, but I’m not about to explain to him that since my mum died, I feel so helpless that sometimes not even alcohol or drugs help me lose myself. Sometimes it seems like the only option is to have sex with a stranger, to make that choice and to have that power over another person, if only for a couple of seconds. Sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing I can control.

  “What was going on with you yesterday? You were distracted all night and seemed on a mission to end yourself.”

  What can I say to that? My brother went behind my back to my dad and forced me to move over here away from everything and everyone I know?

  “You’re not going to tell me?”

  “Look, I clearly made you mad at me and I’m sorry.”

  “How do you think it made me feel seeing you leave here with him last night?”

  I shrug. “Pissed by the sound of it. You clearly don’t like the guy.”

  “Forget about Danny,” he snaps. “How do you think it made me feel seeing you specifically leave here last night with another guy?”

  I’m startled into silence. I haven’t been able to define my relationship with Marcus since I’ve been in this town. What I do know is he’s the only one I feel as though I can be even remotely myself around.

  He rolls his eyes at my reaction. “Don’t look so surprised.”

  “Well I am. You spend half your time treating me like I’m some annoying kid sister.”

  He snorts. “Well you act like it.”

  “I didn’—”

  “Look, I didn’t know I felt like that about you until last night either, but I didn’t like you walking out of here with Danny Fields, and I don’t think I’d like it if you walked out of here with anyone else either. When you’re not trying to completely destroy yourself for whatever reason you won’t tell me about, you can hold a decent conversation, and well…” He shrugs. “I suppose you’re not bad to look at.”

  This makes me smile.

  He grins back at me. “I mean, you’re not on my level, of course, but you’ll do.”

  I laugh, and a warm feeling takes over my chest.

  “So what do you think?”

  “I dunno.” It’s the honest truth. “But I do know I like being around you. I feel like I can be myself with you.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay.”

  We both just stare at each other, smiling for a couple of minutes before he leans down on the bar, propping his chin up with his hands so his face is level with mine.

  “I’m going away for a few days to visit my grandpa, but I’ll be back by next weekend.”

  I nod, glad he’s telling me this information, glad he thinks I’m important enough in his life to inform me.

  “Let’s go on a date, you and me, next Saturday.”

  “A date?”

  He nods. “Let’s see if there’s anything to it. We can see if we’re just going to be very good friends or if there’s going to be something more to us.”

  I smile. I like how he’s as unsure about this as I am but still wants to figure it out, and how even if it doesn’t work out romantically, he still wants to be friends.

  “Next Saturday?” I confirm.

  He grins. “Next Saturday, 1pm.”

  “Why did I have a bunch of kids off the JV team ask if they can come to my house this weekend to watch game tape?” I demand the second I meet up with Finn and Matty after my chemistry class.

  Finn winces, and Matty starts to laugh as we all turn and start walking down the hallway to the library. We all have study hall for the rest of the day.

  “You sure you wanna know?” Matty asks with a grin in my direction.

  Probably not.

  When I don’t respond, he continues. “Okay, but remember I’m just the messenger.”

  I roll my eyes as we walk past a bunch of freshman girls who are openly gawping at Finn and then break out into fits of giggles after we’ve passed by. “Izzy?”

  Matty can’t wipe the smirk from his face. “Well, you know how everyone thought she was stupid hot before? Like on her first day?”

  No. Well, I wish I didn’t know that. The thought of any of them thinking about my sister like that makes me want to vomit. “Whatever.”

  Finn snorts. “Yeah, well, after Saturday at your place, that opinion has been fully confirmed.”

  I don’t like the sound of that. “Go on…”

  Matty holds his hands up like he’s pre-empting an attack. “It might have gotten around to the rest of the team that she looks even better with no clothes on…and they might have told the rest of the school.”

  My head snaps to face him, and he immediately jumps back like he thinks I’m going to hit him.

  “Hey, hey, I didn’t say it. I’m just telling you.”

  I grind my teeth together. Like seeing my twin half naked in front of my horny-ass friends isn’t bad enough, now half the damn school wishes they had been there too. “No one is coming to my house again,” I warn them. “Ever.”

  Matty chuckles. “It’s made Lila and Evie even more pissed,” he tells me. “They were bitching about it at lunch before you showed up.”

  “Let them bitch,” Finn says dryly, reaching into his pocket to grab his phone. “They’re just jealous.”

  Matty smirks. “They were acting like she walked in like that on purpose.”

  That’s definitely not the case. Izzy couldn’t care less what my friends think about her, and something tells me it’s that attitude that is making her more and more appealing to them.

  “They just hate that she doesn’t want to be friends with them,” Finn says with a smirk. “Can’t say I blame her.”

  I groan. Finn isn’t a fan of his ex, Lila, or my girlfriend. He usually keeps his opinion about Evie to himself around me, but in this case, I think he might be right. Evie hasn’t stopped complaining to me since Izzy got here. My sister has no interest in getting to know my girlfriend, it’s making her more and more irate, and she wants me to sort it out. How she thinks I’m going to do that, I have no idea, but if Izzy would just be nice to Evie, it would make my life a whole lot easier.

  Honestly, I’m into Evie and everything, but I have so much going on at the moment that her bitching at me is just making me want to spend less and less time with her.

  “Carlington!”

  I turn to see Coach Dyson rushing down the corridor towards me, flanked by two of his assistant coaches.

  “I just got confirmation that Jimmy Vox is coming to the game on Friday.”

  Holy crap.

  Matty snaps his head to me, his grin spread wide as Finn grips my shoulders and sort of shakes me in what I can only assume is his way of showing his excitement.

  Coach turns to Matty and Finn. “You boys can impress too. You never know what will happen.”

  He glances down at his watch, mumbles something about a meeting, and then disappears, leaving me behind with my heart thudding in my chest.

  “Amazing, E,” Finn say, his eyes lit up.

  I nod but try not to get too excited. So what if the scouts from my dream college are coming to see me for a second time? I can’t get carried away.

  “It’s gonna happe
n,” Matty says.

  This is what I love about my friends. They’re not even a little bit jealous that a Big Ten school is looking at me—well, several of the schools, actually. They just want what is best for me, and they’re proud of me. Finn will get a college ball scholarship, too—he’s a great wide receiver—but he’s the first to admit it won’t be in the Big Ten, and I don’t think Matty’s decided if he’s going to go to college yet, but that doesn’t stop him being excited for me.

  “I can’t mess this up.”

  “You won’t,” Finn assures me. “You’ve put in the work and now it’s time to show what you can do. There’s no way you’re not gonna get the offer you want from the team you want.”

  It feels good to know my friends and the rest of the team are behind me in this, but if I’m honest, I really wish I had some family there to support me like the rest of the guys have. I used to play so much better and enjoy it so much more on one of the rare occasions Mum was there when she was visiting. My dad has been once or twice, but he’s never around, and even when he is, it’s all about appearances, not about supporting me. I have the fleeting thought that maybe Izzy might come, but I dismiss it quickly. She wouldn’t come even if I asked her.

  Even if I really wanted her to. Would she?

  I want this so bad it hurts. I love football, I really do, but I also love what it represents and what a career in football can give me—a good life and total independence.

  But trying to figure out where I want to go to college and which people to trust has proven harder than I thought it would. On more than one occasion, I’ve wished my mum were here to help me figure it out.

  I really, really wish she were on the other end of the phone like she used to be.

  Deacon Phillips, one of our buddies off the team, waves as he walks towards us. “Did you hear about your sister last period?”

  I groan out loud, any nerves I feel about Friday pushed to the back of my mind as the one big problem in my life right now is brought up. “What did she do now?”

  Deacon grins over at Matty. “He saw it too.”