All That's Left

by Emma Doherty

  “Aw, come on, Izzy.” I turn to see Matty stood to my left. He’s looking nervously between the two of us. “Come get food with us, or come to the game tonight. We wanna be friends, and he’s not that bad.”

  “Yeah, Izzy, this is the Ethan Carlington we’re talking about,” Logan jokes, clearly trying to clear the air. “The guy is a legend around here.”

  “Shut up,” Ethan mutters, clearly a little embarrassed as he finally looks away from me. “She’s my sister. She doesn’t care about that.”

  “Well she should.” Logan turns back to me, a grin on his face, and I can tell he’s only half joking. “This guy here took us to state and won it for us. You should have seen this pass he sent to Finn. It was fucking golden. He’s the reason we won it for the first time in fifty years.” My posture straightens at the mention of that game. “You should be proud of him.”

  “Don’t,” Ethan says instantly. “Don’t talk about that day.”

  Logan looks confused, and then understanding dawns on his face and he pales. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “It’s okay,” I say, trying really hard to hold it together.

  “It’s not okay though, is it, Izzy?” Ethan says, his voice suddenly so sad it brings tears to my eyes.

  No, it’s not okay. None of it is okay.

  I blink rapidly trying to get rid of the tears. I can’t do this. I can’t talk about her. I turn to move away but he steps in front of me, blocking the way.

  “Ethan—”

  “Say it. Say what I know you’re thinking.”

  I shake my head. I can’t think about it, can’t think about that day.

  “Say it, Biz.”

  I won’t do it.

  “You’ve never said it and I need to hear it.”

  “Stop it.”

  “I need you to say it. I need you to tell me what you think about it.”

  I shake my head.

  “I need you to tell me it’s okay.”

  I still don’t say a word.

  “Say it.”

  “FINE!” I explode. “Fine.” I step closer to him. “You want to hear what I think? I think you should have been there. I think you should have ignored everything she said about coming over after you’d played your game and just been there. I think you should have thought cancer is so fucking unpredictable and can change in hours and you should have thought she might not have long enough for you to play a stupid football game. You should have been there, and then when it became obvious that she didn’t have weeks left, that the days she was promised were suddenly hours, you should have answered your damn phone so you could speak to her.”

  Tears are openly leaking down his face now.

  “And you should have been there with me.” A sob chokes out of me. “I needed you, Ethan. I really needed my brother.”

  He looks devastated. Absolutely devastated.

  A part of me feels better that I’ve said all that, that I’ve finally said what’s been on my mind for months and that he’s clearly wanted to speak about. But, another bigger part of me knows those words will hurt him more than anything else ever could and I’ll never be able to take them back. “Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

  He takes a step towards me. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It doesn’t matter if you’re sorry, Ethan. It’s what happened and you can’t change that. So I’m sorry if I’m not always down for making an effort with you. I’m sorry if I can’t forget everything.”

  “I wish I hadn’t listened to her. Every single day I wish I’d gotten on a flight the second I heard she was sick and stayed there with you guys.”

  It’s what he should have done but didn’t, and you can’t change the past.

  “I miss her so much,” he tells me, and I shake my head rapidly.

  I can’t hear this right now. I can’t go back to that day.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t care if you’re sorry,” I snap before I can think. “I don’t care if you’re suffering. You should have been there. I’m sorry that when I come over here and I hear you’re a legend because of that football game, hear the girls and the scouts love you because you won a stupid game of football, I just don’t care about you and the perfect life you’ve been living over here. I don’t care one bit, because it just reminds me of her. It reminds me how much pain she was in and how much I needed you at that time, how much she needed you and you weren’t there.”

  “Biz—”

  “And I hate that stupid banner. I hate that it’s hanging up in town and is hanging up in school. Every single time I see it it reminds me of how powerless I was on that day and how I was all alone and couldn’t do anything to help her whilst you were celebrating a stupid football game.”

  I take a deep breath. The words are spilling out of me now that I’m finally saying what I really think.

  “So I’m sorry if I don’t want to come to one of your games or go for food with you and your friends. I honestly can’t think of anything worse.”

  I raise my hand to my face and swipe away the tears that are falling. Matty, Logan, and Finn are looking at us with so much sympathy on their faces that I can’t stand it.

  “Are you happy now? Do you feel better now that I told you that?”

  He looks totally broken. “I’ll never forgive myself.”

  I shake my head. “The thing is, Ethan, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you either.”

  He doesn’t even look surprised at my words, but as I stand there staring back at him, I know something else too, something I’ve not said out loud but that I know with every inch of my being: I might not forgive Ethan, but I won’t forgive myself either.

  Hours later, I’m lying in bed waiting for Ethan to come home. The words I said to him earlier have been playing on a loop in my head, and whilst I meant them, I know my mother would be appalled at me for blaming him, for being irrational and impulsive with my words, and I know I can’t leave it as I did.

  There’s a loud bang from downstairs and voices drift up to my room. I throw the cover back from my bed, grab my dressing gown, and head down the stairs.

  Ethan is in a state.

  A complete, drunken state as he’s being supported into the house by Finn and Matty. He’s muttering something to himself and is barely able to put one foot in front of the other as they try to get him to the stairs.

  “Is he okay?”

  Finn shakes his head. “No, he’s not.”

  “Maria left some food out for him if he needs to eat.”

  “We need to get him to bed.”

  Ethan lifts his head at the sound of my voice. “Izzy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I hate you,” he slurs. “I hate you for what you said before.”

  “I know,” I reply. In this moment, as I watch my carefree, happy brother be so drunk he can barely walk with vomit splashed across his shirt, I don’t even mind. I want him to hate me, because I know from experience that hating someone else is a lot easier than dealing with the truth of hating yourself.

  “Best burgers in town, baby.”

  I look back at Marcus dubiously before turning back to the building he’s insisting we go into. The structure looks like it’s about to fall down. The paint is peeling, the windows are dirty, and as we approach the door, I can see the hinges that attach it to the wall are rusty and turning colour. I don’t even know how Marcus manages to open it without it falling off.

  He just laughs at the expression on my face and grabs my hand, tugging me forwards and pulling me through the door. He slings his arm around my shoulder, and I automatically lean into his side. We’ve been like this ever since I showed up at his bar—affectionate and couple-y.

  It’s finally time for our date after we had to put it back a couple of times, and it’s weird that it’s not weird, that I feel so comfortable and familiar with him. I realised whilst he was out of town how much I missed him. I might only have been here for
a short time, but I really do feel like he’s the only person in this town I can rely on. I’m amazed at how easily I’ve become so familiar with him. I don’t know what it is; I just feel like he gets me, like I can be myself with him.

  He steers me towards the tiny counter, which is barely big enough to have one person stand behind it. A heavy, middle-aged woman who has greying hair and a wide smile greets Marcus fondly; it’s pretty obvious he’s a regular customer. When her gaze flits to me, Marcus introduces me, and I manage to force out a smile. He just tells her my name, giving no indication of what our relationship is, but I can tell she’s curious by the way her eyes dart between us.

  He gives her our order, the burger special, which he tells me with a confident smile is the best burger I’ll ever taste, and his eyes drop down to my lips. My heart skips a beat. Up until this very second, I didn’t know how he’d react if he tried to kiss me, but now I do. Now I know I’d definitely kiss him back, and it gives me an excited little buzz inside my stomach.

  His eyes return to mine and a smirk covers his face, almost like he knows exactly what I’m thinking. Then his gaze darts behind me and a wide grin takes over his face. “Hey!”

  I turn as he moves around me, and when I see who he’s approaching, my whole body turns cold.

  Ethan, Finn, Evie, and a bunch of their friends from school are sat at a huge booth, all with their eyes fixed on me.

  Marcus approaches Finn, greeting him with a smile and going in to give him one of those man hugs guys greet each other with. Finn half-heartedly returns his greeting but definitely has a less than welcoming look on his face, his eyes shifting past Marcus to settle on me. Marcus doesn’t seem to notice. “Tell your brother to call me, would you? He disappeared after he and Molly got back together.”

  I bite my lip. He clearly knows Finn.

  Shit. This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all.

  Then Marcus turns to Ethan, who has purposely been avoiding me for the last week since he told me he hated me when he was drunk. I think we both needed some space from each other after our showdown, and he’s been out of the house a lot more than usual. Now Marcus holds his hand out to greet him. Ethan hesitates before reluctantly knocking fists with him as Marcus says, “Bro, I saw your game last night. You are dominating this year. You’re gonna have your pick of scholarships. Who are you looking at?”

  Ethan doesn’t answer him, instead choosing to glare behind him at me. The way he’s looking at me right now is telling me he probably still hates me as much today as he did when he came in steaming drunk.

  Marcus looks surprised and then notices who his attention is on. “Oh sorry, my bad.” He steps towards me and throws his arm around me, pulling me back towards them. “This is Izzy. She’s new in town.”

  Ethan just stares at me in disbelief, shaking his head slightly.

  “Ethan is the kid I was telling you about,” he tells me. “The one from the high school team who won us state last year.” He looks back at Ethan and smiles. “I’ve been talking you up, telling her she needs to come down and see a game so she can soak up some good ol’ American culture.”

  Ethan snorts. “Fat chance of that happening.”

  Right. So he’s no longer the hurt, devastated brother from last week. He’s reverted back to just being pissed at me.

  “You know what,” I say, turning to Marcus, “I’m not that hungry. Let’s go.”

  He looks surprised. “You just said you were hungry.”

  I shoot a quick glance towards the door. I really need to get out of here. “I changed my mind.”

  He blinks at me and turns back to Ethan’s table, taking in the looks on their faces and the obvious irritation on Ethan’s. Finally he senses the tension.

  “Is there a problem?”

  “No problem,” Ethan tells him flatly. “I just know for a fact that my sister won’t come near one of my games.”

  And there it is.

  “Wait…what?” Marcus looks completely bewildered before turning to me. “The town wonderkid is your kid brother?”

  Ethan laughs, a cruel mocking sound I just know means he’s about to tell Marcus the truth about my age and again leave me alone without anyone to talk to in this town.

  “Don’t,” I start, facing Ethan, but my voice is faint. “Don’t,” I warn.

  But the look he’s giving me tells me there’s no use in even trying. He hasn’t forgotten my outburst last week. He hasn’t forgotten the way I’ve made no effort with him since I got here, the way I’ve treated him. He’s not about to cover for me now.

  “Kid brother?” He’s staring straight at me as he says it. “I’m not her kid brother. I’m, what, 12 minutes older? That’s right, isn’t it, Biz?”

  I can’t look away, don’t want to look away from the wall behind Ethan’s head. I feel Marcus stiffen next to me.

  “What?”

  “She’s my twin,” Ethan states. “She’s seventeen.” He finally turns to Marcus. “She’s in high school.”

  And with that, Ethan takes away the one friend I have here.

  I feel sick as nobody says anything, and I feel Marcus’s breathing getting heavier beside me as he takes in this news.

  He turns to me. “You’re in high school?” He can’t keep the edge out of his voice.

  I don’t know what to say to him. There’s nothing I could say that would help right now.

  “You’ve been drinking in my bar for the last month and you’re in high school?”

  “Marcus—”

  “You let me suggest this date and you’re in high school?”

  “I didn’—”

  He turns and abruptly walks away before I can get another word out, slamming through the door and crossing the road to his truck. He climbs in, revs the engine, and squeals out of his parking space.

  My heart starts hammering loudly in my chest, and I feel like I’m going to throw up. I’m back to being alone. Again.

  “Well…” Ethan starts from his seat. “At least that explains where you’ve been disappearing to since you’ve been here.”

  I slowly turn back to face him. His jaw is clenched, like he’s pissed off at me, whilst his friends all stare at me in interest.

  “How old is that guy?” Evie asks, something like awe in her voice.

  “Twenty-five,” Finn answers immediately. He looks as annoyed as Ethan does. “He’s the same age as Darren.”

  “Wow,” Evie responds. She sounds impressed. “He is hot.”

  Ethan’s face snaps to face her and she immediately sinks back into her chair, seeing that Ethan isn’t impressed.

  He turns back to me. “He’s twenty-five, Biz. Twenty-five.”

  “How dare you?” My voice is low but laced with fury.

  His jaw drops open. “How dare I? You’re dating someone nearly a decade older and you’re pissed at me? And after everything you said to me about Mum last week you think you have a right to be angry at me?”

  “He was the one person I had here, the only person I had, and you’ve just screwed it up for me.”

  I’m mortified that tears have sprung to my eyes, and I quickly wipe them away. I can’t believe that has just happened. I can’t believe only an hour ago I was giddy with excitement at seeing Marcus, and now he’ll want nothing to do with me.

  Ethan’s eyes widen at my reaction. He opens his mouth to say something but then closes it again. I don’t move. I can’t. I just stand there, trembling with rage.

  “Uh, honey?” The woman from behind the counter is approaching me with our order outstretched. “Your food is ready.” I accept it numbly, knowing I’ll just throw it away the second I get outside.

  There’s a loud honk from a horn outside, and when I turn to see Marcus pulled up just outside the window, my heart leaps in my chest. He’s staring straight ahead, not looking at me, but he came back. He actually came back.

  “No,” Ethan says immediately. “No way, Biz. Don’t go out there. He’s too old for you.”
/>   I swear my whole body is shaking as I turn my back on Ethan and his friends, ignoring him calling my name as I head out the door. I reach the truck, still not sure if he’s actually here waiting for me or if he’s just going to drive off. When he makes no move to leave, I open the door and climb in. Immediately, he steps on the gas and starts driving, going way too fast for someone who’s okay with what he just found out. I don’t say anything, though. I don’t say anything as he drives us to the outskirts of town, down country lanes and past endless fields. I don’t say anything until after about twenty minutes when he pulls off onto a dirt track.

  I stare at my hands, twisting my fingers together nervously as I try to figure out what to say. I might not have known him long, but I know Marcus is a good guy, and I know the idea of dating and spending so much time with someone in high school is abhorrent to him.

  “I’m sorry,” I tell him quietly.

  He lets out a long sigh.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I knew if you knew how old I really am, you’d have nothing to do with me.”

  “Izzy, you’ve been coming into my bar for the last month. If the cops found out I was serving someone underage, I could get shut down.”

  “I know,” I whisper, suddenly feeling incredibly guilty. I should have been honest with him, but I needed to be away from my dad’s house, needed to have that break from my reality.

  “I put all the money I’ve ever earned into that bar. It’s only been reopened for six months, and I have big plans for it. You could have ruined all of that for me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “And Jesus, Izzy—we were on a date. You’re a minor for God’s sake.”

  “It’s not illegal,” I hasten to reassure him. “I looked it up. The legal age for having sex in Texas is seventeen.”

  He splutters. “Sex? We haven’t even kissed! We were just starting to see if we thought of each other like that.”

  “Well we still can,” I insist. “I don’t care that you’re older.”

  He snorts, and my heart sinks. He clearly does care about the age difference. We don’t say anything for a minute as we both stare into the distance. The sun is beaming overhead, and the overgrown grass is blowing gently in the wind. It looks peaceful out there, a complete contrast to how I’m feeling inside.