All That's Left

by Emma Doherty

  She goes to top up her drink again, and I’m just contemplating whether I could go to any of the bars around here and actually get served when I’m distracted by Pippa’s phone.

  She’s left it on the ground next to me whilst she’s disappeared to the kitchen, and she’s getting numerous messages from a girl named Kayleigh. I hand it over to Pippa as soon as she returns to the room, and she swipes open the messages, frowning at whatever she sees there.

  “Problem?” I ask, and she lifts her head to me. It’s the first conversation I’ve contributed in well over two hours. I nod towards her phone. “Is something wrong?”

  “Oh.” She shakes her head. “It’s my cousin. She wants me to go to some party.”

  Party? She immediately has my attention.

  Pippa rolls her eyes and taps out a reply. “She only wants me to go because she knows then she’ll have a definite ride home.”

  “I didn’t know you had a cousin at school.”

  “I don’t. She goes to Burdown.” I have no clue where that is, and she must be able to tell. “It’s the nearest school to us,” she explains. “But it’s still an hour away.”

  “Burdown losers!” Rachel sings out from behind us. “We kicked their asses last year in the math meet.”

  Paul laughs. “Yeah, math club rivalry—that’s what our schools are famous for.”

  Pippa smiles at him before realising I don’t get the joke. “Our schools have a huge rivalry, especially the football teams. They hate each other.”

  Something tightens inside me at her words. I don’t know if it’s the mention of the football team, but this is starting to sound more and more interesting.

  “And yet she’s inviting you to this party? Even though they hate our school?”

  Pippa shrugs. “Oh, we don’t register as important enough to be factored into the rivalry, not unless some of the math club people are at this party, which I seriously doubt. My cousin is on student council so she gets invited to some of the bigger parties.” She reads another message on her phone. “This is definitely a big one.”

  This is sounding better and better. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah, it’s this guy from the football team. His family is pretty rich. They’ve got this big house and there’ll be loads of booze there.” She smiles ruefully. “She’s really trying to sell it to me.”

  “And you can just drop in?”

  “I guess? It’s weird—I could never drop into a random party thrown by someone at our school without being invited, but because it’s at another school, it wouldn’t be a big deal. I know quite a few of Kayleigh’s friends too.”

  “We should go.”

  She looks startled. “What? No, no. I wasn’t hinting at that.”

  I stand up and brush the crumbs from the crisps I’ve been eating off my jeans. I’m going to this party. It’s exactly what I need. “It’ll be fun.”

  It’ll be alcohol and a party. It’ll be a chance for me to forget.

  “Um, I dunno,” she starts. “Weren’t we just about to watch another movie?”

  I’m going with or without her, but it would definitely be easier if she came too. “Rachel, do you want to go to a party?”

  She’s suitably drunk enough to think it’s a good idea and nods enthusiastically.

  I turn back to Pippa. “C’mon.”

  “It’s almost an hour drive to this address,” she warns.

  “I’ll pay your petrol—uh…I mean gas money.”

  “It’s getting pretty late.”

  I snort. It’s nine thirty. “We’ll get there at the perfect time.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t really go to parties.”

  “Then give me the address and I’ll go on my own.” Her eyes widen, and I force myself to take a deep breath. None of the way I’m feeling is Pippa’s fault, and I shouldn’t take it out on her. “Sorry. I’ve never been to a high school party in the US either. We can see if they’re like they are in the movies.”

  She lets out a small smile at that.

  “It’ll be fun,” I tell her. I have no idea if it’ll be fun, but it will be something different, a break from the monotony of this town and hopefully a way for me to feel something other than this overwhelming heartbreak, this guilt, which I’ve tried to bury but is getting bigger and bigger by the day.

  She looks torn. I can tell she doesn’t want to go, but by the way her phone keeps lighting up, it’s pretty obvious that her cousin is insistent, and you can tell she doesn’t want to let me down either.

  “C’mon, c’mon!” Rachel starts chanting from behind me, and I make a mental note to get her to drink some water so she can actually make it to the party and not just pass out in the car.

  Pippa glances around, sees that Paul isn’t objecting either, and finally nods her head. “I guess we’re going.”

  We arrive in just under an hour, and even if I wasn’t directing Pippa from the maps app on my phone, I would know we were almost there by the music I can hear blaring when we’re still a street away and the huge amounts of cars parked haphazardly around this one detached house with a massive garden.

  Pippa manages to manoeuvre us into a tight spot and looks up at the house nervously. She bites her lip and glances over at the rest of us. “What now?”

  Paul shrugs whilst Rachel starts unbuckling her seatbelt and says, “We go in, of course. We didn’t drive all the way over here to just sit outside.”

  I bite back a smile. She’s sobered up just slightly on the drive to get here, and I have to admit I’m glad she’s here. She’s so straightforward, and it’s difficult to argue with her. For once it’s actually working in my favour.

  We start to make our way to the door, Pippa and Paul lagging behind and Rachel striding ahead. She completely ignores the kids stood outside who barely glance in our direction and walks straight in with us following behind.

  The instant I step inside, I feel better.

  I don’t know a single person in here. I’m completely anonymous and I know I’ll be able to lose myself tonight and not deal with my reality.

  It’s dark in here, so dark it takes my eyes a minute to adjust and to be able to make out the faces and bodies that fill every inch of this packed front room. Pusha T blares from the speakers, so loud it feels like the room is vibrating. A small lamp in the far right-hand corner is the only source of light and reveals that the couple next to it are hooking up so graphically they’re minutes away from supplying a full sex show, which the kids with their phones out around them are definitely appreciating.

  Pippa, who has been tapping out a message on her phone, tries to say something to me, but I’m already lost in the energy of the party, the anonymity. I can let go and forget it all.

  The three of them start dodging and cutting their way through the people in the crowd, walking towards a doorway, and I follow them, feeling my body relax. A girl approaches, small with reddish hair, and I know without having to ask that it’s Pippa’s cousin. She smiles and greets Paul and Rachel, obviously having met them before, and then turns her attention to me as the only person she doesn’t know. Pippa leans into her ear and is obviously introducing me to her, but I just wave in her direction and move past them.

  I cross through the second doorway and find myself in a kitchen that is only slightly less busy than the first room we were in. It’s a bit brighter in here and the music is less loud, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for the drinks stand.

  The island in the middle of the kitchen is laden with spirits, red cups, and soft drinks, and I head over to it, grab a cup, pour a measure of the closest liquor, and down it in one then pour another shot…and another.

  “Who are you?”

  I look up to see a brunette with poker-straight hair and a tanned complexion looking at me with interest. She’s flanked by friends on either side of her as she steps towards me.

  “Who are you?” I counter.

  She smirks. “I’m the girlfriend of the guy whose party
this is.”

  She wins. One word from her and she can get me kicked out.

  “I’m Izzy.”

  “Jessica. You new at Burdown?”

  “No. I’m at Northview.”

  She raises an eyebrow. “Oooh, our sworn rivals,” she mocks.

  I smirk back at her. Clearly she cares about school rivalry as much as I do.

  “What brings you over this way?”

  She doesn’t seem like she wants to kick me out, just like she’s bored and wants someone new to talk to. I hold up my cup as the answer, ignoring the group of guys who have suddenly surrounded her. One of them slips his arm around her waist whilst the rest of them stare at me.

  “Guys, meet my new friend Izzy,” Jessica tells them.

  I ignore them and the way they think they’re entitled to look me up and down whilst I take a sip of my drink. It’s definitely better here; I’m definitely more likely to let go, but I know alcohol won’t be enough tonight, not with these memories whirling in my head.

  “So, Jessica?” I ask, placing my cup down, reaching into my pocket, and pulling out the cash I have there. I hold it up so she knows I’m being serious. “Is there anyone selling at this party?”

  A wide grin crosses the face of the guy to her left. “Oh, so you really want to party?”

  I do. Tonight I want to party so hard I black out.

  An hour later, Jessica is my new best friend. I can tell she’s a cheerleader by the way she’s mentioned the football team on more than one occasion, and I can tell this school has just the same clichéd ‘football god’ dynamic as ours, but she’s different to Lila and Evie. She’s chilled and relaxed and open.

  Plus she rang some guy who rolled up in his car and sold me a couple of grams of Molly, so to me, she’s golden.

  It’s done the trick.

  For the first time on this shitty day, I feel better. My brain has fogged over and my body has relaxed, and if it’s left up to me, this feeling will last until morning.

  “Craig keeps staring at you,” Jessica informs me.

  “Who’s Craig?” I mumble, leaning back and closing my eyes, feeling the memories and nightmares float away.

  “Hotshot football player who thinks he can get any girl he wants.”

  I snicker and tilt my head to face her. “And can he?”

  She shrugs. “Most of the time. It helps that he has a scholarship to play college ball.”

  “I really don’t get the obsession with football.”

  She grins. “You’re in Texas—it’s Friday night lights, baby. And, to be fair, he’s hot.”

  My eyes follow where she’s looking, and it’s the guy who was stood with her earlier. He’s with her boyfriend and a couple of other guys, and she’s right—he’s looking over at me.

  Maybe. Maybe I’ll give him a shot. Because whilst the alcohol and drugs are starting to kick in, I know my mum will come creeping back into my memory at some point, and the only thing that can help me forget then?

  Sex.

  “Let’s dance,” she says, pulling me to my feet, and I don’t argue with her.

  Jessica pulls us into the middle of the group dancing in front of the windows and starts to move her body. She’s a good dancer, swaying her hips in time to the beat, swishing her hair and rolling her shoulders. It’s not long until her boyfriend joins her, and when I lean backwards to adjust my feet, I come up against a hard body. Without even having to look, I know it’s the guy she mentioned. I don’t object when his hands find my hips and pull me back against his groin. I don’t object when he moves my body to the beat of the music, swaying with me, and I don’t even object when he bends down and starts whispering in my ear about what he wants to do to me.

  I don’t object to anything, because right now, it’s the distraction I need.

  “Okay, okay, no.” Rachel appears from nowhere and worms her way into the middle of us, pushing us apart.

  I wince at her in the darkness, finding it hard to hear her over the music. “What are you doing?”

  “Let’s go get you some water,” she tells me. She looks remarkably more sober than she did when she arrived. She grabs me by the hand and pulls me out of the room and back into the kitchen.

  She grabs a red cup, dumps out whatever liquid is in there, rinses it under the tap, and then fills it up and hands it to me.

  “That won’t work,” I tell her.

  “Why?”

  “Because I took some Molly and it’s just hitting me.”

  Her jaw drops open. “Do you mean drugs?!”

  I shrug, turn to go back to the other room, and come across the guy I was dancing with. Craig?

  “Hey.” He smirks at me. “Came looking for you.”

  “Were you the one who gave her drugs?” Rachel demands from behind me.

  “Relax, Rachel,” I tell her. “I got them myself.”

  She looks utterly horrified, and I can’t help laughing, which just pisses her off further.

  Craig smirks in her direction and takes a step closer to me, his hand sliding around my waist. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

  My eyes find his, meeting his grey stare, and I know exactly what he wants—the exact same thing I want right now. I’m about to open my mouth to agree when Rachel is pushing in between us again, holding us both apart at arm’s length. “I mean it. This can’t happen. We have to go.”

  “Excuse me?” He looks down at her, only just managing to mask his annoyance. She looks pretty funny right now, her hair everywhere and her mascara dripping down her face. I actually like seeing this side of her, less pristine and formal; it makes her seem more human. “Do I know you?”

  “No.” She turns her back to him and faces me. “You can’t talk to him. You need to come with me.”

  “Why?”

  She sighs and waves her hand in Craig’s direction. “Look at him—he’s clearly a football player.”

  She’s going to have to go into more detail. “So?”

  “Duh?! Izzy?”

  “Look, babe, I’m just over here trying to talk to this pretty—”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” She rolls her eyes. “She’s the hottest girl ever, blah, blah, blah—I’ve heard all about it.” She turns back to me. “You can’t talk to him.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “He’s a football player for Burdown High.”

  She clearly doesn’t understand that the only thing I’m going to want him for will only require me to be in his acquaintance for twenty minutes. “So?”

  “So? He’s their captain. Um…Mc…McGar—what’s your name again?” she asks, whirling to face him.

  “Craig McGarretty.” He looks pleased that his reputation precedes him.

  “Exactly.” Rachel spins back to face me. “You can’t be friends with this guy.”

  I level her with a stare. “I wasn’t planning on being his friend.”

  She rolls her eyes. “He hates Ethan Carlington, like seriously hates him.”

  Hates him?

  I don’t hate Ethan. I know that. But I do know I hate everything about today and the fact that my mum’s not here on her birthday. I hate that he reminds me of her, and I hate that he pushes me to talk about her. I hate that he wasn’t there when she started getting sick and I missed the signs, and I hate that he wasn’t there at the end because he stayed to play a stupid football game.

  “It’s because he’s jealous he’s not as hot or as rich or as good at football as him.”

  “Hey!”

  “Shush,” she tells him, and to my surprise, he actually does quieten down at her tone. “Come on, you can’t talk to him. It wouldn’t be fair to the king of our school.”

  The dark-haired guy is regarding me with even more interest now. “You know Ethan Carlington?” he asks me, appraising me all over again.

  Rachel rolls her eyes at his apparent stupidity.

  “Rachel—” I start.

  “I mean it,” she tells me. “Shit would go down.
It wouldn’t be okay—although I don’t know why I’m trying to help. Ethan Carlington doesn’t even know my name.”

  I frown. “He knows your name, Rachel.”

  “He does?” She looks pleasantly surprised. “Huh.” She contemplates this for a second. “I’m annoyed at how rewarding that is. Out of principle, I shouldn’t care if the most popular guy at school knows my name or not.”

  “So you know Ethan Carlington?” Craig jumps in. “Are you his new girl?” Something tells me the idea of me being Ethan’s girlfriend is making me more and more appealing.

  Rachel snorts at this, and then she goes and makes her mistake. She gives him the information that makes me more desirable to this kid than a pot of gold would be. “Nah, she’s not his girlfriend. She’s his twin.”

  Just before 2am, I’m back home and stumbling into the TV room, banging my head on the door frame and wincing in pain before realising I’m not alone. Ethan’s sat on the sofa, Finn’s next to him, and Matty is sat down by the coffee table whilst Logan snores from the opposite sofa. They’ve got leftover pizza left out in front of them, a few bottles of beer, and there’s a movie playing on the TV. I don’t know why they’re here. It’s late Saturday night; they should be out at Evie’s party. Aren’t they out every Saturday night?

  All eyes turn to me, and that’s when I notice the joint hanging from Matty’s right hand. The smell of marijuana fills my nostrils, and I almost groan outright.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask Ethan.

  He shrugs. “We decided your pizza and movie night sounded good so we stayed in.”

  I wonder what sort of fight that kicked off with Evie.

  “Where were you?” He screws his face up when I step farther into the room. “Jesus, Biz. You can smell the alcohol on you. Don’t tell me you just stayed in watching movies all night.”

  I narrow my eyes at him, swaying slightly on my feet, and then decide against an argument and instead start looking around for my phone charger and tablet, which I left in here this morning.